Freehold, Iowa- Complete shock filled the Landover Baptist main sanctuary last Sunday as Pastor Deacon Fred revealed in graphic detail, decadent hidden sexual messages in the popular cartoon series, Sponge Bob, Square Pants™. Mrs. Ida Denkins, who was seated in the first pew, fainted in the middle of the presentation and had to be rushed to Landover Baptist Hospital. Church usher, Bob Halburg, had an immediate reaction to the slide show that went straight to his stomach. He vomited so forcefully that pieces of his steaming breakfast were sprayed across nearly 15 pews. All total, at least two-dozen church members became physically ill after being exposed to the disgusting garbage that Hollywood is pumping into our children’s heads.
“I found out about this disgusting little yellow cartoon character, quite by accident,” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “I was laying on the couch with my grandson, and must have fallen asleep, so he was unmonitored in front of the television set. When I woke up, my head had leaned back over the side of the couch. My neck was craned in such a way that I was looking at the television set upside down. I reacted immediately to what I saw there, and was able to flip over and grab my grandson by his hair and fling him across the room, thankfully, knocking him unconscious long enough for me to get to the remote control and switch back to Fox news, where they were showing Godly footage of our Christian troops blowing up ignorant Arabiacs. I have no idea how much mental damage my grandson suffered while he was exposed to that cartoon show while I was asleep, but I’ll tell you what, I won’t hesitate to sue the bastards that put this junk on TV if we find out anything happened to my grandson!”
Pastor explained to the congregation that he ordered a team of Creation Scientists, led by Dr. Jonathan Edwards, to spare no expense on opening up a full investigation into the lewd cartoon character, Sponge Bob, Square Pants™. “I ordered our Christian team not to stop their investigation until they pulled out every single lewd, disgusting, sexual reference in the cartoon,” said Pastor.
The two-hour slide presentation seen on Sunday morning was the result of an investigation that lasted nearly six months. The full findings of that investigation cannot be revealed on this public web site, since there is currently a pending lawsuit between the Landover Baptist Church and the Nickelodeon Channel. We can however, say that most of what we found is too shocking for words. Innocent little Christian children might be reading this article and they should not be exposed to the decadent smut of Sponge Bob, Square Pants™, anymore than they already have been.
“From what we’ve found,” says Dr. Edwards, “is that we have what appears to be a little yellow sponge that talks like a pervert. When you turn it upside down, there are two unmistakable testicles and a semi-erect penis hanging from its face. Thank Jesus that children are not watching this program standing on their heads, or we’d all be in trouble.” Dr. Edwards also revealed that the entire cartoon series has houses, plants, animals, and demon-like creatures (most of which are shaped like sex organs) floating around, talking nonsense. “One purple penis shaped creature even moans and giggles uncontrollably whenever he sees one of his ‘pals,’ like he is secretly masturbating himself to them.” Click here to listen, if you don’t believe it!
“As True Christians™, what we find most frightening is that for the most part, the majority of sex organs we’ve found in the cartoon, can only be seen upside down,” continued Dr. Edwards. We played several sound tracks for the show backwards as well, and it’s all demon talk.” True Christians™ know that one of Satan’s favorite ways of communicating to his followers is to do things backwards, and upside down. “We know this from our studies of Satanism, but we had no idea that it was being used in the media – especially in children’s cartoons.”
“Is it okay for a person to take off their pants and walk around upside down so that his penis and testicles look like his nose and eyes? NO! So why should we allow a cartoon character to do the same thing while standing right side up? It’s ludicrous!” said Pastor Deacon Fred. “There is no doubt that we need to put a stop to this so-called, Sponge Bob, and his Square Penis. If we don’t, we'll soon be coming home to houses full of children, stripped of their clothes, hand walking around the living room spitting gibberish! We’ve already got our lawyers preparing a lawsuit.”
Sponge Bob Spermy Pants