Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: UnattractiveOn the inside
Re: Please offer your generous help to my dream...
the sentence about your mother's lymp and the dog's canines is totally screwy and needs to be reworded. It sounds like a bad google translation.
" I am now cognizant of such is the paradoxical impetus for me to keep going."
makes no sense at all
On the whole I think you are using passive voice verbs (is, are, be, am was etc) too much. While there is nothing wrong with that occasionally, there are better ways to word things.
My personality is shaped by the letdowns I have had over the years:
could be changed to:
Over the years, personal tragedy and adversity have shaped my personality.
I think your personal section where you talk about your problems borders on being a little sappy and even a bit desperate sounding. Tone it down a little so it does not sound like a sob story. Throw in something about how even with all these difficulties you managed to get where you are through hard work and perseverance.
I'd talk more about your academics and honors in English also. You are applying for school for English Literature. You only devote one small paragraph to that and don't really say much in it. You talk about the piano and music more than literature. Actually after reading it, I am left with the impression that you are more passionate about music than English Literature.
Blowing out someone else's candle does not make yours shine brighter.