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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Cheating partner?

I'm just curious for some opinions. I'm gay and currently seeing a nice guy. The issue I have is that a few guys like him or have crushes on him (particularly a few of his male friends), which I'm perfectly ok with. It's been an on-going battle for the last three weeks to get across to him that it's inappropriate to be too close to them knowing that they like him. He reassures me that I've got nothing to worry about. However, he had one over today tagged on facebook in his bed. I know he wouldn't have had sex with him, however from my point of view I think spending one on one time with someone who has a crush on you is sending the wrong message to the person and it is slightly disrespectful to the person they're seeing (me). To add fuel to the fire, the boy who's crushing on him may spend the night alone at his house as a friends sleep over sort of thing which happens with his regular circle of friends which don't like him beyond friends (male and female). I keep asking myself why I don't trust him and why do I worry? I'm certainly not jealous, because I know it's ok for them to hang out - because there's nothing worse than coming off as a controlling partner. But I can't help but thinking that I know better than this.

Is it worth fighting about? Is it worth letting him go because of how irrational he is (I mean, I may be getting the whole situation completely wrong)? I've spoken to him about it endlessly and I've warned him against this boy and other that like him staying over without myself or other friends present, stating that I will walk away and end it.

Has anyone been through similar? What to do...?
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 01:26 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

First of all, from an objective point of view, can you rate the looks/attractiveness of yourself, your boyfriend and the other boy.

You say you're not jealous, but it seems like you are (or you're in denial?). There also seems to be some serious trust issues. I can only guess that these might stem from: (1) past friendships/relationships where you were burned; (2) you think that if it were you in that situation (that your bf is in) then you would cheat on him with another person; or (3) you have a strange suspicion that your bf is a smooth talking sly fox and your sixth sense is warning you to not trust him. If it's 1 or 2, these are issues that you can solve yourself, but if it's 3 I would say go with your instincts and break it off otherwise it will be more painful the longer you stay in the relationship and fall deeper in love.

P.S. These are my opinions only! I'm sorry you're going through such dramas, but these things usually solve themselves out eventually.
Also, I'm very much a practical person. I don't believe in a "one true love" but I do believe in commitment. Is it worth the stressing and worrying if your bf is not offering you the same level of commitment that you give to him?
There are many boys in the world for you to find if this relationship doesn't work out :P

Last edited by hectopascal; Oct 5th, 2011 at 01:34 PM.
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 01:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Cheating partner?

I've never cheated in a relationship. Although I have been cheated on previously. I have voiced to him that I'm not ok with cheating and that any hint of it I'd leave him and not speak to him again. The more I think about it, he really has a lot to lose from cheating knowing I'd never see him than to gain. But than again, it's the thrill of have this naughty little secret. I'd say 1 and 2.

I want to let him go, but something is holding me back. It'd be easier for him to just tell me it's over than to string me alond like this, but he wont.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 01:46 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

He probably wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed, so that should tell him it's wrong. I agree with you.
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 08:28 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

Something similar has just happened to me.

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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 08:53 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

I don't think anyone can help you---You need to look within yourself to determine if the relation is healthy or not...


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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 09:10 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

I just wanna say, its OK to be jaleous.

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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 09:57 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

i don't think that you are jealous you are just not dumb... some people are just dirty sluts who are going to try anything to get what they want(that includes having sex with your partner), and some men are just really horny sometimes so anything can happen...my best friend's(she is a female) boyfriend had sexual invitation from his bff(female) and now my friend feels uncomfortable even though she is not jealous,possessive or anything similar to that ...and if you plan to be in a long relationship you should just tell him what bothers you and if he doesn't accept some of your suggestions just break up with him and move on
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 10:29 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

There are alarm bells for me, you are not being crazy or irrational. It's worth talking to him about it more, and if there's a fight, so be it. He should respect your feelings and thoughts on this more, and I think your thoughts are correct.

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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 10:34 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

your partner isn't ready for monogamy. move on if its important to you.

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 5th, 2011, 11:45 PM
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Re: Cheating partner?

Gay or straight, you sound like someone who is very controlling. If you care about the person, enjoy your time with them and stop thinking/acting as if intimacy makes them akin to your possession.

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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 6th, 2011, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Cheating partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by pov View Post
Gay or straight, you sound like someone who is very controlling. If you care about the person, enjoy your time with them and stop thinking/acting as if intimacy makes them akin to your possession.
You're right. But I don't intend to feel like an absolute idiot when I see a person he's cheated on me with who I believe is a friend that I can rely upon. More so, I'm not keen on sti's. But overwhelmingly, he wouldn't accept this from me.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 6th, 2011, 01:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Cheating partner?

Just an update: I called him this morning to see if everything was ok. I informed him that I wasn't upset or angry and that everything was ok. However, I asked him if this boy had stayed over... he said no. So I apoligised for this. To make matters worse, I apologised knowing that he was lying to me because a friend had informed me that he was talking to both of them on the phone and this friend I trust. I'm not sure why he had to lie, I asked him if it were ok for me to sleep over a friend of mine who likes me that the bf does not like and he quickly replied "no, I would think that's inappropriate and I hate them". I think he knows he's done the wrong thing. I hope I haven't played a game by apoligising.

I get the whole thing of them being friends, but I really don't know the person he shared a bed with from a bar of soap. I'm seeing him this afternoon, I'm getting my things.

Last edited by MyskinaManiac; Oct 6th, 2011 at 01:20 AM.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 6th, 2011, 03:03 AM
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Re: Cheating partner?

Nice ending I see.
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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old Oct 6th, 2011, 04:09 AM
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Re: Cheating partner?

Okay I am straight woman and this behavior is unfortunately common in certain type of men.
If I love my BF, I would be careful not to be so close to a man I feel attracted to, or him being attracted to me. It's dangerous not to mention would make my BF jealous and hurt his feelings. So I expect similar behavior from him!
It seems like your partner is this man who is always accompanied by "special close friends".

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