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View Full Version : how do u comfort someone who's grieving?


SJW
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:40 PM
i've been lucky when losing people close to me and i pray to God things continue to be the same for as long as possible. i moved school for my final few years and there was this girl who immediately made me feel welcome as everyone there knew everyone else and had done for years. we have a lot in common, and even found out our moms went to anti-natal group together. we're about 2 weeks apart in terms of age, and always chat and go out and about together....

i just found out her mom died yesterday and i really don't know what to do, if i should go and see her tomorrow or let her grieve in peace or if i do go and see her, what to say, how to act etc...can someone please help? :sad:

thanks in advance

SJW

*JR*
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:44 PM
How well did you know her mother?

JonBcn
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:47 PM
I'm sorry for you; I'm in the same position myself at the moment and its quite difficult. It would say just dont impose yourself on her, but let her know that you're there if she needs you. Does she have a big close family? If so, maybe its a bit early to go, but if she is alone, get round there with a "I'll not stay, but I wanted want to check tha you're alright and see if there was anything I could do...?" Maybe she wont want to see you, but she'll certainly appreciate the gesture.

Snuffkin
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:49 PM
Well, I have to start with one thing - the fact that you've posted here obviously shows you care so you're going right for a start.

With grief, it's often a very personal thing. Some people withdraw totally and refuse to have contact with others and some people need people around them. It's very personal.

I know it's probably terribly hackneyed to say it, but if it bothers you, just go and see her and tell her that you're there for her should she need. It's difficult not to act differently so part of me wants to say to you not to put pressure on yourself by restricting your behaviour. Sure, be compassionate and don't crack jokes, but don't restrict yourself to the stage that you stop being yourself.

Be there should she need and keep in contact with her and let her come round in time. I think just being there is the main thing. Even if it's only a phone call every other day or whatever (depending on how often you normally talk), just let her know you care. But I figure you're already there by asking this.

SJW
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:49 PM
How well did you know her mother?
not very but my mom did.

BritneySpearsIsHot
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:52 PM
Time/Space/Support

Been through same myself with lots of deaths and it's hardened me big time to the brink of being harsh and very cold/heartless when had i been given time/space/support i would have pulled through on the right side

Now i'm just a psycho..........apparently ;)

Just give them those 3 things and they'll pull through

SJW
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:52 PM
I'm sorry for you; I'm in the same position myself at the moment and its quite difficult. It would say just dont impose yourself on her, but let her know that you're there if she needs you. Does she have a big close family? If so, maybe its a bit early to go, but if she is alone, get round there with a "I'll not stay, but I wanted want to check tha you're alright and see if there was anything I could do...?" Maybe she wont want to see you, but she'll certainly appreciate the gesture.
well her mom and dad split up and he moved away...she has a step dad and a sister but her family (extended) isn't big...another weird connection is her Nan worked at my junior school years ago.

i'm really not good when it comes to emotion, if someone cries then i'll start very soon after, which could make her even more upset.

*JR*
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:54 PM
not very but my mom did.
Jon and Snufkin offered some wise advice, let me now add one possibility based on your answer: perhaps you and your Mum could stop by together (@ least the first time).

SJW
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:55 PM
Well, I have to start with one thing - the fact that you've posted here obviously shows you care so you're going right for a start.

With grief, it's often a very personal thing. Some people withdraw totally and refuse to have contact with others and some people need people around them. It's very personal.

I know it's probably terribly hackneyed to say it, but if it bothers you, just go and see her and tell her that you're there for her should she need. It's difficult not to act differently so part of me wants to say to you not to put pressure on yourself by restricting your behaviour. Sure, be compassionate and don't crack jokes, but don't restrict yourself to the stage that you stop being yourself.

Be there should she need and keep in contact with her and let her come round in time. I think just being there is the main thing. Even if it's only a phone call every other day or whatever (depending on how often you normally talk), just let her know you care. But I figure you're already there by asking this.yea...even though we haven't been friends THAT long, she knows me so well and i'll change around her and she'd notice it in an instant. the thing with our relationship is we joke around with each other. i'm not gonna be able to do that anymore, and she's always so lighthearted and stuff, it's gonna be like dealing with a new person. i will go and see her, i just don't want to make things worse.

JonBcn
Jun 13th, 2004, 10:57 PM
You definitely wont make things worse, as you said to Snuffkin, and if this happens:


i'm really not good when it comes to emotion, if someone cries then i'll start very soon after, which could make her even more upset.

it might be exactly what she needs. I feel like my gran saying this, but Its difficult to sit around crying on your own and have a shoulder to cry on/with might do some good. :)

good luck anyway, whatever happens...

- L i n a -
Jun 13th, 2004, 11:09 PM
Ignore her until you can use her for something worth your while.

*JR*
Jun 13th, 2004, 11:31 PM
Ignore her until you can use her for something worth your while.
Lina, this is about Sarah's friend losing her mother, comprende? :rolleyes: *wonders how many decent ppl have to follow my lead and badrep this bitch to knock some civility into her*

Kart
Jun 13th, 2004, 11:35 PM
I'm sure she'd rather know you're thinking of her than not, even if she doesn't necessarily feel it then.

It's times like these when your true friends reveal themselves.

Go and see her / call her / whatever but make some form of contact. It might be helpful for your feelings as well as hers.

DelMonte
Jun 13th, 2004, 11:44 PM
hey sarah,

sorry to hear about your friend's mom. i can only repeat what some of the people have already said. there's no right or wrong way to deal with this. let your friend's response(s) guide your behaviour. i am sure she'll let you know what she needs from her friends right now: distance or comfort and at what level. don't feel bad if she rejects your attempts to be there for her because she may want to be left alone for some time. call her or go by her house and see what you can do.

i hope your friend pulls through this.

Helen Lawson
Jun 14th, 2004, 02:37 PM
Give her a vial of yellow ones and some champagne.

~ The Leopard ~
Jun 14th, 2004, 02:46 PM
Call her straightaway and ask if she's okay...go and see her, or invite her over, stuff like that. But you're not going to have to change your personality for her forever. She wouldn't want that. Nobody would want that in a friend. Express your concern, but stay yourself. You'll know when the time is right to be able to joke again; your instincts on this will probably be pretty good.

Fantastic
Jun 14th, 2004, 04:04 PM
When you do get around to seeing your friend (and you should definitely do this ASAP), just be there for her as a rock, let her talk, offer encouraging words (never contradict her feelings becoz they are HER feelings) and always be ready to give lots of hugs. Under no circumstances pretend that nothing has happened, try to get her to talk about her mother's death as this will help the grieving process along.

When I was grieving, all I wanted was for all of the above to happen. I didn't really receive any of it, but I was okay with that because I could resolve things on my own. I have always been a very independent person. I wish I'd gotten more hugs and people had allowed me to speak more. I had a lot of people telling me what to do and none of it was encouraging or out of concern for me. That sounds selfish but you don't know what my family is like. Everything is about guilt and making excuses for past bad behaviour, something which I could never accept. My philosophy is if you do the crime, you do the time and cop it sweet. My friends also withdrew from me when all I wanted was for them to be around more. I guess they didn't feel comfortable about approaching me. What do they do when the person who usually makes them happy and cheers them up is now the one who needs it the most? People are funny like that.

griffin
Jun 14th, 2004, 05:09 PM
What Loui and Jon said. Go see her, and keep checking in. She may need someone to talk to, or to cry to, or to laugh with, or just sit with, or all of the above. Speaking from personal experience, what she probably needs most is to know that her friends are still there for her.

King Aaron
Jun 14th, 2004, 07:57 PM
I think everything has been mentioned already, just be there for her. :)

SJW
Jun 15th, 2004, 10:41 PM
thanks for all your kind words guys :kiss:

i rang her yesterday but she wasn't picking up her cell/mobile and nobody was answering her home phone (understandable) so i let them have some space

rang her just now and it was a lot easier than i thought it would be. granted, there were some silent parts in the beginning where i didn't know what to say, but conversation started flowing and it was as easy to talk to her as was before :) however i did put my foot in it a couple of times :(

she's busy for the next 2 days but we're gonna meet up on friday and go shop for Father's Day presents together.

thanks again

SJW