I am so totally depressed right now
I would have myself hospitalized, but I have no medical insurance.
My life has disintegrated to a point where it's barely there.
Nothing makes any sense. I am not eating and I probably sleep close to 16 hours a day. I spend my waking moments high.
Sometimes it feels like depression has come to define my life. I've disappointed myself so many times that I don't even try anymore. At anything. I want to be happy with failure.
Suicidal ideations run through my mind all day. I don't know how I can ever fix myself. I'm so broken that I don't think I can ever live a life I can be happy with.
I know one day I'll smile again. There's a season for everything. If I could kill myself without affecting anyone I would. I want to just disappear into the darkness, but there are a few people who would be traumatized if I did that, and for them I have to stay alive and suffer.
Just a few days ago, it seemed like everything I really wanted was coming together. My dreams could've been a reality, but I put all my eggs in one basket, and that basket was tipped over carelessly by the person holding it.
If I live only for myself, not allowing anyone to affect me, life doesn't seem worth living. If I try to live for others, and open my heart and offer my vulnerability, they betray me, consistently.
I don't know what to do. I want to break down and cry, but I'm so used to pain that I can't even shed a tear.