Everyday, every hour, I wonder why I'm keeping myself alive. I won't kill myself though, mainly because I'm too much of a wimp, and as unbearable as being alive is to me, I'm not sure at all of what death is made of.
I feel like I'm collecting every possible anguish implied trouble: OCD, eating disorders, depression, phobia and panic.... And it's just worsening every year. I've been depressed since I was like 10 (I'm turning 24 in a couple weeks....), and I've only kept reaching new lows within th years, and discovering that there's no limit to the worse and the unberable. I've try about every fucking pill on Earth, different dosages, I've been on an intensive therapy for 4 years now, and it keeps getting worse in spite of all of that I've tried.
Now, I'm just exhausted, profoundly hopeless and lonely, feeling uncurable, like the occasional case where science fails. All my symptoms are just taking all my energy and had me basically disabled (can't even read a book anymore), and I'm so weary and desireless that I spend most of my days in bed. Thinking about how I'm gonna die without having lived, and watching people live, trying very hard not to just start sobbing endlessly.
I've try the walks in the park, forcing myself to see friends, etc. it was just effectless, didn't make me feel better at all, just even more tired than I already was. Maybe, I dunno, it was just meant to be like that, it's part of me that wants me dead.
Tomorrow, I'm trying a new medicine, a neuroleptic. My shrink had to insist for a long time to make me accept to try it, because I've alreday tried several ones, and all they did was making me feel even worse, zombiesque, suicidal (one of them even gave me milk let-down
) and I was taking minimal dosage. I have no hope about this new one, but let it be, at least my shrink will leave me alone with this shit when it fails.