Fantastic satire piece on the election!Must ee for all sane posters! (Non republican) - TennisForum.com
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 04:11 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
Fantastic satire piece on the election!Must ee for all sane posters! (Non republican)

This is a pretend concession speech by Adam Felber,NPR comedian and author of one of my favorite political blogs. He's been jokingly referring to his candidacy for years now, and this about sums up my feelings about the election better than anything I've seen so far.

>The transcription is below, but if you're interested
>the blog is:

>
http://felbers.net/mt/

Concession Speech

>[Former candidate Felber, flanked by his family and supporters, steps

>up to the podium in the bright autumn sunlight. Cheers and applause are

>heard.]

>

>

>My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have

>spoken, and spoken with a clear voice. So I am here to

>offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of

>garments]

>

>I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.

>Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue,

>you saw fit to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really

>special. And I mean "special" in the sense that we use

>it to describe those kids who ride the short school

>bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating

>pudding with rubber spoons. That kind of special.

>

>I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's

>pretty powerful stuff, and I di dn't see it. So let me

>take a moment to congratulate the President's

>strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on

>the ballot in various swing states like Ohio... well,

>that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a certain

>kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number

>of folks who showed up and cited "moral values" as

>their biggest issue, those people changed history. The

>folks who consider same sex marriage a more important

>issue than war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd

>have thought the election would belong to them? Well,

>Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that.

>[Boos.] Now, now. Credit where it's due.

>

>I concede that I put too much faith in America's

>youth. With 8 out of 10 of you opposing the President,

>with your friends and classmates dying daily in a war

>you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to

>pay for rich old peoples' tax breaks, you somehow

>managed to sit on your asses and w atch the Cartoon

>Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the

>day. You voted with the exact same anemic percentage

>that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do.

>[Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.

>

>There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that

>now is the time for healing, to bring the nation

>together. Let me tell you a little story. Last night,

>I watched the returns come in with some friends here

>in Los Angeles. As the night progressed, people began

>to talk half-seriously about secession, a red state /

>blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue

>states produce the vast majority of the wealth in this

>country and pay the most taxes, and you in the red

>states receive the majority of the money from those

>taxes while complaining about 'em. We in the blue

>states are the only ones who've been attacked by

>foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung

>ho to fight a war in our name. We in the blue states

>produce the entertainment that you consume so greedily

>each day, while you in the red states show open

>disdain for us and our values. Blue state civilians

>are the actual victims and targets of the war on

>terror, while red state civilians are the ones

>standing behind us and yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it

>on!"

>

>More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that

>Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. I'm

>impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and daughters

>who might die in this war know it's not true, the

>people in the urban centers where al Qaeda wants to

>attack know it's not true, but those of you who are at practically no

>risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my concession

>speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.

>

>Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the

>people who subsidize you, the people who speak in

>glowing and respectful terms abo ut the heartland of

>America while that heartland insults and excoriates

>us... we wanted some healing. We spoke loud and clear.

>And you refused to give it to us, largely because of

>your high moral values. You knew better: America

>doesn't need its allies, doesn't need to share the

>burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't need

>to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got

>a human shield of pointy-headed, atheistic,

>unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay

>the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a

>vote that we can never have. Because we're "morally

>inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect your

>values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is

>that for 20 years, we've done just that.

>

>It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a

>joke all the same.

>

>Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury -

>as well as conceding the election today, I am also

>announcing m y candidacy for President in 2008. [Wild applause,

>screams, chants of "Fel-ber! Fel-ber!] Thank you.

>

>And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next

>time, there will be no pandering. This time I will run

>with all the open and joking contempt for my opponents

>that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of

>liberty, the Ivy League intellectuals, the "media

>elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This time I will

>not pretend that the simple folk of America know just

>as much as the people who devote their lives to

>serving and studying the nation and the world. They

>don't.

>

>So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008,

>America. I'm talking to you, you ignorant, slack-jawed

>yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you

>redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads.

>Vote for me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help

>your smug, sorry asses. Vote Felber in '08! Than k you, and may

>God, if he does in fact exist, bless each and every

>one of you.

>

>[Tumultuous cheers, applause, and foot-stomping. PULL

>BACK to reveal the rest of the stage, the row of

>cameras, hundreds of unoccupied chairs, and the empty

>field beyond.]


Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 04:12 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
Fucking brilliant!!

This gives hope to us in the rest of the world asking 'how could america do it'?

Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 04:33 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
40% of Bush voters still think Hussein and 9/11 have a connection...Now you know why so many people from outside USA really do see small town americans as one hell of a stupid, uneducated group of people.

Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:01 AM
Senior Member
 
Crazy Canuck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Munchkin Land
Posts: 28,490
                     
Cute. I was amused for the 20 seconds or so that it took to skim it.

However, Czechfan, just remember that stupid, uneducated people exist everywhere... not just in small town USA, but in my backyard and yours
Crazy Canuck is offline  
post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:07 AM
Senior Member
 
Bacardi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Raccoon City's Hive
Posts: 14,737
                     
Thank you Czechfan, I enjoyed that.

I had a discussion similar to a large part of what that speech was about the other day. I pity those people in NY and CA and the larger urban areas that voted for Kerry. Because it is true, those are the states that are attacked the most, and yet they had the good common sense enough to demand a change. Too bad the rest of the country couldn't do that. I would hope if there was going to be a terrorist attack in the future, it's right at the white house or maybe on a ranch in Texas. But that's only wishful thinking.

I really enjoyed the post thou Czechfan!

I'm BACK & SINGLE. So lock up all the hotties!
Bacardi is offline  
post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:08 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
Thanks for the lecture Crazy Canuck But imo they are more numerous in small town america.

Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:09 AM
Senior Member
 
Bacardi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Raccoon City's Hive
Posts: 14,737
                     
I wonder if someone went and started proclaiming that God talked to them, and managed to fake some miracles like walking on plexi glass placed over water. And told the public, while writing a book God told them to overthrow Bush, or we're all going to hell, if that would do any good?

Cuz you know, those bible thumpers are about as dumb as a bag of rocks.

I'm BACK & SINGLE. So lock up all the hotties!
Bacardi is offline  
post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:09 AM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
bacardi - BTW - Love your signature

Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:12 AM
Senior Member
 
Bacardi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Raccoon City's Hive
Posts: 14,737
                     
Czechfan. Apparently here in the USA, even if you knocked half the workers out of their jobs, cost them their retirement social security, and sent their kids off to die in the war, as long as you were opposed to Gay marriage, abortion, and said 'God' was on your side, you'd be elected.

I wonder how long before those small town people in Ohio figure out that morals isn't going to be putting food on the table once they are all laid off?

I'm BACK & SINGLE. So lock up all the hotties!
Bacardi is offline  
post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:12 AM
Senior Member
 
Crazy Canuck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Munchkin Land
Posts: 28,490
                     
Being extremely religious and being intelligent are not mutually exclusive, you know.
Crazy Canuck is offline  
post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:17 AM
Senior Member
 
Bacardi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Raccoon City's Hive
Posts: 14,737
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazy Canuck
Being extremely religious and being intelligent are not mutually exclusive, you know.
True, but if you get any of those Christian TV Channels up in Canada you'd laugh about what I was saying. Do you get TBN? Or that Pat Robertson guy? Both of them were blaming Kerry for, basically the end of the world. And people went out and voted as they were told. This entire Christian thing is out of hand. I think that movie 'The Passions' had a lot to do with it. Ever since then, I can't go anywhere without someone pushing religion down my throat. We'd be better off if it wasn't allowed on TV, theatres, or anything else.

I'm BACK & SINGLE. So lock up all the hotties!
Bacardi is offline  
post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 05:29 AM
Senior Member
 
Justeenium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: I paid$$ to get unbanned
Posts: 1,733
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Czechfan
40% of Bush voters still think Hussein and 9/11 have a connection...Now you know why so many people from outside USA really do see small town americans as one hell of a stupid, uneducated group of people.
hmmmm, why was Iraq forced to pay the families of 9/11 compensation in a legal suit brought in the United States and upheld in the world court in Brussels?
Justeenium is offline  
post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 06:56 AM
Senior Member
 
Crazy Canuck's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Munchkin Land
Posts: 28,490
                     
Crazy Canuck is offline  
post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 08:45 PM Thread Starter
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: sydney
Posts: 6,145
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Justeenium
hmmmm, why was Iraq forced to pay the families of 9/11 compensation in a legal suit brought in the United States and upheld in the world court in Brussels?
Thats a good question..

But why have Rumsfeld and Bush both been forced into retractions about whether Hussein had connections with Al Queda?

Are you on of the 40%??? Fucking laughing my ass off at you on that one.

Of even more significance, there's this little gap in Graf's resume the size of the hole in the ozone layer: It's called Monica Seles. Was Graf the best female player of all time? She wasn't even the best in the heart of her career.
- Frank Deford, Sports Illustrated 27/8/01
Philbo is offline  
post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old Nov 8th, 2004, 10:04 PM
Senior Member
 
Justeenium's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: I paid$$ to get unbanned
Posts: 1,733
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Czechfan
Thats a good question..

.
But you didn't answer it
Quote:
But why have Rumsfeld and Bush both been forced into retractions about whether Hussein had connections with Al Queda?
the government has to go by what the government says (9/11 report)
and you forgot Cheney.

Quote:
Are you on of the 40%??? Fucking laughing my ass off at you on that one
I'm not saying Hussein was or was not behind it. Don't jump to conclusions asshat.
Justeenium is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TennisForum.com forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Image Verification
Please enter the six letters or digits that appear in the image opposite.

Registration Image

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome