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post #151 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 8th, 2013, 03:28 PM
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Balltossovic View Post
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother.
...
“I was taking pee and this bullet came out.” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was taking pee and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”
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post #152 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 04:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

A parrot swallows a viagra tab.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off. After 20 minutes, he opens the freezer to see the parrot sweating.

"Why are you sweating?", he asks.

The Parrot replies,"Do u know how fucking hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken!?"


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #153 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 04:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes, and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is okay. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

For best results, put on two coats.


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #154 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 04:46 PM
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Re: Jokes?

Why can't you see transgendered people being parents in real world? Because they are transparent.

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post #155 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 04:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1 000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get Lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the kings underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick.


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #156 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 04:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane, said,
"Good Morning, Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me?"

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday."

And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #157 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 11th, 2013, 06:18 PM
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Re: Jokes?

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post #158 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 15th, 2013, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin,
clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me,
huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'




All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #159 of 179 (permalink) Old Mar 17th, 2013, 05:32 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. "Honey!", she said "you received a very strange post card today."

He said 'just give it to me and I will explain later'. She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti

Three with meatballs, two without...send extra sauce.


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #160 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 16th, 2015, 05:10 AM
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Re: Jokes?

A man wanted to by two parrots. He went to a pet shop near his house where he used to see lots of them. There he said to the seller that he didn't want a couple (male /female) because he didn't want them to procreate. The seller said: "I'll sell you two males". The man bought the two parrots, which looked just like twins.

He was very pleased with them but one day he caught one mounted on the other, fucking. He went with the two parrots back to the pet shop, called the salesman and explained the situation to him.

The seller scratched his had and said: "OK, I make the exchange for you but which of them was in the bottom?". The man said: "That I don't know. I thought you would be able to look better and say.". The seller: "No... - scratches his head again - I have an idea. If you catch them doing again, you imediately grab the one at the bottom and cut the feathers off the top of its head. Then you bring that one here."

The man got back home, waited some days for the situation and eventually caught them. Then he grabbed that parrot, took it to the bathroom, got his beard trimmer and trimmed the parrot's head top. But that was in a friday evening, too late to go to the store. He was about to go out with a friend. So the friend gets by and he says to the friend: "Bro, go to the kitchen and get you anything that I will just brush my teeth, get the car key and we'll leave."

But the parrots at night would be let in the kitchen. The friend noticed the parrots, grabbed a beer can in the refrigerator, opened it and started to drink. He gets closer to the parrots, finds weird that one of them is buzzcutted, gets his eyes closer to them. But the friend is bald and the bald parrot notices that and speaks to him: "Hey, bro. Were you also caught being fucked in the ass?"

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Yes - Present me some evidence or stats which shows the average of warnings Masha has has received per match during her 10 year career - Then you can write something about it - Right now you're only writing bullshit with no facts
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post #161 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 16th, 2015, 06:01 AM
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Re: Jokes?

How did they know the woman who was eaten by a shark had dandruff??

They found her head and shoulders on the beach!!!

Whitney Houston and her receipts:

http://www.tennisforum.com/showthrea...17447&page=324
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post #162 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 16th, 2015, 09:38 AM
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Re: Jokes?

my life

Саша

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jik7TFQMv4A
Can your pussy do the dog?

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post #163 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 16th, 2015, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

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my life
Y u do dis?


All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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post #164 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 17th, 2015, 09:43 AM
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Re: Jokes?

Why did the scarecrow do well in University?

Because he was outstanding in his field.


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post #165 of 179 (permalink) Old Jun 17th, 2015, 02:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Jokes?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Walking Bye View Post
Why did the scarecrow do well in University?

Because he was outstanding in his field.



All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wonder are lost. The old that is strong does not wither, deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall shall be woken, a light from the shadows shall spring. Renewed shall be blade that was broken. The crownless again shall be king
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