Subject; 1994 silver VW Passat, non original alloy rims and a baby seat in the rear.
Offense; Displaying a hanging CD Disc from the rear view. WTF was this guy thinking? did he think he looked cool to have a 50c blank CD Rom disc bouncing up and down as he cruises along the main drag? Besides, sunlight can easily reflect off it into the eyes of on-coming drivers so that was definitely giving me a reason to key his ride.
Punishment; Using my Swisstech Utili-Key,I carved out a symetrical wavy line along the side of the passenger door panel, finishing with several loops around the handle. I then scratched out in large letters "Get rid of the CD you dipshit"
How I got caught; I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was complacent and I slipped-up. I am really sorry for this slip-up, I have no idea how it happened, but it won't happen again.
I was outside Taco Bell smoking a butt whilst waiting on Hubcap Boi and Architect Boi who were inside ordering burretos. All of a sudden this black dude pulls up outside the grocery store (note, this was not a racist keying. I do not discriminate. Black, white, Mexican, latino, asian, straight, gay, bi, democrat, republican, no matter what your creed, color, sexual or political persuasion happens to be, I WILL key your car)
The guy runs into the grocery store to do his errands. At this point I had no intention of keying his car as I make it a rule not to key cars that are 5 years or older. Usually by this time, they have already been keyed, probably by senseless, amateur thugs who don't appreciate the traditions and the values of the discipline. A true master like myself prefers to work with an unspoiled canvas on which to practice one's art.
So, I was leaning against the window of Taco Bell, at peace with myself, smoking a butt and calmly watching the world go by. Suddenly a beam of sunlight zapped me in the eyes and momentarily blinded me. This event triggered off something in my brain and my right hand instinctively reached into my pocket to pull out my Swisstech Utili-Key. When I had located the source of the offending beam of sunlight, a voice inside my head was screaming "this asshole is pratically BEGGING for his ride to be keyed!"
I swiftly approached the VW scanning the target for any signs of previously inflicted damage. As I had suspected, I noticed several small scratches on the hood and on the drivers door, but the passenger door panel was intact. I knelt down and commenced work.
Usually I'm incredibily stealthy when I key up cars and I make a ninja look like a flaming elephant. But as I said, I was complacent and I neglected to extinguish my cigarette. The owner returned, approaching from the drivers side. If it wasn't for the cigarette smoke, the guy would have gotten into his ride unaware that I was still on the other side carving out his door panel. But he noticed the smoke and walked around and caught me just as I was begining the D in the word 'Dipshit'.
So what happened next? you're wondering.
Well, I didn't even stop, I looked over my shoulder and said to the guy "Hang on, I haven't finished yet". I continued to carve out the word 'Dipshit' and finished it off with a violent little scriggle at the end of the last letter.
Now, I'm reasonably tall and although I'm always smartly dressed, even in casual attire, I have an edgy, dangerous look about me, rather like the actor James Woods. So I stood up to the guy, took a deep draw on my cigarette, and exhaled the smoke right into the guy's face whilst maintaining eye contact. The guy stepped back a step and gave a small cough.
I then said in a calm voice "Do you have a problem with this?" nodding towards the heavy damage that I had just inflicted upon his door panel. In what sounded like a West Indian accent, the guy mumbled something about people being inconsiderate, he then sidled past me to walk round to the other side of his car, got in, started his engine, and drove off. The whole time I stared him down and watched him as he drove off into the horizon.
Car Key Boi