Sorry, I'm new and had nothing better to do. Had no idea it was so long until I finished typing. I'm a moderate, uninformed tennis fan who was trying to write down her impressions of some players and then get mocked for my ignorance; now I realize I'm ridiculously long-winded but it took so long to write, what the hell...
SERENA: Bitch; sometimes nice.
Pretty for a very mannish girl. Gracious winner but all-time most unsportsmanlike loser, male or female, in any sport ever. Cheated at Wimbledon in H-H semi-final when chalk flew in her face and linesman called "out" so title doesn't count. Not as mentally tough as she appears. Suffered through years of head-case underachievement. I sensed panic in the Capriati QF if a couple key errors hadn't gone her way. Tried to lose final to her sister, which makes her more likeable.
VENUS: Bitch; shy.
Can take a pretty photo but actually looks like Whoopi Goldberg in "The Color Purple" ("you sure is ugly!") Not in a slump. Could beat her sister if she came to net. VERY mentally tough - NEVER loses her cool.
Indifferent to rooster.
I do love their mother though.
CLIJSTERS: Nice, according to everyone.
Looks like a cartoon caricature of the giggly Dutch girl. In every smiley photo looks like she's just been goosed. Kinda boring.
loves Lleyton's rooster.
Greatest technician. Small. Cheated at F.O. with the hand so title doesn't count. Gotta admire any 5'6 girl who can beat Serena and make her cry. Trash-talking coach should shut up. Trash-talking Acura interview a bad idea. Serena hates her. Please get your daddy issues over with and shorten the name.
Likes girly-man rooster.
Big and ugly. The beloved gruff drill sergeant of the WTA locker room. Hates herself. Wimbledon 2nd set v. Venus was best set anyone has ever played against either sister (Venus played well, lost 2-6) Missed two good chances in 3rd, then gave up.
Tells jokes about rooster but I don't know if she digs it that much. Boys would need a yard of rooster to impress Davenport.
MAURESMO: Nice; shy.
Too tightly wound but an incredible talent. Pretty for a mannish lesbian. Porno of her with Serena would be popular with gay men.
Does not care for rooster at all.
Looks like she's all jaw on court but when she takes off the ball cap it's a pleasant surprise. Nobody feels passionate one way or the other about Rubin.
Too proper to really dig rooster.
A total thug. Seems like the kind of skank who beats the crap out of pretty girls at dance bars. Has the talent to beat the sisters but is too lazy to work out.
Other players must look at her and seethe with jealousy (pre-diet) but they all seem to like her. Can't bring myself to say anything bad about her. Absolutely scrupulously ethically clean when it comes to the steroid issue. Doesn't have to gain that much to get back to her normal weight. Men adore her in a surprisingly non-creepy way. Somebody needs to slap her mother. Ambitious journalists might want to double-check her birth certificate to see if someone got around the AER. If this girl doesn't have a great career it will be a MAJOR disappointment.
Afraid of rooster.
Biggest overachiever (that's a compliment). Only player in the top ten with ZERO chance of ever being number one (okay, Rubin as well).
Married, so she's liking rooster less and less as each day goes by.
DOKIC: Schizo Bitch/Nice girl
GORGEOUS but may not age well. Free pass on behaviour granted due to daddy is about to expire. Needs to lie more.
Needs to work out and not eat burgers. Some top 8 is going to scream when they see where Seles is in the U.S. Open draw...
Insane. Insane mom. Weird face; looks like an anime character. Too lazy to work out. Made a point of inviting her child-molestor coach to Stanford. "Defended" Hantuchova from eating disorder rumors after Hantuchova beat her for the second time this year.
No idea about her feelings toward rooster.
Owes her ranking to two victories over you-know-who. Dissed Sharapova; was humiliated. Pretty face. Girl most likely to next develop an eating disorder.
Really snotty-seeming girl and snotty girls love rooster.
Awesome talent I thought would be top 5 this year. Failed to calculate crazy parents/ Eastern European headcase factors (see Dokic, Hantuchova, Kournikova...) Only news about her this year: public dissing by Grande, coach quitting and humiliation courtesy of Sharapova.
SHARAPOVA: Bitch says Harkleroad/Nice says Myskina
Awesome talent in the Hantuchova/Bovina mold. Uh oh. Okay, remember when the pretty girls came from the west and the Eastern Europeans were the steroid trolls? When did the flip occur? Are the ovas the product of some supermodel/athlete Soviet breeding program? Will the curse of the Eastern European hot chick strike again or does Sharapova go into the more successful moved-to-the-west category (Navratilova, Seles, Hingis). Never blow kisses again.
Best body on tour but her face ain't that great - she looks like Yeltsin. Starred in astonishingly creepy music video.
Tolerates ethnic Mediterranean rooster with money.
HINGIS: Bitch; often nice.
Hangs out with Kournikova, Henin-Hardenne and Harkleroad. Somehow her bitchiness seems okay.
Pretty much a matter of public record that she loves rooster; approaching legendary rooster-monster status.
HAYNES: Heavily leaning towards Bitch but there's some contradictory evidence and she's so new and young I'll cut her some slack.
Seen two photos; looks cute. Trying to replace Harkleroad as the trash-talking teenage bitch queen of American tennis. Gave one quote to a reporter that she will never live down unless she makes top five. Way to apply unneeded pressure.
No idea of her thoughts re: rooster.
BEDANOVA: Remember her?
What happened? Does she share a meal plan with Hantuchova?
Well, I'm deeply impressed even if wimbledon did fix the draw. Should play singles, except if she wins any matches there are going to be some traumatized young players. Wants to enter politics in the state where Janet Reno couldn't even get nominated. Is Hantuchova's mentor: good job!
Has a rooster.
MARY CARILLO: LOATHSOME BITCH!!!
How does this bitter old cow get jobs? I'm trying to watch the Wimbledon doubles final and she and McEnroe (who I like 'cause he's funny) are driving me INSANE!
Hey I did it! It's all "This is terrible. SNORT. Why don't they come to net. DERISIVE LAUGH. These girls are such twits. GROAN. This is awful! Who would waste their time watching this stuff!
That would be me.