how do u comfort someone who's grieving? - TennisForum.com
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:40 PM Thread Starter
country flag SJW
Senior Member
 
SJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Allez
Posts: 11,016
                     
how do u comfort someone who's grieving?

i've been lucky when losing people close to me and i pray to God things continue to be the same for as long as possible. i moved school for my final few years and there was this girl who immediately made me feel welcome as everyone there knew everyone else and had done for years. we have a lot in common, and even found out our moms went to anti-natal group together. we're about 2 weeks apart in terms of age, and always chat and go out and about together....

i just found out her mom died yesterday and i really don't know what to do, if i should go and see her tomorrow or let her grieve in peace or if i do go and see her, what to say, how to act etc...can someone please help?

thanks in advance

SJW
SJW is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:44 PM
Guest
 
*JR*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: On the Peace Train
Posts: 34,247
                     
How well did you know her mother?
*JR* is offline  
post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:47 PM
Tart with a Heart
 
JonBcn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 15,746
                     
I'm sorry for you; I'm in the same position myself at the moment and its quite difficult. It would say just dont impose yourself on her, but let her know that you're there if she needs you. Does she have a big close family? If so, maybe its a bit early to go, but if she is alone, get round there with a "I'll not stay, but I wanted want to check tha you're alright and see if there was anything I could do...?" Maybe she wont want to see you, but she'll certainly appreciate the gesture.

~ gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mongrel mind ~
JonBcn is offline  
post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:49 PM
YOU'RE WELCOME!
 
Snuffkin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Florida with my baguette
Posts: 6,880
                     
Well, I have to start with one thing - the fact that you've posted here obviously shows you care so you're going right for a start.

With grief, it's often a very personal thing. Some people withdraw totally and refuse to have contact with others and some people need people around them. It's very personal.

I know it's probably terribly hackneyed to say it, but if it bothers you, just go and see her and tell her that you're there for her should she need. It's difficult not to act differently so part of me wants to say to you not to put pressure on yourself by restricting your behaviour. Sure, be compassionate and don't crack jokes, but don't restrict yourself to the stage that you stop being yourself.

Be there should she need and keep in contact with her and let her come round in time. I think just being there is the main thing. Even if it's only a phone call every other day or whatever (depending on how often you normally talk), just let her know you care. But I figure you're already there by asking this.


I've never been to Cuba
Snuffkin is offline  
post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
country flag SJW
Senior Member
 
SJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Allez
Posts: 11,016
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by JollyRoger
How well did you know her mother?
not very but my mom did.
SJW is offline  
post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:52 PM
Senior Member
 
BritneySpearsIsHot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Detective Land
Posts: 13,210
                     
Time/Space/Support

Been through same myself with lots of deaths and it's hardened me big time to the brink of being harsh and very cold/heartless when had i been given time/space/support i would have pulled through on the right side

Now i'm just a psycho..........apparently

Just give them those 3 things and they'll pull through
BritneySpearsIsHot is offline  
post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
country flag SJW
Senior Member
 
SJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Allez
Posts: 11,016
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by JonBcn
I'm sorry for you; I'm in the same position myself at the moment and its quite difficult. It would say just dont impose yourself on her, but let her know that you're there if she needs you. Does she have a big close family? If so, maybe its a bit early to go, but if she is alone, get round there with a "I'll not stay, but I wanted want to check tha you're alright and see if there was anything I could do...?" Maybe she wont want to see you, but she'll certainly appreciate the gesture.
well her mom and dad split up and he moved away...she has a step dad and a sister but her family (extended) isn't big...another weird connection is her Nan worked at my junior school years ago.

i'm really not good when it comes to emotion, if someone cries then i'll start very soon after, which could make her even more upset.
SJW is offline  
post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:54 PM
Guest
 
*JR*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: On the Peace Train
Posts: 34,247
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by SJW
not very but my mom did.
Jon and Snufkin offered some wise advice, let me now add one possibility based on your answer: perhaps you and your Mum could stop by together (@ least the first time).
*JR* is offline  
post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:55 PM Thread Starter
country flag SJW
Senior Member
 
SJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Allez
Posts: 11,016
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snuffkin
Well, I have to start with one thing - the fact that you've posted here obviously shows you care so you're going right for a start.

With grief, it's often a very personal thing. Some people withdraw totally and refuse to have contact with others and some people need people around them. It's very personal.

I know it's probably terribly hackneyed to say it, but if it bothers you, just go and see her and tell her that you're there for her should she need. It's difficult not to act differently so part of me wants to say to you not to put pressure on yourself by restricting your behaviour. Sure, be compassionate and don't crack jokes, but don't restrict yourself to the stage that you stop being yourself.

Be there should she need and keep in contact with her and let her come round in time. I think just being there is the main thing. Even if it's only a phone call every other day or whatever (depending on how often you normally talk), just let her know you care. But I figure you're already there by asking this.
yea...even though we haven't been friends THAT long, she knows me so well and i'll change around her and she'd notice it in an instant. the thing with our relationship is we joke around with each other. i'm not gonna be able to do that anymore, and she's always so lighthearted and stuff, it's gonna be like dealing with a new person. i will go and see her, i just don't want to make things worse.
SJW is offline  
post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 10:57 PM
Tart with a Heart
 
JonBcn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Posts: 15,746
                     
You definitely wont make things worse, as you said to Snuffkin, and if this happens:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SJW
i'm really not good when it comes to emotion, if someone cries then i'll start very soon after, which could make her even more upset.
it might be exactly what she needs. I feel like my gran saying this, but Its difficult to sit around crying on your own and have a shoulder to cry on/with might do some good.

good luck anyway, whatever happens...

~ gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mongrel mind ~
JonBcn is offline  
post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 11:09 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Far Away.
Posts: 5,263
                     
Ignore her until you can use her for something worth your while.
- L i n a - is offline  
post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 11:31 PM
Guest
 
*JR*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: On the Peace Train
Posts: 34,247
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by - L i n a -
Ignore her until you can use her for something worth your while.
Lina, this is about Sarah's friend losing her mother, comprende? *wonders how many decent ppl have to follow my lead and badrep this bitch to knock some civility into her*
*JR* is offline  
post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 11:35 PM
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 27,280
 
I'm sure she'd rather know you're thinking of her than not, even if she doesn't necessarily feel it then.

It's times like these when your true friends reveal themselves.

Go and see her / call her / whatever but make some form of contact. It might be helpful for your feelings as well as hers.
Kart is offline  
post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 13th, 2004, 11:44 PM
Senior Member
 
DelMonte's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: England
Posts: 2,342
                     
hey sarah,

sorry to hear about your friend's mom. i can only repeat what some of the people have already said. there's no right or wrong way to deal with this. let your friend's response(s) guide your behaviour. i am sure she'll let you know what she needs from her friends right now: distance or comfort and at what level. don't feel bad if she rejects your attempts to be there for her because she may want to be left alone for some time. call her or go by her house and see what you can do.

i hope your friend pulls through this.
DelMonte is offline  
post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old Jun 14th, 2004, 02:37 PM
Senior Member
 
Helen Lawson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Waiting for Shirley
Posts: 19,302
                     
Give her a vial of yellow ones and some champagne.

Whitney Houston and her receipts:

http://www.tennisforum.com/showthrea...17447&page=324
Helen Lawson is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TennisForum.com forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome