Bread Is VERY Dangerous - TennisForum.com
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 07:29 PM Thread Starter
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Bread Is VERY Dangerous

...you were warned

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease,
and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools

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"Progress is a comparative of which we have not settled the superlative." - Chapter 2, Heretics, 1905
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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 07:44 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

You're off your meds again, aren't you?

(thanks for sharing the laugh, though )

Reason is poor propaganda when opposed by the yammering, unceasing lies of shrewd and evil and self-serving men.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:04 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

hehe

well this is silly hehe

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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:07 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous



Seriously though... I've been trying to keep sodium down... and bread has quite a bit of it...




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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:10 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

I actually convinced someone that if they poured diet Coke on a pork chop, the pork chop would move away, as the unseen maggots found in all pork products don't like diet Coke. Really, she fell for it. I told someone that "X" was so gullible that they could give me any legend they wanted off of snopes and she'd fall for it. He did. She totally believes it. $50!!

The problem, she still believes it. Leave it alone or tell her it's not true?

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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:18 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

I guess some people just don't have anything to do...

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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:31 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luís Santos View Post
I guess some people just don't have anything to do...
I know it's lame, but even for a rich person like me, $50 is $50. Also, the sheer joy of conning her was why I really did it.

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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 08:40 PM
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 23rd, 2007, 10:35 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous


We may stumble and fall but shall rise again; it should be enough if we did not run away from the battle.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 12:36 AM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

!
very witty!

i love bread, especially the dark kinds

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 12:40 AM
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 02:17 AM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

Quote:
Originally Posted by lakeway11 View Post
...you were warned

Important Warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease,
and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools

It's coming up to November sweeps... all the local news channels should run special investigative reports about the dangers of buying bread.

"How the bread in your kitchen could be killing you... Find out more tonight at 11" Winner!
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 02:45 AM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

Quote:
Originally Posted by lakeway11
It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.


"Saccharin has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals."

Sure. A large enough dose will kill a baby rhinoceros, too.

Good thing I don't like saccharin.

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The transgression of the wicked saith within my heart, that there is no fear of God before his eyes. Ps. 36:1

The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. Ps. 14:1, 53:1

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction. Prov. 1:7

...Behold, the fear of the LORD, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding. Job 28:28

Last edited by JustineTime; Oct 24th, 2007 at 02:45 AM. Reason: add sentence
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 04:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustineTime View Post


"Saccharin has been proven to cause cancer in laboratory animals."

Sure. A large enough dose will kill a baby rhinoceros, too.

Good thing I don't like saccharin.
yeah, replaced with something REALLY safe...Nutrasweet

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"Power always thinks...that it is doing God's service when it is violating all his laws." –-John Adams

"Progress should mean that we are always changing the world to fit the vision, instead we are always changing the vision." - Orthodoxy, 1908

"Progress is a comparative of which we have not settled the superlative." - Chapter 2, Heretics, 1905
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old Oct 24th, 2007, 04:34 PM
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Re: Bread Is VERY Dangerous

Although this is funny, I have to admit that I have not had white bread in my house for 1.5 months and I haven't felt like this in years.
I've lost a few pounds. I might be sore after playing tennis but the bone and joint pain is gone.

The bread restrictions are really funny.
A bread tax?

This might work for Rachel Ray. With no more toast, she doesn't have to worry about burning it on her show.

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Black head coaches in the SEC=0
Something needs to change.
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