I am a crime fighter!
Yes, tonight, I fought crime.
Thousands to millions of pounds are lost on our streets, in our homes, and in our wallets, by the evil of counterfeit crime.
Fake goods, fake champagne, fake food, and worst of all, fake money. Tonight, I did my bit to stop this crimewave.
Working away on a tough friday night at Victoria Wine, Belper, I get a lad of 17 walk into the shop. At first I think "is he going to want beer?". But he goes to the pop fridge and buys a bottle of Ribena. "81 pence please" I say. He hands over a five pound note. I grasp it between thumb and ofrefinger, like I had been doing with dozens of notes all night in quick succession. This one felt different. Thicker, more like normal paper than paper money. I smelt a rat. (not literally we dont have rat problems in the cellar.)
I checked its watermark... it wasnt a very good one. I checked the silver light strip. They had no chance in reproducing that. They didnt. I ripped it a bit to see of it ripped the same as real notes. It didn't.
"That's a fake that is, sorry mate". He wanted to know if he got it back, but we have to send them to the Police. Later he came in with his mates demanding the fiver back, but he couldn't, and eventually he saw why. We took his details and if these damn scumbags are caught then he should get his £5 back, and maybe some more.
But if it wasn't for the sharpness of one Mr Joey Winson, sales assistant extraordinaire, this would have been another victory for crime, and another defeat for the law-abiding general public. My boss congratulated me on my discovery, and I went home knowing that I'd done my bit to help the citizens of my town, and the police, fight against this underground activity.
I then carjacked a Land Rover and ramraided an electrical store... but that's not sneaky crime, that's crime with style!
(the last sentence is obviously a lie, if the electrical store gets ramraided by a Landrover tonight, it wasnt me)