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View Full Version : In This Thread, I post this month's star car keyings.


Car Key Boi
Nov 16th, 2002, 12:10 PM
Subject: midnight blue Honda Accord, 2001 or 2002. Had a "ILNY" sticker in the rear window and a Buddhist charm hanging from the rearview.

Offense: Double-parked in a monthly pay lot.

Punishment: Key was too good for this asshole. Found a piece of glass on the ground - much harder and sharper. A single long, looping scratch, from the front left fender right up to the driver's side door handle. Long twisting curls of paint dangling from scar, and in some places, scratches into the sheet metal, with tiny flakes of steel flecking the scraped-off paint.

Mission accomplished.

Car Key Boi :cool:



Subject:Volvo station wagon, 2000, charcoal grey. Light tan leather interior with built-in baby seat. Fish embelem on rear door, European-style "GB" sticker on bumper.

Offense:Parked 1.5 feet too close to corner, possibly obstructing vision and definitely giving me a reason.

Punishment:Huge Satanic pentagram on door panel, with the letters "CKB" to the immediate left of the driver's side door handle. I suppose explaining the offense to them would be more helpful, but I didn't have time to do the pentagram AND scratch "Vehicles must park no closer than 15 feet from the corner" into their nice dark paint.

Mission accomplished

Car Key Boi :cool:


Subject: 1999 Acura NSX, candy apple red. High school or college tassle hanging from rearview. Passenger seat piled high with what appeared to be multi-level marketing starter kit brochures. American flag in lower right corner of rear window. Parked in montly lot near my office.

Offense: Possession of MLM materials with intent to distribute.

Punishment: Time to break out the Swisstech Utili-Tool. Made about a dozen stabbing scrapes in the driver's door panel, some of them gouging so deep that the paint pulled away from the metal like a collision dent. Then did about ten jagged loops around the door handle to let the driver know that this wasn't a collision by another car. Was tempted to smash the passenger window and set the brochures on fire, but that is not my way.

Mission accomplished.

Car Key Boi :cool:




Subject: Forest green 1999 or 1998 Jeep Cherokee, with a "Cal" (as in Berkeley) cap over the trailer hitch and both an American and a Welsh flag in the rear side window.

Offense: Having an American flag on the car. Patriotism is fine, but true flag protocol restricts flag on cars to state funeral, diplomatic, and military vehicles only.

Punishment: Used the teeth on my extra-sharp specially sharpened deadbolt key to create a triple-row scratch, from the right tail light to the passenger side door. Mostly straight, but violently jaggy at the end as a deliberate, extra little "fuck you."

Mission accomplished.

Car Key Boi :cool:



Subject: Black Cadillac Escalade, tinted windows, big "Alpine Sound" windshield sticker and alarm system sickers on every other window. Arizona plates. Gold trim. Shiny mag wheels with numerous, unnecessary hex bolts.

Offense: Parked in half a space, rear bumper only a couple feet from fire hydrant. Also, way too much bling-bling.

Punishment: I used the Swisstech Utili-Key for this one. Using the serrated blade, I made several criss-crossing multiple-scratch stripes across the front right fender, from headlight to door joint.

BONUS: Waited in the Jamba Juice diagonally across the street, sipping an orange mango and reading the city paper. The owner returned, approaching from the rear and got in, seeming not to notice the heavy damage inflicted.

Right as he was about to start the car, he stopped with a sudden jerk, threw open the door, and jumped out. He bent down to inspect my handiwork, and screamed "FUCK! FUCK!" as he kicked his own tire about twenty times.

Everyone in the Jamba Juice looked up at the scene he made. He briefly scanned the crowd in the vain hope that a guilty face would stand out. I, of course, feigned a look of concern and sympathy. He got back in his Escalade, jabbing furiously at the buttons on his cell phone, and drove off with squealing tires.

One of my best days EVER.

Mission accomplished.

Car Key Boi :cool:

Jetta
Nov 16th, 2002, 12:15 PM
erm.....wrong forum......go maybe 50 miles east....find a car to hijack there......maybe you'll find your destination.

BritneySpearsIsHot
Nov 16th, 2002, 12:16 PM
Shit, wrong forum, i've entered the kindergarten one

Car Key Boi
Nov 16th, 2002, 03:33 PM
**SCREEEEEEEEEECH ****** bump *****

Car Key Boi :cool:

Celeste
Nov 16th, 2002, 09:17 PM
Car Key Boi were you in L.A. about one year ago? Ronnie let me drive his vintage '75 450 SL, chocolate brown with palomino interior to the Rodeo Collection to shop. I found this prime spot right in front of Louis Vuitton. When I was finished and came out with all my packages, someone had started at the top left of the trunk panel and swooped down, did a corkscrew, and then ended right at the bottom right rear, with a little swirl, like an ice skater finishing the routine. Being an L.A. native, I have many times been keyed. But I noticed something different about this one. It was art, really. Someone had thought this one out. It was carefully done, not a line out of place anywhere. Anyway I knew at the time this was a special tribute. What I did to deserve it, I have no idea. Ronnie did not see the art in it (a man you know) but it took 6 months before Ronnie found just the right place to restore it. I enjoyed seeing the work done in the meantime and did feel special.

Car Key Boi
Nov 16th, 2002, 09:57 PM
Originally posted by Celeste
Car Key Boi were you in L.A. about one year ago? Ronnie let me drive his vintage '75 450 SL, chocolate brown with palomino interior to the Rodeo Collection to shop. I found this prime spot right in front of Louis Vuitton. When I was finished and came out with all my packages, someone had started at the top left of the trunk panel and swooped down, did a corkscrew, and then ended right at the bottom right rear, with a little swirl, like an ice skater finishing the routine. Being an L.A. native, I have many times been keyed. But I noticed something different about this one. It was art, really. Someone had thought this one out. It was carefully done, not a line out of place anywhere. Anyway I knew at the time this was a special tribute. What I did to deserve it, I have no idea. Ronnie did not see the art in it (a man you know) but it took 6 months before Ronnie found just the right place to restore it. I enjoyed seeing the work done in the meantime and did feel special.

Well, I key upwards of 40 cars a day so it's hard for me to remember every single keying. However going by your wonderful description, I would say that it is more than likely you WERE viewing my artwork.

May I offer you my thanks for your appreciation. You know, it's every artists dream to have their art on display in a museum so that it can be appreciated. But for me, every parking lot in America is an extension of the Car Key Boi National Gallery.

Thanks for writing.

Car Key Boi :cool: