Subject: Home Office Response to US Election Result. -
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old Nov 4th, 2004, 01:36 PM Thread Starter
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Subject: Home Office Response to US Election Result.

(Disclaimer:it's a joke people no need to get offended)
Subject: Home Office Response to US Election Result.
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium".
Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will
Learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old
enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have
chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English
accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class
twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents -
Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be
broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions,
you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire
in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and
Watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't
cope with the humour of occasional political
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused
and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football".
There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as
American "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed
to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is
not reasonable to host an event called the 'World
Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders"
which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The
97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde"
Is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry
guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.
Because we don't believe you are sensible enough
To handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in
England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are
cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you
German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries
aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you
(including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut
and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment
to chips is beer which should be served warm and
flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per
cup will be added to all tea made within the
Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for
Tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From
November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known
and accepted provenance will be referred to as
"Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer"
will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine", with the exception of the product of the
American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the
last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be
sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol
(or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep
calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the
Former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking
to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will
Be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.

They're coming to get you Barbara!
rand is offline  
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old Nov 4th, 2004, 02:22 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: b/n 1 & 3
Posts: 3,628
I read this four years ago for the last election. It was funny then, but now I wish it was true. j/k
Hulet is offline  

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