This just in
THIS JUST IN...
Kerry Saves Busload of Blind Orphans...
Bush's Lead Widens!!!
by Steve Young
Sept. 27, 2004 -- HOLLYWOOD (apj.us) -- In what seems like another in a string of bad luck moves by the hapless Democratic candidate during a standard mundane stump speech in Tuscaloosa, John Kerry shocked the napping crowd by jumping into raging Mississippi River flood waters to pull fifty-five blind orphans and all but one of their seeing-eye dogs out of their sinking buses.
In poll taken by Harris, Gallup and USA Today thirty-five seconds after the rescue, 62% of likely voters found that Kerry's heroism was "too showy."
Republicans were quick to jump on the incident.
"First he doesn't save a busload of blind orphans, then he does," drolled Vice President Dick Cheney. "This guy can't make up his mind."
"A hero?" asked House Majority leader Tom DeLay. "Ask the kid whose dog he chose to leave behind."
A FOX News Opinion Dynamics Poll revealed the 89% of their viewers believe that there was a direct link between blind orphans drowning and Kerry.
"Kerry's an opportunist," claimed a former blind orphan not on the bus. "He's probably planning to become a Supreme Court justice after he serves as president, and knew saving those kids would become a plus during confirmation."
The ill-fated Kerry offered his supporters little encouragement: "I'm just gonna f$#@ing shoot myself."
"Shooting himself just reaffirms my beliefs that what I never actually saw in Viet Nam was in fact the truth," said Unfit for Command co-author John O'Neill.
A poll taken by Pew Research was found inadmissible as most voters likely to answer their survey couldn't stop laughing when told who the pollsters worked for.
In other news, 19,000 US troops were killed by a roadside mine just outside Baghdad, clinching the presidential election for Bush.
Okay, I made up that whole story.
I'm a satirist. It's what I do.
But Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are not -- and for that, Kerry cannot win for losing.
Kerry volunteers for Viet Nam and one of the most dangerous wartime missions... as a Swift Boat captain. He's attacked for being an opportunist; a man who put his life in jeopardy in an treacherous war so that he could run for president thirty-five years later.
He gets wounded three times while serving our country and is castigated for not being wounded badly enough.
The National Guard gives Bush an honorable discharge and talk radio says that alone should prove his honorable service.
The Navy says that Kerry's medals were legitimate and talk radio brings on the "Swift Boat Veterans for Truth" gang to say that it sounds fishy.
Kerry saves a fellow soldier in the middle of enemy fire and is ripped because he only saved him after he came back for that soldier. I still can't figure out what part of that one was bad... but that doesn't matter. It stuck.
John Kerry voted for an $87 billion bill, then, when the bill's provisions are modified (in other words, made into a different bill), he stands up for his beliefs and votes against it. And he's a flip-flopper.
John Kerry has become the poster boy for being the target of the most insidious mangling of logic since pineapple landed on a pizza. If you tried any of Republican/talk radio twisted-logic attacks in a high school debate, you'd be thrown off the team. In politics, you might be elected president.
Kerry volunteers for Viet Nam, he's an opportunist.
Bush slides past a few thousand less advantaged boys into the National Guard, cutting out early to work in the foxholes of a political campaign, and he's served honorably.
And it's spread to the liberal media.
Dan Rather uses defective information on a story that's basically true -- and the Lords of Loud demands his resignation.
George Bush uses defective information hurling us into a war where thousands are killed and tens of thousands are injured, then doesn't fire one person -- and he's called unwavering! Loyal! A "War President!"
Over sixty percent of FOX News viewers think Saddam Hussein had something to do with the attacks of September 11th, 2001 -- yet Bill O'Reilly says that FOX News is the only place to get the real story.
Kerry wants to focus tax cuts to the middle class and the Karl-Rove-fed band of Limbaugh wannabes call it class warfare.
Bush gives a huge preponderance of tax money back to the top one percent and the federal deficit gets a tumor the size of Texas -- and Hannity diatribes Bush's brilliant handling of the economy.
It's all about the Lords of Loud technique of forgetting to tell us -- pardon moi, Mr. Paul Harvey -- the rest of the story.
Bush and Hannity say job growth has been the best in over twenty years, but forget to mention that we lost so many jobs during Bush's term that any growth at all would spike the percentages inordinately (i.e. 100 jobs increased by 10 = 10% / 10 jobs increased by 10 = 100%).
Hannity tells us household statistics are more indicative of job growth than Bureau of Labor payroll statistics because it shows the "entrepreneurial spirit" of self-employment and small business startups, but forgets that the great percentage of those jobs lose money and over 85% of them go out of business in the first year -- and also forgets that those "jobs" can be anything from licking envelopes to using wet sponges to seal envelopes, and when they go under those left unemployed will not be qualified for unemployment and therefore NOT COUNTED as unemployed! Therefore, they too will be forgotten.
The Iraqi Health Ministry reports that twice as many Iraqis, most of them civilians, are dying as a result of operations by US that are being killed in attacks by insurgents and Kerry says we screwed up postwar Iraq. He's called non-supportive of our soldiers.
Bush and the Lords of Loud say things are getting better in Iraq. If things get any better the whole place will probably get nuked!
Kerry calls Saddam "a brutal dictator who deserves his own special place in hell," and adds, "the satisfaction we take in his downfall does not hide this fact: we have traded a dictator for a chaos that has left America less secure."
Bush twists that comment into a speech but spins it as Kerry "would prefer the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein to the situation in Iraq today."
No matter what the truth really is, what talk radio says to its listeners becomes a new and better truth... for Bush. Can you say Jabberwocky? Bet you a thousand coffins that we're not allowed to see that Bush can't.
The point is, no matter what Kerry says, those who have control of the microphone will turn it into a unsubstantiated, blasphemous, anti-American piece of indecision.
If the American voter doesn't start paying attention to how they're being played for suckers, they'll be reelecting a president based on half the truth. And, of course, that's no truth at all.
Is anyone listening?! I'm afraid so.
Steve Young, political editor of National Lampoon and the creative force behind National Lampoon's MoveOnPlease.org, is also the author of "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful" and "Winchell Mink...The Misadventure Begins" (Harper Collins), and writes about politics for AlbionMonitor.net and AmericanPolitics.com.
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Funny, but sad-- unfortunately, this is truly how the republicans think