I just can't handle anymore of this..
I don't really know where to begin, but I'll start anyway.
Me and my mother have never gotten along, but in the past 9 months.. it is literally like a warzone. I cannot describe it in words how bad it is. There are NO happy times or laughing between us. NEVER. It is always arguing & fighting. No exaggeration. Just pure brutality.
I hate to say it like this, but it truly is not my fault. My mother is a diagnosed schizophrenic and has not been on her medication in, oh what'dya know.. 9 MONTHS (the length of time we've really been at each other's necks) You cannot understand how horrible it is. I try to get along with her, and I'd totally be willing to if she would. For instance, this morning I knocked on her door and said "hey boo, ready to start the day?" and she responded in a defensive tone "uh... maybe. why? is there a certain way i'm suppose to approach it?" EVERYTIME. EVERYTIME I talk to her it is something just random & crazy like that. I am a very open-minded and impulsive person.. although I know when to watch what I say, but other than that.. I tell the truth and I express my emotions heavily. I am a very emotional & open person. She doesn't want me to be that. She is a psychotic obsessed Christian and the only thing she knows is God & the Bible. Me, on the other hand, I am completely the opposite. I am very into big cities and shopping, having a few drinks, vacations, traveling, cafes, movies, music, plays, etc.
Last night I asked her which dessert that was on the table was better, the oatmeal cookies or the blueberry muffins. And she hatefully responded "they're the same. it doesn't matter." She is ALWAYS defensive. EVERYTHING. You could be as sweet as you possibly could be, and she'd just answer you rudely.
Another thing is is that she pauses. Yesterday I had to take her to get groceries, so I went into her room saying we needed to be ready to go by 1:10, and it was 12:50.. because I had to have lunch with friends, and she agreed. So at 1:10 I go in there, she is in the exact same position as when I left just standing there. She does this numerous times a day. Just the other day, she did not leave from the same position in her bathroom for over 16 hours. It is absolutely nuts.
She also has this obsessive fixation with the house being SPOTLESS. It can NEVER EVER have anything out of place or she will go ballistic. I can't help but constantly scream at her because I just don't want to give into her crazy antics. I'm afraid it will brainwash me. So I stick for what I believe in.
I personally don't think I've gone into the "crazy" part enough, because that's what it all is about. She always tells me I'm going to Hell if I don't change my evil ways and that I work for the Devil.
In the past 3 days, I have reached points farther than I have ever wanted to go. I am getting so close to just slapping her or hurting her somehow.. but I just don't and cant. But alot of things in the house have been broken in the past 6 months, but as I say, it's better to hit the floor with a glass vase than her face, because that is exactly where it would go if I didn't throw it down.
The thing is, I am such a nice and happy person.. and I never have or wanted to feel this way. But you can only be pushed so far until you reach a breaking point.. she's totally turned my happy & fun-loving soul into an angry-hateful resentful one. I hate her for that.
I just can't escape it. We are so dependent on each other (she doesn't drive, so I have to take her whenever she needs to go.. what a great life for a teen) and if I don't do as she pleases, she won't buy me food or medication for my illness.
Just think of Carrie White's mother (from the 1978 Classic Carrie) to abit lesser extent. And for the arguing, if you've ever seen The Surreal Life 5 with Omarosa & Janice Dickinson, think that multiplied by five. I have such a hatred for her.. I say such mean things and I just want her to cry or feel hurt by it.. but she doesn't. She has no feelings or emotions because of the fact that she's been off her meds for so long. I just want her to see how much I hate her right now.
It isn't just at home that this affects me, obviously it follows me around. It is not good to be constantly stressed, it takes a huge toll on your body and takes alot of time to recover from and I actually have a adrenal gland disorder (from being under stress for so long) and I have to slowly build them back up to get back to healthy conditions, but I can't when I'm in constant battle with my mother.
I just don't see why I have to go through this. This has happened when I was 10 years old and I literally had to sit there and feed her like a baby because she would not eat and she would not talk. The only noises she'd make were grunts, and motioning to her mouth that she was hungry. I'd have to cook and put a spoon in her mouth for her to eat. Not to mention the times she would call random people saying there were police men outside of her window stalking her, watching her get dressed. I had to stay with numerous family members for months at a time.
I just really hate her right now, and I just had to let this all out. I've kept it in for way too long and I am really at a breaking point. I'm not even going to my Graduation, I'm just going to get my diploma and leave the day after. That's how horrible this is. Oh well, 2 more weeks.. and once I leave, I'm not getting in contact with her again until she is on her medication & being normal, if ever.
Last edited by Perfection; May 1st, 2006 at 02:05 AM.