View Full Version : Fed Cup: WTA meets WWE

Jul 6th, 2005, 03:58 PM
J.R.: "Hello folks, and welcome to the Wrestling Tennisplayers Association, coming to you live from Moscow, Russia. With me tonight is former heavyweight champion Jerry "The King" Lawler.

King: "It's just great to be here with all these great Russian wrestling fans, but of course I'll be rooting for our American girls. After all, I'm an American, and our women have better puppies as well!"

J.R. "Let's go into the ring for the announcement."

ANNCR: "Your first match is a one fall match. Making her way to the ring, the Number One player in the world, the one, the only, the incredible LINDSAY DAVENPORT!

(Linds enters ring, flexes for the crowd)

ANNCR: "And now, accompanied by her manager, Mommy Vera, the Moscow Mauler, the Queen of Pain, the Serveless Wonder, Elena "the Demented" Dementieva!

(crowd goes wild as Elena runs into the ring)

J.R. "This should be a good one, King!

King: "I wouldn't mind being in a clinch with either one of these battling beauties, J.R."

J.R.: “Dementieva throws a wild forearm and misses! Davenport closes in and applies a Reverse Bukovinan ploughbuster!”

King: “Oooh! This match may already be over!”

J.R. “Oh my! The Russian counters with a Mongolian adnoid stomp! Both women are down!”

King: “That Dementieva can stomp my adnoids any time! What a hottie!”

J.R. “Dementieva on her feet first. . . Davenport rising slowly. Look out, Lindsay! Dementieva spears her into the turnbuckles!

King: “We could see the Russian’s patented “Ponytail Pounding! Her electrifying signature move!

J.R.: “Yes, she’s whipping that head around. . . the ponytail is spinning! One, two, three shots right to Lindsay’s jaw. The big American is glassy eyed! She can’t take much more! Could this be it for the world’s number one?

King: “I don’t believe it! Davenport has caught Dementieva’s ponytail! I’ve never seen anything like it!

JR: Davenport dragging Dementieva to the center of the ring! Lena D. is begging for mercy, but I don’t think she’ll get any from the gutsy American! One! Two! Three!

King: “Just plain old bitch slaps!

JR: Dementieva is actually crying, from pain or embarrassment, I’m not sure!

King: “Ooh! Look out for Mommy Vera! What’s she doing!”

JR: “She’s thrown a tennis racket into the ring, and Dementieva’s got it! Oh, a jab to Davenports gut with the butt of the racket, and Lindsay goes down!

King: “Referee Ted Watts has got to take control of this match!

JR: “He’s moving Dementieva back and starting the ten-count for the illegal foreign object! Dementieva’s trying to stuff the racket in her skirt and pretends its not there! Lindsay shoves Watts out of the way!

King: “She want’s blood, J.R.!

JR: “Dementieva has the racket out! She swings wildly!

King: “Oh no! She hit Watts instead! He’s down! He’s hurt! He may be unconscious!

JR: “Oh my God! Somebody get some medical personnel ringside!”

King: “Meanwhile, the action is out of the ring, as Davenport is all over Mommy Vera! Mommy Vera beating a hurried retreat up the ramp! Now Dementieva’s over the ropes! Oh, Davenport coldcocks her with a chair!

JR: “The shot opened a big gash over Dementieva’s left eye! She’s whoozy! Davenport throws the Russian back in the ring! Now, off the top rope, it’s Davenport with her signature flying forehand smash!

King: “You could hear that one in the last row, JR! What a shot!

JR: “The Russian is out cold! Davenport has her wrapped up! But Ted Watts is still groggy, he’s trying to get to his feet! Davenport gets off Dementieva and pulls Watts over! She’s on top of Dementieva again, but Watts is facing the wrong way! He can’t do a count! He’s still too woozy!

King: Davenport is up again, yelling at Watts!

JR: “Look out, look out! It’s Mommy Vera jumping into the ring with one of her daughter’s trophies! Wham! Davenport crumples to the mat! Mommy Vera picks up the still unconscious Dementieva and drops her on top of Davenport! Dementieva is starting to come to!

King: “Oh no! Ted Watts is up and starting the count!

JR: “Oh my God! Dementieva is going to steal this match!

King: “There’s the three count! It’s over! It’s over! Mommy Vera is jumping around like she won the match herself!

JR: “Well, King, I think you could say that she did!”

King: “The crowd is going wild! It’s out of control!

JR: “Unbelievable. I’ve never seen anything like it!

King: "Don't go away folks, we've got "Nasty" Nastya Myskina and Venus Williams coming up!"

Jul 6th, 2005, 04:33 PM
:haha: OMG
You clearly got the skills Max :yeah:

iced gem
Jul 6th, 2005, 04:40 PM
:haha: good one Max! :yeah:
I can imagine "The Serveless Wonder" with her Ponytail Pounding! :lol:

Jul 6th, 2005, 10:17 PM
(Back stage . . . I mean in the lockerroom).

(Mashona removes her Lindsay costume. Serena sits on a couch, eating a Mickey D McRib sandwich).

Serena: Ha ha ha. I knew that disguise wouldn't even fool that Russian bitch!

Mashona: "Hey, I gave it my best shot. You saw what her crazy mother did!"

(Enter Zina with Theodore H. Long).

Zina: "You saw it, those damn Russkies only won 'cause the cheated!"

Theodore: "Whoa, whoa there player. You think Theodor Long doesn't notice these things? I've already added a stipulation, I think your going to like it . . .

(cut to the Russian dressing...I mean lockerroom where Tarpishev and Nastya (wearing a long black cape) watch on a giant monitor. Theodore turns and addresses the camera).

Theodore: "Here's the addendum to the contract--that Russian countess is not allowed to use her vampiric powers! That's right! One bite, one turning into a bat, one act of unholiness and I will have her disqualified. Now how you gonna deal with that, player?"

(Nastya reacts by kicking over stack of chairs and screaming 'Dammit Jens!')

(Cut to the ring)

ANNCR: "Now making her way to the ring, the new Queen of Wimbledon, the incomporable, the unforgettable, Venus Williams!

(Enter Venus, waving and smiling to the crowd, which boos lustily).

ANNCR: "And, accompanied by her manager Jens Gerlach, the Countess of Darkness, Anastasia "Nasty" Myskina!"

(Nastya enters with Jens on a leash. She ties him to a ring post and enters the ring).

JR: "What a clash between two great champions!

King: "Where are their puppies? Don't either one of these girls have puppies?"

JR: "Venus rocks Nastya with a forehand. . . and Nastya hits back with a backhand! They're in the center of the ring, going toe-to-toe, just pounding the living daylights out of each other!"

King: "I love it!"

JR: "Oh, Venus goes for the cheap shot!

King: "I guess she has some puppies after all."

JR: "Nastya backs off. She's turning and yelling at Jens! What is she doing? She's so busy yelling at Jens she doesn't even see Venus coming up behind her!"
Look out! Venus has a handful of Nastya's hair! Nastya turns into a rat and Venus drops her!

King: "There's Theodore Long, storming down the ramp and demanding the bell!"

JR: "Yes, it's official, Myskina has been disqualified for using her unholy powers! The U.S. is now even up, 1-1!"

King: "If Venus can just take care of Dementieva, the U.S will be in great shape to win!

Jul 8th, 2005, 04:52 PM
(Oh, I shouldn't, but I will)

JR: "I can't believe the last two matches, can you King?

King: "It's incredible! I've never seen anything like it! What's next?

JR: "Let's go ringside for the announcement!

ANNCR: "Now making her way to the ring, America's sweetheart, the one, the only, your newly crowned Wimbledon champion, Veeeeennnuuusss Williams!"

JR: "Venus Williams back from that bizarre match against Myskina.

King: "Bizarre? That doesn't begin to describe it!"

ANNCR: "Her opponent, from Moscow, Russia, being accompanied to the ring by her manager Mommy Vera, Elena Dementieva!"

(Elena makes her way into the ring, her head wrapped in a bandage).

JR: Can Dementieva come back from that grueling match against the heavily disguised Mashona Washington?

King: "She's still glassy eyed from that last match!

JR: "Venus goes in with a forehand smash, right into the bandage!

KIng: "Dementieva is stunned!

JR: "Oh my God, Venus caught her right on the stitches and has busted her wide open!"

JR: "Dementieva staggering! Venus rakes her nails across the Russian's eyes!

KIng: "Somebody stop this match before Venus kills that poor girl!"

JR: "Oh, Venus delivers a rotating spinning quarter spine buster, and Dementieva is left in a pile in the center of the ring!

King: "Venus is going to the top rope, J.R., she senses victory here!

JR: Oh my God, Mommy Vera has just knocked Venus off the top rope! Both women are down!

King: "Look out, look out! Who's that?"

JR: "I don't believe it! It's Serena, Serena coming to the aid of her sister!

King: "She's hitting Mommy Vera with a crutch! Mommy Vera's down, now.

JR: Both Venus and Dementieva are up in the ring! Dementieva's a bloody mess! She can't see! What's this? Oh! Venus comes with another forehand smash!

KIng: "She's coming to the edge of the ring!

Venus (motions to the ring curtain) "'Rena, get the table!"

JR: Oh my God no! She's going for the table!

(Serena pulls a cheap folding table out from under the ring curtain and slides it into the ring. Venus quickly unfolds the table)

JR: Referee Ted Watts can't allow this! Dementieva can't defend herself! This could break her spine, easily!

King: "Mommy Vera's trying to climb in the ring, but Serena pulls her back out!

JR: "Venus drags a helpless Dementieva to the top rope and jumps! My God! She drove Dementieva right into that table! The impact broke it in half!

King: "The Russian is out cold!

JR: Venus covers, one, two, three! It's over! The U. S. is up 2-1!

KIng: "And now the big event, Myskina vs. Washington in a Texas Death Match!

Jul 8th, 2005, 07:14 PM
"Don't hate the playah, hate the game!"

Jul 8th, 2005, 07:32 PM
LOL at the interferance from Mommy Vera and Serena