Re: Bomb of the day!
Outtakes from Nthamangela Mbangu-Žerić interview today
I: Yesterday, you stated that world number three Ruflina Taliamanosoko was a slow, old hag. Do you want to apologize?
Nthama: No. She IS a slow, old hag.
I: In this case, I suppose you are also a fan of the reunion of the African Continental Fed Cup team that Luna Bartoli promotes?
Nthama: Definitely not. I don't wanna team up with those disabled giraffes. Well, hippo would fit Luna better though.
I: You are calling Luna-Willow Bartoli a hippo?
Nthama: Well, she is fat and slow. Nobody recognized her pregnancy back in 2010 and that was just because she could hide it easily under her pounds. But Luna is not only fat and slow. She is consistent, at least in getting drunk. Every night. She also likes to smoke weed of course. But she is not successful anymore anyway. Luna would do everything for a win. I mean, do you remember when she wanted to win her own competition in South Africa but Giusa was too great in shape. So, she simply kidnapped her in order to win her semi-final easily. Unfortunately, she was arrested when trying to get on court. The event was cancelled immediately, if Luna doesn't win, nobody can win, she doesn't grant anyone anything. But she is still my best friend, despite the lack of similarity.
I: That's a lot of accusations in less than three minutes. What about the other team members, don't you miss them?
Nthama: Actually (*... long pause*) no. I see them every week or at least once a month, I don't need to have them steal my rubbers. You don't know what they would do just to be selected by Ruffy, our captain. Cornelia used to sleep with Ruflina just to be selected for a singles match. But I understand her, she wouldn't be picked otherwise. I mean, she is hard-working and so nice to everyone, trying her best, getting up at 5AM for practise but she seems to lack talent. Athea is the complete opposite. She must be the most talented tennis player on earth but you've never seen anyone lazier or less caring about the sport than her. But she won a grand slam and she was number one, so I don't blame her. I just wonder why she doesn't retire. One week on top is enough, isn't it? And don't tell me she would start working off her butt to come back (*laughs*). But I like her a lot, we often go shopping together.
I: What about Verena Starr?
Nthama: Vee-Jay? HAHA. She is simply inexistant. She hasn't played once for Africa in Fed Cup despite being nominated every single time. How many times has Ruffy received a call from her like ten minutes before the match would start that she (*imitates high voice*) missed her flight from Dubai or that she just found out she had a flu. I bet she was lying somewhere in the corner, completely on crack.
I: What kind of stories do you think your Afro-babes would tell us about you?
Nthama: Stories? Nothing bad of course! I am an angel. Always been.
I: (*looks at her unbelievingly*)
Nthama: What the fuck? You don't believe me? Leave me alone, damn son of a bitch!
Old woman with a hat on and a veil out of the audience: Well, what are your aims for the remaindure of the year?
Nthama: Well, first of all, I have to get fit again, you know, I just had a baby. And then I need to become Botswana's number one again and send the old hag back to where she belongs.
Old woman: You mean Ruflina Taliamanosoko, the most successful player ever on the Fantasy Women's Tennis Tour?
Nthama: Do we have any other old hags on our tour? Let me think... (*pause*) No! It has to be her then. I heard she just released a new perfume today called: Talia-odeur. Don't buy it. Well, you have to know by yourself but I don't wanna stink like her.
Old woman: (*runs to the front throwing away hat and veil and jumping onto Nthama and unveiling herself as Ruflina Taliamanosoko*) Here you go, stupid bitch!!! (*attempts to punch Nthama in her face but stumbles over her old-fashioned bloomy dress. She remains lying on the floor holding her stomach and crying.*)
Nthama: (*laughs out loud*)
I: (*immediately takes out his mobile phone calling the ambulance which comes and carries out the old woman on a bier.*)
Nthama: (*cannot stop laughing*) You see bitches, that's what happens when you is tryin'a mess with big Nthama MZ! (*leaves the building followed by her nanny carrying two children and the consistent booing of the audience*).
... to be continued.
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formerly known as Mr. Joyful, MUFFIN MONSTER, S.T.A.R. and Cucumber_Conny.