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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 21st, 2008, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

DATELINE JAN 21 2008, AO:

OH WHOA, my dear friends

I hope you have all had a great Christmas & New Year, didn't eat too many chocolate eclairs (like I did), watched Wizard Of Oz (like I did)or make mad passionate love to your partner (like I didn't). Well, when you're in Florida & my partner is in Scotland, it is a bit difficult.

Sadly Jamie & I couldn't spend Christmas together, but I attended the Sport of the Year award with him, & it was an honour to be there. But I was very nervous opening the envelope, you know? When I read out the winner, nobody understood what I had said. Then I realised the name of the winner was upside down. Once we sat down, we had a great laugh, s******ing at how Britain thinks it's a sporting nation. But no dancing after. Jamie is quite a dangerous opponent you know! . Meaning he can't dance a step, hahaha. This other person tried to muscle in, Matt I think his name was. Fancied himself as some sort of dancer, but he wasn't dancing after I dug my high heels in his ankle , I think he's broken it! Went off muttering how dare I do that to a champion dancer! Never heard of him though.

Well now I'm in Australia of course, in Melbourne. As usual, all sorts of crazy things have happened to me. I don't know why! First a taxi driver tried to take me to Melbourne swimming pool - don't know who he thought I was, then he took me to Albert Park instead of the tennis. I mean, didn't he know who I was? I'm a famous tennis player & comedian star. I told him: "don't sit there to sit there, take me to the tennis. Thankfully I got there just in time. Then I had to run through a crowd in my wet, see-through dress to get an ice bath after my latest tough match. The driver didn't turn up. Then I spotted the driver across the street. It was JAMIE!!! I think he did that deliberately!! There was certainly a bigger crowd coming back than there was going there for some reason! I'm sure you know I got fined $2,000 for my mom coaching me when all she said was C'MON!!! The fact that she ALSO said put more slice on your backhand & concentrate on serving to her backhand had nothing to do with it, I don't think. I play Serena next. She is funny, gracious, generous, nice, happy, great tennis player but - WOAH - I don't want to shower her with compliments! I want to give myself a chance NOT to get bagled, you know?

Well, I had better be off to bed...big day tomorrow...I've got another radio ad to do with Jamie, & I have to get my lines right...OA Radio...OA Radio...

Bye bye for now! JJ

BADASS BINE

Ich liebe dich nicht, du liebst mich nicht it's a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 21st, 2008, 08:07 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

Chuckle...
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 21st, 2008, 10:27 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

I see your better Richard. Very good.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 06:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

DATELINE JAN 22 2008, AO:

Well, my friends, I'm sure you are as surprised as I am that I made it to the semi-final after beating Serena. I have pains all over my body, but like a wounded teddy bear, I never give up (well, apart from Bali, Bangkok...hahaha )

You are all wondering how I beat Serena? Well I swapped her trainers for a smaller pair when she wasn't looking, & she didn't notice! That's why she got a big blister on her toe. I hope she doesn't find out! Any advantage, baby!

I play Maria next, OMG!! I totally didn't expect her to beat Henin but maybe now I have a chance, you know? I can't beat Justine, but I have beaten Maria. Maybe I can get Andy Roddick to appear in the crowd, put her off.

I managed to fly up in a helicopter thing, to see Melbourne from the top. We turned up at the airport but the security alarm went off. Then they looked in my bag - that bloody banana was still in there, someone put it back in my bag after I threw it away! I told you, crazy things keep happening to me! It was OK though after I signed a few autographs & showed my butt, that seemed to please the security men & there were no problems after that.

I boarded the aircraft but imagine my surprise - it was SOOO BIG!!! But then I was told that I had boarded the 747 to London by mistake, hahaha! Then we were in the air. Whoa, what a view! All the traffic seemed to be leaving Melbourne, but I was told later they knew I was flying overhead, & didn't want to take any chances.

I've been told Jamie is in town for a few days, instead of flying off to his next tournament. He is doing some sightseeing, but given what I'VE shown him over the last few days, he's seen more than enough!

Anyway have to go, need to get more physio on my 127 injuries, patch me up for the next same.

Bye bye for now,

JJ

BADASS BINE

Ich liebe dich nicht, du liebst mich nicht it's a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:06 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ian Aberdon View Post
DATELINE JAN 22 2008, AO:

You are all wondering how I beat Serena? Well I swapped her trainers for a smaller pair when she wasn't looking, & she didn't notice! That's why she got a big blister on her toe. I hope she doesn't find out! Any advantage, baby!
See I was waiting for Serena to come out with that in her presser!!
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:10 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

Loved the press conference when Serena was like i am not going to make excuseswaits 5 secondsBUT
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:12 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

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Originally Posted by becky.really View Post
Loved the press conference when Serena was like i am not going to make excuseswaits 5 secondsBUT
there was a toe on my foot, you see... and a bone in my leg...
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:17 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

do not even get me started on the sun or JJ actually playing...
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:18 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

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Originally Posted by becky.really View Post
do not even get me started on the sun or JJ actually playing...
Oh you're gonna fit in just fine...!

Wait until we actually "cheer" her on... god you'd think you were on GM and we were all
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:35 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

My friend is a big supporter of Serena. We almost came to blows today!
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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:37 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

Is this the friend who went to Wimbledon
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 07:44 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

NO!!! The friend that goes to Wimbledon does not even like Tennis and only goes because her grandpa gets free tickets for the members enclosure and royal box throughout the tourney 'cause he was ex vice chairman of the All England CLub! She doesn't really like it cause it is more like a social engagement. I wouldn't moan though!
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 22nd, 2008, 10:15 PM
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

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Originally Posted by Ian Aberdon View Post
...
I managed to fly up in a helicopter thing, to see Melbourne from the top.



Cya!

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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old Jan 23rd, 2008, 09:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

OH MY GOD GET OUTTA THE WAY!!!

BADASS BINE

Ich liebe dich nicht, du liebst mich nicht it's a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old Feb 8th, 2008, 07:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The unofficial 2008 JJ monologues

DATELINE FEB 8 2008:

I guess I have some explaining to do. I know what you are all asking. Why am I back with Jumanji again, when Jamie makes me smile, laugh, etc. My friends, please do not be mad at me. Jumanji turned up to support me at the recent Fed Cup matches & offered to carry my racquets, paint my new house & give me a year's supply of paperclips. The way to a girl's heart I LOVE PAPERCLIPS, especially the coloured ones hahaha . I did text Jamie in Argentina to explain, but I tried to call him & there was a strange gushing sound. It sounded like flowing water, I hope he is all right. I'm sure I'll see him soon.

Well, I am pleased to say we did fine in Fed Cup. Despite what everyone thinks, Ana & I got along just fine. We proved that with a demon doubles partnership. Actually I tried to hit Ana as she was crouching at the net, but my powderpuff serve could not reach her,hahaha. Just kidding. Ana & I went swimming afterwards to celebrate, Ana's treat...

Did you like the colourful hat? Even Ana took a turn! But then Ilie Nastase turned up shouting - he thought his pet parrot had escaped! Either that or he was drunk - by the way you may have seen me enjoying myself at the party for Serbia afterwards, but I was *hic* shober & NOT nissed as a pewt...

I have just had a text - I thought it was Jamie, it was his number, but its the Argentine River Board...how strange...

Better rest up, I have more painting to do, Jumanji has painted the house the wrong colour...

MEN!!!!

JJ x

BADASS BINE

Ich liebe dich nicht, du liebst mich nicht it's a braw moonlicht nicht the nicht
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