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416_Man
Feb 20th, 2006, 12:27 AM
Suicide Tennis Weekly Times

She walks onto the court, fearing each step will be closer to the match. The home crowd roars with heightened intensity. He misses a forehand and suddenly, a break has spread like a virus, into a lost set. All silence, but the panting of a blood hound outside Court 14. The ball skids past, and suddenly the match is over. But for some reason, it's likely not for long.

Whether we reside in a chalet atop a Swiss Alp, in a dingy boathouse off the coast of South Africa, or in a mansion fit for a king in the north of Mexico, we have a mutual appreciation: tennis. Suicide Tennis, for that reason, is a game like no other. Each pick is important. The ranking of the player, the experience they have, is only secondary to the win. Whether you "go for the gold", or settle with a good showing, it's only success to the beholder himself. And that very risk, competition, and friendship is the very premise to which Suicide Tennis lends its name. Luck is every bit as neccessary as knowledge, yet sportsmanships is far more important than winning.

Each week, Suicide Tennis will post a press release in which it discusses the week's events, including analysis and interview clips from the winners. With a summary of great performances, highlights of impressive picks, as well as a "Hall of Shame", the articles are sure to be hit with even the illiterate players! Here will be the setting to which weekly comments, words of support, and of mere frustration will be expressed. Enjoy the stastics, enjoy the captions, but most of all, enjoy the community- because you never knew who will go next.

However, as in life, around every corner are surprises...

416_Man
Feb 20th, 2006, 12:27 AM
Week 1: The Lion, the Witch, and the Israeli

Tokyo, JPN - Each tournament can be highlited by one key match, that suddenly opens the door for a whole list of players. Here in Tokyo, it was less of a door opening, but a bang right on Maria Sharapova's foot. However, in true WTA fashion, sometimes that bang means little more than black rain clouds, that sprinkle for a few minutes and are blown away. To the dismay of amirhendel, he was fooled by the bang, as the resident wind blower, Elena Dementieva, definitely rained on his parade.

amirhendel had an explicit strategy from the get go. He knew Hingis would make the final, as he spoiled his Sharapova pick early in the week, but had he only reversed the order of Dementieva and Hingis, his point total would have increased greatly. Nonetheless, he was the star of Japan this week, coming from the brinks of mystery, to the Suicide Tennis centrefold. However, the final this week was contested by more than he would have anticipated, with a total of 16 competitors all vying for the finalist position. It was a cat fight, but Frenchman, Ceze took advantage of some loopy balls to fend off the baseline bigshots: timray, Davenselesport, and Chevina.

The week was also outlined by the fallouts of many expected to reach atleast DAY 05. For most it was headlined on DAY 03, when all hopes were riding on Ana Ivanovic, hottest player last year, who's becoming one of the clammiest of this year. Hantuchova, the anorexic or the one with the fast metabolism, crushed the hopes for others as DAY 03 was played far too aggresively for some. In particular, Randy H had no answers to his fans as he complied an outrageous winner to error ratio, and selyoink, the player with so much heart, just wasn't playing with his brain.

Suicide Tennis' baby, was born this week, and if the participation was a sign to come, then Suicide's parents will be very frisky.

The Winning Combination:
(Kirilenko, Vaidisova, Myskina, Sharapova, Dementieva, Hingis)

The Sucide Tennis Centrefold of the Week:
amirhendel - Fantastic showing, in which he sliced, lobbed, and aced his competitors, until he finally got punished for leaving one too many short balls. He has all the weapons necessary to win again, and correctly balances his aggressive and defensive play. Most obviously, the first number one in the history of the game!

The Suicide Tennis Piece of F*cking Sh*t Mother F*cker Moment of the Week:
The moment when each of the 17 "finalists" realized that there was no pick left for them in the final. Few people could have imagined Hingis demolish Sharapova, even fewer could imagine Dementieva winning the damn thing.

The Suicide Tennis Donatella Versace Strutter of the Week:
Silk - Silk's rash spread everywhere, as his uninspiring play did not mesh with his ballsy personality. His spins were all over the place, and it was Asagoe who punished him for playing too aggressive. As he proved, it's the riskiest of picks which can lead to a grandslam title... or a loss in qualifying.

The Suicide Tennis Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction of the Week:
Randy H - Randy H looked good from the beginning. He was wellrounded almost to his detriment, as he overthought his pick of Ivanovic. Just like Ana dropped out of the competition, Randy did too, and the upset was a sigh of relief for each of the other competitors. Randy's last ball was just too safe, and in Suicide Tennis, when you're too safe, something in your game is sure to pop out, thankfully not his breast.

The Suicide Tennis Donald Trump Risktaker of the Week:
Gavnich77 - While others were playing it safe with Myskina or Hingis on DAY 03, Gavnich77 went straight for an ace. Likhovtseva is more unpredictable than the bounce on a clay court, but due to his fantastic timining he moved on to DAY 04. However, sometimes playing for broke can force you to pile up too many errors, as was the case when he bowed out on DAY 04 when he went for a massive second serve on his opponent's match point.

The Suicide Tennis Guillotine:
DAY 03 - Ivanovic - Never underestimate a Russian. Too bad so many did.

416_Man
Feb 20th, 2006, 12:28 AM
Week 2: "Blame Canada!"

Paris, FRA - Some tournaments pile on the matches early in the week. For others, putting matches on DAY 01 is like giving money to the poor, you'd rather not. As was the case in Paris, where the first day was highlited by three matches. Apart from its unpredictablity, the court was especially unfriendly to those playing it safe with Vinci, or even Groenefeld. Naldo solidified himself as a source to be reckoned with as he snap, crackle, and even popped! his way to the title- the first in Suicide Tennis history!

Last week was a lesson for Naldo. He knew he had to pick aggressively for the first couple days and then play it safer as the week went on to assure himself the big points. Picking Safina DAY 01, promised that he wasn't anticipating a two-peat for Dinara, and he progressed going for the Frenchies before rounding it out with 4 top 10 picks. However, players like ~PPP~ and ZAK found themselves in tough positions, unable to choose for the final day. Each went for Schnyder over Pierce on a speedy indoor court. Yes we're still asking why too. It was like watching trying to cut a piece of string... with your hands; you know it won't happen, and just trying makes you look a little "special" (the kind of special that takes the little yellow bus to school and forces you to wear a helmet).

One word: Golovin. She was having a miserable start to the season, but the second she moved to Paris, it was like Heaven for her. Apart from guillotining much of the field for underestimating her, she pulled for her compatriots bubba08 and Ceze, who though made it deep, succumbed to the pressure of a cheering home audience. Noticeable early exits for experienced pounder Davenselesport of America, Zauber, and last week's risktaker Gavnich77 who played like a cross between Smashnova and Shaughnessy when she's losing.

With the Olympics fast approaching, Naldo served his nation proud as he stood atop the (medal) podium. His impressive balance of sheer determination, mindwork, and fitness lead him deeper than most could have anticipated. Standing beside him was Indonesian conquerer wateva, who like Naldo has a great knowledge of tennis, but unlike the Canadian didn't have enough in his tank.

Pattaya, THA - For those who were sick of the indoor season, a select group ventured to the tropics of Thailand. Treated to a beautiful resort to where the tournament is held, they had the opportunity to bask in the culture and setting. Sadly, all of this culture overwhelmed many of the player's with the winner this week, Nitsansh bowing out on DAY 03, and favourite James and Jamie Saeng-Wa a day earlier.

Nitsansh is a connoiseur of tennis, and his opting out for the lower tier was very surprising. His deep penetrating strokes did not mesh well in the slow outdoor hardcourt of Asia, though due to his Middle Eastern descent it was an opportunity to play in a "home" event. James is the king of lower tiers, possibly the queen depending on his mood. If you want to challenge the gentle giant, you better hope he's not in his beloved Tier III/IV haven. However, he was late for his DAY 02 match, similar to Jamie who underestimated the power of a qualifier. A fairly open event, with the Israeli veteran rising to the top, his cunning paused due to an inconsistent Aiko Nakamura. Still, he leaves with his first title of the year, and second for Israel.

The Winning Combinations:
(Peer, Castano, Nakamura)

The Sucide Tennis Centrefold of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Piece of F*cking Sh*t Mother F*cker Moment of the Week:

The Suicide Tennis Donatella Versace Strutter of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Donald Trump Risktaker of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Guillotine:
-

416_Man
Feb 20th, 2006, 12:28 AM
Reserved

Davenselesport
Mar 9th, 2006, 12:06 AM
I know you're a busy guy... just wondering if we'll be seeing more updates? I loved reading the first one.

416_Man
Mar 9th, 2006, 10:28 AM
I know you're a busy guy... just wondering if we'll be seeing more updates? I loved reading the first one.

Absolutely :) As soon as I have my March Break (starting tomorrow :D ) I'll have the time to add things

amirhendel
Mar 9th, 2006, 03:28 PM
I just now see it but my only word is Great!

416_Man
Mar 10th, 2006, 12:26 AM
Issue 1 Released.

SloKid
Mar 11th, 2006, 03:28 AM
You're funny...:lol:

I need to win a tourney to get a centrefold :angel: :lol:

Ceze
Mar 11th, 2006, 03:23 PM
great thread :yeah:

416_Man
Apr 5th, 2006, 12:11 AM
Week 7: When Mirza met Suicide

Miami, USA - Sometimes it's the mandatory tournaments which bring the best out of us. Yet for most, the mandatory tournaments have been a cross between a spanking by your grandmother or having the devil stick a pitchfork up your ass- neither that pleasant. Like DAY 03 masscred the field in Indian Wells, here in the east coast, Mirza shocked half the field on DAY 02. Of 32 seeds who began the tournament, 18 were eliminated minutes after their first match- but in Suicide Tennis it's all part of a tough week's work. Yet, Italian newcomer smokovec and Frenchman Bubba08 would have none of it, as they proved that only the cream rises to the top.

Like last week's victory came down to the final match, smokovec and Bubba08 were fighting until the brutal end, trading ferocious groundstrokes, big volleys, and a pile of errors. Fortunate for the field, ongoing injuries by Philip, the Suiss Miss...ter, and Doha and Antwerp winners, Lefandepatty and Sonic The Hedgehog, kept them on the sidelines. However, ranked almost 50 spaced behind fellow finalist Bubba08, smokovec had most of the odds against him. If you were to add the rankings of the finalist, semifinalist, and one (maybe 2) quarterfinalists the total would be less than his ranking during Miami. As well, when you associate Suicide tennis with Italia, smokovec isn't the first face that comes to mind. The crafty veteran, known for his clean compact picks, DoctorG had difficulty in his comeback from his own injuries, and where he faultered, smokovec began picking up momentum.

Like all the weeks past, the world #1 experienced "the curse". Ceze's consistent play suddenly evaporated before his eyes as he bought his plane ticket home to France, in preparation for the clay. Even Suicide Tennis' resident moon baller, the uber defensive Canadian Drake1980, fell short when one too many of his lobs was lost in the mad fury of his opponent's overheads, serves, and smashes. This week's world #1, Slokid will likely be a deer in headlights in Charleston, where he'll no longer have his baseline bashing game to keep him deep in the week. Our last notable was the Australian ranger, SpikeyAidanm. Very few people can threaten him when he's up at the net- so aggressive that he spends the early days choosing the upsets (like Azarenka) while the "chumps" choose some safeties. Though, his aggressive nature may take a greater pounding on clay, and worthy to note, sources say his slide is more an avanlanche, ready to fall at any moment.

For every disappointment, there were some surprises as viewers got to catch a glimpse at the lower ranked players (because all the seeds crashed and burned). Canadian Newcomers, ~CANUCK~ and ¤CharlDa¤, may have been slightly underwhelming, but each has the technique and variety to fare quite well on the green clay. However both have shown potential, ~CANUCK~ being a PAW mastermind, and ¤CharlDa¤ knowing how to get jiggy with it in bed and on the court- the sign of a true champion. Gavnich77, the gentle Brit knows tennis the way the English know strawberries and cream, very well and in their tummies. He's now become the first player to have been crowned a champion (Bangalore), reach a final (Memphis), a semifinal (Acapulco), and a quarterfinal (Miami), however England is not known for producing its clay court fighters- so don't be surprised if he does work his magic on the dirt.

With so many dead early in the week, it's a surprise that so many keep coming back for more, but like the uncle that always gets insanely drunk at family functions, sometimes once is just not enough.

The Winning Combination:
(Stosur, Krajicek, Kuznetsova, Groenefeld, Kirilenko, Petrova, Mauresmo, Golovin, Sharapova)

The Sucide Tennis Centrefold of the Week:
Slokid - Even though he's got less titles than people ranked, as much as 54 spots below him, he's the crown and jewel of Suicide Tennis. A dedicated player, nice friend, and consistent do-gooder, it's hard to say "no" the boy who hails from eastern europe. By being the King of Consistency, of Compassion, and of Kindness, as well as world #1, Slokid is this week's Centrefold (for the gay men, and the odd woman, a nude centrefold will more than suffice).

The Suicide Tennis Piece of F*cking Sh*t Mother F*cker Moment of the Week:
The moment when each of the 45 players realized that their immigration papers had been phoney and they would have to leave the country. No wait, it was because they bothered choosing Mirza, who lost to a a junior, the same junior who lost first round to a relative nobody in the Luxilon Cup. Hey it could be worse... no that's actually a lie.

The Suicide Tennis Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction of the Week:
James - James usually owns the competition by choosing the players that people have only heard of in nightmares. Last week, when people were flocking to Sam Stosur, he groped Gagliardi, instead of Lisjak, he'd go for another 50k challenger champ. He started that way this week too, but then, in a very un-James characteristic he picked Mirza... like everyone else. Instead of going with his heart, and hitting that down-the-liner, he sent a lofty one in the middle of the court, and got punished.

The Suicide Tennis Donald Trump Risktaker of the Week:
smokovec/SpikeyAidanM - Neither really epitamized what it means to strike it rich, by taking a risk. Though in their respective styles, risk and reward are key elements. smokovec risks it by going for the 32 - 16, range whereas the rest flock to the top 10. Spikey is just a character, when under pressure he'll go for an absurb pick, but to the fury of his competition... he gets it right. Great week to both competitors!

The Suicide Tennis Song of the Week:
Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson - With so many people being trampled, we might as well glorify their losses and say "they walked away". After a bad week, albeit in a mandatory tournament, be thankful that you're still... alive. If you're not alive, kill yourself or wait, you already have. C'est la vie de Suicide!

The Suicide Tennis Guillotine:
One word: Mirza (the new Suicide Tennis term, for sucking ass) - Never underestimate a junior. Or overestimate a one shot wonder- either way you're out.

¤CharlDa¤
Apr 5th, 2006, 12:35 AM
Loves it! Thanks for talking about me and my fairy godmother!

NyCPsU
Apr 5th, 2006, 01:47 AM
great job on this!!

iPatty
Apr 5th, 2006, 01:57 AM
Thanks, Jesse. :yeah:

Taz Warrior
Apr 5th, 2006, 07:44 AM
:lol:

smokovec
Apr 5th, 2006, 08:07 AM
Thank you Jesse for the article and for this game!!!

Taz Warrior
Apr 5th, 2006, 08:14 AM
I understand you're busy and this takes a lot of effort but I was wandering if you'd be doing ones for the tourneys between Paris and Miami because these are so good and I love reading them :)

Taz Warrior
Apr 5th, 2006, 08:15 AM
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to 416_Man again. :(

Davenselesport
Apr 11th, 2006, 03:01 PM
Amelia Island should be a more positive one haha... a lot of people did well last week!

416_Man
Apr 16th, 2006, 06:35 PM
Week 8: Don't Mess with the Polaks

Amelia Island, USA -
With a very forgettable mandatory tournament out of the way, the competitors had the opportunity to arrive early in Amelia Island. Here, the heat wave that annihilated so many in Miami disappeared and was replaced with some southern comfort (the hospitality, not the drink, though this can be argued for some players). However, even when you try your best there's always a little bit of trouble that finds its way in, and this week it was the beautiful Gisela Dulko. Known for her fantastic groundstrokes and her even more fantastic body, the veterans found themselves fooled. Nitsansh, DoctorG, and ~CANUCK~ all were prey to the Argentine's collapse. As well, last week's zero to hero champion, smokovec, who thrilled the Hispanic crowd in Miami, faltered. Later he reasoned the loss as fatigue from two weeks of daily, grueling matches. Aside from that, everyone advanced having mastered the touch, power, and finesse that a clay court demands.

LUXXXAS stood at the end of the week on a plank high above the rest. A consistent performer throughout the year, the resident man-whore (just look at his avatars for the proof), finally ridded his demons and made it past the second round... albeit to the final! A balance of aggression, but more importantly a defensive crew that battled against him. With nearly everyone siding with LUXXXAS on Safarova, Schnyder, Petrova, and Craybas, there was little room for anyone to defeat him due to his bye. And so, the clever Polak gave his competition the bait, and then reeled them in to victory.

The green clay was also a calling for the underperforming Americans. With 4 of the final 8 members of Team America, it will be tough to look past them with Fed Cup approaching. Newcomers, who play like veterans, MH0861 and NyCPsU, lit up the faces of the crowd, as they proved that power tennis can lead you to the world stage. selyoink, the player who always gave it his all but it was never enough, received a much deserved standing ovation when he reached the QF of a tournament for the first time in his career. However, the highlite of this week is easily Capriati_Rules. No better word can describe him than 'fighter'. Consistently forcing his opponents to hit one more shot, he will make his Top 10 debut next week when the results are published. Unfortunately, there was just not enough gas left in the tank when he met up with LUXXXAS in the final.

Swiss Miss...ter, Nicjac, tore up the courts just like another from his nation did, Patty Schnyder. Like her, he has an excellent defense game, but at the start of the week no one could stop him from going for the down-the-line, or second serve ace shot. If he can continue to surprise the competition, he will surely be seeded in time for Roland Garros. World #1, and recent absentee, SloKid and WhatTheDeuce, complete our top 8.

Newcomers were also on the charge this week attacking the seeded players at all flanks. DomenicDemaria's heavy spins, caught former world #1, Ceze off guard, and Dutch player TdF_DBLL, managed to fight past his unforced error count to silence amirhendel. Buitenzorg, the bullet from Down Under, used his 1-2 punch of serve and forehand to ascend to one of his best finishes of the season. Bubba08, continues to be the face of consistency, as the excellent volleys that took him to last week's final kept him alive on the clay. Few expected him to make it as far as he did, but the Frenchman silenced his critics, and then gave them an overhead SMASH! they'll never forget.

The morale boost of this week, provided much hope to those whose seasons so far have been lacklustre. Yet, everyone is beginning to be on the lookout for SloKid, as his treasures of strokes continue to be tucked away and used at the right time. But in the truth style of Suicide Tennis, no one can escape death...(or loss for that matter!)

The Winning Combination:
(---, Arvidsson, Ruano Pascual, Schnyder, Safarova, Petrova, Schiavone)

The Sucide Tennis Centrefold of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Piece of F*cking Sh*t Mother F*cker Moment of the Week:


The Suicide Tennis Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Donald Trump Risktaker of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Song of the Week:
-

The Suicide Tennis Guillotine:
- .

LUXXXAS
Apr 16th, 2006, 06:39 PM
OMG man you are crazy:lol:::haha: :bolt: :devil:

NyCPsU
Apr 17th, 2006, 05:01 PM
haha i was in it!! :banana: great job :D