PDA

View Full Version : Wimby Confrontation


miffedmax
Jun 23rd, 2006, 08:22 PM
Am I just early? Did somebody else start one I missed? Well, here's my initial effort. I'm so depressed about the US soccer team it may not be very funny. But it was theraputic.

KUZZY IS SITTING ON A BENCH, RUBBING HER NECK. ENTER MYSKINA.

KUZZY:
“Hi.”

NASTY:
“Hi. Congrats on your French Open final. Of course, only ONE of us could be the first Russian to win a title there, and the first grand slam ever, and . . .

KUZZY:
“Whatever. Listen, no disrespect, but I still don’t know how you beat me last match. I just felt so tired and listless during the whole match. . ."

NASTY:
“What a mystery. No idea what could have caused that. Hey, are there any donuts?”

ENTER MOMMY VERA AND SESIL.

MOMMY VERA:
“If you are good girl and eat your brussel sprouts, someday you will win on grass. Unlike certain other blonde.”

SESIL:
“Yes, Mommy Vera.”

ENTER LENA D. AND ORACENE. LENA D. CARRIES ALL OF ORACENE’S LUGGAGE AND A MAN DRESSED IN AN ANGOLAN SOCCER KIT.

NASTY (TO KUZZY)

"You want to tell her or shall I?"

KUZZY:
"Be my guest."

NASTY: "Lena, for the last time, your doubles partner is Flavia, not Flavio. "

LENA D. RELEASES FLAVIO AND TURNS TO ORACENE.

LENA D:
“Oh, Mommy Oracene, I’m so excited to be here! (see “Last Flight from Paris” for why Lena is no convinced Oracene is her mother).

MOMMY VERA:
"I can’t believe you let useless girl follow you around. You should get rid of her."

ORACENE:
"Maybe I can afford to be nice, since TWO of my GIRLS have won Grand Slams."

LENA D:
Soon it will be three!

ORACENE:
Of course it will, baby. But here’s what I like. Baby, how you feel?

MOMMY VERA:
:mad: :mad: :mad:

LENA D:
"Why Mommy Oracene, you know I am healthy as horse!"

ENTER HINGIS:

"With a face to match!"

ORACENE:

"Now, what’s in those bags?"

LENA D:
"Nice designer things I like to buy for my real mommy!"

ORACENE:
"You design ‘em yourself?"

LENA D:
"Oh, Mommy Oracene! Again with the funny joking! You know I am tennis player, not clothes designer. "

ORACENE:
"Really, Vera, I don’t see the downside. She's a sweet girl. So damn naive I have to laugh, but sweet."

MOMMY VERA:
Has she started bugging you about where baby’s come from?”

THEY ARE INTERRUPTED AS THE MASHA’S ENTER.

QUEEN MASHA:
We are here to reclaim our crown. You may applaud us.

MK APPLAUDS WILDLY; THE OTHERS ARE SILENT.

SUDDENLY, LANDON DONOVAN AND DEMARCUS BEASLEY ENTER.

HINGIS:
Hey, you can’t come in here! You’re men!

DONOVAN (TO BEASLEY)
Guess she didn’t see any of those games in Germany!

BEASLEY:
Hey, it okay. We’re here for the doubles competition.

MASHA K:
But you are football players!

BEASLEY (TO DONOVAN)
Guess she didn’t see any of those games in Germany either!

(TO BE CONTINUED, I’M AFRAID)

Kar16d
Jun 23rd, 2006, 08:30 PM
funny

darrinbaker00
Jun 23rd, 2006, 09:39 PM
SUDDENLY, LANDON DONOVAN AND DEMARCUS BEASLEY ENTER.

HINGIS:
Hey, you can’t come in here! You’re men!

DONOVAN (TO BEASLEY)
Guess she didn’t see any of those games in Germany!

BEASLEY:
Hey, it okay. We’re here for the doubles competition.

MASHA K:
But you are football players!

BEASLEY (TO DONOVAN)
Guess she didn’t see any of those games in Germany either!

(TO BE CONTINUED, I’M AFRAID)
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha:

Max, you're even funnier when you're mad. ;)

forever_rafter
Jun 25th, 2006, 01:24 PM
QUEEN MASHA:
We are here to reclaim our crown. You may applaud us.


:lol: :lol: I love it :lol: :lol:

vogus
Jun 25th, 2006, 03:18 PM
LENA D:
"Oh, Mommy Oracene! Again with the funny joking! You know I am tennis player, not clothes designer. "




:haha: :haha:

silverwhite
Jun 25th, 2006, 07:29 PM
:rolls:

myxomatosis
Jun 25th, 2006, 08:01 PM
Whee! :lol:
Can't wait for more!

IceHock
Jun 25th, 2006, 08:11 PM
(Amelie and Sveta in a store)

Amelie:boy do i have cramps

Sveta:well,lets go see what they got

Amelie:these ones look really good,hey is that mommy Vera?

Sveta:sure looks like her
(enter mommy vera)

Mommy Vera:well hello there girls,what are you up to?

sveta and Amelieoh nothin much just lookin around,you?

Mommy Vera:well,i'm looking for one of those pregnancy tests,but i can't find them anywhere,my new daughter has been acting up lately

Amelie:oh!!they are in the aisle over to your right

Sveta:and how would you know that Amelie??

Amelie:you see Sveta.....I

Sveta:you BITCH,it's over

Amelie:honey,please!!!!

mommy Vera:well uh bye girls off to get some ster....i mean that preganacy test

END

IceHock
Jun 25th, 2006, 08:12 PM
it's not that good but best i could do

bis2806
Jun 25th, 2006, 09:00 PM
Vera Z: (Enters locker room) :sad: I can't play Kim in the first round!
JHH: It'zee okay. You can use moi tactiz and pretend to cry before she serves. You know for sure that will work.
Vera Z: But.. but... that is cheating!
JHH: You better zee listen to my command or elze you will not succeed like moi.
Vera Z: :crying2: :crying2: :crying2:

Enter Kim Clijsters
Kim: Hi Justine! (Looks aside) :eek: Vera! What happened to you? Are you okay? Umm, umm, do you need some hot tea? I bought some Russian tea last night and you know, it tasted, like, you know very nice and sweet. Please don't cry Vera. Here, let me give you a towel.
Vera Z: Nyet! You have ruined my chances of winning another title. :crying2:
Kim: Oh... Oh? Is that so? Ummm, you know, I guess I am sorry. I can make it up to you, you know...

Amelie (peers from the corner, unnoticed): Oui!!! :devil: I can definitely be of some help Kim.
Kim: Oh, it's okay. You know, it's my fault and I have to fix her problem. I guess you can help JHH.
Amelie: Sacre Bleu! Non non non! Justine is married to Pierre-Yves who was spotted wearing a hideous blouse on the final of RG. Very fazionable.
JHH: As you know that we have zee power and increasing intensity within ourselves. Everything must be intense. That is how I was taught to grow up. I think Pierre is adopting my intense attitude which is very good for sure. Intense fashion is definitely interesting, we don't know when the fashion is going to fade so we have to be intense.

Kim (comforts Vera Z): Awww Vera, it's okay. It's not like I'm going to you know, give you bagels or breadsticks. I mean, if you'd like some now, you can. I will go run to Krispy Kremes and I buy, you know, as many as you want. But please, stop crying, you know. It makes me sad too. (Kim starts to cry)

Enter Svetlana Kuznetsova

Sveta: (Lets out a loud grunt, winks at Amelie) You know I had very good chances at the French against Justine, but after Vaidisova ate me out (as a promise if she lost to me) I could not run at all. I keep hittting errors forehand here, there. I was just not running, not going for my shots. That is not the way I play you know.
JHH: Allez, but for sure you cannot make excuses. You should have retired just like zee match I played against Amelie. No mas.
Sveta: You know, I tried that against Francesca and she acted like she had conquered the world. I can only imagine you will act worse after your retirement of the match against Amelie.

Amelie: Oui oui! (Amelie grins at Sveta)
Sveta: Okay, I am going to shower now. I feel so hot you know.
Amelie: Allez! Me too :) I have been in the corner all day and I need to take a quick shower too.

Sveta enters the shower while Amelie runs towards her

Suddenly Maria Sharapova enters

Maria: Come on! Vamos! (fist pumps) Guess what, girls? I just practiced with my hitting partner and everytime he committed an error, it made me so terribly happy. I think you know my chances at Wimbledon are great.
JHH: But I thought you were zee injured one?
Maria: Well, that was a conspiracy theory set up against everyone - yes everyone. That is the only way I can show the world my expectations far exceed others. After all, I am only NINETEEN!!!

Kim: Aww, but I am still very young and I have, you know, accomplished and won more titles than you. I mean, you can't blame everything towards injuries, you know. Every girl in the tour has to deal with it, like Vera Z, you know, she has a mental injury now.
Maria: Alas, that is the only way I can get more sponsorship and money. I cannot drop below 20 million dollars of endorsements each year or else they are going to think I am a no-brainer.

JHH: Allez! allez! For sure, you are just a poser. I have beaten you the last three times we played. Allez!
Maria: Everyone has, you know, their good days and their bad days. Unfortunately, Justine, that day was not mine.

Alexander Stevenson jumps out of a locker

Alex: Obviously that's because you didn't won. By the way, I won more matches than you have at Wimbledon since I started from qualifying becoming the first ever female player to achieve that feat to the semis. Stop making excuses like that day isn't your day. You act like you have conquered the world when your practice partner has made an error! You know, I am going to (Alex smacks Maria's pussy while grunting).... Okay so is today your day?????? Tell me! Tell me! Go away! Boo! shooo!

Maria runs and reports to Motorola of the incident

JHH: Alex, excuze me, but you cannot be here. You have lost to zee qualifier.
Alex: Oh shut up bitch, don't try pulling off more excuses.
JHH: (rolls her eyes) and says, "No mas!" Zee heartless bitch has now gone. She will never win another match against me, I promise for sure.

Kim: But Justine, that is very evil, you know. Poor Maria. Alex why did you like smack her pussy? I mean, you could have you know, smacked her boobs - Not that she has any anyway :lol: (Kim realizes she is not being nice) Oh my god?! What have I said.... ohh noo... (Kim starts crying together with Vera Z, only harder than her this time)
JHH: I cannot take this anymore. I need to go to zee practice courts. This has been zee most distressing moment of Wimbledon so far. I have had lots of hard emotions throughout my entire life and I don't need another one.

Alex: You bitches, my US open title is just 3 qualifying matches and 7 MD matches away!

vejh
Jun 25th, 2006, 09:54 PM
Not so funny. Nasty for sure.

Justine Fan
Jun 25th, 2006, 10:16 PM
Bis2806

Biggest load of crap I've seen in a long time! Don't give up your day job! Stick to slagging off players instead of trying to keep up with the great one's who do a good job writing the confrontation posts.

MiffedMax

Good one! You are one of the best :worship: ... even if you are upset that USA are out of the World Cup.

Thauron
Jun 26th, 2006, 01:35 PM
@ Justine Fan: this thread is supposed to be just fun, you know, not another one to start petty fights in. They are enough other threads for that.

And I am sure all those who took the time to write something, whether we like them or not, deserve some respect for the time they devoted to their attempt to humour us.

Is it just me, or are we starting a bit slowly this tournament - just like the tournament itself :rain: :fiery:

Keep 'em coming, lads.

Babolatpro880
Jun 26th, 2006, 01:46 PM
I thought bis was funny :scared:

forever_rafter
Jun 26th, 2006, 01:51 PM
Vera Z: (Enters locker room) :sad: I can't play Kim in the first round!
JHH: It'zee okay. You can use moi tactiz and pretend to cry before she serves. You know for sure that will work.
Vera Z: But.. but... that is cheating!
JHH: You better zee listen to my command or elze you will not succeed like moi.
Vera Z: :crying2: :crying2: :crying2:

Enter Kim Clijsters
Kim: Hi Justine! (Looks aside) :eek: Vera! What happened to you? Are you okay? Umm, umm, do you need some hot tea? I bought some Russian tea last night and you know, it tasted, like, you know very nice and sweet. Please don't cry Vera. Here, let me give you a towel.
Vera Z: Nyet! You have ruined my chances of winning another title. :crying2:
Kim: Oh... Oh? Is that so? Ummm, you know, I guess I am sorry. I can make it up to you, you know...

Amelie (peers from the corner, unnoticed): Oui!!! :devil: I can definitely be of some help Kim.
Kim: Oh, it's okay. You know, it's my fault and I have to fix her problem. I guess you can help JHH.
Amelie: Sacre Bleu! Non non non! Justine is married to Pierre-Yves who was spotted wearing a hideous blouse on the final of RG. Very fazionable.
JHH: As you know that we have zee power and increasing intensity within ourselves. Everything must be intense. That is how I was taught to grow up. I think Pierre is adopting my intense attitude which is very good for sure. Intense fashion is definitely interesting, we don't know when the fashion is going to fade so we have to be intense.

Kim (comforts Vera Z): Awww Vera, it's okay. It's not like I'm going to you know, give you bagels or breadsticks. I mean, if you'd like some now, you can. I will go run to Krispy Kremes and I buy, you know, as many as you want. But please, stop crying, you know. It makes me sad too. (Kim starts to cry)

Enter Svetlana Kuznetsova

Sveta: (Lets out a loud grunt, winks at Amelie) You know I had very good chances at the French against Justine, but after Vaidisova ate me out (as a promise if she lost to me) I could not run at all. I keep hittting errors forehand here, there. I was just not running, not going for my shots. That is not the way I play you know.
JHH: Allez, but for sure you cannot make excuses. You should have retired just like zee match I played against Amelie. No mas.
Sveta: You know, I tried that against Francesca and she acted like she had conquered the world. I can only imagine you will act worse after your retirement of the match against Amelie.

Amelie: Oui oui! (Amelie grins at Sveta)
Sveta: Okay, I am going to shower now. I feel so hot you know.
Amelie: Allez! Me too :) I have been in the corner all day and I need to take a quick shower too.

Sveta enters the shower while Amelie runs towards her

Suddenly Maria Sharapova enters

Maria: Come on! Vamos! (fist pumps) Guess what, girls? I just practiced with my hitting partner and everytime he committed an error, it made me so terribly happy. I think you know my chances at Wimbledon are great.
JHH: But I thought you were zee injured one?
Maria: Well, that was a conspiracy theory set up against everyone - yes everyone. That is the only way I can show the world my expectations far exceed others. After all, I am only NINETEEN!!!

Kim: Aww, but I am still very young and I have, you know, accomplished and won more titles than you. I mean, you can't blame everything towards injuries, you know. Every girl in the tour has to deal with it, like Vera Z, you know, she has a mental injury now.
Maria: Alas, that is the only way I can get more sponsorship and money. I cannot drop below 20 million dollars of endorsements each year or else they are going to think I am a no-brainer.

JHH: Allez! allez! For sure, you are just a poser. I have beaten you the last three times we played. Allez!
Maria: Everyone has, you know, their good days and their bad days. Unfortunately, Justine, that day was not mine.

Alexander Stevenson jumps out of a locker

Alex: Obviously that's because you didn't won. By the way, I won more matches than you have at Wimbledon since I started from qualifying becoming the first ever female player to achieve that feat to the semis. Stop making excuses like that day isn't your day. You act like you have conquered the world when your practice partner has made an error! You know, I am going to (Alex smacks Maria's pussy while grunting).... Okay so is today your day?????? Tell me! Tell me! Go away! Boo! shooo!

Maria runs and reports to Motorola of the incident

JHH: Alex, excuze me, but you cannot be here. You have lost to zee qualifier.
Alex: Oh shut up bitch, don't try pulling off more excuses.
JHH: (rolls her eyes) and says, "No mas!" Zee heartless bitch has now gone. She will never win another match against me, I promise for sure.

Kim: But Justine, that is very evil, you know. Poor Maria. Alex why did you like smack her pussy? I mean, you could have you know, smacked her boobs - Not that she has any anyway :lol: (Kim realizes she is not being nice) Oh my god?! What have I said.... ohh noo... (Kim starts crying together with Vera Z, only harder than her this time)
JHH: I cannot take this anymore. I need to go to zee practice courts. This has been zee most distressing moment of Wimbledon so far. I have had lots of hard emotions throughout my entire life and I don't need another one.

Alex: You bitches, my US open title is just 3 qualifying matches and 7 MD matches away!

fuck me :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

bis2806
Jun 26th, 2006, 06:26 PM
No, thanks. Just kidding :p

darrinbaker00
Jun 26th, 2006, 08:37 PM
Idle chatter on a rainy Monday...

Venus Williams: "Boy, am I glad that perv Richard Branson isn't allowed in our locker room. Every time we posed for pictures the other night, he put his hand on my butt. EWWW!"

Tatiana Golovin: "Actually, I rather enjoyed that. Not too many men grab my butt."

Venus :lol: "That's because you have no butt to grab, Tatiana."

Tatiana: :mad:

The door opens...

Sesil Karatantcheva (in a deep, husky, Bea Arthur-type voice): "Hello, b****es! Enjoy life on the tour while you can, because come January 2008, I'll be back, and my return shall be THUNDEROUS!"

Tatiana :eek: "How tall ARE you now, Sesil? Six-three? Six-four?"

Sesil (stroking her goatee): "So I had a teenage growth spurt. So what?"

Venus: "Sesil, are you still--"

Sesil: "Pregnant? Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. You got a problem with that, little woman?" (flexes her 18-inch right bicep)

Venus :scared: "Nope. No problem here."

Sesil: "I didn't think so. See you in '08, b****es!"

Nicole Vaidisova (wearing a "VENUS AND AMELIE'S PIMP" T-shirt): "I thought there were no men allowed in here."

Tatiana: "That wasn't a man. That was Karatantcheva, and she's still...pregnant."

Venus :rolleyes: "Cute T-shirt, kid, but in case you hadn't noticed, though, this ain't Paris. This is MY house!"

Nicole: "And since you're now my ho, that makes it MY house now, and if I catch you wearing MY Reebok stuff again, I'll make your a** eat two bagels next time! Got that, skank?"

Tatiana: :bolt:

Venus: "Ho? Skank? You really want to die today, don't you?"

Nicole: "Bring it, old lady. I'm not afraid of you."

Venus: "You asked for it..."

SMACK!

SMACK!

Venus: "Dang, girl! When I smack somebody, they usually go down and stay down. Not only did you stay up, you gave it back! Much love, Nicole."

Nicole: "Same here, Venus."

:hug:

bis2806
Jun 26th, 2006, 08:49 PM
I'd love more JHH stuff :)

SelesFan70
Jun 26th, 2006, 09:37 PM
Patty enters the locker room:

Patty: "Martina? Are you in here?"

(silence)

Wimbledon official: "Martina is the in the Champions lounge."

Patty: :rolleyes: "Over-rated Champions lounge!"

Justine: "I vill be in ze same lounge next year, oui?"

Kim: :yawn: "Eh, you can have my spot if I win, Justine. I'm retiring anyways!"

Justine: "Okay, il est un deal!"

Suddenly, a crowd of paparazzi can be heard outside.

Photographer: "Serena! Over here!"
Reporter # 15: "Serena! Is it true about Cincinnati?"
Reporter # 356: "Serena! Why are you hanging out with Carl Lewis?"
Reporter # 118: "Serena! Why do you hang out with emaciated Eurocentric girls?!?!?"

Amelie: "Mon dieu! What is all that commotion?"

Kim: :yawn: "It's just Serena."

Amelie: "Kim, you seem really non-chalant lately"

Kim: "No, I just want to be a Jersey girl!" :bounce:

Patty: "Why is she here? She's injured!"

Justine: "I am so for sure she is here to cheer on the Venus"

Maria: :rolleyes: "Or to give her coaching from the player's box!"

Justine: "You are one to talk, Maria" :tape:

Maria: "I never hear what my father says. I do my own thing on the court, but I will hand it to you, Justine, you do a good job of playing off Carlos' coaching signals to you!"

Dementieva: "Same here! Oh, wait! Mommy Oracene wouldn't coach me anyways!"

Kirilenko: "Bitch, Oracene is NOT your mother!"

Dementieva: "Oh, yeah?!" she says as she pushes Maria.2

Maria: "Hey, that's my friend!" :mad:

Serena enters...breathless...and slams the door.

Serena: "God! It's a mob out there!"

Mara Santangelo: "Must be nice! I"m the number 32 seed and no one knows me. And the worst part is I'm playing some medicore American named Amy Frazier in the 1st round! Court 13 for me for sure!"

Serena: "Uhm, yeah, okay"

Serena (to Maria.1): "Shouldn't you be in the Champions Lounge?"

Maria.1: "Yes, but I want to hang out with my friend Maria.2" :D

Serena: "How quaint!"

Patty to Serena: "So, what's it like up in the Champions Lounge?" :confused:

Serena: "Honey, if you have to ask..."

Patty: "Don't get all smart assy on me! i was just asking!"

Serena: "Tell ya what! I'll take you up there!"

Patty: :banana:

Amelie: "Ew! Ew! Take me! Take me!"

Serena: "Sorry, Amelie! I can only take one person at a time. Next time for you!"

Amelie: :banana:

Serena and Patty head up to the Champions Lounge....

Venus, Chris Evert, Martina Hingis, Ginny Wade, Novotna are all there.

Venus: "Hey, Serena! I got your voicemail about Paris Hilton wanting tickets in our box. I have them here!"

Serena text messages Paris....meanwhile....Patty feels a tap on her shoulder.

Patty : :speakles:

Serena: "Patty, are you okay?"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Lord, Patty! Get over it already!"

Patty: :speakles:

Chris Evert: "Patty, Conchita just wants to shake your hand!"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Patty, just shake her hand! Do it for Switzerland!"

Patty: :unsure:

Serena: "Yay! Paris is coming to the match tomorrow, Venus!"

Venus: :yippee: "I hope she brings me a copy of that hot CD!"

Patty: :speakles:

miffedmax
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:09 PM
Oh, I've gotta get going on the pay thing soon, but for now the story resumes. . .

ENTER JHH. SHE IS WEARING A CAPE, A DEERSTALKER HAT AND HAS A PIPE CLENCHED IN HER TEETH. PIERRE YVES WALKS BEHIND HER, CARRYING A MEDICAL BAG

JHH:
‘ere we are, ze ladies locker room!

PY:
What an amazing deduction! How do you do it?

JHH:
You just have to know the signs! Now, I will need from each of you ze blood . . .

ALL TURN AND LOOK AT NASTYA.

MASHA K:
Oh, Nastya, how could you?

NASTYA:
What? What? I didn’t do anything.

JHH:
Non, non. I need ze blood for ze testing. I am now in charge of fighting le blood doping.

SESIL:
Really? How nice. Did I mention I have to make a thunderous return to my hotel . . .

LENA D.
Mommy Vera . . . I mean Mommy Oracene would never let me do something like that!

JHH:
Now, Pierre Yves will just draw a little blood from everyone . . .

NASTYA:
What a senseless waste . . .

LENA D.
What?

NASTYA:
I didn’t say anything.

ENTER VENUS.

Hey, Mom. Hey, uh, sis. Mom, do I have to call her that?

ORACENE:
Just think of it as 'sister' in the general fellow underpaid woman athlete sense, honey.

LENA D:
Hello, loving sister!

MASHA:
Oh, it’s you. Pretender.

VENUS:
One slam wonder.

MASHA:
And yet we still have more endorsements.

LENA D.
Hey, you can’t talk to my sister like that!

VENUS:
God, I miss ‘Ree sometimes.

MASHA:
Oooh. This is all giving us a royal headache.

HINGIS:
Ha! Now that Switzerland has been eliminated from the World Cup, I am my country’s best hope for a championship!

KUZZY:
What about Roger?

HINGIS:
Roger who?

LENA D.
I love to relax by playing football. But I am not very good.

BEASLEY AND DONOVAN:
That’s okay. We aren’t either.

JHH:
Please! Please! Will you all let Pierre Yves stick you with his little pricker . . .

MOMMY VERA COVERS SESILS EARS. ALL THE OTHERS LAUGH EXCEPT LENA D, WHO, SEEING WHAT MOMMY VERA HAS DONE, RUNS OVER AND PLACES ORACENE’S HANDS OVER HER OWN EARS.

Justine Fan
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:19 PM
Oh, I've gotta get going on the pay thing soon, but for now the story resumes. . .

ENTER JHH. SHE IS WEARING A CAPE, A DEERSTALKER HAT AND HAS A PIPE CLENCHED IN HER TEETH. PIERRE YVES WALKS BEHIND HER, CARRYING A MEDICAL BAG

JHH:
‘ere we are, ze ladies locker room!

PY:
What an amazing deduction! How do you do it?

JHH:
You just have to know the signs! Now, I will need from each of you ze blood . . .

ALL TURN AND LOOK AT NASTYA.

MASHA K:
Oh, Nastya, how could you?

NASTYA:
What? What? I didn’t do anything.

JHH:
Non, non. I need ze blood for ze testing. I am now in charge of fighting le blood doping.

SESIL:
Really? How nice. Did I mention I have to make a thunderous return to my hotel . . .

LENA D.
Mommy Vera . . . I mean Mommy Oracene would never let me do something like that!

JHH:
Now, Pierre Yves will just draw a little blood from everyone . . .

NASTYA:
What a senseless waste . . .

LENA D.
What?

NASTYA:
I didn’t say anything.

ENTER VENUS.

Hey, Mom. Hey, uh, sis. Mom, do I have to call her that?

ORACENE:
Just think of it as 'sister' in the general fellow underpaid woman athlete sense, honey.

LENA D:
Hello, loving sister!

MASHA:
Oh, it’s you. Pretender.

VENUS:
One slam wonder.

MASHA:
And yet we still have more endorsements.

LENA D.
Hey, you can’t talk to my sister like that!

VENUS:
God, I miss ‘Ree sometimes.

MASHA:
Oooh. This is all giving us a royal headache.

HINGIS:
Ha! Now that Switzerland has been eliminated from the World Cup, I am my country’s best hope for a championship!

KUZZY:
What about Roger?

HINGIS:
Roger who?

LENA D.
I love to relax by playing football. But I am not very good.

BEASLEY AND DONOVAN:
That’s okay. We aren’t either.

JHH:
Please! Please! Will you all let Pierre Yves stick you with his little pricker . . .

MOMMY VERA COVERS SESILS EARS. ALL THE OTHERS LAUGH EXCEPT LENA D, WHO, SEEING WHAT MOMMY VERA HAS DONE, RUNS OVER AND PLACES ORACENE’S HANDS OVER HER OWN EARS.

:haha: :haha: Excellent :yeah:

Keep 'em coming please! :D

Justine Fan
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:20 PM
Patty enters the locker room:

Patty: "Martina? Are you in here?"

(silence)

Wimbledon official: "Martina is the in the Champions lounge."

Patty: :rolleyes: "Over-rated Champions lounge!"

Justine: "I vill be in ze same lounge next year, oui?"

Kim: :yawn: "Eh, you can have my spot if I win, Justine. I'm retiring anyways!"

Justine: "Okay, il est un deal!"

Suddenly, a crowd of paparazzi can be heard outside.

Photographer: "Serena! Over here!"
Reporter # 15: "Serena! Is it true about Cincinnati?"
Reporter # 356: "Serena! Why are you hanging out with Carl Lewis?"
Reporter # 118: "Serena! Why do you hang out with emaciated Eurocentric girls?!?!?"

Amelie: "Mon dieu! What is all that commotion?"

Kim: :yawn: "It's just Serena."

Amelie: "Kim, you seem really non-chalant lately"

Kim: "No, I just want to be a Jersey girl!" :bounce:

Patty: "Why is she here? She's injured!"

Justine: "I am so for sure she is here to cheer on the Venus"

Maria: :rolleyes: "Or to give her coaching from the player's box!"

Justine: "You are one to talk, Maria" :tape:

Maria: "I never hear what my father says. I do my own thing on the court, but I will hand it to you, Justine, you do a good job of playing off Carlos' coaching signals to you!"

Dementieva: "Same here! Oh, wait! Mommy Oracene wouldn't coach me anyways!"

Kirilenko: "Bitch, Oracene is NOT your mother!"

Dementieva: "Oh, yeah?!" she says as she pushes Maria.2

Maria: "Hey, that's my friend!" :mad:

Serena enters...breathless...and slams the door.

Serena: "God! It's a mob out there!"

Mara Santangelo: "Must be nice! I"m the number 32 seed and no one knows me. And the worst part is I'm playing some medicore American named Amy Frazier in the 1st round! Court 13 for me for sure!"

Serena: "Uhm, yeah, okay"

Serena (to Maria.1): "Shouldn't you be in the Champions Lounge?"

Maria.1: "Yes, but I want to hang out with my friend Maria.2" :D

Serena: "How quaint!"

Patty to Serena: "So, what's it like up in the Champions Lounge?" :confused:

Serena: "Honey, if you have to ask..."

Patty: "Don't get all smart assy on me! i was just asking!"

Serena: "Tell ya what! I'll take you up there!"

Patty: :banana:

Amelie: "Ew! Ew! Take me! Take me!"

Serena: "Sorry, Amelie! I can only take one person at a time. Next time for you!"

Amelie: :banana:

Serena and Patty head up to the Champions Lounge....

Venus, Chris Evert, Martina Hingis, Ginny Wade, Novotna are all there.

Venus: "Hey, Serena! I got your voicemail about Paris Hilton wanting tickets in our box. I have them here!"

Serena text messages Paris....meanwhile....Patty feels a tap on her shoulder.

Patty : :speakles:

Serena: "Patty, are you okay?"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Lord, Patty! Get over it already!"

Patty: :speakles:

Chris Evert: "Patty, Conchita just wants to shake your hand!"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Patty, just shake her hand! Do it for Switzerland!"

Patty: :unsure:

Serena: "Yay! Paris is coming to the match tomorrow, Venus!"

Venus: :yippee: "I hope she brings me a copy of that hot CD!"

Patty: :speakles:

ROFLMAO!!!!!! Very, very funny! :yeah:

Excellent!

Justine Fan
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:21 PM
Excellent darrinbaker ! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!

:yeah:

pierce0415
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:26 PM
Patty enters the locker room:

Patty: "Martina? Are you in here?"

(silence)

Wimbledon official: "Martina is the in the Champions lounge."

Patty: :rolleyes: "Over-rated Champions lounge!"

Justine: "I vill be in ze same lounge next year, oui?"

Kim: :yawn: "Eh, you can have my spot if I win, Justine. I'm retiring anyways!"

Justine: "Okay, il est un deal!"

Suddenly, a crowd of paparazzi can be heard outside.

Photographer: "Serena! Over here!"
Reporter # 15: "Serena! Is it true about Cincinnati?"
Reporter # 356: "Serena! Why are you hanging out with Carl Lewis?"
Reporter # 118: "Serena! Why do you hang out with emaciated Eurocentric girls?!?!?"

Amelie: "Mon dieu! What is all that commotion?"

Kim: :yawn: "It's just Serena."

Amelie: "Kim, you seem really non-chalant lately"

Kim: "No, I just want to be a Jersey girl!" :bounce:

Patty: "Why is she here? She's injured!"

Justine: "I am so for sure she is here to cheer on the Venus"

Maria: :rolleyes: "Or to give her coaching from the player's box!"

Justine: "You are one to talk, Maria" :tape:

Maria: "I never hear what my father says. I do my own thing on the court, but I will hand it to you, Justine, you do a good job of playing off Carlos' coaching signals to you!"

Dementieva: "Same here! Oh, wait! Mommy Oracene wouldn't coach me anyways!"

Kirilenko: "Bitch, Oracene is NOT your mother!"

Dementieva: "Oh, yeah?!" she says as she pushes Maria.2

Maria: "Hey, that's my friend!" :mad:

Serena enters...breathless...and slams the door.

Serena: "God! It's a mob out there!"

Mara Santangelo: "Must be nice! I"m the number 32 seed and no one knows me. And the worst part is I'm playing some medicore American named Amy Frazier in the 1st round! Court 13 for me for sure!"

Serena: "Uhm, yeah, okay"

Serena (to Maria.1): "Shouldn't you be in the Champions Lounge?"

Maria.1: "Yes, but I want to hang out with my friend Maria.2" :D

Serena: "How quaint!"

Patty to Serena: "So, what's it like up in the Champions Lounge?" :confused:

Serena: "Honey, if you have to ask..."

Patty: "Don't get all smart assy on me! i was just asking!"

Serena: "Tell ya what! I'll take you up there!"

Patty: :banana:

Amelie: "Ew! Ew! Take me! Take me!"

Serena: "Sorry, Amelie! I can only take one person at a time. Next time for you!"

Amelie: :banana:

Serena and Patty head up to the Champions Lounge....

Venus, Chris Evert, Martina Hingis, Ginny Wade, Novotna are all there.

Venus: "Hey, Serena! I got your voicemail about Paris Hilton wanting tickets in our box. I have them here!"

Serena text messages Paris....meanwhile....Patty feels a tap on her shoulder.

Patty : :speakles:

Serena: "Patty, are you okay?"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Lord, Patty! Get over it already!"

Patty: :speakles:

Chris Evert: "Patty, Conchita just wants to shake your hand!"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Patty, just shake her hand! Do it for Switzerland!"

Patty: :unsure:

Serena: "Yay! Paris is coming to the match tomorrow, Venus!"

Venus: :yippee: "I hope she brings me a copy of that hot CD!"

Patty: :speakles:

I LOVE THE PART WHEN CONCHI confronts PATTY :lol: :worship:

bis2806
Jun 26th, 2006, 10:37 PM
I like yours Selesfan! :)

miffedmax
Jun 28th, 2006, 07:19 PM
I used to be able to one pagers. I don't know what happened. Here's more of my drivel, carefully composed on my way to work this a.m.

KUZZY:
Well, I sure as hell ain’t letting any damn Belgian get near me to do a test!

ORACENE:
And neither is this poor orphan Russian child.

LENA D: (still with Oracene’s hands over her ears).
“What? What did you say Mommy Oracene?”

JHH:
I’ll give you a Rolex . . .

ENTER KIM WITH A TIN OF CHOCOLATES

KIM:
See? I am so sweet they named a candy after me!

LENA D:
Hope that’s not a batch from the day I was at the factory. I had an icky cold and . . . well, some of those fillings might be a really nasty surprise.

KIM:
Please, I really don’t want to hear about it.

ENTER AMELIE.
This is so nice. Everyone is France is watching ze World Cup! So zere is no pressure on me, and so I win my opening match with bagels.

NASTY:
Who cares about bagels? I want some fucking donuts!

VENUS:
Enough about Belgian pricks, and chocolates, and donuts! We need to talk about compensation! Cash! Dinero! Moolah!

MOMMY VERA:
Yes, I am needing another retirement dacha.

VENUS:
I’m talking about equality, ladies!

MASHA:
“Equality? We are unfamiliar with that word.”

KIM:
It means everybody deserves the same nice, fair, kind treatment, no matter who they are.

MASHA:
Surely, you are joking. We are deserving of special treatment because we are simply better than the rest of you. We will have no equality here, thank you.

VENUS:
I’m talking about the men getting paid more than us!

MASHA:
Isn’t that droll? Oh, we forgot. Some of you have only a paltry 10 or 11 endorsement deals, and must actually count on your prize money to pay for your miserable hovels and gruel, or whatever it is that peasants are eating these days.

KUZZY:
Men. Who needs them?

AMELIE:
Yeah.

VENUS:
Who’s with me! I say we strike!

NASTYA:
Please. Even Lindsay’s plots are more subtle. We go on strike. You have a cakewalk. Not even blondie over there would fall for that!

LENA D:
I wouldn’t? (THINKS VERY HARD). Yeah, I wouldn’t! Wouldn’t what? Are you making fun of my serve again?

MASHA:
Were we capable of shame, we would feel it at realizing that she is both blonde, and Russian. Like us, only not as rich.

VENUS:
Well, you can't blame a girl for trying . . .

DarkchildSwiss
Jun 28th, 2006, 08:35 PM
Patty enters the locker room:

Patty: "Martina? Are you in here?"

(silence)

Wimbledon official: "Martina is the in the Champions lounge."

Patty: :rolleyes: "Over-rated Champions lounge!"

Justine: "I vill be in ze same lounge next year, oui?"

Kim: :yawn: "Eh, you can have my spot if I win, Justine. I'm retiring anyways!"

Justine: "Okay, il est un deal!"

Suddenly, a crowd of paparazzi can be heard outside.

Photographer: "Serena! Over here!"
Reporter # 15: "Serena! Is it true about Cincinnati?"
Reporter # 356: "Serena! Why are you hanging out with Carl Lewis?"
Reporter # 118: "Serena! Why do you hang out with emaciated Eurocentric girls?!?!?"

Amelie: "Mon dieu! What is all that commotion?"

Kim: :yawn: "It's just Serena."

Amelie: "Kim, you seem really non-chalant lately"

Kim: "No, I just want to be a Jersey girl!" :bounce:

Patty: "Why is she here? She's injured!"

Justine: "I am so for sure she is here to cheer on the Venus"

Maria: :rolleyes: "Or to give her coaching from the player's box!"

Justine: "You are one to talk, Maria" :tape:

Maria: "I never hear what my father says. I do my own thing on the court, but I will hand it to you, Justine, you do a good job of playing off Carlos' coaching signals to you!"

Dementieva: "Same here! Oh, wait! Mommy Oracene wouldn't coach me anyways!"

Kirilenko: "Bitch, Oracene is NOT your mother!"

Dementieva: "Oh, yeah?!" she says as she pushes Maria.2

Maria: "Hey, that's my friend!" :mad:

Serena enters...breathless...and slams the door.

Serena: "God! It's a mob out there!"

Mara Santangelo: "Must be nice! I"m the number 32 seed and no one knows me. And the worst part is I'm playing some medicore American named Amy Frazier in the 1st round! Court 13 for me for sure!"

Serena: "Uhm, yeah, okay"

Serena (to Maria.1): "Shouldn't you be in the Champions Lounge?"

Maria.1: "Yes, but I want to hang out with my friend Maria.2" :D

Serena: "How quaint!"

Patty to Serena: "So, what's it like up in the Champions Lounge?" :confused:

Serena: "Honey, if you have to ask..."

Patty: "Don't get all smart assy on me! i was just asking!"

Serena: "Tell ya what! I'll take you up there!"

Patty: :banana:

Amelie: "Ew! Ew! Take me! Take me!"

Serena: "Sorry, Amelie! I can only take one person at a time. Next time for you!"

Amelie: :banana:

Serena and Patty head up to the Champions Lounge....

Venus, Chris Evert, Martina Hingis, Ginny Wade, Novotna are all there.

Venus: "Hey, Serena! I got your voicemail about Paris Hilton wanting tickets in our box. I have them here!"

Serena text messages Paris....meanwhile....Patty feels a tap on her shoulder.

Patty : :speakles:

Serena: "Patty, are you okay?"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Lord, Patty! Get over it already!"

Patty: :speakles:

Chris Evert: "Patty, Conchita just wants to shake your hand!"

Patty: :speakles:

Hingis: "Patty, just shake her hand! Do it for Switzerland!"

Patty: :unsure:

Serena: "Yay! Paris is coming to the match tomorrow, Venus!"

Venus: :yippee: "I hope she brings me a copy of that hot CD!"

Patty: :speakles:



great. more please.

darrinbaker00
Jul 4th, 2006, 05:40 PM
Women's locker room, Tuesday evening...

Maria Sharapova: "LACKEY!!"

Maria Kirilenko: "Yes, Your Highness?"

Sharapova: "Queen Masha heard a rumor that Venus Williams and Martina Hingis were in this tournament. Go check that out for Queen Masha right away."

Kirilenko: "Actually, Your Highness, Venus is here. She's playing mixed doubles with Bob Bryan."

Sharapova: "Doubles? Queen Masha has never heard of that. What is doubles, Lackey?"

Kirilenko: "It's two people playing against two other people."

Sharapova: "Really? Queen Masha will have to remember to watch one of these matches before she dies. Anyway, Lackey, write a 'Thank You' letter to Venus for keeping Queen Masha's throne warm."

Kirilenko: "Yes, Your Highness. Shall I forge your name as usual, Your Highness."

Sharapova: "Of course. Now be a good peon and go fetch Queen Masha whatever beverage she's endorsing these days."

Kirilenko: "Right away, Your Highness."

As Kirilenko leaves, Amelie Mauresmo enters...

Amelie: "I did it! I played, and won, five consecutive matches at a major. That Darrin Baker guy at WTAworld does not know what he is talking about."

Masha: "Everyone knows that, Mlle. Choke. By the way, good luck in our GRAND...SLAM...SEMIFINAL Thursday."

Amelie :scared: "GRAND...SLAM...SEMIFINAL? I need a glass of wine. Non, make that an entire bottle. Au revoir."

Out goes Amelie, in comes Justine...

Justine: "Oh, my ankle!"

Masha: "What's wrong, Mini-Me?"

Justine: "I just found out that after I win the title Saturday, I have to attend a party Sunday night and dance with the men's champion. My husband was teaching me how to walk and dance in heels, and I hurt my ankle. Fortunately for me, my semifinal match is against--"

As if on cue, a ray of Belgian sunshine enters the room...

Kim Clijsters :D "Hi, girls!"

Justine :rolleyes: "Her."

Masha: "You beat your opponent in straight sets again, Kimmie. That's not very nice, you know."

Justine :devil: "Oui, Kim. To make up for that, you must let me win TWO sets Thursday."

Kim :D "OK, that sounds fair. By the way, Maria, could you call my fiancee on your Motorola phone for me? For some reason, he won't answer my calls."

Justine: "Kim, how did you and Lleyton Hewitt break up?"

Kim :D: "I called him."

Justine: "Now do you understand why Brian does not answer when you call?"

Kim :confused: "No. Oh, well, I'll catch up with him later. Right now, I have to go pick up my mother. She said Mario Ancic wanted to show her something in his hotel room. I wonder what that could be?" (Kim leaves)

Justine: "You and I in the final, oui?"

Masha: "Oui."

Mother_Marjorie
Jul 4th, 2006, 07:57 PM
Scene: Wimbledon Ladies Lockeroom after the quarterfinals. Justine Henin-Hardenne, Kim Clijsters, Maria Sharapova, and Amelie Mauresmo are gathering their belongings to leave the grounds. Leo Clijsters, Carlos Rodriguez, Yuri Sharapova, and Pierre-Yves Hardenne enter.

Amelie: Good luck to everyone Thursday. We've all proven we're the best in the WTA.

Kim: Yeah, I even gave away a point today. Dad, don't you have something for Justine?

Leo: Yeah! Justine, I have this new drink I want you try during your matches.

Carlos: Not so fast, Leo.

Maria: Go ahead, Justine. Take it. You need a "Powershot"

Justine: (raises hand) Allez! Kim, your father is acting creepy again.

Kim: DAD!!! I told you not to do that!

Leo: But it has only the best herbs, vitamins and minerals. Its a peace offering.

Carlos: Yeah, is it the same peace offering you gave the Bulgarian girl at the French Open?

Amelie: Carlos, how did you find out about us???? She said she wouldn't tell anyone about the shower.

Carlos: Huh?

Maria: Would anyone like to see the pics of the guys lockeroom I took on my new Canon 4234 XS camera? They're "hot!"

Pierre-Yves: Oui! Oui!

Justine: Pierre! Knock it off!

Amelie: Justine, stop fighting nature.

Justine: Amelie, keep it out of the lockeroom.

Maria: Hey, everyone, I got a new Range Rover SUV (grunts).

Yuri: Shhhh...Maria. Amelie will take that the wrong way.

Maria: Ahhhh, Dad. Sounds like you need a "Powershot" too.

Kim: Well, don't expect an easy match tomorrow, Justine. Rest well and watch what you eat tonight. ;)

Justine: Sure Kim, thanks. Keep your legs crossed and don't "choke" on a Strawberry yourself. :rolleyes:

Maria: Did anyone smell my new perfume???? Its so "hot" in Great Britain.

Amelie: I think you smell really good, Maria. :hearts:

Carlos: Come on Justine, lets go. Pierre, grab her bags and hail a taxi.

Pierre-Yves: Yes, sir.

Yuri: Maria, Vamos!

Kim: Let's go, Dad.

Amelie: Where's everyone going?

drake3781
Jul 8th, 2006, 12:24 AM
bump so that I may read it later.

DragonFlame
Jul 8th, 2006, 01:18 AM
SO AWESOME! really, this brightened up my mood for sure! really awesome! especially the patty-conchitapart, lenaD-orecene and justine and masha finalpart. REALLY AWESOME! :lol: :D

darrinbaker00
Jul 8th, 2006, 08:27 AM
'Tis the morning of the final, and two young ladies are making some very big plans.....

Amelie Mauresmo: "Bottle of wine for post-victory celebration? Oui. Zinedine Zidane's cell phone number, so I can congratulate him on winning the World Cup? Oui. Nice pantsuit to wear to the Champions' Ball? Oui. I hope Federer will let me lead....."

Justine Henin-Hardenne: "New blouse for Pierre to wear in the Friends' Box? For sure. Condoms for Carlos to wear for our post-victory celebration? For sure. Nice pantsuit for myself to wear to the Champions' Ball. For sure. I hope Nadal will let me lead....."