i don't know if Europe Air is sponsoring a "fly to America and be an asshole" deal, but as i'm typing this, i'm currently aboard a jet plane heading for home (Cali) and there's of ton of Eurotards (especially Brittards & German tards) and there is definetly something strange that is going on. Before I continue, let me just say that I hold no hostility towards foreigners. I have many good friends who are Eurotards and in the case of Brittards, i even have family. In fact, i myself am quarter Brittard.
and this isn't to say Americans traveling in foreign lands aren't equally awful - God know's - i act like a total asshole at every oppotunity. Shit, Americans traveling in their own country are bad enough.
but to make things easier for all the asshole Eurotard tourists wandering the US (and especially Southern California), i came up with a few tips to help them better enjoy their time in our country
these tips are actually based on mistakes i've witnessed tourists making. Sadly, i didn't have to make any of this up
Tip 1: In yuor country, the dating process may start by pinching a stranger on the butt or breasts. In our country, that's a good way to get maced, get sued, or get the shit kicked out of yuor hairy foreign ass by Tough American Gurl. It's okay to stare at a desirable person of the opposite sex, just be subtle, the embarrassment yuo save may be yuor own
Tip 2: Fanny Packs and dark socks with sandals are stupid, and label yuo right away as a Foreign Tourist, which labels yuo right away for Violent Death at the hands of Crack-Cocaine Boi
Tip 3: While most Americans can barely speak English, they know when they're being made fun of. Actually, they are overparanoid that yuo are making fun of them with every foreign word yuo use, so go easy on the chatter. Yuo're much easier to get along with when yuo're reading sentences like "I am in the need for inside toilet for my bottom" out of those little translator books.
Tip 4: Most Americans can barely speak effectively in their native tongue (See Tip 3). They certainly don't know yuor stupid language. Don't even try it. You all had to learn English in school, so use it.
Tip 5: While the service sector in yuor country may be required by class structure, government legislation, or caste system to be polite, America is different. Americans hate their jobs. Many American shoppers understand this, and occasionally try to make it easier on the people working shitty jobs. Being rude in a restaurant is a good way to get your steak dropped on the ground before it hits yuor plate or worse. In fact, i've already posted on this board the tale of when i was in high-school, working part-time in a pizza joint, and i witnessed one of the waitresses jerk the chef off onto a pizza, which was then served to the rude asshole clients. Never mistreat the people who cook yuor food. And don't forget to tip. Yuor meal is cheap because yuor waiteress makes 2 bucks an hour.
Tip 6: Homeless people like TheGuy and my mom are victims of an unfair capitalist system. They are not props to get pictures taken with. And if yuo do have the callousness to take a shot of yuor wife next to a woman with a shopping card full of cans, give the woman a dollar. It's the green bill with the "20" on it.
Tip 7: At the beach
For Bois: Don't wear those weenie benders at the beach. No one wants to see your marble bag. In America, bois wear shorts to the beach, not panties.
Gurls: Like in yuor country, going topless is fine. People will stare and point out of admiration
Tip 8: Those dudes who wash yuor windows at red lights are not employees of the city. Pay them. Yuo're lucky they're not following yuor rental to yuor hotel
Tip 9: When yuo ask someone for directions, please be nice and listen. Most people will send yuo in the right direction, but only the first few times you ask them. Thank them, and walk away, in the right direction. And make sure the first person is out of sight before yuo ask someone else for directions again
Tip 10: Remember, in America, everyone has guns. Shooting foreigners isn't even a crime anymore. So, remember my tips. It may just save your life
that is all
- Car Key Boi