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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Fake Future Tennis Mailbag with Jon Wertheim

Fake Future Tennis Mailbag with Jon Wertheim

February 2007

I hope all of my loyal readers had a nice weekend. I am here in sunny Melbourne, getting ready for the start of the Australian Open and I have to admit how absolutely surreal this is, getting ready for the first late February-early March Australian Open. To let everyone know, ticket sales have not been affected by the change, although this is the first time I’ve ever seen a bald ball person at the Aussie Open.

To get you up to date with last week’s results, Kim Clijsters-Hewitt beat Justine Henin-Hardenne 6-4 2-6 6-4 in the Sydney final, while David Nalbandian defeated Roger Federer 6-4 6-3 to win the men’s title. In Auckland, Rafeal Nadal beat Mario Ancic 6-4 3-6 7-5. In Canberra, Maria Sharapova defeated Ashley Harleroad 6-2 6-4 and in Hobart, Anastasia Myskina defeated the veteran Conchita Martinez 6-2 6-3.

And now, onto my Australian Open predictions:

Men’s winner: Andre Agassi. At age 36, Agassi will look to win his 8th Australian Open and 12th Grand Slam. Agassi is the king of Rebound Ace and hasn’t lost a match here since the Clinton administration.

Runner Up: Andy Roddick. Roddick has looked very good so far this season, winning Miami back in January (can you believe they played that tournament in January? I just cannot believe it!)

Women’s winner: Kim Clijsters-Hewitt. Sure, she is 0-8 in Grand Slam finals, but she finished last year strong, winning her 3rd WTA Tour Championship title.

Runner up: Maria Sharapova. Blessed with a draw that makes Clijsters’ look hard, Sharapova will shriek and grunt her way through the early rounds. I predict she will upset Serena Williams in the semifinals to get to her first Grand Slam final.

And now to your letters

I have a bone to pick with you. Once again, you have predicted that Jenny Capriati will have a bad year, only because she had a bad fall season last year. Are you dumb or something? Every time you predict her career is over she proves you wrong.
-Matthew Perry, Hollywood, CA.

True, I pick Capriati to have a bad year every year, only to be proven wrong, but she’s 30 years old. Certainly, I’m going to be right one of these years.

Un-Werthy, I hate your column, it stinks. You know nothing about tennis. Why don’t they get McEnroe to write your column?-Ed, Columbus OH.

No comment.

Can you explain the rankings to me? Serena hasn’t lost a match in seven months and is the reigning champion of three Grand Slams and five other tournaments. She played 14 tournaments (more than usual), but Kim is still #1. What does Serena need to do to become #1?!! These rankings suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-Elizabeth, New York, NY.

In order for Serena to be #1, she needs to play 17 tournaments or more and has to get to the semifinals or better at all of them. Then she will be #1, okay?


I have a bone to pick with you! You said in your last column that Andy Roddick won’t ever win the French Open. I mean, like, hello, he’s won Houston four times.
-Mandy Moore-Roddick, Austin, TX.

Roddick has certainly done well in Houston, but how many French Open contenders actually play the tournament? When Andy beats Juan Carlos on clay, then we’ll talk.

Well that concludes today’s, column. I’ll be reporting from Melbourne again soon.

Last edited by JennyS; Oct 16th, 2003 at 09:01 PM.
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 08:58 PM
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Very creative.
Cheers!
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 08:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
Fake Future Tennis Mailbag with Jon Wertheim

February 2007

I hope all of my loyal readers had a nice weekend. I am here in sunny Melbourne, getting ready for the start of the Australian Open and I have to admit how absolutely surreal this is, getting ready for the first late February-early March Australian Open. To let everyone know, ticket sales have not been affected by the change, although this is the first time I’ve ever seen a bald ball person at the Aussie Open.
To get you up to date with last week’s results, Kim Clijsters-Hewitt beat Justine Henin-Hardenne 6-4 2-6 6-4 in the Sydney final, while David Nalbandian defeated Roger Federer 6-4 6-3 to win the men’s title. In Auckland, Rafeal Nadal beat Mario Ancic 6-4 3-6 7-5. In Canberra, Maria Sharapova defeated Ashley Harleroad 6-2 6-4 and in Hobart, Anastasia Myskina defeated the veteran Conchita Martinez 6-2 6-3.

And now, onto my Australian Open predictions:

Men’s winner: Andre Agassi. At age 36, Agassi will look to win his 8th Australian Open and 12th Grand Slam. Agassi is the king of Rebound Ace and hasn’t lost a match here since the Clinton administration.

Runner Up: Andy Roddick. Roddick has looked very good so far this season, winning Miami back in January (can you believe they played that tournament in January? I just cannot believe it!)

Women’s winner: Kim Clijsters-Hewitt. Sure, she is 0-8 in Grand Slam finals, but she finished last year strong, winning her 3rd WTA Tour Championship title.

Runner up: Maria Sharapova. Blessed with a draw that makes Clijsters’ look hard, Sharapova will shriek and grunt her way through the early rounds. I predict she will upset Serena Williams in the semifinals to get to her first Grand Slam final.

And now to your letters

I have a bone to pick with you. Once again, you have predicted that Jenny Capriati will have a bad year, only because she had a bad fall season last year. Are you dumb or something? Every time you predict her career is over she proves you wrong.
-Matthew Perry, Hollywood, CA.

True, I pick Capriati to have a bad year every year, only to be proven wrong, but she’s 30 years old. Certainly, I’m going to be right one of these years.

Un-Werthy, I hate your column, it stinks. You know nothing about tennis. Why don’t they get McEnroe to write your column?-Ed, Columbus OH.

No comment.

Can you explain the rankings to me? Serena hasn’t lost a match in seven months and is the reigning champion of three Grand Slams and five other tournaments. She played 14 tournaments (more than usual), but Kim is still #1. What does Serena need to do to become #1?!! These rankings suck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-Elizabeth, New York, NY.

In order for Serena to be #1, she needs to play 17 tournaments or more and has to get to the semifinals or better at all of them. Then she will be #1, okay?


I have a bone to pick with you! You said in your last column that Andy Roddick won’t ever win the French Open. I mean, like, hello, he’s won Houston four times.
-Mandy Moore-Roddick, Austin, TX.

Roddick has certainly done well in Houston, but how many French Open contenders actually play the tournament? When Andy beats Juan Carlos on clay, then we’ll talk.

Well that concludes today’s, column. I’ll be reporting from Melbourne again soon.

Hahahaha.....very good, very good! Lol about Kim´s 0-8 in finals!

Always bet on black!
Can you handle the truth?
The truth:
Serena Williams: Greatest African-American tennisplayer in history
22 majors:6376


Official Prince of the Royal Court
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:00 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
You should maybe take his job over now, huh!

Always bet on black!
Can you handle the truth?
The truth:
Serena Williams: Greatest African-American tennisplayer in history
22 majors:6376


Official Prince of the Royal Court
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bandabou
Hahahaha.....very good, very good! Lol about Kim´s 0-8 in finals!
He means 8-0

L'important, c'est la rose...
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:05 PM Thread Starter
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That would be fun writing for SI.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ph51
He means 8-0
since ´05, huh?!

Always bet on black!
Can you handle the truth?
The truth:
Serena Williams: Greatest African-American tennisplayer in history
22 majors:6376


Official Prince of the Royal Court
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:08 PM
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Very good


GO MARTINA HINGIS!!!!!!!!
Myskina, kirilenko, chakvetadze. Douchevina, Petrova, Clijsters, Zvonareva, Dementieva, Vaidiosava, Voskoboeva, !!!!!

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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
That would be fun writing for SI.
Are you doing this at college or something, ´cause you sure have talent.

Always bet on black!
Can you handle the truth?
The truth:
Serena Williams: Greatest African-American tennisplayer in history
22 majors:6376


Official Prince of the Royal Court
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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:11 PM Thread Starter
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No, I graduated from college last May and I have been writing these at home. Thanks for the compliments.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
No, I graduated from college last May and I have been writing these at home. Thanks for the compliments.
You deserve them!

L'important, c'est la rose...
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
No, I graduated from college last May and I have been writing these at home. Thanks for the compliments.
They are all well derved indeed. If I was wertheim I´d really be looking over my shoulder!

Always bet on black!
Can you handle the truth?
The truth:
Serena Williams: Greatest African-American tennisplayer in history
22 majors:6376


Official Prince of the Royal Court
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old Oct 16th, 2003, 09:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JennyS
Fake Future Tennis Mailbag with Jon Wertheim

Runner up: Maria Sharapova. Blessed with a draw that makes Clijsters’ look hard, Sharapova will shriek and grunt her way through the early rounds. I predict she will upset Serena Williams in the semifinals to get to her first Grand Slam final.

.
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