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MyskinaManiac
Oct 5th, 2011, 12:00 PM
I'm just curious for some opinions. I'm gay and currently seeing a nice guy. The issue I have is that a few guys like him or have crushes on him (particularly a few of his male friends), which I'm perfectly ok with. It's been an on-going battle for the last three weeks to get across to him that it's inappropriate to be too close to them knowing that they like him. He reassures me that I've got nothing to worry about. However, he had one over today tagged on facebook in his bed. I know he wouldn't have had sex with him, however from my point of view I think spending one on one time with someone who has a crush on you is sending the wrong message to the person and it is slightly disrespectful to the person they're seeing (me). To add fuel to the fire, the boy who's crushing on him may spend the night alone at his house as a friends sleep over sort of thing which happens with his regular circle of friends which don't like him beyond friends (male and female). I keep asking myself why I don't trust him and why do I worry? I'm certainly not jealous, because I know it's ok for them to hang out - because there's nothing worse than coming off as a controlling partner. But I can't help but thinking that I know better than this.

Is it worth fighting about? Is it worth letting him go because of how irrational he is (I mean, I may be getting the whole situation completely wrong)? I've spoken to him about it endlessly and I've warned him against this boy and other that like him staying over without myself or other friends present, stating that I will walk away and end it.

Has anyone been through similar? What to do...?

hectopascal
Oct 5th, 2011, 12:26 PM
First of all, from an objective point of view, can you rate the looks/attractiveness of yourself, your boyfriend and the other boy.

You say you're not jealous, but it seems like you are (or you're in denial?). There also seems to be some serious trust issues. I can only guess that these might stem from: (1) past friendships/relationships where you were burned; (2) you think that if it were you in that situation (that your bf is in) then you would cheat on him with another person; or (3) you have a strange suspicion that your bf is a smooth talking sly fox and your sixth sense is warning you to not trust him. If it's 1 or 2, these are issues that you can solve yourself, but if it's 3 I would say go with your instincts and break it off otherwise it will be more painful the longer you stay in the relationship and fall deeper in love.

P.S. These are my opinions only! I'm sorry you're going through such dramas, but these things usually solve themselves out eventually.
Also, I'm very much a practical person. I don't believe in a "one true love" but I do believe in commitment. Is it worth the stressing and worrying if your bf is not offering you the same level of commitment that you give to him?
There are many boys in the world for you to find if this relationship doesn't work out :P

MyskinaManiac
Oct 5th, 2011, 12:42 PM
I've never cheated in a relationship. Although I have been cheated on previously. I have voiced to him that I'm not ok with cheating and that any hint of it I'd leave him and not speak to him again. The more I think about it, he really has a lot to lose from cheating knowing I'd never see him than to gain. But than again, it's the thrill of have this naughty little secret. I'd say 1 and 2.

I want to let him go, but something is holding me back. It'd be easier for him to just tell me it's over than to string me alond like this, but he wont.

Super Dave
Oct 5th, 2011, 12:46 PM
He probably wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed, so that should tell him it's wrong. I agree with you.

Tripp
Oct 5th, 2011, 07:28 PM
Something similar has just happened to me.

Men are pigs. All of us :ras:.

Infiniti2001
Oct 5th, 2011, 07:53 PM
I don't think anyone can help you---You need to look within yourself to determine if the relation is healthy or not...

GoofyDuck
Oct 5th, 2011, 08:10 PM
I just wanna say, its OK to be jaleous. :)

JJ Expres
Oct 5th, 2011, 08:57 PM
i don't think that you are jealous you are just not dumb... some people are just dirty sluts who are going to try anything to get what they want(that includes having sex with your partner), and some men are just really horny sometimes so anything can happen...my best friend's(she is a female) boyfriend had sexual invitation from his bff(female) and now my friend feels uncomfortable even though she is not jealous,possessive or anything similar to that ...and if you plan to be in a long relationship you should just tell him what bothers you and if he doesn't accept some of your suggestions just break up with him and move on :shrug:

Helen Lawson
Oct 5th, 2011, 09:29 PM
There are alarm bells for me, you are not being crazy or irrational. It's worth talking to him about it more, and if there's a fight, so be it. He should respect your feelings and thoughts on this more, and I think your thoughts are correct.

ico4498
Oct 5th, 2011, 09:34 PM
your partner isn't ready for monogamy. move on if its important to you.

pov
Oct 5th, 2011, 10:45 PM
Gay or straight, you sound like someone who is very controlling. If you care about the person, enjoy your time with them and stop thinking/acting as if intimacy makes them akin to your possession.

MyskinaManiac
Oct 6th, 2011, 12:08 AM
Gay or straight, you sound like someone who is very controlling. If you care about the person, enjoy your time with them and stop thinking/acting as if intimacy makes them akin to your possession.

You're right. But I don't intend to feel like an absolute idiot when I see a person he's cheated on me with who I believe is a friend that I can rely upon. More so, I'm not keen on sti's. But overwhelmingly, he wouldn't accept this from me.

MyskinaManiac
Oct 6th, 2011, 12:14 AM
Just an update: I called him this morning to see if everything was ok. I informed him that I wasn't upset or angry and that everything was ok. However, I asked him if this boy had stayed over... he said no. So I apoligised for this. To make matters worse, I apologised knowing that he was lying to me because a friend had informed me that he was talking to both of them on the phone and this friend I trust. I'm not sure why he had to lie, I asked him if it were ok for me to sleep over a friend of mine who likes me that the bf does not like and he quickly replied "no, I would think that's inappropriate and I hate them". I think he knows he's done the wrong thing. I hope I haven't played a game by apoligising.

I get the whole thing of them being friends, but I really don't know the person he shared a bed with from a bar of soap. I'm seeing him this afternoon, I'm getting my things.

ElusiveChanteuse
Oct 6th, 2011, 02:03 AM
Nice ending I see.:hug:

*Nefertiti*
Oct 6th, 2011, 03:09 AM
Okay I am straight woman and this behavior is unfortunately common in certain type of men.
If I love my BF, I would be careful not to be so close to a man I feel attracted to, or him being attracted to me. It's dangerous not to mention would make my BF jealous and hurt his feelings. So I expect similar behavior from him!
It seems like your partner is this man who is always accompanied by "special close friends".

Moveyourfeet
Oct 6th, 2011, 03:47 AM
Your man is playing games with you. Walk away.

Shonami Slam
Oct 6th, 2011, 02:08 PM
Just an update: I called him this morning to see if everything was ok. I informed him that I wasn't upset or angry and that everything was ok. However, I asked him if this boy had stayed over... he said no. So I apoligised for this. To make matters worse, I apologised knowing that he was lying to me because a friend had informed me that he was talking to both of them on the phone and this friend I trust. I'm not sure why he had to lie, I asked him if it were ok for me to sleep over a friend of mine who likes me that the bf does not like and he quickly replied "no, I would think that's inappropriate and I hate them". I think he knows he's done the wrong thing. I hope I haven't played a game by apoligising.

I get the whole thing of them being friends, but I really don't know the person he shared a bed with from a bar of soap. I'm seeing him this afternoon, I'm getting my things.


I was completly with you until this.
weather it's your personality or his taking you down with him - you're officially in the "playing games" field, with your drama currently over who's doing what with whom, and not a word about "we have fun together and like being with each other".

it's time to cut away, the sooner the better.
you're not into each other, at least in my impression.

Just Do It
Oct 6th, 2011, 02:17 PM
I know how you feel. Hack his facebook, read SMS or even spy on him. That is my advice to you, you won't be calm until you check some things.

ranfurly
Oct 7th, 2011, 12:47 AM
So he lied about having someone over, That tells me he's either keeping something clandestine from you or that he's trying to reassure you by a lie because he realises that you might get upset due to your constant reassuring that you are ok with the situation, Even for the other half, having someone constantly reassuring your ok with things can make you come across not reassuring and comfortable, but almost cathratic with the situation.

To be honest, your perceptions of what is acceptable and his perceptions of what is acceptable are on different wave lengths (this is just from what you have told us) and having these perceptions are not going to gel well, I don't know why, perhaps upbringing, age, whatever the reason, you will be fighting a losing battle, ebcause in the end, all you will want to do is try and manipulate (not aggresivley) his actions into something you perceieve to be more acceptable, and you will come accross of controlling, which is something you are conscience about.

At the end of the day, you know your relationship better than any of us here spouting our opinion.

Just try not to start playing games or being intentionally oblivious, if you are unable to discuss these issues with him upfront, then I don't see how this is going to iron itself out successfully, communication is perhaps the most important and integral part of any relationship (if you are wanting to be serious) if your struggling to acheive that, then maybe a sit down and a good hard look might be the enxt step.

mykarma
Oct 7th, 2011, 02:06 AM
Just an update: I called him this morning to see if everything was ok. I informed him that I wasn't upset or angry and that everything was ok. However, I asked him if this boy had stayed over... he said no. So I apoligised for this. To make matters worse, I apologised knowing that he was lying to me because a friend had informed me that he was talking to both of them on the phone and this friend I trust. I'm not sure why he had to lie, I asked him if it were ok for me to sleep over a friend of mine who likes me that the bf does not like and he quickly replied "no, I would think that's inappropriate and I hate them". I think he knows he's done the wrong thing. I hope I haven't played a game by apoligising.

I get the whole thing of them being friends, but I really don't know the person he shared a bed with from a bar of soap. I'm seeing him this afternoon, I'm getting my things.

I think you know in your gut that he's not to be trusted and you need to stop making excuses and claiming it's ok when you know it's not. I know it's tough but better end it now than get hurt later.

MyskinaManiac
Oct 7th, 2011, 09:42 AM
Yup. Ended it today. I feel relieved and I feel as though I tried my hardest. I apologised for anything I did for my own relief of any guilt I felt. The breakup resulted in a massive facebook sledging match between him and every male to ever pay me attention. It was psychotic.

Thank you everyone for your help and guidance (It honestly helped). I've learnt a massive lesson from this.

stevos
Oct 8th, 2011, 05:52 AM
Oh MyskinaManiac. I think we've argued in the past?
But that sucks about this shithead you were dating. And trust me, I know how hard this shit can be.
I've been given the run around for two years now, got cheated on multiple times by the same guy. It's the fucking worst, and every time I had an intuition about it too. Your gut, I think, doesn't lie. Sounds like this guy is clearly incredibly immature and insecure, especially seeing the aftermath of your breakup. Any person who understood how relationships work would've realized long ago his little sleepovers are not something that your partner should just oblige to. If you guys had a long conversation and worked out some kind of compromise and boundary, then sure, but that clearly wasn't the case.

I just don't get these kinds of guys. What a waste of time.
I cheated on a guy once, but that was because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and our relationship didn't have legs in the first place. I broke up with him the next day, I don't see why someone could cheat and then keep going as if nothing happened? There's clearly issues with this guy, and you should be so happy you're not still being caught up in those yourself.
Those people sure know how to make it a pasttime though, making their partners put up with their insecure bullshit.

Helen Lawson
Oct 8th, 2011, 11:53 AM
Yup. Ended it today. I feel relieved and I feel as though I tried my hardest. I apologised for anything I did for my own relief of any guilt I felt. The breakup resulted in a massive facebook sledging match between him and every male to ever pay me attention. It was psychotic.

Thank you everyone for your help and guidance (It honestly helped). I've learnt a massive lesson from this.

Sorry it ended, but it sounded like it needed to. I don't know how old you are, but there are young 20-somethings who do want monogamy, they are just harder to find. Or go the Daddy route, the old coot will be so happy to have you, he will never even think of cheating. Life is all about trade-offs, hon.;)

melodynelson
Oct 8th, 2011, 01:09 PM
Oh MyskinaManiac. I think we've argued in the past?
But that sucks about this shithead you were dating. And trust me, I know how hard this shit can be.
I've been given the run around for two years now, got cheated on multiple times by the same guy. It's the fucking worst, and every time I had an intuition about it too. Your gut, I think, doesn't lie. Sounds like this guy is clearly incredibly immature and insecure, especially seeing the aftermath of your breakup. Any person who understood how relationships work would've realized long ago his little sleepovers are not something that your partner should just oblige to. If you guys had a long conversation and worked out some kind of compromise and boundary, then sure, but that clearly wasn't the case.

I just don't get these kinds of guys. What a waste of time.
I cheated on a guy once, but that was because I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship and our relationship didn't have legs in the first place. I broke up with him the next day, I don't see why someone could cheat and then keep going as if nothing happened? There's clearly issues with this guy, and you should be so happy you're not still being caught up in those yourself.
Those people sure know how to make it a pasttime though, making their partners put up with their insecure bullshit.

Not that I excuse it (especially not other things that go wrong or bad within relationships that do not involve cheating), but people make mistakes. Things happen in life. Unfortunately most things just aren't so black and white for a lot of people.

For the original poster I am glad he figured out what was best for him. Good luck in the future.

WhatTheDeuce
Oct 9th, 2011, 04:11 AM
Reading about shit like this makes me happy I stopped seeing guys & having sex. :o *tries to convince self*

Glad the breakup was clean, OP.

stevos
Oct 9th, 2011, 05:05 AM
Not that I excuse it (especially not other things that go wrong or bad within relationships that do not involve cheating), but people make mistakes. Things happen in life. Unfortunately most things just aren't so black and white for a lot of people.

For the original poster I am glad he figured out what was best for him. Good luck in the future.

Trust me, you won't meet someone more forgiving of mistakes than me. There's a point, though, where you realize "mistakes" is a pretty pathetic excuse for the shit some people pull.

shap_half
Oct 12th, 2011, 02:59 AM
As someone on this thread already said: Men are pigs. All of us.

Moveyourfeet
Oct 12th, 2011, 04:42 AM
As someone on this thread already said: Men are pigs. All of us.

Not my husband. He's an :angel:
I, on the other hand... :devil:

Miss Atomic Bomb
Oct 12th, 2011, 09:22 AM
And thats why occasional threesomes help a relationship.

McPie
Oct 12th, 2011, 10:16 AM
_-GNemQ0JTc

lympyisthebest
Oct 12th, 2011, 12:47 PM
And thats why occasional threesomes help a relationship.

They're definitely not for every couple.

Kart
Oct 13th, 2011, 04:51 PM
I've learnt a massive lesson from this.

I'm curious as to what the lesson was - or rather what you'd do differently in the future.

My take on this is that you either trust your partner or you don't. If you don't trust your partner, that is not necessarily a bad thing but you'll need to pick someone that understands that. This bloke clearly didn't.

Not that I excuse it (especially not other things that go wrong or bad within relationships that do not involve cheating), but people make mistakes. Things happen in life. Unfortunately most things just aren't so black and white for a lot of people.

Well it is black and white really. You cannot accidently cheat on your partner. You can regret it immediately (or even before) but everyone has a choice.

Note that I'm not passing some harsh judgement on cheating partners. To be honest, I don't really have a huge problem with people doing it - it's the lying / trying to justify it afterward that I'd take issue with personally.