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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 03:38 AM Thread Starter
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GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Im having problems with my parents and would love your advice please, i know there are quite a few gays here so yey HELP!

Slight backstory-im at uni. the end.
I told my mum i had a girlfriend around christmas time, whenever I come home she makes me feel bad for spending time with my girlfriend, according to her I should be with her instead. She said she would tell my dad i have a gf cos i dont really talk to him about stuff, hes not good with showing his feelings so i dont feel like i can talk to him. But ever since that initial coming out, my mum wont talk to me about the lesbian in me, i keep talking about my gf and i either get silence or she just changes the subject. i have no idea if my dad knows or not.
I know it may take her time to get used to it but shes making me feel ashamed of who i am even though i know there is nothing to be ashamed of. she also keeps dropping hints that im fat now that shes dropped an unhealthy amount of weight due to work stress even though im a normal size UK 12-14.
Other people have made me feel shit in the past, but ive never had it from my folks before, I dont feel like i can talk to them. were not speaking atm cos my mum lied about some apparent argument we had that didnt actually happen. i want to go back to uni but i cant till 18th april.

any advice on how to talk to my folks would be appreciated, i just feel fucking down atm
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 04:59 AM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Cheer Up KuzyIsNo1.......

It's a hard time for all involved. Situations like these take time!

Your Mom sounds like she's having some problems adjusting to your Christmas news. Give her more time. Time can be your best friend during difficult periods in life. Be patient!

Talk to your dad! Talk to them together...TALK...TALK

As for your mom dropping hints about your weight Perhaps she's trying to change the subject. She may feel uncomfortable with you talking about your gf with her. Again.....Give her more time.

You'll be fine!

Don't ever be made to feel ashamed.

Best wishes to you!

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 05:25 AM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

This is the time where you need to give a lot less shit about the people around you. And I don't mean as in neglecting/ignoring your family, but to realize that family members are also deeply flawed, like most people you'll meet, and the most important thing is that you don't need their approval/praise to feel as a worthy person. If your mom is treating you badly on some issues, it's a sign of weakness of herself, and I think you just need to accept it and give her more time, but also always realize that what matters the most is your own opinion about yourself.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 06:31 AM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Ahh, that's really hard. I'm sorry about that.

Did you come out to her by telling her you have a girlfriend? I feel like that's not the best way to do it, maybe, but I don't *know* so...it just seems like it might be easier for her to not take it as seriously, or deal with it, if you don't tell her "I'm a lesbian". And then there's the whole triviality of how people view lesbians..it sucks. Maybe just make her come to terms with it? Sit her down and talk about how sure you are of your sexuality? I just feel like if she has any inkling that this is just a not-serious relationship, it's easy for her to just wait for the "day" when you "get over it". Or something.

Good luck.

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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 09:50 AM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

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Originally Posted by stevos View Post
Ahh, that's really hard. I'm sorry about that.

Did you come out to her by telling her you have a girlfriend? I feel like that's not the best way to do it, maybe, but I don't *know* so...it just seems like it might be easier for her to not take it as seriously, or deal with it, if you don't tell her "I'm a lesbian". And then there's the whole triviality of how people view lesbians..it sucks. Maybe just make her come to terms with it? Sit her down and talk about how sure you are of your sexuality? I just feel like if she has any inkling that this is just a not-serious relationship, it's easy for her to just wait for the "day" when you "get over it". Or something.

Good luck.
True. The word "lesbian" bothers a lot of people but I use a lot instead telling people "I'm gay". Why? It's the only way to give a face to the female side of the gay community. Straight people immediately think of males when the word "gay" comes up and often its a specific type of gay person (draq queen, straight-looking flamer, butch guy who works out a lot). We're a lot more diverse than that and we have ourselves to blame for that image perception.

But back to the OP - I know the pain and frustration you're facing all too well. Unfortunately, you're going to have do a majority of the legwork here. They're not lesbians, they grew up in a different era so you'll have to employ a different tactic with your parents. I would try being as a sincere as possible (taking the pressure off them) i.e. "I know this is very difficult for you". Patience and perseverance will get you thru this. You just have to hold Mom and Dad's hands the whole time. Not matter how dysfunctional, families, in the end, stick together. Good luck!

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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 02:34 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.



It’s probably difficult to give perfect advice cos I thought there were some information gaps in the post (sorry lol), but from the information you gave I’d say this.

I have to ask, could your mom be justified in complaining that you are not spending enough time with her (too much with your girlfriend)? Do you call home when you’re at Uni, do you visit often enough etc? If you do keep regular contact, then your mothers complaints are definitely rooted in insecurity. I couldn’t tell you exactly what it is, but sometimes parents approach children as possessions; something that would be theirs forever. In this case, the idea of you bonding with someone else can become an idea of you leaving her and that can be an unpleasant thing. Even if you don’t keep in regular contact my advice on this issue would be the same. If you can especially while at uni, call her and give her some brief updates (not involving your gf), visit when you can. Not bending over backwards to ease her possible insecurities, but reminding her that having a GF doesn’t mean losing you, that you care. I don’t care, I’m a mommy’s boy so I think it’s just a nice gesture . I think this sort of attention will help the situation all-round. But make sure you’re not bending over backwards, I agree to an extent with what Apoleb said about keeping you as top priority.

About your Dad… considering you’ve told your Mom, and it sounds like you’ve already come out to both your parents (Have you?), I think even just one time it might be a good idea to mention your Girlfriend to him. I suspect as any father would finding out from your mom, and not having anything from you might hurt his feelings. If he has given you reason to suspect that he might be upset about your dating a girl, then you have good reason not to tell him, but if I was in your position I’d mention it. Just slip it into a conversation… “I’m going down to X next weekend with my girlfriend. Mom did tell you about her didn’t she? Well yeah we’re going to X to do XXX” [filling the Xs appropriately lol]. But don’t do it because I say so, you know the situation better than anyone so you know best.

Now, from what you said about your Mom changing the subject when you talk about your GF, it seems to me she isn’t comfortable with it just yet. My mom was the same when I was outed and sort of still is. Is this situation I think it’s better for you not to mention your GF so much to her or your Dad outside of letting him know you have one. I might be misunderstanding your situation completely but… it seems to me that at the root of your feeling down is the discord between your ideal image of the situation; Mom and Dad being happy for you and willing to listen to you discuss your relationship, and the reality; your parents having not adjusted to your having a GF yet. Looking at it this way, the real problem here isn’t your parents, but your ideal/ your expectation.

Sure it’d be nice to have that movie like experience where you can talk with absolute freedom but, even if you can’t the situation is not that bad. You don’t need your parents approval to experience freedom, you don’t need to talk to your mom about things to have a good relationship with your girlfriend. Everyone is different and it might be asking too much of your parents to listen to you go on about your girlfriend. You’ve told them you have a GF and they are still adjusting, - they don’t seem comfortable to have it all up in their face so, give them that space. It’s not an ideal, but it doesn’t seem that bad. Expecting more than this might just be a little unrealistic, but reality could be worse.

About your mom giving you grief about weight, you ca take it a number of ways. It’s her insecurity talking, to which you will have to be the grown up and just brush her comments off (maybe even sit her down and explain how the comments sting – ask her not to). Or she could be in her eyes trying to give you advice to be the best person you can be, but just doesn’t know how. You could again talk to her about her tactics, OR if you yourself want lose weight, using the sting as motivation. It’s not easy but will be of benefit probably in the long run.

Oops I went on a rant… but that’s only because I care . I wish all the best in this situation. All the best
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 03:18 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Just give it some more time. This probably just needs to sink in. If she had major issues with it, the shit would have hit the fan already; ignoring is perhaps painful, but if you give it time I believe that she will learn to accept it. Her love for you will prevail.

As for the weight loss, well, as far as I know a UK size 12-14 is larger than medium. You are not huge by any means, but perhaps your mother wants you to have a healthier lifestyle.

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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 03:44 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KuzyIsNo1 View Post
Other people have made me feel shit in the past, but ive never had it from my folks before, I dont feel like i can talk to them. were not speaking atm cos my mum lied about some apparent argument we had that didnt actually happen. i want to go back to uni but i cant till 18th april.

any advice on how to talk to my folks would be appreciated, i just feel fucking down atm
You have to give her time. It's not easy for them, either, but it doesn't mean they think less of you. They just need to absorb it.


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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 03:45 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

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Originally Posted by CooCooCachoo View Post
Just give it some more time. This probably just needs to sink in. If she had major issues with it, the shit would have hit the fan already; ignoring is perhaps painful, but if you give it time I believe that she will learn to accept it. Her love for you will prevail.

As for the weight loss, well, as far as I know a UK size 12-14 is larger than medium. You are not huge by any means, but perhaps your mother wants you to have a healthier lifestyle.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 04:09 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Actually, sounds fairly typical of parents that have kids that are straight as well. My mother laid the guilt trips on me about spending time with my gf as well when I first started dating in High School. I don't think she was ever really comftrable with her son being with another woman. And my Dad has never, ever been one to go to with in terms of talking to him about anything.
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 04:40 PM
 
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

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Originally Posted by KuzyIsNo1 View Post
Im having problems with my parents and would love your advice please, i know there are quite a few gays here so yey HELP!

Slight backstory-im at uni. the end.
I told my mum i had a girlfriend around christmas time, whenever I come home she makes me feel bad for spending time with my girlfriend, according to her I should be with her instead. She said she would tell my dad i have a gf cos i dont really talk to him about stuff, hes not good with showing his feelings so i dont feel like i can talk to him. But ever since that initial coming out, my mum wont talk to me about the lesbian in me, i keep talking about my gf and i either get silence or she just changes the subject. i have no idea if my dad knows or not.
I know it may take her time to get used to it but shes making me feel ashamed of who i am even though i know there is nothing to be ashamed of. she also keeps dropping hints that im fat now that shes dropped an unhealthy amount of weight due to work stress even though im a normal size UK 12-14.
Other people have made me feel shit in the past, but ive never had it from my folks before, I dont feel like i can talk to them. were not speaking atm cos my mum lied about some apparent argument we had that didnt actually happen. i want to go back to uni but i cant till 18th april.

any advice on how to talk to my folks would be appreciated, i just feel fucking down atm
Seems to me that you're expecting too much of your mother - she may deal with it in time but then again, she may not.

I'm sure the out and proud brigade will give me grief for saying this but, do you really need to keep talking about your girlfriend (or indeed anything about you being gay) with your mother ? I know that, when we're happy, we want to share our life details with those close to us but they don't always want to hear them.

I mean you've already done the hard part - you've told her, she said she'll tell your dad and it's clear she doesn't want to talk about it any further.

You might find your relationship with them improves if you stop mentioning it.

You might feel better too.


Just some food for thought.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 08:49 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

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Originally Posted by Barrie_Dude View Post
Actually, sounds fairly typical of parents that have kids that are straight as well. My mother laid the guilt trips on me about spending time with my gf as well when I first started dating in High School.
I agree with this. Although of course, your being gay complicates the problem. Even people who are not homophobic take a while to get used to the prospect of their children being gay; I'm not sure if your mom falls into that category. I would suggest you lay off the "talking about gf" bit a little. It's difficult because I'm sure you want to share this exciting new development in your life, but you mom doesn't seem to be in a place in her life where she can actively enjoy it with you. So further discussion will only be counterproductive.

Also, you mentioned that your mom is experiencing a lot of stress from work, and that she's lost a lot of weight. This sounds like a time where she needs a lot of support in her life; just check in with her ever so often and make her feel like she matters (most) in your life. As children we always expect our parents to waltz in and solve the problems in your life. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. You've the opportunity to be the bigger person and help your mom out through this difficult phase. Keep your spirits up! You can do it.

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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 25th, 2009, 11:17 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

Jenny I cant really give any advice.. i can just say im so happy you're back.





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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old Mar 26th, 2009, 10:11 PM
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Re: GAYNESS PROBLEM!!! help plz.

did it ever occur to you that she might be having problems aswell??
shes human after all...

cant you put yourself into her position aswell
in her shoes, ask her how her day
was, ask her bout her errands and focus a single day on her
before you blab on bout your gf..

"she also keeps dropping hints that im fat now that shes dropped an unhealthy amount of weight due to work stress even though im a normal size UK 12-14. "
she? or you?

"But ever since that initial coming out, my mum wont talk to me about the lesbian in me,i keep talking about my gf and i either get silence or she just changes the subject. "

Does your mom talk alot about her former bf to you? Come on, do you think that
youre being too hard on your mom talking bout your
gf all the time,
yes we know you love your gf,
yes we know you think shes perfect...
I have a friend who keeps talking bout
a crap game that i dont like, that he loves...
its annoying, i didnt tell him fully, i tried changing
the subjects till we both laugh, with me
ending the conversation "that game sucks"

"I dont feel like i can talk to them."
shes not interested "YET" in your gf, then change the topic
and talk with her something
without bringing your GF in.
and then in time
desensitize the conversation with a FEW bits from your gf
...

start a conversation in the morning
with a big smile on your face
and give them a big hug...
ask them how their sleep was..
tell them that you had a nightmare that you/they died
and you got really scared...
Clean the house,
Wash the Clothes,
Cook...
and tell your mom that youre gf is gonna come for
dinner in a week
of course tell her the a few days after that
nightmare incident!!
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