This thread is made in honour of !<bloc_party>!, exoneuk and Pdm1987. You don't need to know why, so keep quiet
Here you must come in and tell hilarious jokes that will make us laugh until we wet our panties.
Here are my three jokes, which are naturally...Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman jokes
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were holdaying in South America, and were in a bar. They noticed a pot of money in the corner, and asked the barman what it was there for. "Well", said the barman, "that is there fore the taking for anyone that can..."
"Firsty, drink a full bottle of tequila in 2 minutes"
"Secondly, to go into that box over there, where there is a lion inside, and pull a thorn from the lion's foot"
"Finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman".
"What happens if we fail?", they enquired. "If you fail and survive", the barman said, "you'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe".
Despite all the risks, they all said that they would try it. The Englishman goes first and after only half of the bottle of Tequila, he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold to the local tribe.
The Scotsman was next, he downs the tequila in a minute and staggers over to the lion cage. The door is closed behind him, and there is a quick scream as he is quickly eaten alive by the lion.
The Irishman is next, he drinks the tequila easily enough, and staggers towards the lion's den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are spinecurdling screams and yells coming from the cage. It lasts all of ten minutes. There was lots of banging against he sides of the box, and then silence
The Irishman emerges, torn and bloody and battered. "Right! now!" he says, "where is that lady with the thorn in her foot?"
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are playing golf and have taken along their wives to be caddies. While walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped over, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head and revealed that she wasn't wearing any knickers!
The Englishman was furious and stormed over to demand a reason for such a state of undress. "Well, dear, you give me so little allowance that I have to sacrifice some things. Usually no one notices!" The Englishman puts his hand in his pocket and gives her ten pounds. "Go to Marks and Spencer's and get some knickers"
A couple of holes further along the Irishman's wife tripped on a molehill, lost her balance and fell in a heap on the ground, and again her skirt was over her head and yes, she had no knickers either!
The Irishman was naturally livid and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarmants. "Well, darling, you give me such a small allowance that I can't afford to buy any undergarmants". With that the Irishman dug his hand in his pockets and gave her five pounds. "Here, go to Woolworths and get some knickers"
Another three holes along, the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped over and landed in a pile on the ground, with her skirt over head, revealing that she wore no knickers!
Her explanation was the same as the Englishman's wife and the Irishman's wife. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scotsman thrust his hand in his pocket and produced a comb: "Here's a comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman are at a fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old lady steps in front of them..."This is a magical ride", she says, "You will land in whatever you should on the way down"
"I'm game for this!" yells the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!!!!!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he was surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and slides down the helter-skelter, and yells "SILVER!!!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coins than he could carry
The Irishman goes last, launches off the top of the slide, shouting "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!"