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miffedmax
Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:59 PM
OPEN ON THE WIMBLEDON LOCKER ROOM. A GIANT STONE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH A MYSERTIOUS RACKET STICKING OUT OF IT. WRITTEN IN GOLD LETTERS ARE THE WORDS “WHOSOEVER PULLS THIS RACKET FROM THE STONE IS THE RIGHTFUL QUEEN OF ALL ENGLAND (THE CLUB).

ENTER MOMO.

MOMO: What great mystery is this? My racket stuck in a giant stone?

ENTER M&M

MAKIRI: Don’t touch Queen Masha’s racket, Knave!

MOMO: Don’t be ridiculous! It’s a Dunlop!

MAKIRI: Clearly, you are as blind as you are French! For that racket is clearly marked with what for the masses is a “P” but is clearly a “Q” for Queen Masha.

ENTER VENUS AND SERENA:

VEE: Hey, what’s my stick doing in that rock!

MOMO: Your stick?

REE:
You’re both crazy. That’s mine—haven’t seen it since ’03!

ENTER LENA D EATING A BAGEL THE SIZE OF A PIZZA.

LENA: “Yes, ‘its I, Elena of the Faint Hands, who can barely hold a serve. Hey! What’s my tennis racket doing stuck in that rock?

A FLASH OF BRILLIANT LIGHT. A PUFF OF SMOKE APPEARS. MIFFEDMERLIN, CLAD IN BLACK ROBES COVERED IN MYSTERIOUS SYMBOLS: A BLUE AND WHITE LONGHORN, A RED C, A NORDIC WARRIOR, A WHITE T).

MIFFEDMERLIN:
Yea, verily. Such is the nature of the spell that each of you shall see your own racket, but only one of you can pull it out.

MASHA:
We don’t believe it. Another Arthurian confrontation.

MIFFEDMERLIN: Hey, you think it’s easy coming up with this shit?

ENTER ANA AND JANKO.

Janko:
Perturb? Disturb? Blurb? I’m trying to write a song about how great our nation is, but there are so few good words that rhyme with Serb.

ANA:

Hi, I’m so happy to be here. Uh, Lena, what’s with the huge bagel?

LENA:
Oh, Marion gave it to me. See, I’ve decided that the reason I’m losing is that I’m too skinny. All the big girls beat me.

ANA: Oh, no, you’re just so cute just the way you are.

LENA: Maybe, but let’s face it. Marion kicks my ass. Serena kicks my ass . . .

REE: Hey, blondie, who are you calling fat?

LENA: Oh, you are not fat now. But when you were fat, you used to kick my ass.

REE: That’s true . . .

LENA: Masha beats me . . .

MASHA: We are perfect! Peasant, how dare you!”

LENA: Oh, you are much bigger than me.

ANA: Well, if being fat will make you happy, then I hope you get fat!

LENA: (to MiffedMerlin) Hey! Why are you staring at me?

MIFFEDMERLIN (who has obviously been staring,) Who? Me? I’m not staring. Or drooling. I’m not doing that either.

ENTER BALATCHA:

EB: I thought the Queen was that old lady . . .

ENTER MARTINA NAVRATILOVA: Hey! What the hell is my racket doing there? Although I am obviously the Queen of Wimbledon . . .

ENTER STEFFI Back off bitch! That’s my stick!

MIFFEDMERLIN: Oh, this was such a bad idea.

sharapovarulz1
Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:10 PM
:lol: :lol: Hilarious :clap2: :haha:

Ben.
Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:11 PM
:lol: :lol: hilarious. great job max :yeah:

Hashim.
Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:32 PM
:bigclap::clap2:
:spit::haha:

arslan2660
Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:36 PM
hahaha, funny. but not the funniest

Derek.
Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:44 PM
:lol:

Nice. :lol:

LindsayRulz
Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:03 PM
:lol:

Kworb
Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:07 PM
Janko:
Perturb? Disturb? Blurb? I’m trying to write a song about how great our nation is, but there are so few good words that rhyme with Serb.

:lol:

DragonFlame
Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:36 PM
:lol: you should continue the story while wimbledon goes along. Then in the end let the winning girl pull out the racket in the stone:D So many story possibilities, and just kick out characters out of the story when they lose:p The venus rosewater dish would make a great 'holy grail' no? ;)

clonesheep
Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:39 PM
Outside the locker room stand three men, waiting. They breath a sigh simultaneously.

Man #1, Rainer Hofmann: "Hello gentlemen. You don't look too happy today. What's in your mind?"

No response.

Rainer H.: "OK I will go first. I love my sweetheart Patty. I am entirely devoted to her and that's why I am here standing all day, to protect her and make sure no phychos and freaks ever get close to her. Yet... folks on the internet wrote bad things about me!! I just cannot win. Sigh. Sigh."

Man #2, Yuri Sharapov, breaks silence: "That's nothing. I love my daughter Masha to death and I want her to win all the tournaments so I, I mean we, can get all the money. That's why I am standing here all day, to intimidate her opponents and psyche them into defeat!! I am the model father of WTA yet those dimwits on the internet wrote bad things about me! Life is tough. Sigh."

Man #3, Rafael Font de Mora, finally speaks: "You lucky men have something to hang on to. I am all lost. Sigh. Sigh."

Rainer & Yuri: "Then what are you doing here?"

RFdM: " I have an addiction, an obsession that I cannot help."

Rainer & Yuri: "What???"

RFdM: "Anna-Lena Groenefeld. I don't know why I am here but I have to get close to her, sit in her opponent's box, stare at her, then watch her lose and cry. I get a kick out of it it's like drugs. I can't help."

RFdM begins to cry and walk away.

Rainer & Yuri, stunned, congratulate each other.

Rainer: "What a freak! I am glad we are normal. I am a loving husband and you a loving father. We are misunderstood because there're too many dimwits on the internet. But this guy Font de Something, he belongs to the mental institution!"

Yuri: "Exactly. I am just completely dumbfounded. What did this guy do sitting in someone's box all day if he doesn't make any money out of it? That's stupid. I wouldn't have sit in Masha's box for a minute if there ain't no money involved. She is my golden goose, I mean golden girl!"

Rainer: "You are a wise man. I am glad we have this conversation... (look at his watch) Oh! Patty is 20 minutes late. I need to go check her out to make sure no psychos and freaks are around her. See you."

Yuri: "You bet! I need to go, too. Time to practice my courtside routine. Oh wait! Where's my banana?"

Rainer and Yuri slowly walk away. Yuri keeps searching his pockets for a banana...

When Rainer, Yuri, and RFdM are completely out of sight, Anna-Lena, Masha, and Patty come out of hidding and safely walk into the locker room.

Hashim.
Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:52 PM
:lol:^
nice one

clonesheep
Jun 23rd, 2007, 05:24 PM
Reading inspirational notes at changeover has lately become a fade. Serena's note prompted her to Australian Open victory. Justine read a letter just before serving for the French Open title and it worked perfectly. Today Tennis Channel has an exclusive inside the locker room special to find out what the players are writing and reading for their upcoming matches.

Serena, Justine, and Anna-Lena Groenefeld are sitting, each quietly reading a piece of paper.

Camera close-up to Serena's note:

Dear Serena,

Yes I am talking to you. That's myself.

(This is confusing.)

Serena, I love you. I mean, I love myself.

The only person who can beat you, I mean beat me, is yourself, I mean myself.

So, don't beat me.

If you don't beat me, I mean if I don't beat myself, then you always win.

So I always win. Is that clear?

Talk to you at the next change up.

Camera switches to Justine's note that she is reading that was written by someone else:

Dear Justine,

Good luck. Hope you win it all. And remember to wire 50% of your prize money to my bank account as usual. That's called "alimony" in English as I just learned LOL. My flamboyant lifestyle needs some support LOL.

Truly your ex,
Pierre-Yves

Finally, camera turned to Anna-Lena Groenefeld's note, written by herself:

My name is Anna-Lena

I am a big gorilla

Pay no attention to skinny monkey Font de Mora

I fear him not

'Cause I am a big gorilla

And he is skinnier than Daniela

hurricanejeanne
Jun 23rd, 2007, 05:27 PM
MASHA: We donít believe it. Another Arthurian confrontation.
MIFFEDMERLIN: Hey, you think itís easy coming up with this shit?

:haha:
And :yeah: for going a little old school with Martina the First and Steffi, Max.

ce
Jun 23rd, 2007, 05:43 PM
good one with bagel thing ....:haha:

TLP
Jun 23rd, 2007, 06:12 PM
Inside the women's locker room at SW19.

Ame: Who is the blond bimbo outside our area? She looks somewhat familiar. She's been out there for over an hour. Kinda sad really.

Ree: Oh hell, Amelie, that's just Kim, she must be missing the tour, can't understand why. I'd much rather be home watching a movie or getting ready for one of my many TV appearances but playing tennis is the sacrifice one makes for stardom.

Peppermint Patty: So what should we do, invite her in or give her something? I mean she was once the #1 player and all and I hate to see her outside all by herself, we let the old bag in here so why not Kim?

Ree: Girl, I haven't got time to stroll down memory lane and don't be messin with my bag, you got your own bag and it looks full to me. What you got in your bag, PP?

The Nav: What old bag you talking about PP?

PP: Not you Martina, I was talking about that other old bag, Chrissy Everts,or something like that, you know, old prune face. I think she's even older than you are, Martina. You guys want some choclate? That's whats in my bag, the dwarf's physio said she couldn't have any so she gave me her supply to pass out.//Patty opens up her bag to reveal a huge supply of Belgian treats? Maybe we should give some to Kim?

JuJu: Who you calling dwarf, bucky? I'm almost as tall as you are and at least I've got game. I gave you my choclate for you to pass out and your bag is still full. I should have known better, Carlos warned me about you.

Ree: Hey JuJu, how come you just didn't pass it out yourself?

JuJu: I'm not friendship material and sharing would hurt my image so I figured Patty could use the PR.

PP: //Upset from the putdown// Hey Justine, how's your husband?

JuJu: Ok, I guess, by the way, PP why were those uniformed men leading Hoffman out of the stadium? Say hello to your folks for me, Ok?

The Nav: Ladies, stop with the insults, Let's think of something positive to do for Kim, she really does look sad out there all by herself. One of us should go out there and invite her inside. Who will volunteer? How bout you Justine? Justine? Damn that little scamp is fast. How bout you, Patty?

PP: I'm not going out there, I've got all this f****** choclate to pass out.

Janko: I know lets draw straws or do paper, rock, sissors?

Ame: Oh year, I remember Kim, nice butt----boring game. Look boys and girls, I'm the defending champ, I've got enough on my plate thinking about my responsibilities at Wimbledon, I haven't got time for cheerful reunions. Let Sugi go out there and invite her in. Sugi, Kim was your old dubs partner, right?

Ai: It's bad enough we get blamed for WWII, now I'm supposed to go outside and drag her butt in here just because I'm Japenese, I don't think so. She's the one who wanted to have babies and get married or does that need to be reversed? I'm reading War and Pease and I'll go speak to Kim when I'm finished.

The Nav: What page are you on?

Ai: Seven. // Let Nadia go out there, she and Kim were friendly?

The Nav: Yeah Nadia, you go out there--you and Kim were buddies. Say something nice to her, she was nice to all of you, except may the dwa---uh JuJu.

Nadia: Why me? Kim was nice to everyone. Look my doctor says I won't be able to play Wimbledon if my depression gets any worse. I can't think of anything more depressing that to waste my time talking to a former player who hangs out in front to the women's locker room. She'll just want to talk about having babies, her wedding dress, ouch my back in hurting, I just can't do it.

Big Masha: I can't believe how cowardly all of you are. I guess it's up to the Siberian Tigress to do the right thing. You guys are going to owe me big time for this. I'm only 20 but it's obvious I'm the only adult here. This is a big time gesture on my part. Your girls should be ashamed of yourselves. Kim is anxious to see you and not one of you have the huevos to go out and invite one of the greatest and certainly the nicest players to ever pick up a racket into the locker room. I'll do it, just remember that.//Big Masha gets up and goes to the entrance.

Big Masha: Hey you, chubby girl---go away. You're making everyone uncomfortable. So don't make me call security on you. Shoo---go away and don't come back.

clonesheep
Jun 23rd, 2007, 06:13 PM
Amelie Mauresmo and Vera Dementieva, AKA Moma Vera, had a conversation outside the locker room.

Moma Vera: "Don't say I didn't warn you about your unwanted advances toward my innocent daughter Elena. You know she is underage!"

Momo: "But she is 25 ..."

Vera: "That's like 15 to me. Sorry."

Momo: "It was just a little touch of her ass as a sign of friendship."

Vera: "No."

Momo: "What about just a pat in the back as a way of mutual encouragement?"

Vera: "No."

Momo: "OK. No physical contact. Just fantasize about her naked in the bed alright?"

Vera: "No."

Momo: "Fantasize about her half naked, relaxing in the lounge?"

Vera: "No."

Momo: "Fantasize about her fully clothed having tea with me?"

Vera: "No. Well, unless it's accompanied by her mom, that's me, fully clothed, too."

Awkward silence ensued.

kinseh
Jun 23rd, 2007, 07:18 PM
Inside the women's locker room at SW19.

Ame: Who is the blond bimbo outside our area? She looks somewhat familiar. She's been out there for over an hour. Kinda sad really.

Ree: Oh hell, Amelie, that's just Kim, she must be missing the tour, can't understand why. I'd much rather be home watching a movie or getting ready for one of my many TV appearances but playing tennis is the sacrifice one makes for stardom.

Peppermint Patty: So what should we do, invite her in or give her something? I mean she was once the #1 player and all and I hate to see her outside all by herself, we let the old bag in here so why not Kim?

Ree: Girl, I haven't got time to stroll down memory lane and don't be messin with my bag, you got your own bag and it looks full to me. What you got in your bag, PP?

The Nav: What old bag you talking about PP?

PP: Not you Martina, I was talking about that other old bag, Chrissy Everts,or something like that, you know, old prune face. I think she's even older than you are, Martina. You guys want some choclate? That's whats in my bag, the dwarf's physio said she couldn't have any so she gave me her supply to pass out.//Patty opens up her bag to reveal a huge supply of Belgian treats? Maybe we should give some to Kim?

JuJu: Who you calling dwarf, bucky? I'm almost as tall as you are and at least I've got game. I gave you my choclate for you to pass out and your bag is still full. I should have known better, Carlos warned me about you.

Ree: Hey JuJu, how come you just didn't pass it out yourself?

JuJu: I'm not friendship material and sharing would hurt my image so I figured Patty could use the PR.

PP: //Upset from the putdown// Hey Justine, how's your husband?

JuJu: Ok, I guess, by the way, PP why were those uniformed men leading Hoffman out of the stadium? Say hello to your folks for me, Ok?

The Nav: Ladies, stop with the insults, Let's think of something positive to do for Kim, she really does look sad out there all by herself. One of us should go out there and invite her inside. Who will volunteer? How bout you Justine? Justine? Damn that little scamp is fast. How bout you, Patty?

PP: I'm not going out there, I've got all this f****** choclate to pass out.

Janko: I know lets draw straws or do paper, rock, sissors?

Ame: Oh year, I remember Kim, nice butt----boring game. Look boys and girls, I'm the defending champ, I've got enough on my plate thinking about my responsibilities at Wimbledon, I haven't got time for cheerful reunions. Let Sugi go out there and invite her in. Sugi, Kim was your old dubs partner, right?

Ai: It's bad enough we get blamed for WWII, now I'm supposed to go outside and drag her butt in here just because I'm Japenese, I don't think so. She's the one who wanted to have babies and get married or does that need to be reversed? I'm reading War and Pease and I'll go speak to Kim when I'm finished.

The Nav: What page are you on?

Ai: Seven. // Let Nadia go out there, she and Kim were friendly?

The Nav: Yeah Nadia, you go out there--you and Kim were buddies. Say something nice to her, she was nice to all of you, except may the dwa---uh JuJu.

Nadia: Why me? Kim was nice to everyone. Look my doctor says I won't be able to play Wimbledon if my depression gets any worse. I can't think of anything more depressing that to waste my time talking to a former player who hangs out in front to the women's locker room. She'll just want to talk about having babies, her wedding dress, ouch my back in hurting, I just can't do it.

Big Masha: I can't believe how cowardly all of you are. I guess it's up to the Siberian Tigress to do the right thing. You guys are going to owe me big time for this. I'm only 20 but it's obvious I'm the only adult here. This is a big time gesture on my part. Your girls should be ashamed of yourselves. Kim is anxious to see you and not one of you have the huevos to go out and invite one of the greatest and certainly the nicest players to ever pick up a racket into the locker room. I'll do it, just remember that.//Big Masha gets up and goes to the entrance.

Big Masha: Hey you, chubby girl---go away. You're making everyone uncomfortable. So don't make me call security on you. Shoo---go away and don't come back.

:haha: so mean to Kimmie, but I couldn't stop laughing. :p

rhz
Jun 23rd, 2007, 07:24 PM
do one with Anna K and Pam Shriver and Conchita Martinez in it please ! oh Rennae could be in it too.. Keep it coming guys!

Europe rocks
Jun 23rd, 2007, 09:06 PM
All of these are so great as usual! Best part of the year, the run up to a Slam

Bruno71
Jun 23rd, 2007, 09:18 PM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.

TLP
Jun 23rd, 2007, 10:05 PM
A big group of the top players are packed in a circle in the waiting area of the locker room. BJK comes wallking in and sees the packed circle. BJK shouts--make room, make room let me in. As BJK makes it to the inner circle of the large group she is startled to see Jelena Jankovic prostrate on the floor murmuring "the ball was out, it was out". JJ has a large red bump on her noggin. BJK gets very concerned for JJ, and for JJ's safety. She cries out in anguish: "who did this, which one of you bitches hurt this precious child."

Amelie: Don't burst your girdle Billie Jean, none of us laid a hand on her, she was like this when Stubbsy and I found her. Renae went for help and the rest of the girls came as soon as I gave a shout. We are all concerned for JJ. Bepa comes running up with a cold wet towell and bends downs and places it on JJ's forehead. "There, there, now, now" says Bepa soothingly.

Venus, trying to be helpful says: BJK is right, someone has hurt this child, just look at that nasty bump, reminds me of the time Serena got ahold of two boys who were teasing her and she....

Ana Ivanovic: It was probably you who did this Venus. JJ's beaten you like 10 times in a row.

Vee: Don't point your finger at me, I didn't do noting and you can't prove it anyway. You start that racist crap with me and you can kiss your endorcements goodby. I usually do my whuppings on the court but I'll make an exception for you my pretty. How can you even think I would do such a thing when Miss protect my #1 ranking at all costs is not more than 10 feet away.

JuJu: I would not do such a thing, JJ's is no threat to moi. She has never beaten me and she just lost to some girl, I forget her name. My ranking is safe.

Amelie: Please stop this bickering: Stubbsy and I must have gotten here right after it happened. There was no one around her but she muttered that is was a make out or make up artist, I couldn't make out exactly what she was saying. Let's try to put this together. Who is the last player to see JJ before Stubbsy and I found her like this?

Chaky: I just played her at Ordina. I won ya know. She left in a big hurry after my awards ceremony where I was crowned queen of Ordina. She said something about getting in a quick $25 K event before Wimbledon. I figured she just didn't didn't want to face the media after I kicked her a uh-ummm, that is after I won our match. She was moving so fast she hadn't even finished packing. Who ever heard of getting in a quick $ 25 K two days before Wimbledon?

Just them Sybille clears her lovely throat---hushssssssssssssssssssss!

BJK: Bam-Bam if you know something, share it with us. This is important>

Sybille: This does sound familiar. I think I might know something about this and I racking my brain trying to remember. If only Dulko was here, I know that she knows something, this is so difficult because my memory won't get in gear. Wait a second, Concita knows, no wait she's retired. There, there she knows all about it // Everyone looks at the woman Bam-Bam points to.

Marion: Marion Bartoli is pretending to ignore the accusing digit. She begins singing "born free, my father's a doctor"

Sybille: Come on Marion, you know, I know you know.

Marion: What, me. Oh now, come on everyone: Sybille is crazy, did you see those photographs of her in WTAworld, she is a disgrace and a trollop, please.

BJK and Amelie: Marion, if you know something you have to tell us.

Sybille: Yes, Marion, stop changing the subject and stop stalling.

Marion: Ok I might know what happened because the same thing happened to me. My father calls it rankitis. He diagnosed me. Some of us play so many tournaments to keep up our ranking that we don't know where we are half the time. We meet ourselves coming and going and collide in the middle. Uh, I'll go find my dad, he can check JJ and see if she has a concussion.

LONG PAUSE:

Venus bends over a bit to speak with Justine.

Vee: Hey JuJu, have you ever heard of rankitis, I know I haven't.

JuJu: Me neither, by the way that's a nice sap you have, wanna see my new knucks?

UDACHi
Jun 23rd, 2007, 10:54 PM
ANA:

Hi, Iím so happy to be here. Uh, Lena, whatís with the huge bagel?

LENA:
Oh, Marion gave it to me. See, Iíve decided that the reason Iím losing is that Iím too skinny. All the big girls beat me.

ANA: Oh, no, youíre just so cute just the way you are.

LENA: Maybe, but letís face it. Marion kicks my ass. Serena kicks my ass . . .

REE: Hey, blondie, who are you calling fat?

LENA: Oh, you are not fat now. But when you were fat, you used to kick my ass.

REE: Thatís true . . .

:spit:

you cruel genius. :rolls:

LudwigDvorak
Jun 24th, 2007, 08:14 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Brilliant. My favorite so far. "Talk to zee hand Sehr-ena" :haha:.

Now egalite should make a few and we have the complete troupe!

Maria Croft
Jun 24th, 2007, 08:38 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.

This one is so great :lol:

MrSerenaWilliams
Jun 24th, 2007, 09:08 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.

:worship: Great stuff

domon17th
Jun 24th, 2007, 09:18 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.

OMG :worship: :haha: :haha:

bellascarlett
Jun 24th, 2007, 09:25 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...


:lol: good one!

Nastya :haha: :haha: I really wanna know what she thinks. :lol:

Ballbasher
Jun 24th, 2007, 09:40 AM
Can someone pleaz include Bethanie Mattek to one of these conversations :)

Ben.
Jun 24th, 2007, 09:55 AM
Momo: "Fantasize about her fully clothed having tea with me?"

Vera: "No. Well, unless it's accompanied by her mom, that's me, fully clothed, too."

Awkward silence ensued.

:haha:

Hashim.
Jun 24th, 2007, 10:42 AM
WIMBLEDON LADIES LOCKER ROOM, Monday June 25th, 2007

In the Northwest corner of the locker room, Nastya approaches Nicole.

NICOLE: What're you doing here Nasty? You're not in the draw.

NASTYA: I come to tell you good knock-knock joke. Knock-knock!

NICOLE: Oh come on you can't be serious!

NASTYA: KNOCK FUCKING KNOCK!!!!

NICOLE: OK OK, who's there?

NASTYA: Jurgen.

NICOLE: Jurgen who?

NASTYA: Jurgenna get your fucking ass kicked by fucking me, fucking boyfriend-stealing devilbitch!

Huge brawl ensues, with blonde and black hair flying willy-nilly.

Meanwhile in the Northeast corner, Ana & Jelena are having a confrontation of their own.

ANA: ...no, really, Jelena, you're cuter. You have such a nice smile!

JELENA: Oh no really it's just luck, I'm so lucky! You're soooooooo much cuter!

ANA: How can anyone play 4500 weeks in a row and still smile? You're soooooooooooo darned cute Jelena!

JELENA: Awwwwww Ana no one has a smile like you, especially when you call your own lines. YOU'RE cuter!

ANA: No you are! It's not just anyone that can smile while getting their ass kicked by Justine 6 times!

JELENA: No you! It shines like a heavenly beacon, even as you're being whipped by Zvonareva!

ANA: No you! Your smile is tranny-perfect!

JELENA: No you! It's improved without all that baby fat!

ANA: No you!

JELENA: No you!

ANA: You!

JELENA: You!...

Meanwhile, in the Southeast corner, Masha emerges from the showers. Serena approaches, holding a jar.

SERENA: Bitch, did you use my Oil of Olay?

MASHA: I thought you wouldn't mind...

SERENA: No no no no no no no no NO!!! That is clearly over the line! You want your ass kicked a third time? Do I need to speak another language???

MASHA: Back off! I'm still ranked higher than you! And I can outgrunt you anyday! Besides, I don't know any other languages!

SERENA: Oh yeah, outgrunt me???!??
UNGGHHHHH! COME ON!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UH!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAH-UHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!

MASHA: WHOWAHHHH-UHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

SERENA: UNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! COME ON BITCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Masha crumbles to the floor, defeated.

Serena, still angry and in a moment of sheer hubris, walks over to Justine in the Southwest corner.

SERENA: You and your skanky hand wanna take me on too, bitch?

JUSTINE: Please to not be angry wees me Seh-rehna. We can be zee friends, yays? I am not a nasty girl now, weesout Pierre-Yves.

SERENA: Not in this lifetime, fag hag! So COME ON! Bring it!

Justine removes her hand from her pocket and raises it. The French crowd can be heard cheering all the way from Paris.

SERENA: Ack! UNGGHHH! Yow! COME ON!! That smarts! Are you taking advantage of me? I feel violated!

JUSTINE: Talk to zee hand, Seh-rehna...

SERENA (retreating): Just you wait little boy!
(in couplet form)
You'll wish you were on a different kind of grass
after I'm through with your bony little ass!

Exeunt Serena, to the practice courts, to work on expunging all remnants of the backhand slice from her game.

Pan to Amelie by the locker room door, who has been watching all four confrontations with the utmost amusement, and a demonic grin on her face.

Bruno ur really good at this:eek:
:haha:
great one..

LCS
Jun 24th, 2007, 03:12 PM
I guess a good lockeroom confrontation is not complete without the word bitch!!! LOLOL

LadyLil
Jun 24th, 2007, 03:57 PM
Love them!

sharapovarulz1
Jun 24th, 2007, 04:17 PM
Inside the women's locker room at SW19.

Ame: Who is the blond bimbo outside our area? She looks somewhat familiar. She's been out there for over an hour. Kinda sad really.

Ree: Oh hell, Amelie, that's just Kim, she must be missing the tour, can't understand why. I'd much rather be home watching a movie or getting ready for one of my many TV appearances but playing tennis is the sacrifice one makes for stardom.

Peppermint Patty: So what should we do, invite her in or give her something? I mean she was once the #1 player and all and I hate to see her outside all by herself, we let the old bag in here so why not Kim?

Ree: Girl, I haven't got time to stroll down memory lane and don't be messin with my bag, you got your own bag and it looks full to me. What you got in your bag, PP?

The Nav: What old bag you talking about PP?

PP: Not you Martina, I was talking about that other old bag, Chrissy Everts,or something like that, you know, old prune face. I think she's even older than you are, Martina. You guys want some choclate? That's whats in my bag, the dwarf's physio said she couldn't have any so she gave me her supply to pass out.//Patty opens up her bag to reveal a huge supply of Belgian treats? Maybe we should give some to Kim?

JuJu: Who you calling dwarf, bucky? I'm almost as tall as you are and at least I've got game. I gave you my choclate for you to pass out and your bag is still full. I should have known better, Carlos warned me about you.

Ree: Hey JuJu, how come you just didn't pass it out yourself?

JuJu: I'm not friendship material and sharing would hurt my image so I figured Patty could use the PR.

PP: //Upset from the putdown// Hey Justine, how's your husband?

JuJu: Ok, I guess, by the way, PP why were those uniformed men leading Hoffman out of the stadium? Say hello to your folks for me, Ok?

The Nav: Ladies, stop with the insults, Let's think of something positive to do for Kim, she really does look sad out there all by herself. One of us should go out there and invite her inside. Who will volunteer? How bout you Justine? Justine? Damn that little scamp is fast. How bout you, Patty?

PP: I'm not going out there, I've got all this f****** choclate to pass out.

Janko: I know lets draw straws or do paper, rock, sissors?

Ame: Oh year, I remember Kim, nice butt----boring game. Look boys and girls, I'm the defending champ, I've got enough on my plate thinking about my responsibilities at Wimbledon, I haven't got time for cheerful reunions. Let Sugi go out there and invite her in. Sugi, Kim was your old dubs partner, right?

Ai: It's bad enough we get blamed for WWII, now I'm supposed to go outside and drag her butt in here just because I'm Japenese, I don't think so. She's the one who wanted to have babies and get married or does that need to be reversed? I'm reading War and Pease and I'll go speak to Kim when I'm finished.

The Nav: What page are you on?

Ai: Seven. // Let Nadia go out there, she and Kim were friendly?

The Nav: Yeah Nadia, you go out there--you and Kim were buddies. Say something nice to her, she was nice to all of you, except may the dwa---uh JuJu.

Nadia: Why me? Kim was nice to everyone. Look my doctor says I won't be able to play Wimbledon if my depression gets any worse. I can't think of anything more depressing that to waste my time talking to a former player who hangs out in front to the women's locker room. She'll just want to talk about having babies, her wedding dress, ouch my back in hurting, I just can't do it.

Big Masha: I can't believe how cowardly all of you are. I guess it's up to the Siberian Tigress to do the right thing. You guys are going to owe me big time for this. I'm only 20 but it's obvious I'm the only adult here. This is a big time gesture on my part. Your girls should be ashamed of yourselves. Kim is anxious to see you and not one of you have the huevos to go out and invite one of the greatest and certainly the nicest players to ever pick up a racket into the locker room. I'll do it, just remember that.//Big Masha gets up and goes to the entrance.

Big Masha: Hey you, chubby girl---go away. You're making everyone uncomfortable. So don't make me call security on you. Shoo---go away and don't come back.


Brilliant :lol: :lol:

Willam
Jun 24th, 2007, 04:33 PM
hahaha, funny. but not the funniest


agree and agree :p

Bruno71
Jun 25th, 2007, 07:28 AM
A FEW PLAYERS LURKING AROUND THE LOCKERROOM

ANNA CHAKVETADZE:
Have no complexes
Vis-a-vis Sharapova
Can I defeat her?

JELENA JANKOVIC:
Hamstring, knee, shoulder
Have ointment in my locker
Hundred and fourth match

MARTINA HINGIS:
Nothing too precious
About young Ivanovic
Must tap her powers

VENUS WILLIAMS:
With my gold racket
Gesticulate second serve
To the left I go

MARIA SHARAPOVA:
Squawking from beyond
Insufferable daddy
A lid on it, put

AI SUGIYAMA:
It no longer works
Anyone up for doubles?
Sorry, Daniela

JUSTINE HENIN:
Match at three o'clock
Jorgelina Cra-who-ro?
Dinner, half past four

ANA IVANOVIC:
That old bag Hingis
Maybe if I smile at her
She won't stare at me

OLGA POUTCHKOVA:
No really, I'm good
No bagel girl like Whitehead
Deserving of seed

QUASI-RETIREES SECTION OF THE LOCKERROOM

ANNA KOURNIKOVA:
Career once travelled
I could've been just like them
There's still Enrique

MONICA SELES:
Everyone grunts now
I shoulda got a patent!
Just one more "Wha-EH!"

ANASTASIA MYSKINA:
Not me, I don't swear
I'm much too much a lady
Fuckin' right I am!

JENNIFER CAPRIATI:
Look there's Serena
Reminding me of those days
"Gosh dang" these doctors

LudwigDvorak
Jun 25th, 2007, 07:53 AM
A FEW PLAYERS LURKING AROUND THE LOCKERROOM


OLGA POUTCHKOVA:
No really, I'm good
No bagel girl like Whitehead
Deserving of seed



:haha: The best one. I can feel the desperation in her words.

Hashim.
Jun 25th, 2007, 08:11 AM
great :haha:

friendsita
Jun 25th, 2007, 08:44 AM
Inside the women's locker room at SW19.

Ame: Who is the blond bimbo outside our area? She looks somewhat familiar. She's been out there for over an hour. Kinda sad really.

Ree: Oh hell, Amelie, that's just Kim, she must be missing the tour, can't understand why. I'd much rather be home watching a movie or getting ready for one of my many TV appearances but playing tennis is the sacrifice one makes for stardom.

Peppermint Patty: So what should we do, invite her in or give her something? I mean she was once the #1 player and all and I hate to see her outside all by herself, we let the old bag in here so why not Kim?

Ree: Girl, I haven't got time to stroll down memory lane and don't be messin with my bag, you got your own bag and it looks full to me. What you got in your bag, PP?

The Nav: What old bag you talking about PP?

PP: Not you Martina, I was talking about that other old bag, Chrissy Everts,or something like that, you know, old prune face. I think she's even older than you are, Martina. You guys want some choclate? That's whats in my bag, the dwarf's physio said she couldn't have any so she gave me her supply to pass out.//Patty opens up her bag to reveal a huge supply of Belgian treats? Maybe we should give some to Kim?

JuJu: Who you calling dwarf, bucky? I'm almost as tall as you are and at least I've got game. I gave you my choclate for you to pass out and your bag is still full. I should have known better, Carlos warned me about you.

Ree: Hey JuJu, how come you just didn't pass it out yourself?

JuJu: I'm not friendship material and sharing would hurt my image so I figured Patty could use the PR.

PP: //Upset from the putdown// Hey Justine, how's your husband?

JuJu: Ok, I guess, by the way, PP why were those uniformed men leading Hoffman out of the stadium? Say hello to your folks for me, Ok?

The Nav: Ladies, stop with the insults, Let's think of something positive to do for Kim, she really does look sad out there all by herself. One of us should go out there and invite her inside. Who will volunteer? How bout you Justine? Justine? Damn that little scamp is fast. How bout you, Patty?

PP: I'm not going out there, I've got all this f****** choclate to pass out.

Janko: I know lets draw straws or do paper, rock, sissors?

Ame: Oh year, I remember Kim, nice butt----boring game. Look boys and girls, I'm the defending champ, I've got enough on my plate thinking about my responsibilities at Wimbledon, I haven't got time for cheerful reunions. Let Sugi go out there and invite her in. Sugi, Kim was your old dubs partner, right?

Ai: It's bad enough we get blamed for WWII, now I'm supposed to go outside and drag her butt in here just because I'm Japenese, I don't think so. She's the one who wanted to have babies and get married or does that need to be reversed? I'm reading War and Pease and I'll go speak to Kim when I'm finished.

The Nav: What page are you on?

Ai: Seven. // Let Nadia go out there, she and Kim were friendly?

The Nav: Yeah Nadia, you go out there--you and Kim were buddies. Say something nice to her, she was nice to all of you, except may the dwa---uh JuJu.

Nadia: Why me? Kim was nice to everyone. Look my doctor says I won't be able to play Wimbledon if my depression gets any worse. I can't think of anything more depressing that to waste my time talking to a former player who hangs out in front to the women's locker room. She'll just want to talk about having babies, her wedding dress, ouch my back in hurting, I just can't do it.

Big Masha: I can't believe how cowardly all of you are. I guess it's up to the Siberian Tigress to do the right thing. You guys are going to owe me big time for this. I'm only 20 but it's obvious I'm the only adult here. This is a big time gesture on my part. Your girls should be ashamed of yourselves. Kim is anxious to see you and not one of you have the huevos to go out and invite one of the greatest and certainly the nicest players to ever pick up a racket into the locker room. I'll do it, just remember that.//Big Masha gets up and goes to the entrance.

Big Masha: Hey you, chubby girl---go away. You're making everyone uncomfortable. So don't make me call security on you. Shoo---go away and don't come back.

Good one!

miffedmax
Jun 26th, 2007, 10:44 PM
THE STORY CONTINUES . . .

MN (ROLLING UP SLEEVES): Listen you big nosed breeder bee-yatch, I'm the true Wimbledon queen!

SG: Hey, at least I know what a twat is for . . .

LENA D:(interrupting) It's for something?

SG: Bring it, skank!

THEY START TO CIRCLE EACH OTHER WARILY.

MIFFED MERLIN: (to himself) Oh dear . . . I wanted to provoke a catfight, but this isn't what I had in mind . . . (to others). Please, ladies. I would hate to see to off Wimbledon's greatest icons degrade themselves in a hair-pulling, clothes-tearing catfight. So I think that Lena should represent Martina, and Markiri should . . .

ENTER HINGIS: Thanks, but there is only one worthy to represent Martina, and one Martina worthy of being represented. And that would be me!

MN: You little whippersnapper! Come here and I'll whale on you like I did your Mama!

SUDDENLY, A LOUD VOICE CUTS THROUGH THE ROOM.

ALLEZ! ALLEZ!

(Justine steps out from a small locker)

ANA: How did you escape. . .

JJ SMILES AND HOLDS UP KEYS.

JJ: Sorry, there's only room for one Serb at the top.

JUSTINE: How I escape is not important! Frankly, all of you are of less consequence to me than Pierre Yves! All that matters is that I complete the career slam!

SERENA: Whatever. On grass, I own your ass!

MASHA: Please. Off the dirt, you're just a squirt.

VEE: Ah, hell, I can't come up with anything these days.

JUSTINE: Ha! Look out ze window, fools!

THE LADIES RUN AND LOOK UP AND OUT OF A WINDOW. OVERHEAD, A FORMATION OF AIRCRAFT FLIES. AS THEY APPROACH SW19, SPRAY STARTS TO DROP FROM UNDER THEIR WINGS.

JJ: So what? It's already raining.

JUSTINE: It's not water, fool!

MASHA: "We hope it's not . . .

JUSTINE: Don't believe what Pierre Yves says! Our sex life was normal, normal, normal!

LENA D: It must be Agent Orange!

JUSTINE: How did you know?

LENA D: I read it on the bottle you're holding in your hand.

JUSTINE: Yes, whatever. But by this time tomorrow, every court at Wimbledon will be bald as MiffedMerlin!

THE GRASS COURT QUEENS ALL SCREAM AND AND WAIL AND GNASH TEETH AND REND CLOTHES. ONLY LENA REMAINS CALM, EATING THE LAST OF HER GIANT BAGEL.

LENA: "Oh my. I've finished my yummy bagel. Does anyone else have a bagel for me?

ťgalitť
Jun 26th, 2007, 11:08 PM
THE SCENE OPENS ON THE GROUNDS OF THE ALL-ENGLAND CLUB. DEW SPARKLES IN THE GRASS. MARION IS GRAZING ON CENTRE COURT. AMELIE AND SVETA ENTER.

AMELIE: Uh-oh, Sveta, I see some dark clouds in ze distance. It might rain!

SVETA: Hur hur hur! Sveta like rain. Feel good on Sveta's proboscis.

Enter Justine Henin.

JUSTINE: Bonjour, my most magnificent tennis blossoms! Love is in ze air! Not even a rain delay could dampen ze whimsical fluttering in my breast!

SVETA: Ju-Ju have only one breast? Sveta help. Sveta have spare!

AMELIE: Mon Dieu, Justine, what has come over you? Have you found another man?

JUSTINE: Oui, ma cherie Amelie! O, sweet pollen d'amour, what have I done to get zis lucky?

AMELIE: Tell me, Justine! Who is it?

JUSTINE: Well, last night, at ze players' party, as I was drinking tequila and cage-dancing for a crowd of men in leather chaps, I spotted him in ze distance- ze most beautiful man I have ever seen! His name is-

AMELIE: Wait, wasn't ze players party two nights ago?

JUSTINE: Mais non! Zere was another one last night at zis bar called "Bottoms." Andy Roddick invited moi to go with him! All ze men zere just loved me, but I only had eyes for ze one man: Anderson Cooper!

AMELIE: Oh no. Justine, I sink zat-

JUSTINE: Be still, my fair countrywoman. Ze fumes of l'amour are wafting through my nose!

AMELIE: Um, I think that's Marion taking a crap on Centre Court.

Serena Williams enters with Maria Sharapova in a headlock.

SERENA: This is what happens when you forget the exchange rate, Masha. I want your lunch money and I want it all.

MARIA: All right, all right! Just let me go!

(Serena lets her go, Masha stretches her neck.)

SERENA: Hey, what are you guys up to?

JUSTINE: O, my dearest amie Serena! I was just recounting my most splendid adventure d'amour to-

Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta hear ruffling in a bush behind them. Justine stops speaking. They turn to see Sybille Bammer poking her head out of the bush, sporting the frizzy hair and ripped garments from her "tranny" pics.

SYBILLE: She's... coming...

MARIA: What the hell are you talking about? Who's coming?

SYBILLE: She's... she's... (Sybille's eyes widen in terror and she lets out a shriek, crawling hurriedly back into her bush.)

A dark shadow envelops Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta. They turn to find Samantha Stevenson standing before them. Lightning flashes behind her.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED! THEY'RE ALL DARK-SIDED! LESBIANS! GARGOYLES! EVERYTHING IS DARK-SIDED!

MARIA: Hey, I'm not a gargoyle!

AMELIE: Zis is discrimination! What about Serena? She is not a lesbiam!

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: SHE'S DARK-SIDED TOO! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! IF YOU'RE NOT DARK-SIDED, YOU CAN STAY.

JUSTINE: O, Anderson! Where are you when I need you?! Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi!

The scene shifts abruptly to LoveFifteen's bedroom. LoveFifteen is giving Anderson a blowjob while Anderson tells him about this guy with herpes he met at a gay bar last night. LoveFifteen tells him to invite the guy over. Shift back to the All-England Club.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: I PLANTED THE SEED AND I WILL SEE THE HARVEST! BEGONE, DARK-SIDED HEATHENS!

MARION: Wait... planted the seed? Food? Harvest? WHERE? (Charges.)

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED!! SHE'S NOT A HETEROSEXUAAAAAAAAAA- (Marion tramples Samantha in search of the "harvest," knocking her unconscious.)

MARIA: Whew! I'm glad that's over. Hey, look! The skies are clearing up.

JUSTINE: Mon dieu! Anderson is calling me. I must say adieu! Perhaps I can finally make love face-up! (Exeunt.)

SERENA: Yeah, I better get going, too. And you better get my money. (Clenches fists.)

MARIA: Ack! Daddypova, help! (Runs away.)



FIN

dybbuk
Jun 26th, 2007, 11:39 PM
THE SCENE OPENS ON THE GROUNDS OF THE ALL-ENGLAND CLUB. DEW SPARKLES IN THE GRASS. MARION IS GRAZING ON CENTRE COURT. AMELIE AND SVETA ENTER.

AMELIE: Uh-oh, Sveta, I see some dark clouds in ze distance. It might rain!

SVETA: Hur hur hur! Sveta like rain. Feel good on Sveta's proboscis.

Enter Justine Henin.

JUSTINE: Bonjour, my most magnificent tennis blossoms! Love is in ze air! Not even a rain delay could dampen ze whimsical fluttering in my breast!

SVETA: Ju-Ju have only one breast? Sveta help. Sveta have spare!

AMELIE: Mon Dieu, Justine, what has come over you? Have you found another man?

JUSTINE: Oui, ma cherie Amelie! O, sweet pollen d'amour, what have I done to get zis lucky?

AMELIE: Tell me, Justine! Who is it?

JUSTINE: Well, last night, at ze players' party, as I was drinking tequila and cage-dancing for a crowd of men in leather chaps, I spotted him in ze distance- ze most beautiful man I have ever seen! His name is-

AMELIE: Wait, wasn't ze players party two nights ago?

JUSTINE: Mais non! Zere was another one last night at zis bar called "Bottoms." Andy Roddick invited moi to go with him! All ze men zere just loved me, but I only had eyes for ze one man: Anderson Cooper!

AMELIE: Oh no. Justine, I sink zat-

JUSTINE: Be still, my fair countrywoman. Ze fumes of l'amour are wafting through my nose!

AMELIE: Um, I think that's Marion taking a crap on Centre Court.

Serena Williams enters with Maria Sharapova in a headlock.

SERENA: This is what happens when you forget the exchange rate, Masha. I want your lunch money and I want it all.

MARIA: All right, all right! Just let me go!

(Serena lets her go, Masha stretches her neck.)

SERENA: Hey, what are you guys up to?

JUSTINE: O, my dearest amie Serena! I was just recounting my most splendid adventure d'amour to-

Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta hear ruffling in a bush behind them. Justine stops speaking. They turn to see Sybille Bammer poking her head out of the bush, sporting the frizzy hair and ripped garments from her "tranny" pics.

SYBILLE: She's... coming...

MARIA: What the hell are you talking about? Who's coming?

SYBILLE: She's... she's... (Sybille's eyes widen in terror and she lets out a shriek, crawling hurriedly back into her bush.)

A dark shadow envelops Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta. They turn to find Samantha Stevenson standing before them. Lightning flashes behind her.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED! THEY'RE ALL DARK-SIDED! LESBIANS! GARGOYLES! EVERYTHING IS DARK-SIDED!

MARIA: Hey, I'm not a gargoyle!

AMELIE: Zis is discrimination! What about Serena? She is not a lesbiam!

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: SHE'S DARK-SIDED TOO! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! IF YOU'RE NOT DARK-SIDED, YOU CAN STAY.

JUSTINE: O, Anderson! Where are you when I need you?! Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi!

The scene shifts abruptly to LoveFifteen's bedroom. LoveFifteen is giving Anderson a blowjob while Anderson tells him about this guy with herpes he met at a gay bar last night. LoveFifteen tells him to invite the guy over. Shift back to the All-England Club.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: I PLANTED THE SEED AND I WILL SEE THE HARVEST! BEGONE, DARK-SIDED HEATHENS!

MARION: Wait... planted the seed? Food? Harvest? WHERE? (Charges.)

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED!! SHE'S NOT A HETEROSEXUAAAAAAAAAA- (Marion tramples Samantha in search of the "harvest," knocking her unconscious.)

MARIA: Whew! I'm glad that's over. Hey, look! The skies are clearing up.

JUSTINE: Mon dieu! Anderson is calling me. I must say adieu! Perhaps I can finally make love face-up! (Exeunt.)

SERENA: Yeah, I better get going, too. And you better get my money. (Clenches fists.)

MARIA: Ack! Daddypova, help! (Runs away.)



FIN

:spit: :rolls:

friendsita
Jun 26th, 2007, 11:44 PM
THE SCENE OPENS ON THE GROUNDS OF THE ALL-ENGLAND CLUB. DEW SPARKLES IN THE GRASS. MARION IS GRAZING ON CENTRE COURT. AMELIE AND SVETA ENTER.

AMELIE: Uh-oh, Sveta, I see some dark clouds in ze distance. It might rain!

SVETA: Hur hur hur! Sveta like rain. Feel good on Sveta's proboscis.

Enter Justine Henin.

JUSTINE: Bonjour, my most magnificent tennis blossoms! Love is in ze air! Not even a rain delay could dampen ze whimsical fluttering in my breast!

SVETA: Ju-Ju have only one breast? Sveta help. Sveta have spare!

AMELIE: Mon Dieu, Justine, what has come over you? Have you found another man?

JUSTINE: Oui, ma cherie Amelie! O, sweet pollen d'amour, what have I done to get zis lucky?

AMELIE: Tell me, Justine! Who is it?

JUSTINE: Well, last night, at ze players' party, as I was drinking tequila and cage-dancing for a crowd of men in leather chaps, I spotted him in ze distance- ze most beautiful man I have ever seen! His name is-

AMELIE: Wait, wasn't ze players party two nights ago?

JUSTINE: Mais non! Zere was another one last night at zis bar called "Bottoms." Andy Roddick invited moi to go with him! All ze men zere just loved me, but I only had eyes for ze one man: Anderson Cooper!

AMELIE: Oh no. Justine, I sink zat-

JUSTINE: Be still, my fair countrywoman. Ze fumes of l'amour are wafting through my nose!

AMELIE: Um, I think that's Marion taking a crap on Centre Court.

Serena Williams enters with Maria Sharapova in a headlock.

SERENA: This is what happens when you forget the exchange rate, Masha. I want your lunch money and I want it all.

MARIA: All right, all right! Just let me go!

(Serena lets her go, Masha stretches her neck.)

SERENA: Hey, what are you guys up to?

JUSTINE: O, my dearest amie Serena! I was just recounting my most splendid adventure d'amour to-

Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta hear ruffling in a bush behind them. Justine stops speaking. They turn to see Sybille Bammer poking her head out of the bush, sporting the frizzy hair and ripped garments from her "tranny" pics.

SYBILLE: She's... coming...

MARIA: What the hell are you talking about? Who's coming?

SYBILLE: She's... she's... (Sybille's eyes widen in terror and she lets out a shriek, crawling hurriedly back into her bush.)

A dark shadow envelops Amelie, Maria, Serena, Justine, and Sveta. They turn to find Samantha Stevenson standing before them. Lightning flashes behind her.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED! THEY'RE ALL DARK-SIDED! LESBIANS! GARGOYLES! EVERYTHING IS DARK-SIDED!

MARIA: Hey, I'm not a gargoyle!

AMELIE: Zis is discrimination! What about Serena? She is not a lesbiam!

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: SHE'S DARK-SIDED TOO! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! IF YOU'RE NOT DARK-SIDED, YOU CAN STAY.

JUSTINE: O, Anderson! Where are you when I need you?! Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi!

The scene shifts abruptly to LoveFifteen's bedroom. LoveFifteen is giving Anderson a blowjob while Anderson tells him about this guy with herpes he met at a gay bar last night. LoveFifteen tells him to invite the guy over. Shift back to the All-England Club.

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: I PLANTED THE SEED AND I WILL SEE THE HARVEST! BEGONE, DARK-SIDED HEATHENS!

MARION: Wait... planted the seed? Food? Harvest? WHERE? (Charges.)

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED!! SHE'S NOT A HETEROSEXUAAAAAAAAAA- (Marion tramples Samantha in search of the "harvest," knocking her unconscious.)

MARIA: Whew! I'm glad that's over. Hey, look! The skies are clearing up.

JUSTINE: Mon dieu! Anderson is calling me. I must say adieu! Perhaps I can finally make love face-up! (Exeunt.)

SERENA: Yeah, I better get going, too. And you better get my money. (Clenches fists.)

MARIA: Ack! Daddypova, help! (Runs away.)



FIN

:worship: Tooo Good :worship:

sharapovarulz1
Jun 26th, 2007, 11:49 PM
These storys are just hilarious nice one guys! :haha: :haha:

Conor
Jun 27th, 2007, 12:03 AM
MARION: Wait... planted the seed? Food? Harvest? WHERE? (Charges.)

SAMANTHA STEVENSON: DARK-SIDED!! SHE'S NOT A HETEROSEXUAAAAAAAAAA- (Marion tramples Samantha in search of the "harvest," knocking her unconscious.)

:haha::haha::haha::haha: the funniest thing ive ever read on here.... brilliant!:worship: :worship: :worship: :lol: :lol: :lol:

hdfb
Jun 27th, 2007, 05:22 AM
:haha: Anderson's MINE!!

Jessie181
Jun 27th, 2007, 06:56 AM
these are awesome! I especially love the Samantha Stevenson part! :D

drake3781
Jun 27th, 2007, 07:23 AM
A FEW PLAYERS LURKING AROUND THE LOCKERROOM

ANNA CHAKVETADZE:
Have no complexes
Vis-a-vis Sharapova
Can I defeat her?

JELENA JANKOVIC:
Hamstring, knee, shoulder
Have ointment in my locker
Hundred and fourth match

MARTINA HINGIS:
Nothing too precious
About young Ivanovic
Must tap her powers

VENUS WILLIAMS:
With my gold racket
Gesticulate second serve
To the left I go

MARIA SHARAPOVA:
Squawking from beyond
Insufferable daddy
A lid on it, put

AI SUGIYAMA:
It no longer works
Anyone up for doubles?
Sorry, Daniela

JUSTINE HENIN:
Match at three o'clock
Jorgelina Cra-who-ro?
Dinner, half past four

ANA IVANOVIC:
That old bag Hingis
Maybe if I smile at her
She won't stare at me

OLGA POUTCHKOVA:
No really, I'm good
No bagel girl like Whitehead
Deserving of seed

QUASI-RETIREES SECTION OF THE LOCKERROOM

ANNA KOURNIKOVA:
Career once travelled
I could've been just like them
There's still Enrique

MONICA SELES:
Everyone grunts now
I shoulda got a patent!
Just one more "Wha-EH!"

ANASTASIA MYSKINA:
Not me, I don't swear
I'm much too much a lady
Fuckin' right I am!

JENNIFER CAPRIATI:
Look there's Serena
Reminding me of those days
"Gosh dang" these doctors


I'm VERY impressed. :worship:

I especially love Maria Sharapova's. :D

friendsita
Jun 27th, 2007, 07:31 AM
Plz more!

Suresh
Jun 27th, 2007, 10:04 AM
Reading inspirational notes at changeover has lately become a fade. Serena's note prompted her to Australian Open victory. Justine read a letter just before serving for the French Open title and it worked perfectly. Today Tennis Channel has an exclusive inside the locker room special to find out what the players are writing and reading for their upcoming matches.

Serena, Justine, and Anna-Lena Groenefeld are sitting, each quietly reading a piece of paper.

Camera close-up to Serena's note:

Dear Serena,

Yes I am talking to you. That's myself.

(This is confusing.)

Serena, I love you. I mean, I love myself.

The only person who can beat you, I mean beat me, is yourself, I mean myself.

So, don't beat me.

If you don't beat me, I mean if I don't beat myself, then you always win.

So I always win. Is that clear?

Talk to you at the next change up.

Camera switches to Justine's note that she is reading that was written by someone else:

Dear Justine,

Good luck. Hope you win it all. And remember to wire 50% of your prize money to my bank account as usual. That's called "alimony" in English as I just learned LOL. My flamboyant lifestyle needs some support LOL.

Truly your ex,
Pierre-Yves

Finally, camera turned to Anna-Lena Groenefeld's note, written by herself:

My name is Anna-Lena

I am a big gorilla

Pay no attention to skinny monkey Font de Mora

I fear him not

'Cause I am a big gorilla

And he is skinnier than Daniela



:worship: Brilliant :worship:

Bruno71
Jun 28th, 2007, 09:14 AM
WIMBLEDON LOCKERROOM, Wednesday June 27, 2007

Kimmie Clijsters is nailing in the last piece of plywood for her WTA advice stand, wearing tape around her wrist just to be sure. The players enter.

EVERYONE (in unison, rather muted): Hi Kimmie.

KIMMIE: Hi everyone (giggles)! Long time no see! How're you all doing?

EVERYONE (in unison, still rather muted): Fine.

KIMMIE: So given that I retired a few months earlier than expected, I was able to get my wedding plans in order sooner than I thought. So I figured in my spare time I might help you luscious dolls out with some advice! Who wants to go first?

RODIONOVA (approaching, a line forms behind her): I do!

KIMMIE: Great, doll! Ask away!

RODIONOVA: Dear Kimmie,

I just can't seem to get through a big match without having to call the trainer. Am I cursed?

Signed, Cool Shades in Tambov.

KIMMIE: Dear Ice Bitch From Tambov,

Geez Louise babe, in my experience, the only way to deal with injuries is to play play play! Start doing some of them there splits, throw in some cartwheels...aerobicize! Oh, and thank the heavens you lost those shades, toots, you must be absolutely blind out there the way you play! Next!

Rodionova walks away, a look of sheer disgust and condescension on her face. Marion Bartoli approaches.

MARION: Dear Keemee,

Sahm people call me zee fat. I don't theenk eet's very sympatheteeque of zem. What can I do?

Signed, A Peeg On Zee Dirt Eez Wayrth Two Cows Een Zee Gress

KIMMIE: Dear Vache,

Honeybunch, you just tell them you're not fat, you're big -boned! When I was with Lleyton, he always used to make fun of my weight. Well I kicked that right bastard to the curb, I did! But you might also wanna avoid all those late night Royales Avec Frommage. I'll get you some low-cal recipes, jellyroll. Next!

Marion retreats, desperately trying to hold back tears. A slight murmur arises from the queue. Ai Sugiyama approaches the stand.

AI: Dear Kimmie,

Before I could tell Dani I was dropping her as my doubles partner, my mom let the cat out of the bag. How can I avoid this in the future?

Signed, Guilty in Tokyo

KIMMIE: Dear Tourmonger,

Parents can be loudmouths, can't they sweetums? My pappy Leo once talked some humungous doodoo about Justine. Now, while it was all true--she used those evil roids and developed the chronic creeping crud as a result--I really didn't want him to do that. After that, I gave him a stern what-for-all and dressed him down something fierce! I tamed Leo the Lion, you can do the same with Mama Sugiyama, honey-san! Next!

Ai glares at Kimmie for a moment, and walks away. Jelena Jankovic approaches.

JELENA: Dear Kimmie,

You're my idol!!!! (giggles) I'm trying to emulate your career at every juncture! (giggles) Your 2003 season has been the model for my 2007! (giggles) I just wanted you to know how much I love you! (giggles) Anyhoo (giggles), my question is...my serve lacks punch, what can I do?! (giggles)

Signed, Serb's Disturb! Giggles!

KIMMIE: Dear Tran-of-Iron,

Aw shucks golly gee-whillikers, that's nice. (giggles) But, you ain't gonna get nowhere with a weak serve, hon!...

ELENA (from the back of the line): Yip!

Elena faints.

KIMMIE (peering over Jelena's shoulder): Someone needs a medic. (giggles) Anyhoo...work on that serve, candydoll! It'll pay dividends in the future. (giggles) Oh, here's some ointment for ya kiddo, you'll need it. (giggles) Next!

Jelena walks away, applying the unguent all over, and giggling uncontrollably. Sybille Bammer approaches.

SYBILLE: Dear Kimmie,

It's so tough being a full-time tour player and raising a kid. Any advice?

Signed, Austrian Tarts Are Scrumptious

KIMMIE: Dear Viennese Cheesecake,

See here, tootsie-pop. Knock it off with the revoltingly bad taste glamor shots! Do you really want your kid to see those one day and wonder what ne'er-do-well brothel you crawled out of? When I have my first little bundle of Flemish-American joy, he or she'll never see me looking like some higgledy-piggledy biker with a surreptitious hankering for wifey's make-up kit.

At the other side of the room, Jelena checks her make-up worriedly.

OK last one! I've got personalized doilies to sew for my wedding guests! Luckily I won't be needing a list of your names. (giggles)

Sybille sighs and goes. Justine Henin approaches.

JUSTINE: Dear Ann Flanders,

Wahntz upon zee time, zayr wahz zees rival of mine, and she was very very ennuyeux. She seemed to be very nice girl on zee outside, but really she wahz a veeshuhs snake. Heeyuh we had a very nesty girl. She queet zee game early and now all she does ees bahzayr zee ahzayr players. How do we tell hayr we only faked zee liking hayr?

Signed, Antwerp Twerp And I'm Herp'ed

KIMMIE: Dear Walloony-Toon,

Doll, hon, lambchop, face-only-a-mom-could-love, the truth shall set you free. Tell this rival how everybody feels. It's the only way to go. Why, one time, Elke had this snotnosed acquaintance...

JUSTINE (loudly interrupting): Eez YOU, Keemee...

KIMMIE (with a look of utter shock and almost in tears): M-m-m-me? Th-that's not true, is it girls?

The girls in the queue all look at each other, then nod affirmatively in perfect unison. Kim wobbles towards the door, but before she can reach it, joins Elena in her fainting spell.

LCS
Jun 30th, 2007, 10:21 AM
Nice stories....:D

Hashim.
Jun 30th, 2007, 10:39 AM
:clap2:

Pamela Shriver
Jun 30th, 2007, 10:40 AM
Who told you guys what happens in the locker room!? Shit, I'd better warn Martina we have a spy in our midst...

Rachel_
Jul 1st, 2007, 07:26 PM
WIMBLEDON LOCKERROOM, Wednesday June 27, 2007

Kimmie Clijsters is nailing in the last piece of plywood for her WTA advice stand, wearing tape around her wrist just to be sure. The players enter.

EVERYONE (in unison, rather muted): Hi Kimmie.

KIMMIE: Hi everyone (giggles)! Long time no see! How're you all doing?

EVERYONE (in unison, still rather muted): Fine.

KIMMIE: So given that I retired a few months earlier than expected, I was able to get my wedding plans in order sooner than I thought. So I figured in my spare time I might help you luscious dolls out with some advice! Who wants to go first?

RODIONOVA (approaching, a line forms behind her): I do!

KIMMIE: Great, doll! Ask away!

RODIONOVA: Dear Kimmie,

I just can't seem to get through a big match without having to call the trainer. Am I cursed?

Signed, Cool Shades in Tambov.

KIMMIE: Dear Ice Bitch From Tambov,

Geez Louise babe, in my experience, the only way to deal with injuries is to play play play! Start doing some of them there splits, throw in some cartwheels...aerobicize! Oh, and thank the heavens you lost those shades, toots, you must be absolutely blind out there the way you play! Next!

Rodionova walks away, a look of sheer disgust and condescension on her face. Marion Bartoli approaches.

MARION: Dear Keemee,

Sahm people call me zee fat. I don't theenk eet's very sympatheteeque of zem. What can I do?

Signed, A Peeg On Zee Dirt Eez Wayrth Two Cows Een Zee Gress

KIMMIE: Dear Vache,

Honeybunch, you just tell them you're not fat, you're big -boned! When I was with Lleyton, he always used to make fun of my weight. Well I kicked that right bastard to the curb, I did! But you might also wanna avoid all those late night Royales Avec Frommage. I'll get you some low-cal recipes, jellyroll. Next!

Marion retreats, desperately trying to hold back tears. A slight murmur arises from the queue. Ai Sugiyama approaches the stand.

AI: Dear Kimmie,

Before I could tell Dani I was dropping her as my doubles partner, my mom let the cat out of the bag. How can I avoid this in the future?

Signed, Guilty in Tokyo

KIMMIE: Dear Tourmonger,

Parents can be loudmouths, can't they sweetums? My pappy Leo once talked some humungous doodoo about Justine. Now, while it was all true--she used those evil roids and developed the chronic creeping crud as a result--I really didn't want him to do that. After that, I gave him a stern what-for-all and dressed him down something fierce! I tamed Leo the Lion, you can do the same with Mama Sugiyama, honey-san! Next!

Ai glares at Kimmie for a moment, and walks away. Jelena Jankovic approaches.

JELENA: Dear Kimmie,

You're my idol!!!! (giggles) I'm trying to emulate your career at every juncture! (giggles) Your 2003 season has been the model for my 2007! (giggles) I just wanted you to know how much I love you! (giggles) Anyhoo (giggles), my question is...my serve lacks punch, what can I do?! (giggles)

Signed, Serb's Disturb! Giggles!

KIMMIE: Dear Tran-of-Iron,

Aw shucks golly gee-whillikers, that's nice. (giggles) But, you ain't gonna get nowhere with a weak serve, hon!...

ELENA (from the back of the line): Yip!

Elena faints.

KIMMIE (peering over Jelena's shoulder): Someone needs a medic. (giggles) Anyhoo...work on that serve, candydoll! It'll pay dividends in the future. (giggles) Oh, here's some ointment for ya kiddo, you'll need it. (giggles) Next!

Jelena walks away, applying the unguent all over, and giggling uncontrollably. Sybille Bammer approaches.

SYBILLE: Dear Kimmie,

It's so tough being a full-time tour player and raising a kid. Any advice?

Signed, Austrian Tarts Are Scrumptious

KIMMIE: Dear Viennese Cheesecake,

See here, tootsie-pop. Knock it off with the revoltingly bad taste glamor shots! Do you really want your kid to see those one day and wonder what ne'er-do-well brothel you crawled out of? When I have my first little bundle of Flemish-American joy, he or she'll never see me looking like some higgledy-piggledy biker with a surreptitious hankering for wifey's make-up kit.

At the other side of the room, Jelena checks her make-up worriedly.

OK last one! I've got personalized doilies to sew for my wedding guests! Luckily I won't be needing a list of your names. (giggles)

Sybille sighs and goes. Justine Henin approaches.

JUSTINE: Dear Ann Flanders,

Wahntz upon zee time, zayr wahz zees rival of mine, and she was very very ennuyeux. She seemed to be very nice girl on zee outside, but really she wahz a veeshuhs snake. Heeyuh we had a very nesty girl. She queet zee game early and now all she does ees bahzayr zee ahzayr players. How do we tell hayr we only faked zee liking hayr?

Signed, Antwerp Twerp And I'm Herp'ed

KIMMIE: Dear Walloony-Toon,

Doll, hon, lambchop, face-only-a-mom-could-love, the truth shall set you free. Tell this rival how everybody feels. It's the only way to go. Why, one time, Elke had this snotnosed acquaintance...

JUSTINE (loudly interrupting): Eez YOU, Keemee...

KIMMIE (with a look of utter shock and almost in tears): M-m-m-me? Th-that's not true, is it girls?

The girls in the queue all look at each other, then nod affirmatively in perfect unison. Kim wobbles towards the door, but before she can reach it, joins Elena in her fainting spell.


:lol: :lol: excellent

darrinbaker00
Jul 5th, 2007, 02:12 AM
WTA Trainers' Room, Wednesday evening.....

Venus Williams: "How you doin', sis?"

Serena Williams (wearing a "JUSTINE'S B****" T-shirt): "Not too bad, actually. Think the press bought that '40 percent' nonsense?"

Venus: "Don't they always?"

Serena: "Yes, they do. Sorry about pulling out of the doubles."

Venus: "It's OK. The important thing is for you to be ready for Fed Cup and Stanford. Especially Stanford."

Serena: "How come?"

Venus: "Because your #1 Hater is going to be there, that's why."

Serena: "Yeah, that's right. Miss Serena can't wait to shut him up right in front of his face."

Venus: "That's the spirit. I have an appointment, sis, so I'll see you later. Love you!" :hug:

Serena: "Love you more!" :kiss:

Sixty seconds after Venus makes her exit, another player enters.....

Maria Sharapova (wearing a "PROPERTY OF THE WILLIAMS SISTERS" T-shirt): "OWWWW....."

Serena: "Nice shirt, Queen Masha. What's wrong?"

Maria: "Queen Masha's royal booty is still sore from Miss Serena's sister kicking it all over Centre Court, that's what's wrong. What did Queen Masha ever do to her?"

Serena: "It's not Queen Masha, it's Queen Masha's ranking. If Queen Masha were ranked somewhere below 50, Venus would have lost her concentration after the first set, and Queen Masha would have beaten her in three."

Maria: "The way Queen Masha has been serving lately, she may be down there by this time next year. Queen Masha still can't understand how Dementieva can serve like that and still win."

Serena: "Dementieva is.....special."

Maria :lol: "Miss Serena got that right!"

Just then, a sinister-looking man enters the room.....

Serena :eek: "What are YOU doing here?"

Nike CEO Phil Knight (with Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" playing in the background): "You two have disrespected the Swoosh. No one disrespects the Swoosh like that and lives."

Maria :eek: "You mean.....?"

Knight: "Yes, I mean." :armed:

BLAM! BLAM!

To be continued.....unfortunately. Meanwhile, what about Venus' appointment?

Venus: "Well, you did it. You fixed my raggedy-a** serve overnight. It was well worth the price I paid. Thank you."

:devil: : "My pleasure, Venus. Now just sign on the dotted line, and I'll see you in about 60 years."

Onyxangel
Jul 5th, 2007, 02:27 AM
WTA Trainers' Room, Wednesday evening.....

Venus Williams: "How you doin', sis?"

Serena Williams (wearing a "JUSTINE'S B****" T-shirt): "Not too bad, actually. Think the press bought that '40 percent' nonsense?"

Venus: "Don't they always?"

Serena: "Yes, they do. Sorry about pulling out of the doubles."

Venus: "It's OK. The important thing is for you to be ready for Fed Cup and Stanford. Especially Stanford."

Serena: "How come?"

Venus: "Because your #1 Hater is going to be there, that's why."

Serena: "Yeah, that's right. Miss Serena can't wait to shut him up right in front of his face."

Venus: "That's the spirit. I have an appointment, sis, so I'll see you later. Love you!" :hug:

Serena: "Love you more!" :kiss:

Sixty seconds after Venus makes her exit, another player enters.....

Maria Sharapova (wearing a "PROPERTY OF THE WILLIAMS SISTERS" T-shirt): "OWWWW....."

Serena: "Nice shirt, Queen Masha. What's wrong?"

Maria: "Queen Masha's royal booty is still sore from Miss Serena's sister kicking it all over Centre Court, that's what's wrong. What did Queen Masha ever do to her?"

Serena: "It's not Queen Masha, it's Queen Masha's ranking. If Queen Masha were ranked somewhere below 50, Venus would have lost her concentration after the first set, and Queen Masha would have beaten her in three."

Maria: "The way Queen Masha has been serving lately, she may be down there by this time next year. Queen Masha still can't understand how Dementieva can serve like that and still win."

Serena: "Dementieva is.....special."

Maria :lol: "Miss Serena got that right!"

Just then, a sinister-looking man enters the room.....

Serena :eek: "What are YOU doing here?"

Nike CEO Phil Knight (with Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" playing in the background): "You two have disrespected the Swoosh. No one disrespects the Swoosh like that and lives."

Maria :eek: "You mean.....?"

Knight: "Yes, I mean." :armed:

BLAM! BLAM!

To be continued.....unfortunately. Meanwhile, what about Venus' appointment?

Venus: "Well, you did it. You fixed my raggedy-a** serve overnight. It was well worth the price I paid. Thank you."

:devil: : "My pleasure, Venus. Now just sign on the dotted line, and I'll see you in about 60 years."



That fucking rocked!:lol: :lol:

Utautai
Jul 5th, 2007, 03:05 AM
:haha: :spit:

mandy7
Jul 5th, 2007, 07:33 AM
No one disrespects the Swoosh like that and lives
:haha: