Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f*cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs
If you are ever stuck for your out of office:
For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply
1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed in preparation for my promotion to management.
5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 10/18. Please be patient and your mails
will be deleted in the order they were received.
6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each word thereafter.
7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals actually did this over and over).
8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 10 weeks, if I am still around then.
9: Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
10: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
11: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
12: I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
13: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil.
"You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said
"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said........... "Ok Monica, you're free to go"