Hey, here's a list of Oboe jokes I found on my harddrive from a website which I've lost the address of now. They are scaringly true. You won't understand them unless you're an oboist though.
-What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
...A bad oboist can kill you.
-What's the similarity between a family reunion and an oboe solo?
...You know they are both coming and there is not a damn thing you can do about it
-There was a band directer who had a gun with two bullets. there was an oboe player, trumpet player, and bassoon player. Who did he shoot?
...The oboe player; Twice, just to make sure.
-What's the difference between an oboist and a psychiatric ward patient?
...The oboist just hasn't been caught yet
-Did you hear about the successful hunter's secret to attracting so many ducks?
...He paid an oboe player to go along with him and play.
-What's the difference between an oboe playing in tune and Star Trek?
...Star Trek could actually happen one day.
-What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
...No one crys when an oboe gets chopped up.
*ReAsOnS tO pLaY tHe ObOe*
-The way people look at you when you tell them you play oboe.
-The ever-so-wanted nickname of 'hobo'
-"No, its not a clarinet"
-You like being special.
-When you're swabbing it out you can pull on your swab really hard so that it flings into the person's face who's beside you and go "Oops, sorry, It got stuck."
-"You play WHAT?! an elbow?!"
-Since theres only one or two more of you, you get really close with the other oboe players.
-Because you like to be the unsung hero of the band.
-The director always pays attention to you because your always so out of tune.
-If you want more attention, all you have to do is sqwak on your reed. Double bonus if you have more than one reed in your mouth at the same time.
-Because you will know more about oboe than your band director usually.
-The excuses of "my reed is broken" or "sorry, new reed".
-You can make it sound like one of those big trucks backing up and annoy the heck out of your parents.
-You can play it at 7 on saturday morning n see how many people get out of bed to yell at you.
-It's funny to see how many times each oboist can knock over another oboist's reed water.
-You can walk through places where theres non-band people with your reed in your mouth and listen to people ask each other "is she SMOKING?!"
-You can make the walls move. Just play really high notes when you have a stuffy nose.
-You can hide it in your backpack on band trips and then give your band director a heart attack when you tell her that you forgot it on the grass in front of the school.
-You will always win those contests where you see who can play the longest with only using one breath. (My record is 1.37 minutes.)
-It looks better on your resume for "What do you do in your spare time?" than 'play my air guitar'.
-You get to sit beside the flute section and make comments on how they have a real attitude problem.
-You can be over-protective of it without people thinking that you're too strange.
-The case doubles as a thing to throw at your older brother the next time he starts to throw shoes at you (I recommend that you remove your oboe before you throw it)
-If you lose your music, you can look off the flutes'.
-People pay attention to you long enough to figure out what the heck that thing is you're playing.
-You can always hide in the clarinet section if you dont feel like playing.
-No one cares if you're not heard.
-You always get your own stand.
-Its fun to stick your oboe under your armpit in the winter to keep it warm.
-Its even funner to slurp spit out of your oboe.
-Whenever theres a hard part in a piece, you can begin messing with your reed as if there's a problem with it that's keeping you from playing.
-You usually get a good seat in band.
-It gives you a great sense of pride to look at the carpet where all the oboists sit and see all the water stains
Personally, I think it takes a certain kind of person to play oboe. Many beginning oboe-ers realize that the instrument they chose is incredibly complicated. Many quit. Hence, the oboe population is quite low. Most oboists love their oboe. We are forced to be in pit, play a diff instrument, or be in colorguard for marching season. It aint fair. Most oboists are devoted to practicing and they enjoy doing it. If they dont, they suck. Ha. Sucking up spit from inside their oboe is a fun habit. Especially for those who like to do it during rests where everyone can hear them. Oboists share a bond with their oboes. We usually swab our instruments out alot because theres nothing worse than playing on a spitty-oboe. Theres so many little parts on an oboe so its hard to know whats broken. Mr Kessler is good at finding these problems. He likes to always tell you that when your oboe is broke, that its the worst thing hes ever seen just so you feel bad. Yeah. Ive got him figured out. I once cracked my oboe in half. Not just cracked it, but cracked in HALF. Like in TWO pieces. I think i am still scarred for like from that. I havent let it go yet. You just cant let something like that go. Im still saddened from that. Moving on....oboe reeds are also another issue. I used to be really bad with these. Like I would break mine every week. Sometimes twice a week. The reeds never even got a chance to get out of its "new-reedness". If my family ever goes poor, I will feel bad cuz its probably cuz they had to spend so much money on new reeds while I was in 7th and 8th grade. I will say though, that my favorite reed right now is about 3 months old. i LoVe it. When it breaks, Im going to slip into a deep depression. You just wait. Dont knock over an oboists' reed water. Only us oboists are allowed to do that to each other. I dont think its fair that oboes are never included specifically in anything. (i.e. "Flutes, nice transition. Saxes, theres a ritard there. Trumpets, your speeding. Drummers, your not even playing. Tuba, stop talking to yourself. Clarinets, check your reeds. Bass clarinet, wake up. Bassoon, nice job on leading the low section. Trombones, stop spraying your spit valves on the flute section. Baritone, thats a 'B' FLAT.) uhhh. hello? the OBOE??????????????????????? Yeah, we're used to being the forgotten people. Until you join orchestra woodwinds a.k.a. chamber ensemble. The whole orchestra tunes to YOU. And all of a sudden, youre cared about. *psh*. Get oboists together and we almost always have a blast no matter what we're doing. We can dance during rests. We're good at that Oboe reed water is nasty. It should not come into contact with any living being. Nope. Oboists are excluded from many band things. We cant be in marching, jazz, or pep band. Occassionally, we feel like lost puppys on the outside lookin in. But we can entertain ourselves by learning to play Jingle Bells on our reeds. Once you learn to love your oboe, you will always love it. What am I rambling on about? I dont know. But every other oboist out there,....yeah. You know what this is all about. ***
-"uhm. it was the reed. its new, ya see."
-"my oboe. its my oboe." ::repeat this over and over with while looking at your oboe as in disbelief::
-"i didnt have enough time to soak my reed!"
-"thats the way its supposed to sound!"
-"the trombonist knocked my water over so i couldnt soak my reed."
-"its cold outside, and on my way to class, my oboe froze in the case. its thawing as we speak."
-"i call it......*improvisation*"
oint to any part of the oboe:: "its not moving the way its supposed to! look!"
.:* I WiSh *:.
~I wish I had known that plastic oboe reeds are not reeds at all. They are the spawns of Satan.
~I wish I had known that no matter how hard I will practice, I will still sound like a duck.
~I wish I had known that you have to stick your oboe under your armpits in cold weather outdoors.
~I wish I would have known that oboe players are all insane.
~I wish I would have known I will never be noticed, besides being made fun of.
~I wish I would have known that I will be seing plently of birds and ducks outside of the band room because of the oboe.
~I wish I would have known no matter how perfect I sound practicing my audition at home, how perfectly my oboe was working, when Audition Time finally rolls around, everything you worked hard for crashes and burns around you.
~I wish I would have known that I will have the same kind of personality and behavior as the other oboists.
~I wish I would have known you cant dangle the ball chains on your swab and pray that they'll slide down the hole.
~I wish I would have known that my nicknames will all be variations of the infamous "hobo".
~I wish I would have known that the director will always like the oboists and everyone else will make fun of you for that.
~I wish I would have known how much I will come to love that little ducky instrument we call the oboe.