Once Upon a Time.... - TennisForum.com
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post #1 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 03:19 PM Thread Starter
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Once Upon a Time....

Just kickin back in Jen’s Den, ice cold beer in one hand, typing with the other, still glowing from my newly elevated status from “junior member”…

In honor of the battle weary still valiantly waging war with the vapid and the vile over on GM, I thought you might like a thread like yesterday’s poetry and songwriting – another one to stretch the creative legs a little. So pull up a chair, grab a cold one (for you Europeans, I put your beer in the oven ) – here’s the rules:

The idea is to tell the story of Jen’s life – with a lot of silliness and bizarre thrown in between – the more twisted the better but try to somehow get it back to the common thread of Jen’s life. Write as much or as little as you like but always end your post with a mid-sentence “cliffhanger” (I think you’ll see what I mean from my lead-off post below. And please feel free to post often. This could be fun or dumb but we’ll never know unless we give it a try, right? Here goes:

Once upon a time there was a man named Stefano. Stefano, being a temperamental, hot-blooded Italian stud, attempted to achieve fame and glory via a variety of differing sports. Unfortunately, despite all his efforts, he was just a mildly, but not wildly, successful athlete. This proved to be a great source of frustration for him. Then one day he met a young lady who, he quickly deduced, had fine, sturdy bone structure and nice, strong teeth, causing him to swiftly proclaim, “THIS is the one!”

A marriage and 9 months later a child was born. “Damn”, he said, as he swaddled the child in a Fila blanket, “you’re not a boy! Oh well, I’ll just…….<<this is where the next person should pick up>>>
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post #2 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 06:26 PM
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...Teach that thing what i know, some good years later, & some junior tournaments, little Jenny (or "Eggplant" as daddy called her) was thirteen, & b4 he knew it, she had more money then him (well... em... i think..), he got upset & wanted to teach her a lesson about beeing a grown up, so he sent her to a real tennis tourny, for his surprise, she kicked buts, he was so upset he...


(this is a crapy one, but oh well....)

Cogito, ergo sum.
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post #3 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 06:45 PM
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... got a $3 million deal with Diadora. Why? Because they'll dress jennifer up as a clown and embarrass her when she is older and can look back and think "what a chump i am". Adidas' and Nikes clothes were too "normal" for the flamboyant Stefano.

Then he decided that Jen needed a Rolex watch, this way she can time the time she takes between serves with the teeny-weeny watch within a watch with times the milli-seconds (only happens on expensive watches, folks). Easily distracted by shiny objects, Stefano (or Steffie as he preffered to be know) ...

and where they produce desolation, they call it peace

Last edited by veryborednow; May 1st, 2002 at 06:51 PM.
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post #4 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 07:50 PM
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decided that little Miss Jen should win every tournament she entered, therefore receiving many shiny objet d'art, along with bag loads of CA$H. Stefano started putting much pressure on the beloved Jen to win, win, win. He forced her to tour the globe playing meaningle$$ exhibitions as he fattened not only the House of Capriati bank account, but his ever expanding middle section as well. Needless to say, Stefano had lived in America for over 20 years, but he never learned to speak English so he felt that screaming would make every one understand him. Meanwhile little Jennifer was charming the world with her smile, personality and killer strokes. She even...
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post #5 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 09:00 PM
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the Media pressure become so imense on the little teenager, who was already a superstar all over the world, especially in the USA, so her parents should have been more carefully with each step she will make and should have helped her more instead of pushing her to the limit!
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post #6 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 10:59 PM
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Nevertheless, she even signed an endorsement deal with Oil of Olay even though she was a mere 14 years old. Rejected endorsement offers included Miss Clairol grey concealing hair-dye and Depends adult diapers. It seemed all of corporate America wanted a piece of young Jenny, who just wanted to be a normal little girl. Jenny was unhappy and confused. She wanted to rebel but Stefano would have none of it, besides which she didn't really know how to yet.

Fast-forward a couple of years. Now truly fed-up of being a teenage cash-cow/media-ho, and suddenly able to bench-press 120 lbs., Jenny told papa Stefano and company to shove it and decided to....
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post #7 of 125 (permalink) Old May 1st, 2002, 11:39 PM
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...stop playing the game called tennis and started a new game called, 'Let's Get Arrested!'. Jennifer was rather successful at this, clocking up two arrests and many headlines. At this stage, her endorsements were cancelled and she had to find new ways of making money to pay for her frequent hair colouring episodes. She became adept at origami, often being the star attraction at kids' birthday parties and also started busking around the footpaths of Bristol. During this time, Stefano and Jennifer's Mother, who for years never had a name, stayed very quiet, which was rather unusual for Stefano.

Whilst the rest of the tennis world continued, Jennifer returned to school to, you know, complete her, you know, studies-type thing, you know? However, little, innocent, American sweetheart Jennifer, who was no longer little or innocent decided to return to tennis, because...


I like this thread!
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post #8 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 01:23 AM
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.....she got damn tired of of being the poster child for TTGB(tennis teens gone bad), not to mention her origami patterns were kind of "you know", drippy. Bart Simpson patterns and her fav goth bands just didn't transfer well onto delicate paper. And lets be real. Delicate is not the first thing that comes to mind.....
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post #9 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 09:03 AM
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.....you know....
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post #10 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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….realizing that origami birthday parties were a dying breed, having reached their zenith in the late 80s but succumbing to the pressures of rent-able moon-bounces and balloon art, she decided this line of work may not be able to keep her in the lifestyle she’d become accustomed - including her expensive demand for hair coloring, heavy make up and black capes. So, pacing the floor in her roach-infested apartment in Boca Raton, stepping over the beer bottles and nameless drunks and hangers on sleeping on her floors, she thought, “You know, shoplifting clearly isn't my thing, you know, maybe I should.....ugh... try tennis again?” So, reluctantly, she called Steffie to ask what would it take to mount a comeback?

Steffie, who in the meantime had grown an even larger beer belly with his inactivity and lack of purpose in life, had, however, managed to learn a few new choice words in English and behavior tips while filling his days with “Jerry Springer”. When he picked up the phone and heard the small, frail voice on the other end, he sucked in his gut, straightend his back and after listening intently to her new plan, promptly ordered her to pack her capes and move back north NOW – “Do not even say good-bye to those good for nothing friends of yours!!” Slamming the phone down, he looked at Denise, smoothed back his oily Italian mane and shouted, “Momma! We’re back in business!!” And he quickly began preparing for the comeback by……
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post #11 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 05:07 PM
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... following the Mr. Lucic, Mr. Graf, and Mr. Pierce technique of doing absolute bugger all. Hey, it was a tried and tested technique. Anyhoo, Jens hair now purple and orange, proved to be an all too effective camoflage against Steffie's Diadora tracksuit. So he wasn't aware of her arrival for 3 weeks when Jen used her origami techniques to create a high tech communications system to receive his attention, or a letter accompanied by an envelope.

Dear Daddy ....

and where they produce desolation, they call it peace
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post #12 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 06:32 PM
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...I rebelled exactly the same like Jenny, and 1994 was the shittiest for me too.
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post #13 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 08:00 PM
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What the hell were you thinking? Well, whatever. I’m back now, but I wanna, you know, set a few, like, ground rules.

First of all, no more fluorescent colours. That’s so, like, 1991. Even Agassi’s over it. From now on I wanna be dressed from the liquidation reject rack at Charlie’s Sporting Goods and Apparel Store.

Second, quit running me ragged. I’m still insecure, self-conscious, and self-loathing. I don’t need the added crap.

Third, let mom out of the damn attic already.

So that’s it. Those are the rules. Don’t mess with ‘em, okay? The origami thing may be a bust, but I hear decoupage is gonna be real big this season. The cops gave me back my Rol-a-dex, so the next kiddie birthday party is just a quick phone call away. And don’t think I won’t go there, cuz I will.

Holler back and let me know what you think.

Confused,

Jen
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post #14 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 09:33 PM
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Ok, this is so hilarious!

Snuffkin: I can't stop laughing!!
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post #15 of 125 (permalink) Old May 2nd, 2002, 09:39 PM
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LMAO kazzmazz. What a great post. I wonder if she did write it?!1!

"I'm just happy for what I have and really have no complaints. I don't have to prove anything to anybody or myself, really. I feel like I've realized that I've achieved a lot, at least in my tennis career. That's one less worry. That was kind of a worry before. I let that go."
Proud to be one of Jen's Hell's Angels!


And my fave doubles team: Virginia Y Paola. Vamo' arriba chicas!!!
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