The "Help me, I've just discovered that my new legal guardian is Grace Jones" thread. - TennisForum.com
 
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old May 19th, 2003, 03:24 AM Thread Starter
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The "Help me, I've just discovered that my new legal guardian is Grace Jones" thread.

Well follwing my escapades on the plane to Cambodia, I arrived at Phnom Penh airport and was bundled into the back of a blacked out Citroen.

The car sped along a motorway into what looked like a the mouth of a huge mural of a short haired black woman. I suddenly realised that this was infact like the Grace Jones Cirtoen ad in the 70's but instead of the car going out of her mouth it was going in.

Stangely enough these were just over elaborate gates to her huge Cambodian mansion. I was thrown into her front room where she was standing dressed as Mayday but pushing a wheelbarrow around and holding a potato gun.

"Get in the barrow" said Grace, in that kinda voice she has that makes u get in the barrow as quick as f**king possible.

Then she thrust the potato gun to my head and handed me a book. "Leeeeearn those words boy" she shouted in my ear. It was a book of all her song lyrics she had ever sung.

And now, this is my new life. Grace Jones is my new legal guardian, and she wheels me round the streets of Phnom Penh in a wheelbarrow with the spud gun pressed to me head whilst I sing out loud her greatest hits on a megaphone. It's thoroughly demeaning and I'm sure I've sung My Jamaican Guy about 19 times.

Grace is obsessed with lentil based dishes and that's all I've bloody eat since I've got here, including her grossly unsuccessful lentil based english breakfast.

Anyway she's calling me again....here goes...

#Your private life drama, baby, leave me out...oh!#

"I'm like in a shop, looking for the right man, for me jigsaw, and believe you me, I'll f**king do it. I am the law." - Gary Hayward, Belper Town FC manager.

http://www.belpertownfc.co.uk
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old May 19th, 2003, 11:01 PM Thread Starter
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She's given me this lentil haggis today. I'm like "what? haggis should be made of pigs stomach and stuff". She thoroughly objected to my disapproval of the dish and wheeled me out to sing every song from her Nightclubbing album whilst having ice cubes snuck down my back at random moments.

"I'm like in a shop, looking for the right man, for me jigsaw, and believe you me, I'll f**king do it. I am the law." - Gary Hayward, Belper Town FC manager.

http://www.belpertownfc.co.uk
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old May 22nd, 2003, 02:32 AM Thread Starter
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It's becoming a living hell now.

Grace is becoming power hungry. Because of her antics she has now got a huge Cambodian fanbase, I'd liken it to a plague of rampant uncontrollable locusts. There's no Rentokil in the cosmos that can kill em off.

Anyway, t'other day, whilst I was being barrowed around, I was pelted with whelks, barnacles, hermit crabs and various other shellfish whilst she was given gifts of beans and pulses which as you know... she covets greatly.

She then walked on top of a huge podium and declared herself queen of the world, whilst I was strapped into the barrow.

She then announced that my spell as her public barrowperson was over, and she was to sell me to a North Korean leadmine, ran by Aaron Carter, younger brother of Nick Carter who used to be in the Backstreet Boys... who, following his semi to not very successful pop career a few years back, I have now been told is a strict disciplinarian after having his entire mental state changed by side effect following a course of anti-jaundice pills, although I am informed his balls have yet to have dropped.

So it's off to Pyongyang I go!

"I'm like in a shop, looking for the right man, for me jigsaw, and believe you me, I'll f**king do it. I am the law." - Gary Hayward, Belper Town FC manager.

http://www.belpertownfc.co.uk
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old May 22nd, 2003, 02:42 AM
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Grace Jones, woah! She's one freaky woman. Does she intimidate you? I think most people in this country have been intimidated by her ever since that interview she did with the late Russell Harty where she ended up hitting him. That and the fact that she's ten feet tall, (not quite as tall as Pam though) and has a weird face.

If you get the chance, can you ask her to tell you her on-set stories from when she was filming 'A Vire To A Kill'? As a Bond film, it's not one of the best, but it's worth mentioning it, if only because it was Roger Moore's last and was the only Bond film to feature a number one single as the theme tune. Shame Grace had to die in it.

Oh, and did she mind her character being called Mayday, which is, after all, a distress shout?
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old May 22nd, 2003, 03:26 AM Thread Starter
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Welll. As in that Russell Harty interview, she pours scorn... and sometimes hot lentil soup on anyone who turns their back on her.

I've actually been intimidated by her since the front cover of one of her seven inch singles, I would go and check which one it was out of dad's record collection but I don't want the nightmares of my childhood to return. And anyway I couldnt because I'm packing up my small Lidl (Cambodia Branch) bag of stuff to take to North Korea.

Speaking of A View to a Kill, didnt Simon Le Bon do the theme tune to that avec his good friends from Duran Duran? Him and Yasmin wanted me to run their processed cheese factory in the Federated States of Micronesia for a year, but I declined as they would pay me peanuts, and not the KP sort either.

Anyway I'm not allowed to ask her any questions, as that means more chores and more "barrowing".

"I'm like in a shop, looking for the right man, for me jigsaw, and believe you me, I'll f**king do it. I am the law." - Gary Hayward, Belper Town FC manager.

http://www.belpertownfc.co.uk
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