View Full Version : Choosing Virginity

Dec 1st, 2002, 06:16 PM

A New Attitude: Fewer teenagers are having sex. As parents and politicians debate the merits of abstinence programs, here’s what the kids have to say

Chris Nicoletti 16, and his girlfriend Amanda Wing, 17, plan to abstain from sex until they are married

Lucian Shulte, an engineering student at the University of Alberta in Canada, is a 'renewed virgin'

Sandra Huggins (left), her son Dondrae and daughter Latoya, an 18-year-old virgin, attend a Baptist church that offers abstinence education as part of its teen program

Dec 1st, 2002, 06:22 PM
Choosing Virginity

By Lorraine Ali and Julie Scelfo

Dec. 9 issue — There’s a sexual revolution going on in America, and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with Christina Aguilera’s bare-it-all video “Dirrty.” The uprising is taking place in the real world, not on “The Real World.” Visit any American high school and you’ll likely find a growing number of students who watch scabrous TV shows like “Shipmates,” listen to Eminem—and have decided to remain chaste until marriage.

REJECTING THE GET-DOWN-make-love ethos of their parents’ generation, this wave of young adults represents a new counterculture, one clearly at odds with the mainstream media and their routine use of sex to boost ratings and peddle product.
According to a recent study from the Centers for Disease Control, the number of high-school students who say they’ve never had sexual intercourse rose by almost 10 percent between 1991 and 2001. Parents, public-health officials and sexually beleaguered teens themselves may be relieved by this “let’s not” trend. But the new abstinence movement, largely fostered by cultural conservatives and evangelical Christians, has also become hotly controversial.

As the Bush administration plans to increase federal funding for abstinence programs by nearly a third, to $135 million, the Advocates for Youth and other proponents of a more comprehensive approach to sex ed argue that teaching abstinence isn’t enough. Teens also need to know how to protect themselves if they do have sex, these groups say, and they need to understand the emotional intensity inherent in sexual relationships.
The debate concerns public policy, but the real issue is personal choice. At the center of it all are the young people themselves, whose voices are often drowned out by the political cacophony. Some of them opened up and talked candidly to NEWSWEEK about their reasons for abstaining from sex until marriage. It’s clear that religion plays a critical role in this extraordinarily private decision. But there are other factors as well: caring parents, a sense of their own unreadiness, the desire to gain some semblance of control over their own destinies. Here are their stories.

Alice Kunce says she’s a feminist, but not the “army-boot-wearing, shaved-head, I-hate-all-men kind.” The curly-haired 18-year-old Wellesley College sophomore—she skipped a grade in elementary school— looks and talks like what she is: one of the many bright, outspoken students at the liberal Massachusetts women’s college. She’s also a virgin. “One of the empowering things about the feminist movement,” she says, “is that we’re able to assert ourselves, to say no to sex and not feel pressured about it. And I think guys are kind of getting it. Like, ‘Oh, not everyone’s doing it’.”

But judging by MTV’s “Undressed,” UPN’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and just about every other TV program or movie targeted at teens, everyone is doing it. Alice grew up with these images, but as a small-town girl in Jefferson City, Mo., most teen shows felt alien and alien-ating. “You’re either a prudish person who can’t handle talking about sex or you’re out every Saturday night getting some,” she says. “But if you’re not sexually active and you’re willing to discuss the subject, you can’t be called a prude. How do they market to that?” The friend from back home she’s been dating since August asked not to be identified in this story, but Alice doesn’t mind talking candidly about what they do—or don’t do. “Which is acceptable? Oral, vaginal or anal sex?” she asks. “For me, they’re all sex. In high school, you could have oral sex and still call yourself a virgin. Now I’m like, ‘Well, what makes one less intimate than the other?’ ”
Alice, a regular churchgoer who also teaches Sunday school, says religion is not the reason she’s chosen abstinence. She fears STDs and pregnancy, of course, but above all, she says, she’s not mature enough emotionally to handle the deep intimacy sex can bring. Though most people in her college, or even back in her Bible-belt high school, haven’t made the same choice, Alice says she has never felt ostracized. If anything, she feels a need to speak up for those being coerced by aggressive abstinence groups. “Religious pressure was and is a lot greater than peer pressure,” says Alice, who has never taken part in an abstinence program. “I don’t think there are as many teens saying ‘Oh come on, everybody’s having sex’ as there are church leaders saying ‘No, it’s bad, don’t do it. It’ll ruin your life.’ The choices many religious groups leave you with are either no sex at all or uneducated sex. What happened to educating young people about how they can protect themselves?”

Karl Nicoletti wasted no time when it came to having “the talk” with his son, Chris. It happened five years ago, when Chris was in sixth grade. Nicoletti was driving him home from school and the subject of girls came up. “I know many parents who are wishy-washy when talking to their kids about sex. I just said, ‘No, you’re not going to have sex. Keep your pecker in your pants until you graduate from high school’.”

Today, the 16-year-old from Longmont, Colo., vows he’ll remain abstinent until marriage. So does his girlfriend, 17-year-old Amanda Wing, whose parents set similarly strict rules for her and her two older brothers. “It’s amazing, but they did listen,” says her mother, Lynn Wing. Amanda has been dating Chris for only two months, but they’ve known each other for eight years. On a Tuesday-night dinner date at Portabello’s (just across from the Twin Peaks Mall), Amanda asks, “You gonna get the chicken parmesan again?” Chris nods. “Yep. You know me well.” They seem like a long-married couple—except that they listen to the Dave Matthews Band, have a 10:30 weeknight curfew and never go beyond kissing and hugging. (The guidelines set by Chris’s dad: no touching anywhere that a soccer uniform covers.)
“Society is so run by sex,” says Chris, who looks like Madison Avenue’s conception of an All-American boy in his Abercrombie sweat shirt and faded baggy jeans. “Just look at everything—TV, movies. The culture today makes it seem OK to have sex whenever, however or with whoever you want. I just disagree with that.” Amanda, who looks tomboy comfy in baggy brown cords, a white T shirt and chunky-soled shoes, feels the same way. “Sex should be a special thing that doesn’t need to be public,” she says. “But if you’re abstinent, it’s like you’re the one set aside from society because you’re not ‘doing it’.”
The peer pressure in this town of 71,000 people in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains is substantially less than in cosmopolitan Denver, 45 minutes away. (“It figures you had to come all the way out here to find a virgin,” one local said.) Chris joined a Christian abstinence group called Teen Advisors this year. “We watched their slide show in eighth grade and it just has pictures of all these STDs,” he says. “It’s one of the grossest things you’ve ever seen. I didn’t want to touch a girl, like, forever.” He now goes out once a month and talks to middle schoolers about abstinence. Amanda saw the same presentation. “It’s horrible,” she says. “If that doesn’t scare kids out of sex, nothing will.” Could these gruesome images put them off sex for life? Chris and Amanda say no. They’re sure that whoever they marry will be disease-free.

To most abstaining teens, marriage is the golden light at the end of the perilous tunnel of dating—despite what their parents’ experience may have been. Though Amanda’s mother and father have had a long and stable union, Karl Nicoletti separated from Chris’s mother when Chris was in fifth grade. His fiancee moved in with Chris and Karl two years ago; Chris’s mother now has a year-and-a-half-old son out of wedlock. Chris and Amanda talk about marriage in the abstract, but they want to go to college first, and they’re looking at schools on opposite sides of the country. “I think we could stay together,” Chris says. Amanda agrees. “Like we have complete trust in each other,” she says. “It’s just not hard for us.” Whether the bond between them is strong enough to withstand a long-distance relationship is yet to be seen. For now, Chris and Amanda mostly look ahead to their next weekly ritual: the Tuesday pancake lunch.

Remaining a virgin until marriage is neither an easy nor a common choice in Latoya Huggins’s part of Paterson, N.J. At least three of her friends became single mothers while they were still in high school, one by an older man who now wants nothing to do with the child. “It’s hard for her to finish school,” Latoya says, “because she has to take the baby to get shots and stuff.”
Latoya lives in a chaotic world: so far this year, more than a dozen people have been murdered in her neighborhood. It’s a life that makes her sexuality seem like one of the few things she can actually control. “I don’t even want a boyfriend until after college,” says Latoya, who’s studying to be a beautician at a technical high school. “Basically I want a lot out of life. My career choices are going to need a lot of time and effort.”

Latoya, 18, could pass for a street-smart 28. She started thinking seriously about abstinence five years ago, when a national outreach program called Free Teens began teaching classes at her church. The classes reinforced what she already knew from growing up in Paterson—that discipline is the key to getting through your teen years alive. Earlier this year she dated a 21-year-old appliance salesman from her neighborhood, until Latoya heard that he was hoping she’d have sex with him. “We decided that we should just be friends,” she explains, “before he cheated on me or we split up in a worse way.”
So most days Latoya comes home from school alone. While she waits for her parents to return from work, she watches the Disney Channel or chills in her basement bedroom, which she’s decorated with construction—-paper cutouts of the names of her favorite pop stars, such as Nelly and Aaliyah. She feels safe there, she says, because “too many bad things are happening” outside. But bad things happen inside, too: last year she opened the door to a neighbor who forced his way inside and attempted to rape her. “He started trying to take my clothes off. I was screaming and yelling to the top of my lungs and nobody heard.” Luckily, the phone rang. Latoya told the intruder it was her father, and that if she didn’t answer he would come home right away. The man fled. Latoya tries not to think about what happened, although she feels “like dying” when she sees her attacker on the street. (Her parents decided not to press charges so she wouldn’t have to testify in court.) Her goal is to graduate and get a job; she wants to stay focused and independent. “Boys make you feel like you’re special and you’re the only one they care about,” she says. “A lot of girls feel like they need that. But my mother loves me and my father loves me, so there’s no gap to fill.”

Even though she lives 700 miles from the nearest ocean, Daniela Aranda was recently voted Miss Hawaiian Tropic El Paso, Texas, and her parents couldn’t be prouder. They’ve displayed a picture of their bikini-clad daughter smack-dab in the middle of the living room. “People always say to me ‘You don’t look like a virgin’,” says Daniela, 20, who wears supersparkly eye shadow, heavy lip liner and a low-cut black shirt. “But what does a virgin look like? Someone who wears white and likes to look at flowers?”

Daniela models at Harley-Davidson fashion shows, is a cheerleader for a local soccer team called the Patriots and hangs out with friends who work at Hooters. She’s also an evangelical Christian who made a vow at 13 to remain a virgin, and she’s kept that promise. “It can be done,” she says. “I’m living proof.” Daniela has never joined an abstinence program; her decision came from strong family values and deep spiritual convictions.
Daniela’s arid East El Paso neighborhood, just a mile or so from the Mexican border, was built atop desert dunes, and the sand seems to be reclaiming its own by swallowing up back patios and sidewalks. The city, predominantly Hispanic, is home to the Fort Bliss Army base, breathtaking mesa views—and some of the highest teen-pregnancy rates in the nation. “There’s a lot of girls that just want to get pregnant so they can get married and get out of here,” Daniela says.
But she seems content to stay in El Paso. She studies business at El Paso Community College, dates a UTEP football player named Mike and works as a sales associate at the A’gaci Too clothing store in the Cielo Vista Mall. She also tones at the gym and reads—especially books by the Christian author Joshua Harris. In “Boy Meets Girl,” she’s marked such passages as “Lust is never satisfied” with a pink highlighter. She’s also saved an article on A. C. Green, the former NBA player who’s become a spokesman for abstinence. “My boyfriend’s coach gave it to him because the other guys sometimes say, ‘Are you gay? What’s wrong with you?’ It’s proof that if a famous man like Green can do it, so can he.”
Daniela has been dating Mike for more than a year. He’s had sex before, but has agreed to remain abstinent with her. “He’s what you call a born-again virgin,” she says. “Or a secondary abstinent, or something like that. We just don’t put ourselves in compromising situations. If we’re together late at night, it’s with my whole family.”
Daniela knows about temptation: every time she walks out onstage in a bathing suit, men take notice. But she doesn’t see a contradiction in her double life as virgin and beauty queen; rather, it’s a personal challenge. “I did Hawaiian Tropic because I wanted to see if I could get into a bikini in front of all these people,” she says. “I wasn’t thinking, ‘Oh, I’m going to win.’ But I did, and I got a free trip to Houston’s state finals. I met the owner of Hawaiian Tropic. It’s like, wow, this is as good as it gets.”

Lenee young is trying to write a paper for her Spanish class at Atlanta’s Spelman College, but as usual she and her roommates can’t help getting onto the subject of guys. “I love Ludacris,” Lenee gushes. “I love everything about him. Morris Chestnut, too. He has a really pretty smile. Just gorgeous.” But Lenee, 19, has never had a boyfriend, and has never even been kissed. “A lot of the guys in high school had already had sex,” she says. “I knew that would come up, so I’d end all my relationships at the very beginning.” Lenee decided back then to remain a virgin until marriage, and even now she feels little temptation to do what many of her peers are doing behind closed dormitory doors. “I feel —that part of me hasn’t been triggered yet,” she says. “Sex is one of those things you can’t miss until you have it.”
Last summer she went with a friend from her hometown of Pittsburgh to a Silver Ring Thing. These popular free events meld music videos, pyrotechnics and live teen comedy sketches with dire warnings about STDs. Attendees can buy a silver ring—and a Bible—for $12. Then, at the conclusion of the program, as techno music blares, they recite a pledge of abstinence and don their rings. “My friend, who’s also a virgin, said I needed to go so I could get a ring,” Lenee says. “It was fun, like the music and everything. And afterwards they had a dance and a bonfire.”

The idea of abstinence was not new to Lenee. In high school she participated in a program sponsored by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center called Postponing Sexual Involvement. Her mother had discussed it with her—once—the week before she left for college. Two of her closest friends are also virgins; the trio jokingly call themselves The Good Girls Club. But student life can sometimes be a shock to her sensibilities. “Another friend of mine and this guy were talking about how they didn’t use a condom. He said, ‘I like it raw.’ I was like, ‘Oh, my goodness’.”
And then there was the recent party that began with truth-or-dare questions. The first one: have you ever kissed a boy? Young was the only woman who said no, and everybody in the room was stunned. “Are you serious? We gotta find you a boyfriend!” But Lenee wasn’t embarrassed. “I don’t feel like I’ve missed out,” she says. “I just feel like my time will come.” Until then, she sports that shiny silver ring.

Lucian Schulte had always planned to wait until he was married to have sex, but that was before a warm night a couple of years ago when the green-eyed, lanky six-footer found himself with an unexpected opportunity. “She was all for it,” says Lucian, now 18. “It was like, ‘Hey, let’s give this a try’.” The big event was over in a hurry and lacked any sense of intimacy. “In movies, if people have sex, it’s always romantic,” he says. “Physically, it did feel good, but emotionally, it felt really awkward. It was not what I expected it to be.”
While the fictional teens of “American Pie” would have been clumsily overjoyed, Lucian, raised Roman Catholic, was plagued by guilt. “I was worried that I’d given myself to someone and our relationship was now a lot more serious than it was before,” he says. “It was like, ‘Now, what is she going to expect from me?’ ” Lucian worried, too, about disease and pregnancy. He promised himself never again.
Lucian, now an engineering major at the University of Alberta in Canada, is a “renewed virgin.” His parents are strong proponents of chastity, and he attended school-sponsored abstinence classes. But the messages didn’t hit home until he’d actually had sex. “It’s a pretty special thing, and it’s also pretty serious,” he says. “Abstinence has to do with ‘Hey, are you going to respect this person?’ ” He has dated since his high-school affair, and is now hoping a particular cute coed from Edmonton will go out with him. “But I’ll try to restrict myself to kissing,” he says. “Not because I think everything else is bad. But the more you participate with someone, the harder it’s going to be to stop.”
It’s not easy to practice such restraint, especially when those around him do not. Lucian lives in a single room, decorated with ski-lift tickets and a “Scooby-Doo” poster, in an all-male dorm, but he says most students “get hitched up, sleep around and never see each other again.” Meanwhile he does his best to push his own sexual urges from his mind. “I try to forget about it, but I have to say it sucks. Homework is a good thing to do, and going out for a run usually works.” He also goes to Sunday mass. Lucian figures he can hold out until he’s married, which he hopes will be by the time he’s 30. “I’m looking forward to an intimate experience with my wife, who I’ll truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with,” says Lucian. “It’s kind of corny, but it’s for real.”

With Sarah Downey and Vanessa Juarez

© 2002 Newsweek, Inc.

Dec 1st, 2002, 06:57 PM
:eek: what a long article, i can't be bothered to read it entirely :o

anyhow, pfffffff at new virgins...

i think its perfectly ok to be a virgin coz you've never found the person you want to do it with, or you're just not ready yet, or noone wants you or whatever... but to just decide: "i'm gonna be a virgin"? what's wrong with sex?

anyhow, it's their own choice, it's not like it influences my life, but i can tell you, they don't know what they're missing ;)

Dec 1st, 2002, 07:18 PM
:eek: wow..can't believe someone chooses for it :o

Dec 1st, 2002, 07:48 PM
Hey...if you want to be a virgin, more power to you. ;)

I remember a pro baskeball player in the NBA, A.C. Green was a virgin until he got married at 37 yrs old. He was the brunt of many jokes, but you know what, he perservered.

I've got nothing but love for the virgins in the world.

Dec 1st, 2002, 07:59 PM
okay, so he stayed a virgin till 37? i still don't get it...
i don't mind him being a virgin, it's his choice: but i don't understand why people would be so proud about it (on the other hand, i also don't understand people that are proud about the fact that they are not a virgin either, losing your virginity is not something to brag about). it's just something you are, or you aren't anymore... everybody has been a virgin once! whats the big deal?

i mean, what have these people achieved, so they deserve to be on the cover of Newsweek? I'm telling you, it's real easy to stay a virgin you know, they're millions of them out there... what makes these few people so special?
I didn't get a spot in Newsweek when i lost my virginity, and at least something worthwile happened then, now it's just a story about what will not happen...

i feel extremely weird about the guys, coz i believe them when they say they want to wait to have sex till they're married (it's their right), but I'm sure they do masturbate!
so... they're having sex after all, even if its with themselves and not with their girlfriends :o

again, i emphasise the fact that i don't have any problem with people wanting to stay a virgin, i do however have problems with people looking down on us, non-virgins :p

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:10 PM
Penguin, I think you have it the other way around. ;) It's the virgins who get mocked and looked down upon and teased mercilessly, not non-virgins. :p

And masturbation is hardly the same as sex. For one thing, you can't conceive a child with just your hand. :o

I respect their choice.

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:13 PM
I remember when I was a teenager. Quite a few girls swore they'd remain a virgin till they were married. None of them are married now, none of them are virgins;)

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:15 PM
i respect their choice as well, i don't however think they should get to be on the cover of newsweek :rolleyes:

and true, its usually virgins that are looked down upon, which is utterly stupid, but i feel as if these particular virgins look down upon non-virgins...

(and having sex using birth control would considered no sex according to you, coz you don't conceive a child either :p, sounds like a Clinton statement to me ;) )

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:19 PM
I agree with Penguin though. I don't see why you should say beforehand "I won't have sex until...". Why not just see what happens, do it when you feel the time is right.

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:24 PM
Originally posted by Penguin

(and having sex using birth control would considered no sex according to you, coz you don't conceive a child either :p, sounds like a Clinton statement to me ;) )

Have you ever heard of accidents happening? ;) Birth control is never 100% effective. When you engage in heterosexual sex with penetration, there is a possibility of conception regardless of what contraceptive measures you have taken. And that to me that constitutes an important consideration, especially if you're a woman.

Mind you, I'm not saying the purpose of sex is conception or that other types of sexual activity are not sex. ;) Far from it. :drool: But I do maintain that if it doesn't involve at least one other person, I wouldn't call it sex. Sex to me is an exchange of some kind.

Dec 1st, 2002, 08:30 PM
Originally posted by Beggin' Beguine
I agree with Penguin though. I don't see why you should say beforehand "I won't have sex until...". Why not just see what happens, do it when you feel the time is right.

Well, it's similar to making a decision to be a vegetarian. It's not easy at first, but if you just did whatever felt good at the moment, you might not stick to that decision. Now someone might say fine, then don't be a vegetarian if you still feel the urge to eat meat (as most do in the beginning), but there are various complex reasons why people make that decision. I have after more than 25 years of being an omnivore, and I've never regretted it. Of course now I can't stand the sight of meat, but that wasn't my original reason.

Dec 1st, 2002, 09:13 PM
interesting topic :p

Dec 1st, 2002, 10:11 PM
It's not at all like becoming a vegetarian. If you want to make that comparison you should say "in the year 2004, when I'm that age, I'm going to be become a vegeatarion". Basically, you're saying NOW what you'll be doing in the future.

Dec 1st, 2002, 10:23 PM
Well, I did decide to be a vegetarian for the rest of my life. ;) While I do allow for the possibility I will change my mind, it's not very likely and I want it to be a commitment of sorts. I guess the decision to remain a virgin felt similar to those people.

We make decisions that affect our future all the time. When we marry someone, we presumably vow to be married "until death do us part". We mean "I'll be your wife or husband in the year 2004 or 2020". I don't see how this is a different kind of promise to yourself, or your partner, or a higher power or whomever. It's a lifestyle decision that is valid until further notice. ;)

Sex is very much a part of the teenagers' lives, so it is perfectly reasonable for them to make such a decision at this point of their lives, while everyone around them is having sex.

Dec 1st, 2002, 10:33 PM
I can understand that you want to wait! I can understand that people say, not now, but in the future. But I think it's silly to say when exactly in the future. Why not just say "when the time is ripe", "when I feel ready", "when I meet the right person"?

Does the name Britney Spears say anything?

Dec 1st, 2002, 10:41 PM
Tine - there are people who decide to be a virgin until they get married. I admit there aren't many of these people, but there are some who make the committment.

Dec 1st, 2002, 10:52 PM
I can understand their reasoning, even if I don't agree with them (and I don't ;) ). They feel that it's not right to join with someone in a sexual union until they have also committed to spend the rest of their lives together (i.e. get married). Or they might have some other reasons. For example, one reason with which I might even agree because it makes sense, would be a simple rule of thumb: if you'd be too freaked out if you got pregnant at this point in life and by this person, don't have sex. But they're not waiting until they're ready, they are waiting until they have fully committed to one person, if I understand it correctly.

Personally, I think it's not wise to abstain from sex before marriage because sex can be very revealing. You can't really know if you are compatible with another person (with whom you're planning to spend the rest of your life) if you omit a VERY important part of a relationship. Basically, if you don't connect in bed and there's no hope of ever connecting in bed, there's no way you will have a happy relationship. But that's just my personal opinion and theirs is different. I also think it's wise to try living together for at least a year before getting married, but that's subject of another topic altogether. ;)

And I don't take Britney Spears seriously. :p

Dec 2nd, 2002, 02:22 AM
I congratulate those virgins.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 02:43 AM
Are you still a virgin if you are gay? ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 03:23 AM
Sure, I would think so if you haven't had sex. Now we have to define: What is sex? lol ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 04:10 AM
see I disagree choco... coz there are different forms of sex! lol

Dec 2nd, 2002, 04:20 AM
Originally posted by CHOCO
Sure, I would think so if you haven't had sex. Now we have to define: What is sex? lol ;)

LoL ;) Here's a definition...

1. male or female gender: either of the two reproductive categories, male or female, of animals and plants

2. intercourse: sexual intercourse

3. sexual behavior: sexual activity or behavior leading to it

4. genitals: the genitals ( literary )

5. biology reproductive characteristics: the set of characteristics that determine whether the reproductive role of an animal or plant is male or female

doesn't really say much, #4 is a weird definition of sex :confused:

Dec 2nd, 2002, 04:37 AM
no, #4 makes sense if you think of it in a way as "what sex are you?"... You know, how you have to fill out surveys and stuff, and it usually has "Sex: M_ F_"...so I guess it means what sort of genitals you have determines your sex... ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 04:48 AM
I think it is very sad that teenagers have sex so early. Surely everone who has has a meaninful sexual relationship with another person knows that there is more to it the procreating or just having a really wonderful physical sensation.

Sex is one way of establishing and maintaining a strong emotional bond with another person. If you are going to have a different sexual partner every week, you aren't doing much more than using another person to masturbate you. It is this deeper connection and emotional responsibility that many teens aren't ready for.

I heard a 16 year old boy say that he wasn't ready for sex. What a guy! This is a boy who really likes girls. He always has. But, he knows that he wants sex to be special and he wants to have sex within a relationship, and not with a girl that he is going to break up with 3 weeks later. I think that is a mature and responsible decision.

Now........ if we are talking a virgin at 30..... I dunno. That seems a little strange.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 06:17 AM
lol good luck then!

Dec 2nd, 2002, 06:24 AM
People usually say they'll stay a virgin when the odds that they'll eventually fornicate, are zilch. I tend to call these people prudes ;)

Just kidding ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:21 AM
:o :eek:

Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:23 AM
I really feel sorry for these couples. Then they´re finally married and want to "get it on" and all of a sudden they find out that one of them is actually a real loser in bed. And the only thing they can do is getting divorced a.s.a.p!

Sam L
Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:24 AM
I think it's for the best, especially straight teenagers should refrain from sex.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:34 AM
doesn't anyone else think that every once in a while the media finds a few people who do something and decides there's a new "trend"? I hardly think that there are masses of young people choosing to be virgins. there are however, and always have been people who want to remain virgins untill they're married. I very much doubt they make up a significant part of teens. I think staying a virgin untill you're married is a mistake. you should know the person you're marrying as well as you can before making the commitment, and that includes knowing them sexually. still, it's a private choice, certainly nothing to make fun of. and if the choice is 13 year olds having sex or teens "saving" themselves for their wedding day, I think the latter is a better idea.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:35 AM
why Sam?

Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:36 AM
Originally posted by caramel
I really feel sorry for these couples. Then they´re finally married and want to "get it on" and all of a sudden they find out that one of them is actually a real loser in bed. And the only thing they can do is getting divorced a.s.a.p!

Ah, so that's why so many Hollywood couples get married and divorced so quickly;) J'Lo basically wants to wait till she's married;)

Sam L
Dec 2nd, 2002, 07:39 AM
Originally posted by i-girl
why Sam?

So there wouldn't be unwanted pregnancies.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:05 AM
Originally posted by starr
Now........ if we are talking a virgin at 30..... I dunno. That seems a little strange.

why?? if I follow your own theory...then it's possible this person didn't meet the right person yet..right? Or should you at this age just sleep around when you're still a virgin? :confused:

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:14 AM
Well I will speak from my own experiences here as this is a topic I'm quite familiar with ;)

I am 20, and I'm still a virgin. I have never been in much of a relationship and am not going to give myself to someone that I don't have a bond of somewhat with.

I am one of the few left in my circle of freinds from highschool. I have one friend from elementary school who has made the same choice as I, and another freind from highschool. That's about it.

I have one guy freind who is my age, and is still a virgin.

I have absolutely no regrets. I will not throw myself at someone to "make up for lost time" just because I happen to get sexually frusterated or get sick of being one of the "only ones" left some day.

I do not look down upon my freinds who DO hae sex. Though interestingly enough about 95% of them have said that while they don't exactly regret their first time, that they wish they had waited so that it meant more to them. My one freind has slept with 4 guys, all of whom she was dating. And she tells me that emotionally, sex is really nothing to her now. I know for a fact this isn't the case for all of course. But I'm glad I am not in that position personally.

I have had freinds who were considered "sluts" or whatever crude term you wish to use to insult sexually active women. While I never understood WHY they wanted to put out for any other guy, I certaintly didnt' see them as "trash". That was their choice, and not one I can make for them. I only ever comment when I feel they are being harmful to themselves.

It's worth noting (for those of you who lost if early), that there IS still peer pressure to do it. All of your freinds having sex conversations, you being the only one not able to drink in some drinking game because all the questions about about sex, freinds who didnt know acting shock and starting the "get becca laid crusade" and pointing out every half decent guy who walks by...

The pressure is not intentional - no one worth being freinds would ever tell you to just go have sex (actually a guy freind told me i should do this once, but i excused him for being an idiot) with anyone and loosen up a bit. But indirectly there is alot.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:18 AM
I think it's great that people are holding off until they feel ready to have sex. But I agree with one point that the article brought up, which is that teens who do decide to have sex need to know how to protect themselves better...
I dont' necessarily agree with people who say they're going to wait until they get married...if they actually do, then more props to them, but I think it's better just to wait until you're in a serious relationship and you're ready to commit to the type of bond that sex creates. And more importantly, ready to accept the responsibilities of what could happen....like a baby.
Also....that 'renewed' virgin.....hehe does that sound slightly strange to anyone else? ;)

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:19 AM
I might also add, in response to a little crack that someone in here made...

Virgin, does not equal ugly :rolleyes: unless my freinds and I are the exception to the rule. It's little jokes like this that add to the "indirect pressure" I was talking about above.

Moving on:

I think staying a virgin untill you're married is a mistake. you should know the person you're marrying as well as you can before making the commitment, and that includes knowing them sexually

I agree with this. If I ever get married, I intend to ahve sex with that person before hand, because physical intimacy is an important factor in the relationship. I want to make sure that I can bond with that person on every level before committing myself to them, if there is such a person.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:20 AM
same situation here Becca..I don't regret waiting for the right person at all. But even if you know you're right ..the pressure gets bigger and bigger when you get older.

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:21 AM
Also....that 'renewed' virgin.....hehe does that sound slightly strange to anyone else?

Around here we call them "born again virgins" :D

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:24 AM
K, yes it does get more frusterating, but for me the frusteration is more over my inability to find a person with whom I connent than to the actually act of sex.

If I wanted, I could easily go down to the bar and pick up some random guy and go home with him. There are tons of guys (and women for that matter) who go the bars every just looking for a one night stand.

But why would I want to do that? I just have no interest whatsoever.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:26 AM
Becca, I'm glad that you don't let anyone influence you, especially on this matter. I was a virgin until I was 21yrs old, and I don't have any regrets. I think that a lot of people will find that their opinions and beliefs about sex will change as they experience the world more. I honestly don't believe that a person should jump into something as important as physical intimacy until they are absolutely ready to face ALL of the consequences that might happen. Everyone is not the same. While abstinence may be the right decision for some, it may not be for others who are mature enough to handle the situation. I'm glad to see that there are still youngsters out there who are willing to wait until they are absolutely committed to another person before jumping into something so grand as sexual intercourse.

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:27 AM
There is also a bit of a stigma that comes with being a virgin, if you are a female. The whole "purity" concept comes into play.

What I mean, is that people actually make comments about me as if I'm somehow more "pure" than someone who is having sex.

I'm not particularly fond of these comments either, as I fail to see how someone who is sexually active is all of a sudden unpure. Especially seeing as these words don't seem to be used all too often for my male counterparts.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:32 AM
you sound like me Becca ;)

same here...sex is just a part in a relationship, and for me all the other parts of a relationship are lots more important at the moment. The biggest problem is finding that special person...and that can be pretty frustrating.

Don't know if I could just go to a bar and pick up some chick :o...I doubt it..but even if that would be possible..I would never do that..I have no need to have sex without any feelings involved..

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:34 AM
K, will you go out with me? :D

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:36 AM
if we lived in the same country I would ;)

Crazy Canuck
Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:38 AM
Oh pfftt... we're all part of the same BIG country :fiery:

hmm lol bedtime :cool:

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:51 AM
Becca, I saw him first!

and I think what you're doing makes absolute sense. I wish I waited longer.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:59 AM
Becca, I can relate with you to some point, barring the obvious gender differences ;)
I'm 19, and a virgin. That is completely my own choice....I've had plenty of girlfriends, and most of them would have been very willing to have sex with me, but to be honest I haven't really felt a deep connection with any of them, and consequently wasn't willing to get that serious with any of them. Call me cheesy or whatever, but I know one of these days I'll find that someone who I feel that connection with, and we'll go from there. I'm fine with staying a virgin until then.
Now, my pals on the other hand. Whenever we go out, last night for example, it's always the same as you mentioned....'let's get Mitch laid tonight' but it's all said in fun and they're not really pressuring me. (Although they do think I'm crazy because my last real girlfriend was very good looking and rather, let's say, voluptuous) Most of my really close friends are sexually active with their girlfriends/boyfriends and I think that's fine, because they're all very committed to each other and they're pretty responsible...although I do have one friend that I wonder about, she seems to have no sense of commitment to her boyfriends, but that's her choice I guess.....
It just frustrates me, the social pressures that are out there to have sex. I admit I can be protective of my little sister who's in her teens and getting to that age where sex can be a big source of peer pressure. Being from a small town and small area and know everyone around here, when I find out certain people who my sister is going out with, sometimes I just want to deck that certain guy and say 'leave my sister alone' - lol. Big brother syndrome I guess. She's smart though, I'm sure she won't make any dumb choices.
Anyways, I'm getting way off track here and this is kinda long and pointless ;) Damn what am I doing still up at all, I have a final first thing in the morning....whoops better get to bed...hehe 'Nite everyone :D

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:02 AM
so if I have a gf now, and we get sexual, I'd still be considered a virgin? lol That's just weird! ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:04 AM
Originally posted by inkyfan
so if I have a gf now, and we get sexual, I'd still be considered a virgin? lol That's just weird! ;)

What makes you say that? :confused:

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:07 AM
a couple of people in here didn't think same sex couples having "sex" actually was sex...

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:13 AM
I hope you don't mean me (can't see anyone else commenting on this topic), cause that's not what I think at all. ;) I just said that I wouldn't call masturbation sex, because to me sex involves at least two people.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:20 AM
lol no, not you...someone on the previous page! lol DOn't even remember who now! lol

No, I don't really think masturbation is sex either... you need two people for sex! ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:40 AM
Yep, I think that's me you're referring to on the first page. :o I was the one talking about conception, but only because to me it's a big consideration as a heterosexual female. I didn't mean to imply that sex which does not lead to reproduction is not sex. Far from it. I'd be the first person to claim that reproduction is not essential to sex and I've had many arguments with people who claim otherwise (lol what can I say, I'm argumentative). But to me, the possibility of getting pregnant is a huge consideration.

Just wanted to clarify that. ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 10:53 AM
Originally posted by Rebecca
Oh pfftt... we're all part of the same BIG country :fiery:

hmm lol bedtime :cool:

hmm ok..are you coming here this weekend? or should I go there? ;)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 02:51 PM
I salute people who hold out until they get married. I couldn't do it.

Dec 2nd, 2002, 03:29 PM
From a realistic standpoint, I don't think people should have vaginal sex until at least 18, and hopefully 21, so that they don't end up with children before they are done with school. (anal/oral sex from this argument are irrelevant)

From a moral standpoint (I am a Catholic), I don't think that you should have sex of any kind until you are in a long term, comitted relationship (at least a year, hopefully more). Marriage is to me a symbolic thing today because for example, my mom (my parents divorced when I was 2) has been married twice, and is now in a 4 year relationship with this guy. To me they are like a married couple because they live together, are completely faithful, and do everything together. Just because they are not legally married doesn't mean IMHO that they are not spiritually married. (same thing with homosexuals)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 05:41 PM

Dec 2nd, 2002, 08:06 PM
Former President Clinton said he "didn't have sex" with Monica Lewinsky. So maybe one can be a virgin and still maintain he/she is a virgin. :)

Dec 2nd, 2002, 11:56 PM
yes but choco... everyone says he lied... and he didn't say he "didn't have sex" he said he "didn't have sexual relations"...

Dec 3rd, 2002, 12:05 AM
The President of the USA lied??? ;)

I hear about this phenomenon of high school girls having oral sex with their boyfriends and maintaining that they will stay virgins until marriage. So virginity means something different to different people.

Dec 3rd, 2002, 12:06 AM
lol yeah I know... shock horror ehh? ;)

Virginia Wade
Dec 3rd, 2002, 12:54 AM
Choosing Virginity

Yes. Choose me.

Dec 3rd, 2002, 12:57 AM
I've never really chosen it. It just kind of chose me

Dec 3rd, 2002, 12:58 AM
Originally posted by Xavier_Malisse
I've never really chosen it. It just kind of chose me
So Jennifer wasn't really that interested in you?

Dec 3rd, 2002, 01:02 AM
hey Virginia... it says choose VirginiTY! ;) no a in there! ;) Should you maybe get your eyes tested? :p

Virginia Wade
Dec 3rd, 2002, 01:07 AM
My eyes are perfect thank you. I can almost nearly read my knitting patterns if I put them right up to my eyes point blank.

Dec 3rd, 2002, 01:10 AM
lmfao...ehh yeah ok deary! ;) Your eyes are perfect! ;)