Don't Read This - TennisForum.com
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:12 AM Thread Starter
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 25
                     
Don't Read This

Sorry, I'm new and had nothing better to do. Had no idea it was so long until I finished typing. I'm a moderate, uninformed tennis fan who was trying to write down her impressions of some players and then get mocked for my ignorance; now I realize I'm ridiculously long-winded but it took so long to write, what the hell...

SERENA: Bitch; sometimes nice.

Pretty for a very mannish girl. Gracious winner but all-time most unsportsmanlike loser, male or female, in any sport ever. Cheated at Wimbledon in H-H semi-final when chalk flew in her face and linesman called "out" so title doesn't count. Not as mentally tough as she appears. Suffered through years of head-case underachievement. I sensed panic in the Capriati QF if a couple key errors hadn't gone her way. Tried to lose final to her sister, which makes her more likeable.

Loves rooster.

VENUS: Bitch; shy.

Can take a pretty photo but actually looks like Whoopi Goldberg in "The Color Purple" ("you sure is ugly!") Not in a slump. Could beat her sister if she came to net. VERY mentally tough - NEVER loses her cool.

Indifferent to rooster.

I do love their mother though.

CLIJSTERS: Nice, according to everyone.

Looks like a cartoon caricature of the giggly Dutch girl. In every smiley photo looks like she's just been goosed. Kinda boring.

loves Lleyton's rooster.

HENIN-HARDENNE: Bitch.

Greatest technician. Small. Cheated at F.O. with the hand so title doesn't count. Gotta admire any 5'6 girl who can beat Serena and make her cry. Trash-talking coach should shut up. Trash-talking Acura interview a bad idea. Serena hates her. Please get your daddy issues over with and shorten the name.

Likes girly-man rooster.

DAVENPORT: Nice.

Big and ugly. The beloved gruff drill sergeant of the WTA locker room. Hates herself. Wimbledon 2nd set v. Venus was best set anyone has ever played against either sister (Venus played well, lost 2-6) Missed two good chances in 3rd, then gave up.

Tells jokes about rooster but I don't know if she digs it that much. Boys would need a yard of rooster to impress Davenport.

MAURESMO: Nice; shy.

Too tightly wound but an incredible talent. Pretty for a mannish lesbian. Porno of her with Serena would be popular with gay men.

Does not care for rooster at all.

RUBIN: Nice.

Looks like she's all jaw on court but when she takes off the ball cap it's a pleasant surprise. Nobody feels passionate one way or the other about Rubin.

Too proper to really dig rooster.

CAPRIATI: Bitch.

A total thug. Seems like the kind of skank who beats the crap out of pretty girls at dance bars. Has the talent to beat the sisters but is too lazy to work out.

Loves rooster.

HANTUCHOVA: Nice.

Other players must look at her and seethe with jealousy (pre-diet) but they all seem to like her. Can't bring myself to say anything bad about her. Absolutely scrupulously ethically clean when it comes to the steroid issue. Doesn't have to gain that much to get back to her normal weight. Men adore her in a surprisingly non-creepy way. Somebody needs to slap her mother. Ambitious journalists might want to double-check her birth certificate to see if someone got around the AER. If this girl doesn't have a great career it will be a MAJOR disappointment.

Afraid of rooster.

MYSKINA: Nice.

Biggest overachiever (that's a compliment). Only player in the top ten with ZERO chance of ever being number one (okay, Rubin as well).

Married, so she's liking rooster less and less as each day goes by.

DOKIC: Schizo Bitch/Nice girl

GORGEOUS but may not age well. Free pass on behaviour granted due to daddy is about to expire. Needs to lie more.

Loves rooster.

SELES: Nice.

Needs to work out and not eat burgers. Some top 8 is going to scream when they see where Seles is in the U.S. Open draw...

Avoids rooster.

STEVENSON: Bitch.

Insane. Insane mom. Weird face; looks like an anime character. Too lazy to work out. Made a point of inviting her child-molestor coach to Stanford. "Defended" Hantuchova from eating disorder rumors after Hantuchova beat her for the second time this year.

No idea about her feelings toward rooster.

HARKLEROAD: Bitch.

Owes her ranking to two victories over you-know-who. Dissed Sharapova; was humiliated. Pretty face. Girl most likely to next develop an eating disorder.

Really snotty-seeming girl and snotty girls love rooster.

BOVINA: Bitch.

Awesome talent I thought would be top 5 this year. Failed to calculate crazy parents/ Eastern European headcase factors (see Dokic, Hantuchova, Kournikova...) Only news about her this year: public dissing by Grande, coach quitting and humiliation courtesy of Sharapova.

Loves rooster.

SHARAPOVA: Bitch says Harkleroad/Nice says Myskina

Awesome talent in the Hantuchova/Bovina mold. Uh oh. Okay, remember when the pretty girls came from the west and the Eastern Europeans were the steroid trolls? When did the flip occur? Are the ovas the product of some supermodel/athlete Soviet breeding program? Will the curse of the Eastern European hot chick strike again or does Sharapova go into the more successful moved-to-the-west category (Navratilova, Seles, Hingis). Never blow kisses again.

LOOOOOOOOOVES rooster.

KOURNIKOVA: Uberbitch.

Best body on tour but her face ain't that great - she looks like Yeltsin. Starred in astonishingly creepy music video.

Tolerates ethnic Mediterranean rooster with money.

HINGIS: Bitch; often nice.

Hangs out with Kournikova, Henin-Hardenne and Harkleroad. Somehow her bitchiness seems okay.

Pretty much a matter of public record that she loves rooster; approaching legendary rooster-monster status.

HAYNES: Heavily leaning towards Bitch but there's some contradictory evidence and she's so new and young I'll cut her some slack.

Seen two photos; looks cute. Trying to replace Harkleroad as the trash-talking teenage bitch queen of American tennis. Gave one quote to a reporter that she will never live down unless she makes top five. Way to apply unneeded pressure.

No idea of her thoughts re: rooster.

BEDANOVA: Remember her?

What happened? Does she share a meal plan with Hantuchova?

NAVRATILOVA: Bitch.

Well, I'm deeply impressed even if wimbledon did fix the draw. Should play singles, except if she wins any matches there are going to be some traumatized young players. Wants to enter politics in the state where Janet Reno couldn't even get nominated. Is Hantuchova's mentor: good job!

Has a rooster.

MARY CARILLO: LOATHSOME BITCH!!!

How does this bitter old cow get jobs? I'm trying to watch the Wimbledon doubles final and she and McEnroe (who I like 'cause he's funny) are driving me INSANE! Hey I did it! It's all "This is terrible. SNORT. Why don't they come to net. DERISIVE LAUGH. These girls are such twits. GROAN. This is awful! Who would waste their time watching this stuff!

That would be me.
samantha l is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:54 AM
Senior Member
 
bello's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,747
                     
Samantha, I like this alot, its not all that ignorant, some things are very accurate..I LIKE!!!!!!!!
A laugh...

JENNIFER CAPRIATI-my now & passionate love and idol..GO JENN! I LOVE U!!!
GABRIELA SABATINI-my first & undying love and idol..miss you & love u Gaby!!!

MONICA SELES~NANCY FEBER~ROMINA OPRANDI~ADRIANA SERRA ZANETTI~SERENA WILLIAMS~MIRJANA LUCIC

Rossana De Los Rios ~ Alicia Molik ~ Flavia Pennetta ~ Trudi Musgrave ~ Francesca Schiavone ~Tatiana Golovin ~ Maria Vento-Kabchi ~ Anna Kournikova ~ Chanda Rubin ~ Brenda Schultz-McCarthy ~ Lina Krasnoroutskaya ~ Monica Niculescu ~ Sania Mirza ~ Cindy Watson ~ Patty Schnyder ~ Ashley Harkleroad ~ Sophie Ferguson ~ Barbora Strykova ~ Barbara Schwartz ~ Maria Emilia Salerni ~ Tsvetana Pironkova ~ Lisa McShea ~ Jelena Dokic ~ Iroda Tulyaganova
bello is offline  
post #3 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:59 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 876
                     
This is not a tennis review, this is paparazzo-crap.
Filip! is offline  
 
post #4 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 08:23 AM
Senior Member
 
bello's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 1,747
                     
LOL!! Yeah but thats cool!

JENNIFER CAPRIATI-my now & passionate love and idol..GO JENN! I LOVE U!!!
GABRIELA SABATINI-my first & undying love and idol..miss you & love u Gaby!!!

MONICA SELES~NANCY FEBER~ROMINA OPRANDI~ADRIANA SERRA ZANETTI~SERENA WILLIAMS~MIRJANA LUCIC

Rossana De Los Rios ~ Alicia Molik ~ Flavia Pennetta ~ Trudi Musgrave ~ Francesca Schiavone ~Tatiana Golovin ~ Maria Vento-Kabchi ~ Anna Kournikova ~ Chanda Rubin ~ Brenda Schultz-McCarthy ~ Lina Krasnoroutskaya ~ Monica Niculescu ~ Sania Mirza ~ Cindy Watson ~ Patty Schnyder ~ Ashley Harkleroad ~ Sophie Ferguson ~ Barbora Strykova ~ Barbara Schwartz ~ Maria Emilia Salerni ~ Tsvetana Pironkova ~ Lisa McShea ~ Jelena Dokic ~ Iroda Tulyaganova
bello is offline  
post #5 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 02:22 PM
Senior Member
 
AleOrtu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Argentina
Posts: 6,752
                     
bump mg:


Eleni Daniilidou - Iveta Benesova - Melanie Klaffner - Gisela Dulko - Daniela Hantuchova - Jelena Dokic - Karolina Sprem -

Akenatón rules, Horemheb sucks
Member #5452 Making Your Life Better Since 2002
AleOrtu is offline  
post #6 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 02:44 PM
Senior Member
 
Erdinger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Germany
Posts: 435
                     
Hey, Samantha, you definitely have guts to post that in your first post ever. So I also come out of the closet and say:

That was really funny to read! Post more.
Erdinger is offline  
post #7 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 02:50 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 2,406
                     
It may well be paparazzo crap, but if so it is paparazzo crap of the highest order. Continue, novice poster, continue!

Say it Quietly, I'm White but I'm Really Rather Contrite
Hendouble is offline  
post #8 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 02:58 PM
In my new place!!
 
Mase's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: The Old VA
Posts: 23,113
                     
You dont have an opinions on players do you??

Come back EVENTUALLY Cappy!! Ok this clearly was written back in a day when I still had faith..


Mase is offline  
post #9 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 03:08 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 7,843
                     
Quote:
Originally Posted by Filip!
This is not a tennis review, this is paparazzo-crap.
It is nevertheless genius, highly amusing, more worth reading than pretty much everything else in GM put together and 99% accurate. More please!
sartrista7 is offline  
post #10 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 06:28 PM
Team WTAworld
Senior Member
 
controlfreak's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Luxembourg
Posts: 5,857
                     
Ooh, ooh, can I play?

SAMANTHA L: Bitch.
Possible rooster obsession.
controlfreak is offline  
post #11 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 06:36 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Belgium
Posts: 520
                     
Welcome oh and a very impressive first post
Lien is offline  
post #12 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 06:41 PM
Senior Member
 
DA FOREHAND's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Washington D.C.
Posts: 8,945
                     
LOL great first post keep your wit, don't let "Mister" beat it outta ya.

"Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated" - George Bernard Shaw




"And for the best of the teen-agers who followed her, and who occasionally referred to her as over the hill, Graf had a ready answer: against top-ranked Martina Hingis, Graf wound up 7-2. Graf's stirring 4-6, 7-5, 6-2 throttling of Hingis at the French Open final this June was perhaps the most emphatic parting shot the game has ever seen. "


DA FOREHAND is offline  
post #13 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:10 PM
Senior Member
 
alfajeffster's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: United States of America
Posts: 9,216
                     
LOL!!! This is the most hysterical piece of journalism I've read on this site so far!!! Kudos to the rooster in the henhouse!
alfajeffster is offline  
post #14 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:35 PM
HAND SCRAPED
 
-Sonic-'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: England
Posts: 7,155
                     
Ok I am laughing my ass off here... that was so funny.

I'm def like Lindsay. No baby roosters for me.
-Sonic- is offline  
post #15 of 34 (permalink) Old Jul 29th, 2003, 07:47 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Tulsa
Posts: 931
 
I think Hantuchova's fear of rooster could be the source of her eating problem.

Jen works out, she's just going for too much bulk. Needs a new trainer.


Samantha: Bitch/nice girl?

Enjoyable writing. Succinct. Short paragraphs. Good spacing.

Scares off the rooster.
Bella is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TennisForum.com forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome