PDA

View Full Version : Rate my essay


SV_Fan
Sep 22nd, 2008, 02:23 AM
This is my rough draft for school about the 1996 everest disaster. Please give me your thougts.


“ ....... I was in deep shit and the Calvary wasn't coming so I better do something about it myself.”(Chapter nineteen page 264) Clients from the Mountain Madness, and Adventure consultants groups were singing this dreaded tune in the mist of the calamity atop the world's highest peak. Due to delusional mistakes, the everest Expedition of 1996 became the worst in history. Scott Fischer and rival Rob Hall along with climbing guides paved the trajectory for this catastrophe. A sense of widespread distress, and destruction stopped the world for a moment a feat started by Anatoli Boukreev.

Anatoli Boukreev the leading climbing guide behind Scott Fischer did not believe in the 25,000 dollar job he was taking up. Born behind the Iron Wall of the Soviet Union, Boukreev was brought up to believe that everyone should fend for themselves. While ascending the mountain Boukreev refused to use supplemental oxygen; he dubbed it as “cheating”. So during May 10th the summit day, Boukreev eluded his assigned duties. Mountain Madness leader Scott Fischer devised a plan that would keep Boukreev in the middle of the clients. Instead of doing his job he rushed up to the summit and came down to reach camp four. He ended up being a over 4 hours ahead of schedule. Because of his steely, egoistic beliefs, he had a helping hand in the calamity. If anything it rubbed off on everyone; including Adventure Consultants leader Rob Hall.

Highly Successful, polite, and well known, Rob Hall was the head honcho of the climbing world. However while still pushing for the summit John Krakauer stopped, looked at Rob Hall who disappointedly said “ I wish we had got more clients to the top”. He knew that had he gotten all his clients to the top he could cement his status has the best climber/guide in the climbing community. He had placed a cast system between life, money, death, and pride. Hall knew that it would be impossible for him to make the, and that 2pm was sprinting swiftly closely. Scott Fischer his rival was briskly closing in on him, and the summit. Instead of think about the safety and well being of his clients; his turn his mind into an impregnable structure focused on one thing getting to the top first. Scott Fischer also was an unshakable piece of work too.

Scott Fischer used the expedition to find a sense of salvation. With 80's movie star good looks, a deep sense isolation, and lack of respect among the climbing community laid has the base; it was the perfect excuse to climb to the roof of the world. Fischer knew that unless he did something to surpass rival and friend Rob Hall he would always live in his shadows. Fischer also agreed to no matter what turn around at 2pm. Even though he knew that it was virtually impossible for him to climb 1,000+ feet in 30 minutes he dragged all 160 pounds of himself sluggishly up the mountain; for advertising and bragging rights. Being one-dimensional, he failed to realize the apparent malicious weather. Due to his mistakes he sadly unintentionally killed many clients.

Clients were charged 65,000 dollars to climb all the way up to the summit of Everest. Sadly the clients had no meaning to the more “experienced” climbers. Fischer was stated saying “I wasn't concerned about you, but the advertising space I could get in your magazine”. That egoistic statement proved that all clients were no more than meal tickets. Which is sad, due to the fact that had they taken themselves and the clients seriously 15 people would not have died. Everyone fails to digest the fact that this incident was avoidable had 1 person thought logically.

Uranium
Sep 22nd, 2008, 03:41 AM
High school?
Saying deep shit may not go well with your teacher:lol:

Ryan
Sep 22nd, 2008, 04:01 AM
I think it's really good, the only thing I'd fix is some of the punctuation. Read it out loud and you'll see (IMO) some of the commas are in the wrong spots. Also, not sure if you need to cite stuff, but anytime you describe someone (like Hall) its good to let the teacher know HOW you know he had moviestar good looks (aka a book etc). Good stuff though, I read "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer, which is all about this...since he was there and all. It's an awesome read.

égalité
Sep 22nd, 2008, 04:09 AM
"Cast" isn't the same word as "caste."

Sally Struthers
Sep 22nd, 2008, 04:32 AM
Crap... I deleted everything I wrote by accident. I started correcting every sentence you wrote but in the end there were too many errors for it to be useful.

ANyway, here's the major points. .

1. Check the commas
2. Check your sentences and beware run on sentences
3. Your word choice is horrible. You are using the wrong word for what you mean. Example: elude ... trajectory...feat iron wall instead of iron curtain. Tons of vocabulary errors.
4. This is the big thing.. your organization and structure is bad. All that you are doing is throwing out random names and some events that happen leaving a person with no prior knowledge of the situation totally confused. You must write it in a such a way that someone not familiar with the book will understand it. The introduction is not too bad besides the deep shit quote. That is totally inappropriate even though it is a direct quotation. You should start by introducing the major characters giving some background on them and then with a history of the mountain and some info on it too and maybe an overview of the basics of mountain climbing. Then trace their path up the mountain till the disaster occured. And then you can conclude with how things turned out in the aftermath of the event.

5. You use too many c liches like movie star looks.. head honcho.. etc

égalité
Sep 22nd, 2008, 04:40 AM
Agree with what Sally said. I don't know any more about the accident or the people involved in it after reading your essay than I did before. You need to work on introducing people and events in a way that's concise yet informative.

De-fluff, too. For example:

"Clients were charged 65,000 dollars to climb all the way up to the summit of Everest. Sadly the clients had no meaning to the more “experienced” climbers. Fischer was stated saying “I wasn't concerned about you, but the advertising space I could get in your magazine”. That egoistic statement proved that all clients were no more than meal tickets. Which is sad, due to the fact that had they taken themselves and the clients seriously 15 people would not have died. Everyone fails to digest the fact that this incident was avoidable had 1 person thought logically."

can become

"Fischer stated, “I wasn't concerned about you, but the advertising space I could get in your magazine”. To Fisher, the clients were no more than meal tickets. Had he taken himself and the clients more seriously, 15 people would not have died. If 1 person had thought logically, this incident could have been avoided."

without losing any meaning. Your goal is to inform, not to use pretty words.


Some problems with word choice:
Mistakes aren't "delusional." The people who make them are.
You mean "midst," not "mist"
"Caste," not "cast."
"Them," "they," "their," and "themselves" are plural pronouns.
You can't pave a trajectory.
Eluded doesn't mean what you think it does. "Eschewed" or "ignored" are better.

Lefty.
Sep 22nd, 2008, 05:19 AM
I think a better transition from your quotation would be good. You need some better flow between sentences and paragraphs so that the reader doesn't get lost within your essay. Also, you're doing a lot more telling about what happened than showing. And as people have said previously, watch the commas. :lol:

SV_Fan
Sep 22nd, 2008, 10:28 AM
Thank You guys so much.

Kworb
Sep 22nd, 2008, 12:26 PM
You should spell small numbers, like "four hours", "one person".

vadin124
Sep 22nd, 2008, 04:01 PM
You should spell small numbers, like "four hours", "one person".

yes...any numbers with two digits or less...

forty-five
seventy-eight etc.