Week 7: When Mirza met Suicide
Miami, USA - Sometimes it's the mandatory tournaments which bring the best out of us. Yet for most, the mandatory tournaments have been a cross between a spanking by your grandmother or having the devil stick a pitchfork up your ass- neither that pleasant. Like DAY 03 masscred the field in Indian Wells, here in the east coast, Mirza shocked half the field on DAY 02. Of 32 seeds who began the tournament, 18 were eliminated minutes after their first match- but in Suicide Tennis it's all part of a tough week's work. Yet, Italian newcomer smokovec and Frenchman Bubba08 would have none of it, as they proved that only the cream rises to the top.
Like last week's victory came down to the final match, smokovec and Bubba08 were fighting until the brutal end, trading ferocious groundstrokes, big volleys, and a pile of errors. Fortunate for the field, ongoing injuries by Philip, the Suiss Miss...ter, and Doha and Antwerp winners, Lefandepatty and Sonic The Hedgehog, kept them on the sidelines. However, ranked almost 50 spaced behind fellow finalist Bubba08, smokovec had most of the odds against him. If you were to add the rankings of the finalist, semifinalist, and one (maybe 2) quarterfinalists the total would be less than his ranking during Miami. As well, when you associate Suicide tennis with Italia, smokovec isn't the first face that comes to mind. The crafty veteran, known for his clean compact picks, DoctorG had difficulty in his comeback from his own injuries, and where he faultered, smokovec began picking up momentum.
Like all the weeks past, the world #1 experienced "the curse". Ceze's consistent play suddenly evaporated before his eyes as he bought his plane ticket home to France, in preparation for the clay. Even Suicide Tennis' resident moon baller, the uber defensive Canadian Drake1980, fell short when one too many of his lobs was lost in the mad fury of his opponent's overheads, serves, and smashes. This week's world #1, Slokid will likely be a deer in headlights in Charleston, where he'll no longer have his baseline bashing game to keep him deep in the week. Our last notable was the Australian ranger, SpikeyAidanm. Very few people can threaten him when he's up at the net- so aggressive that he spends the early days choosing the upsets (like Azarenka) while the "chumps" choose some safeties. Though, his aggressive nature may take a greater pounding on clay, and worthy to note, sources say his slide is more an avanlanche, ready to fall at any moment.
For every disappointment, there were some surprises as viewers got to catch a glimpse at the lower ranked players (because all the seeds crashed and burned). Canadian Newcomers, ~CANUCK~ and ¤CharlDa¤, may have been slightly underwhelming, but each has the technique and variety to fare quite well on the green clay. However both have shown potential, ~CANUCK~ being a PAW mastermind, and ¤CharlDa¤ knowing how to get jiggy with it in bed and on the court- the sign of a true champion. Gavnich77, the gentle Brit knows tennis the way the English know strawberries and cream, very well and in their tummies. He's now become the first player to have been crowned a champion (Bangalore), reach a final (Memphis), a semifinal (Acapulco), and a quarterfinal (Miami), however England is not known for producing its clay court fighters- so don't be surprised if he does work his magic on the dirt.
With so many dead early in the week, it's a surprise that so many keep coming back for more, but like the uncle that always gets insanely drunk at family functions, sometimes once is just not enough.
The Winning Combination:
(Stosur, Krajicek, Kuznetsova, Groenefeld, Kirilenko, Petrova, Mauresmo, Golovin, Sharapova)
The Sucide Tennis Centrefold of the Week:
Slokid - Even though he's got less titles than people ranked, as much as 54 spots below him, he's the crown and jewel of Suicide Tennis. A dedicated player, nice friend, and consistent do-gooder, it's hard to say "no" the boy who hails from eastern europe. By being the King of Consistency, of Compassion, and of Kindness, as well as world #1, Slokid is this week's Centrefold (for the gay men, and the odd woman, a nude centrefold will more than suffice).
The Suicide Tennis Piece of F*cking Sh*t Mother F*cker Moment of the Week:
The moment when each of the 45 players realized that their immigration papers had been phoney and they would have to leave the country. No wait, it was because they bothered choosing Mirza, who lost to a a junior, the same junior who lost first round to a relative nobody in the Luxilon Cup. Hey it could be worse... no that's actually a lie.
The Suicide Tennis Janet Jackson Wardrobe Malfunction of the Week:
James - James usually owns the competition by choosing the players that people have only heard of in nightmares. Last week, when people were flocking to Sam Stosur, he groped Gagliardi, instead of Lisjak, he'd go for another 50k challenger champ. He started that way this week too, but then, in a very un-James characteristic he picked Mirza... like everyone else. Instead of going with his heart, and hitting that down-the-liner, he sent a lofty one in the middle of the court, and got punished.
The Suicide Tennis Donald Trump Risktaker of the Week:
smokovec/SpikeyAidanM - Neither really epitamized what it means to strike it rich, by taking a risk. Though in their respective styles, risk and reward are key elements. smokovec risks it by going for the 32 - 16, range whereas the rest flock to the top 10. Spikey is just a character, when under pressure he'll go for an absurb pick, but to the fury of his competition... he gets it right. Great week to both competitors!
The Suicide Tennis Song of the Week:
Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson - With so many people being trampled, we might as well glorify their losses and say "they walked away". After a bad week, albeit in a mandatory tournament, be thankful that you're still... alive. If you're not alive, kill yourself or wait, you already have. C'est la vie de Suicide!
The Suicide Tennis Guillotine:
One word: Mirza (the new Suicide Tennis term, for sucking ass) - Never underestimate a junior. Or overestimate a one shot wonder- either way you're out.
Last edited by 416_Man; Apr 5th, 2006 at 12:36 AM.