Re: Coming out...
I know this is my first post but I saw this thread and felt the need to make an account just to post this, hoping against all hope I could find some understanding here.
So it all happened, or rather started, when I was 16. My parents and friends had never even thought I could be gay, and honestly neither had I; I had some sparse thoughts about guys but was rather convinced I was into girls. I had lost my virginity at 14 and hooked up with several girls since. So I was dating this girl for two months when I was 16 and was kinda friends with her twin brother too, although I always had the sneak suspicion he could be gay. One day, I went to her house to see her and surprise her but she wasn't there, she was out with a friend. Her (twin) brother though invited me to stay and play some FIFA with him, we were not close but got along well so I just said yes; so there we were playing, and he suddenly put his hand on mine, we started smiling at each other and then we just started kissing. I didn't think anything of it back then but just didn't back off. Meanwhile, her sister came out, saw us, threw a huge hissy fit and then told the whole school what she had seen.
So everyone at school now knows about this and we both lose all our friends, resulting in us becoming best friends. Life became hard at school though, I was mocked by pretty much everyone, ostracized. I still remember I had 'dyke' sprayed in my locker and found a whole bunch of pink clothes there and some lube. Also in biology class when we were talking about contraceptions and STDs everyone was looking and laughing at me. I was miserable at school. I had doubts about my own sexuality too, when to a few nightclubs and bars, hooked up with lots of random girls, but really something felt wrong. I wasn't enjoying it for more than one reasons, one of them perhaps bizarrely being that I found their pussies too loose.
So there I was, my life was a living hell at school, I was having like serious doubts about my sexuality and I only had one friend, who was exactly in the same situation. One day in school I just cracked, punched him and had a fight with him in front of the whole school, calling him a freak and all sorts of name really and saying he had made out with me. Guess it was a desperate and failed attempt to fight off peer pressure. One day when my parents were at work, he came over to my house and tried to reason with me; we had another fight but somehow we ended up making out in my living room and we went further. When my parents came home, he was sucking my dick right there in our living room couch. My parents are both huge homophobes and kicked me out immediately, saying I was a disgrace and they never wanted me to set foot on their house again.
At least I wasn't homeless as my older sister, who is working abroad, let me stay at her appartment. I started dating the guy but things just didn't work out great in the end, it only lasted a few months. He eventually cheated on me with another guy. So there I was, living alone in a hotel room, with no friends, no boyfriend, a complete pariah. Sometimes people I was once really close with just completely ignore me, don't reply to my hellos; my best friend (well, not anymore) told me he'd kill me if I ever spoke to him again.
My life now is pretty much all about hitting gay bars, trying to get know guys, hooking up. It's the only way to somehow fight off my loneliness and how miserable I feel. But not with much success; gay guys only seem to want sex and nothing else, I want more, I need someone to connect with. I'm not ashamed of being gay, but I just feel so lonely and miserable. It's just so hard, all of it. I don't expect anyone to understand or even respect it, but it's worth a try, sorry for wasting your time.