The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon - TennisForum.com

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 05:31 PM Thread Starter
Women's locker room towel-guy
 
Spirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,511
                     
The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon

Apologies in advance for any mistakes made due to the fact that I am not British and have never been to England. Don't take it too seriously.


In a universe slightly parallel to our own, but with the same 2003 Wimbledon draw....


The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon
Part 1



Watson: "Why, Holmes, you've had the housekeeper set three places for breakfast. Are we expecting company?"

Holmes (looking out the window): "Most assuredly, my dear Watson. In fact, I gather it's the gentleman on the street below. He's on his way here to discuss the strange occurrences that have been taking place at this year's Wimbledon tennis tournament."

Watson: "Holmes, you never cease to amaze me! Did you deduce that from the cut of his clothes, the grass stains on his shoes and countless other subtle clues to which the rest of us are blind?"

Holmes: "No, Watson, don't be daft! He sent me a telegram with his photo attached. He told me he was coming here."

Watson (grumbling): "You know they're called e-mails nowadays, Holmes. Why do you insist on still calling them telegrams?"

Holmes: "Don't get all 21st-Century with me, Watson. I prefer my own methods."

<The housekeeper shows in the new visitor. He is obviously very nervous.>

Housekeeper: "Mr. Brian Sanders to see you, Mr. Holmes."

Holmes: "Thank you. I am Sherlock Holmes, this is my good friend Dr. John Watson. Mr. Sanders, please have a seat and tell us what seems to be the problem. You may share in our breakfast if you wish."

Sanders: "No thank you, sir."

<The housekeeper leaves. Mr. Sanders sits down but glances at Watson for just a moment.>

Holmes: "Watson is my trusted advisor and a doctor of physic. Whatever you have to tell me can be said in front of him in full confidence. All that will happen is that he will write up every full detail for the public to read and then it will be made into a cheap television drama in which you are played by someone ugly to make me look handsome. But pray do not let that trouble you. You are here because you suspect foul play, correct?"

Sanders: "Yes, Mr. Holmes. The director of Roland Garros recommended I come see you. I understand you helped him out of a spot of trouble last year. He said that your discretion could be counted on, and that it was marvelous the way you deduced who was destroying the courtside flowers in Paris every May."

Holmes (waving a hand airily): "A trifling matter. I was happy to bring Mr. Hewitt to justice."

Sanders: "Well, Mr. Holmes, I'm hoping you can be of equal service to us. We have experienced mysterious incidents this year at Wimbledon."

Holmes: "How many?"

Sanders: "Three so far, sir."

Holmes: "Tell me about them."

Sanders: "First, someone in the press of the crowd accidentally spilled some sort of highly concentrated orange juice onto Justine Henin's hand as she was on her way to practice. Normally this wouldn't be any cause for concern, but strangely, it soaked into her skin and further aggravated the muscles that had been sprained recently, forcing her to withdraw. No one got a good look at who had done it, as the person ran off.

"Next, Samantha Stevenson -- mother of Alexandra -- was somehow recorded making comments about how the English are stuck-up snobs and should all be shot. This recording was released to the press anonymously. Fearing for their lives, Alexandra also withdrew from the tournament and the Stevensons left the country.

"Third, someone placed a long-lasting, industrial-strength purple dye in the hair shampoo and bath soap of Elena Bovina. She took a shower this morning, and when she discovered that her hair and skin had turned purple and that nothing could be done about it for at least six weeks, she was mortified and left the tournament in tears, saying she could not possibly appear in front of a crowd looking like that."

Holmes: "Fascinating. Is there a connection among the three incidents."

Sanders: "None that we can see."

Watson: "But you suspect one?"

Sanders: "Well...yes. But we daren't say anything, because we have no proof. Each incident could be isolated, a case of different people being mischievous or mean, with no real motive. The spilling of the drink could even have been a true accident."

Holmes: "Or it could be a concerted attempt by a single individual to gain an unfair advantage. I take it all three women were seeded into the tournament?"

Sanders: "Yes, sir."

Holmes: "Have you a draw sheet with you?"

Sanders: "No. I didn't think it would be necessary."

Holmes: "Hmmm. We'll have to ask your office to send us a copy as soon as possible. I'll have the housekeeper ring a cab to collect it."

Watson: "Why not just use the web?"

Holmes (sighing): "Yes, of course...we could just use the web."

<Holmes, Watson and Sanders all gather around the PC, which is already on with its screen off. Sanders coughs and looks away as Holmes turns the screen on to reveal that the web browser is still showing the Smack-that-elderly-ass web site which Watson always visits. Holmes glares at Watson, who merely clasps his hands behind his back and looks at the ceiling. Within moments, however, they are viewing the Wimbledon web site.>

Holmes: "Aha! You see, gentlemen? All three women who have been stricken by misfortune were in the same section of the draw."

<Holmes prints the draw and hands it to Watson.>

Watson: "Amazing! So someone is using underhanded methods to ensure that she wins more tennis games than she otherwise would!"

Holmes: "Matches, Watson. An entire tennis conflict is called a match. Do get your terminology right."

Sanders: "Yes, it certainly does look suspicious. But we can't make accusations or involve the police over something which may be simply a coincidence. We need someone who can get results discreetly. And time is of the utmost essence. The first round starts tomorrow! We can't think of anyone else who could help us."

Holmes: "Very well, Mr. Sanders, I accept the case. Watson and I shall get to the bottom of these capers, and if indeed there is something afoot, we'll sniff it out."

Sanders: "You're going to sniff feet?"

Holmes: "No, I said...never mind."

<Holmes whips a folded piece of paper out of his breast pocket and hands it to Sanders.>

Holmes: "My fee."

Sanders (squinting at the paper): "25 cents a day, plus expenses?"

<Holmes hurriedly rips the paper out of Sanders' grasp, wads it up and throws it away.>

Holmes: "Sorry. That was Encyclopedia Brown's fee. We were consulting together recently and our paperwork got mixed up."

<Holmes whips a second folded piece of paper out of his breast pocket and hands it to Sanders.>

Holmes: "My fee. I hope."

Sanders (his eyes growing huge): "I liked the first sheet better."

Holmes: "No problem, Mr. Sanders. If you can afford to pay someone almost a million pounds for hitting a stupid little fuzzy ball, you can afford my fee. Ah, this is exhilarating! Another case! Come, Watson - the game is afoot!"

Watson: "Match."

Holmes: "What?"

Watson: "The match is afoot. This is tennis, Holmes. Do get your terminology right."

<Grumbling under his breath, Holmes leads the other two men out the door.>



<Edited merely to correct a spelling error. No clues were omitted.>

Last edited by Spirit; Jun 30th, 2003 at 02:28 AM.
Spirit is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 05:32 PM Thread Starter
Women's locker room towel-guy
 
Spirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,511
                     
The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon
Part 2



<Holmes and Watson are driving to Wimbledon. Sanders is no longer with them as he has taken his own car back. Holmes is wearing his customary checked cape and deerstalker, even though the cape and deerstalker were completely an invention of the films and never once mentioned as a costume by the character's literary creator, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And such an outfit would be roasting in June. But we digress.>

Holmes (driving): "Tell me, Watson. Have you any thoughts on the case so far?"

Watson: "Well, it seems to me as though our culprit, if there is one, could be any one of 29 young ladies."

Holmes: "And how do you draw that conclusion?"

Watson: "I draw that conclusion by looking at the draw!"

<Watson holds up the draw sheet to make sure Holmes gets the joke and cackles insanely.>

Holmes: "Don't make me turn this automobile around, Watson."

Watson: <Ahem!> "No, of course not. Silly of me. Anyway, I believe that if there is anything underhanded in these incidents, the perpetrator would be one of the remaining 29 women in this quarter of the draw."

Holmes: "Capital, Watson! Keep going."

Watson: "Furthermore, I would suspect that the perpetrator is one of the unseeded young women. A seeded player would already have a legitimate chance of winning the tournament, and would therefore be taking an enormously silly risk to engage in foul play, as it could ruin her career. An unseeded player, on the other hand, especially perhaps an older woman near the end of her career and desperate for one last hurrah, would have less to lose and more to gain."

Holmes: "Excellent reasoning, Watson, so far as it goes. There are a number of far-fetched alternatives we must keep in mind, of course. For example, one of the three women could have been the target of someone engaged in a personal vendetta, and the other two incidents were merely instigated as red herrings, to make it look as if the motive involved the tournament."

Watson: "A bluff!"

Holmes: "Yes, but as I said, far-fetched. Still, we must take everything into account. It's also possible that this could be a male player threatened by the rise in popularity in the women's game, as the women have been making demands for equal prize money -- notice that one of the incidents involved the most recent woman to win a Major."

Watson: "Indeed, Holmes. I had read that in the paper, but had forgotten."

Holmes: "Yes. But my instinct tells me that your assessment is probably the correct one, and that is where we shall begin. In fact, I rather suspect that proving foul play will be much harder than actually figuring out which one did it. However, I would like to point out one possible flaw in your reasoning: the culprit may be a seeded player who has been under high expectations to succeed or who has been frustrated by a downturn in her career. In the same way that wealthy people are filled with shame to admit to their neighbors a loss in their fortune and status, sometimes the pressure to live up to one's ranking or expectations can lead people to make foolish and dangerous choices."

Watson: "Indeed, Holmes. And I just thought of another possibility."

Holmes: "What's that, Watson?"

Watson: "Well, when players are forced to withdraw from a tennis tournament, others must take their places."

Holmes: "Excellent, Watson! I was hoping you would think of that on your own. Yes, three lucky losers were indeed granted admittance into the draw based upon these mysterious incidents. Our culprit may well be among them. And if a lucky loser were to gain the slot previously accorded a seeded player, she would be guaranteed not to face a seeded player herself for the first two rounds -- as good a situation as a lucky loser could hope for."

Watson: "So many possibilities, Holmes."

Holmes (eyes sparkling): "Yes. We'll just have to keep our wits about us!"

<They drive on to Wimbledon.>


To be continued (hopefully, time permitting, etc. etc.)....
Spirit is offline  
post #3 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 06:10 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 16
 
thank you !!

I am sure the good doctor approves of your literary efforts as he sips his champagne and nibbles on the strawberries and cream
Defcon is offline  
post #4 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 06:34 PM
Senior Member
 
hingis-seles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 19,161
                     
Great read!

Whodunnit?!

FUCK YOU, SEWTA.
[/SIZE]
hingis-seles is offline  
post #5 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 07:01 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 77
                 
Ahh! Now i want to know what happens!!

- Alycia

be my illusion and
i'll be your distraction
pircy is offline  
post #6 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 07:07 PM
Senior Member
 
fifiricci's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Cymru
Posts: 8,570
                     
Great stuff!! If I knew how to give you rep points I would!!
fifiricci is offline  
post #7 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 07:45 PM
jmp
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 639
                     
I'm a big fan of Holmes and tennis. Thanks for combining them in such an entertaining way. I look forward to the other portions of your story.
jmp is offline  
post #8 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 09:24 PM
Senior Member
 
alexusjonesfan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: inside
Posts: 7,837
                     
wow, if you wrote books, you'd have an instant customer base!

I just hope it isn't the butler this time

future 25+ gs champ alexus "don't you get in mah back seat" jones
alexusjonesfan is offline  
post #9 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 24th, 2003, 10:00 PM
Team WTAworld
Senior Member
 
RayRob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 3,073
                     
Wow - you got me thinking! Just as I thought it could be one person, it could now be several!

Hope that there is another part later!

-Rachel
RayRob is offline  
post #10 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 26th, 2003, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
Women's locker room towel-guy
 
Spirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,511
                     
The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon
Part 3



<Holmes and Watson arrive at Wimbledon, whereupon they rejoin Mr. Sanders in the director's offices. Holmes places his pipe in his mouth, assuming a dignified and dramatic stance, but Sanders speaks before he can.>

Sanders: "Mr. Holmes, thank goodness you're here! There's been another incident!"

Holmes (holding up his hand): "Don't tell me -- Ms. Jelena Dokic?"

Sanders (looking stunned): "My word! How could you possibly have known that? It's only just happened!"

Holmes: "Elementary. I memorized that quarter of the draw, and I noticed that Ms. Dokic was the highest seed remaining, and the only one of any great status. I not only expected her to be next, but I had hoped to keep a watch on her, in order to apprehend anyone attempting anything suspicious in her vicinity. But we are too late, it seems. I shall have to form another plan."

Watson: "Is the young lady unharmed?"

Sanders: "Mostly, although she is a bit shaken."

Holmes: "What happened?"

Sanders: "Someone in a car attempted to run her down. Her boyfriend pushed her out of the way just in time, but he was injured. I don't know how badly."

Holmes (his eyes growing wide): "Really? Are you sure?"

Sanders: "The police are interviewing a couple of witnesses, because the driver sped from the scene. Ms. Dokic has accompanied her boyfriend to the hospital."

Holmes: "Hmmm. I'm not sure this has anything to do with our case."

Watson: "You can't be serious, Holmes!"

Holmes: "I am. The first three incidents were malicious pranks, with a low possibility of any physical harm coming to their victims. This is completely different; people could have been killed. Although it should definitely be investigated on its own, I believe this is merely a coincidence."

Sanders: "I'm afraid not, Mr. Holmes. I myself arrived just a few moments before you did, having driven up from London, also. When I entered my office, I found this."

<Sanders holds out a piece of paper. Holmes takes a pair of gloves out of his pocket, puts them on and takes it. It reads:>

Justin Alex Elena & Jelena: Now they now not to enter turnaments they shudnt be in! You shudnt of counted me out!

Holmes: "No signature. Carefully written to seem as if it were written by a child, but obviously by a right-handed, well-educated adult who learned English as a second language later in life. This changes things considerably. Where was this?"

Sanders: "It had been slipped under the door of this office while I was away visiting you. I've already asked my secretary about it, but she saw no one unusual come into the offices."

Watson: "How many people come into this building?"

Sanders: "The day before the Championships? Dozens of people, everyone with a reason. Plus, my secretary is usually helping someone or is on the phone, so anyone could have slipped in and delivered the note without her noticing. Er, Mr. Holmes, your pipe is unlit. Here."

<Sanders holds out a lighter. Holmes waves it away absently, still looking at the note.>

Holmes: "No, thank you. I prefer it unlit."

<Sanders and Watson exchange baffled looks.>

Holmes: "Have the police seen this?"

Sanders: "My lighter? No, I don't believe so."

Holmes (sighing): "This note."

Sanders: "Oh! No, they haven't. I was just on my way to see them when you arrived. They're only a little ways away; the incident with the car took place very nearby."

Holmes: "I believe we should go talk to them immediately and see what they've uncovered."

A new voice from the doorway: "No need, Mr. Holmes. I'm here."

Holmes: "Inspector Lestrade! So good to see you again."

<Lestrade walks into the office.>

Watson: "Investigating sports shenanigans? This is a bit inconsequential for the attention of Scotland Yard, isn't it?"

Lestrade: "And what does that say about your erstwhile companion's involvement, Dr. Watson?"

Holmes: "Merely that I am good enough to give my full attention to a client. I am here because I was asked to be so."

Lestrade: "The same goes for me...by no less than Her Highness herself, Our Majesty, the Queen."

Holmes (his eyes growing large again): "Surely you jest, Lestrade!"

Lestrade (smugly): "Not at all. The Championships is one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Hardly a soul on Earth doesn't know the name Wimbledon. During this fortnight, the eyes of the world are on our small country. If any scandal were to ruin that, England's honor would be at stake. Even ESPN would cease coverage of their American players to broadcast the news. When word reached our security services that something was the matter here, the Queen ordered Scotland Yard to the case."

Holmes: "Well, congratulations, old fellow. They must think very highly of you."

Lestrade: "They do indeed. By the way, Mr. Holmes, did know that your pipe is not lit?"

Holmes: "Very astute of you. Try your observational skills on something a little more complex -- a note from the culprit! Take a look at this."

<Holmes lays the paper on Sanders' desk. Without touching it, Lestrade bends over to read it. The circumstances of its finding are related to him.>

Lestrade: "Hmmm. Interesting. Unless it's a prank, which seems unlikely, this rules out coincidence."

Watson (heavily): "You don't say."

<Lestrade gives Watson a brief scowl.>

Lestrade: "Be that as it may, I'm awfully sorry to be the one to inform you of a wasted trip, Mr. Holmes. Scotland Yard is on the case, now, by royal decree. Because of your services rendered in the past, you are, by all means, welcome to stay and watch the professionals at work."

Holmes (smiling politely): "Very generous. But I can't leave unless my client wishes it to be so."

Sanders: "Absolutely not! Why, with two of England's finest minds on the case, the culprit should be caught in no time!"

Holmes: "Very well! I'm afraid Watson and I must continue with our investigations, Mr. Lestrade."

Lestrade: "Don't you mean, just you, Mr. Holmes? After all, what does Watson really do?"

<Watson looks deeply offended.>

Holmes (glancing sideways at Watson): "Well...ermmmm...I..."

Watson: "I ask pertinent questions, sometimes!"

Lestrade: "Impertinent, more like."

<Lestrade chuckles at his own joke, even though it makes no sense whatsoever.>

Holmes (sternly): "Watson is a good and faithful companion."

<Watson glows with the praise.>

Holmes: "He knows much about medicine, he has seen action in Her Majesty's armed forces, he carries a service revolver for use in emergencies, and he makes me look brilliant by asking the obvious questions."

<The huge smile on Watson's face crashes at this last remark.>

Lestrade: "Very well, Mr. Holmes. Have it your own way. Just remember who's in charge of this investigation."

Holmes: "I wouldn't dream of forgetting it. I assume you're off to the hospital to speak with Ms. Dokic and her young beau?"

Lestrade: "Of course, the most logical course of action. And we'll turn this note over to the forensics section. I'll instruct the local constable's men to interview the office staff. What will you be doing, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes (smiling): "Taking a nice, leisurely stroll round the grounds. I've never been to Wimbledon, before. I'm quite looking forward to it."

Lestrade (shaking his head with amazement): "Don't strain yourself. By all means, try the strawberries and cream, you have to tell all your friends that you did. Good-bye for now."

<Lestrade leaves.>

Watson: "Holmes, as much as I like a nice walk on a sunny day, is this really the time?"

Holmes: "Nothing I'd like to do better. Come, Watson, we're wasting time."

<Holmes turns to Sanders.>

Holmes: "When we find out anything, we'll let you know."

Sanders: "Thank you, Mr. Holmes. I've already had my secretary draw up identification badges for you. You have access to all areas of the tournament, and my security force has received orders to assist you in whatever way possible."

Holmes: "Thank you."

<Holmes and Watson collect their ID badges and stroll outside. When they are out of earshot of everyone else, Watson speaks.>

Watson: "Actually, Mr. Holmes, that's something I've always wondered about myself."

Holmes: "What's that, Watson?"

Watson: "Why does no smoke ever come out of your pipe?"

Holmes (looking startled): "That's a...rather personal question, Watson."

Watson: "Ah. Yes, of course."

<They stroll on into the grounds.>
Spirit is offline  
post #11 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 26th, 2003, 07:27 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 352
                     
Great reading! Can't wait for the next installment.

I hate haters.... does this make me a hater?
Lelu is offline  
post #12 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 26th, 2003, 07:46 PM
jmp
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 639
                     
Spirit, I like part 3! The story line is very intriguing and the subtle quips of humor are excellent. The plot thickens!
jmp is offline  
post #13 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 30th, 2003, 09:48 PM Thread Starter
Women's locker room towel-guy
 
Spirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,511
                     
The Mysterious Affair at Wimbledon
Part 4



Watson: "I don't understand, this, Holmes. Mr. Sanders told us that time is of the essence, yet all we're doing is taking a nice walk. Surely, there is work to be done!"

Holmes: "Indeed there is, Watson. And don't call me 'Shirley.'"

Watson: "Eh?"

Holmes: "But I'm very unhappy about the police's involvement, and I'm afraid all I can do is work around them. I want very much to interview Miss Dokic, but not with the police there. I have no choice but to let them speak with her first, and question her myself later today. It means she will probably be irritable by the time we see her, because she will have to answer the same questions several times, but there's nothing else for it. In the meantime, we can do a little work of our own."

Watson: "Such as?"

Holmes: "Speak with the players. Mingle with them, find out if any of them have any grudges against each other. I especially want to talk to the lucky losers who benefitted from others' misfortunes."

<Holmes and Watson stroll into the players' lounge and quickly locate the three lucky losers. Each one has a great alibi for at least two of the mysterious incidents. The two long-time companions speak again when they are finished.>

Watson: "Well, Holmes, what do you think?"

Holmes: "They're innocent. Not only can they account for their whereabouts quite easily, their body language was not that of the guilty."

Watson: "Are you sure about that, Holmes?"

Holmes: "Quite sure. People give off subtle clues when they are lying, and only professionally trained assassins and spies with many years of practice can prevent it. I have read papers about the body language and facial movements of people telling a lie, and I have tested this knowledge and found it to be amazingly accurate. Besides, I don't think the 13-year-old was capable."

Watson: "I couldn't understand most of what she said, with that gum in her mouth."

Holmes: "It wasn't worth repeating, I assure you."

Watson: "Still, your judgment about whether or not someone is lying doesn't strike me as proof of innocence. Not technically, that is."

<Holmes suddenly looks a little stressed.>

Holmes: "You're right, Watson, it's not. Normally, I would ruthlessly pursue every clue until the solution was proven. But as Mr. Sanders said, we must move quickly. Time is short. When faced with a hurried deadline, I find myself forced to fall back on instinct. I don't like it, but I see no way around it under the present circumstances."

Watson: "What's wrong with going on your instinct?"

Holmes: "People consider me to be the finest detective in the world. I have a reputation, Watson. The higher it gets, the further it will fall if I make a mistake. I can't afford one. Not now."

Watson: "I'm sure you'll do just fine, Holmes. So now we speak to Miss Dokic?"

Holmes: "Yes. The police should be finished by now. Lestrade won't ask her any pertinent questions, anyway."

<A blonde woman with a pleasant voice and an accent approaches them.>

Woman: "Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you were questioning people about the strange way players have been dropping out of the draw, recently. I thought there was something you ought to know."

Holmes: "Certainly! After all, I am in the business of knowing things, Miss...?"

Woman: "Clijsters. Kim Clijsters."

Holmes: "Delighted. Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson."

Watson: "It's a pleasure."

Holmes: "What is your information?"

Kim (looking around quickly and lowering her voice): "You know how someone spilled something weird on Justine's hand? Well, privately, Serena Williams is furious at Justine for holding up that same hand at Roland Garros a couple weeks ago while receiving serve and then not owning up to it. When Justine sprained it, it's possible that Serena saw her chance for revenge -- and took it!"

Serena: "That's a lie!"

<Kim jumps, startled. Holmes and Watson turn around to face an angry Serena Williams. Chris Evert, who has just entered the room, rushes over to see what the disturbance is.>

Serena: "This is just another attempt to make me look bad. Everyone hates me! Everyone!"

Venus (coming to join her sister): "I don't hate you, Ree."

Serena: "Well...almost everyone hates me! Alomost everyone!

Kim: "That's because you are so arrogant!"

Serena: "I'm not arrogant, I'm just the best!"

Kim: "You see? There you go!"

Chrissie: "Ladies, ladies, calm down!"

Serena: "You want to know who forced Justine to withdraw from Wimbledon? Talk to little miss perfect right there!"

<Serena points dramatically at Kim.>

Kim: "What? Me? Why would I do anything to Justine? I know she was offended at the racy gift I bought her for her wedding, but we cleared that up! Justine is my friend! My fellow countrywoman! My Fed Cup teammate!"

Serena (leaning forward with her hands on her hips): "She's also the one who kicked your big Belgian bohonkey in the French Open final!"

Kim: "Well...."

Holmes: "And, as I understand it, Ms. Henin-Hardenne also received a massive parade, with a turnout of tens of thousands of Belgians in her honor. But for winning the doubles title, Miss Clijsters, you simply received a couple of handshakes, and the newspaper coverage was buried on page five. Could it be that you were, perhaps, jealous of Ms. Henin-Hardenne? Jealous of the notoriety and adulation she received back in Belgium? Jealous enough to want to hurt her?"

<Serena folds her arms and looks at Kim pointedly.>

Kim: "No! I would never hurt Justine! Everyone knows that!"

Venus (calmly, almost bored): "Kim's right. She's mostly pretty nice. Although the WTA tour pool is still open on what she's doing with Lleyton -- someone's gonna win a lot of money when the reason for that little mystery finally becomes clear."

<Another blonde girl joins them.>

Girl: "I CAN VOUCH FOR KIM, ALSO. SHE'S A SWEETIE."

<Everyone winces and puts their hands up to their ears.>

Holmes: "Thank you for your opinion, but there's no need to shout, Miss...?"

Girl: "MY NAME'S MARIA SHARAPOVA. AND WHO'S SHOUTING?"

Watson: "You are!"

Maria: "FUNNY. EVERYONE SAYS THAT. I'M ACTUALLY WHISPERING. BUT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO CAN REALLY BENEFIT FROM THE ODD THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HAPPENING AROUND HERE, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN THE MEDIA!"

<Maria points a hand dramatically at Chris Evert.>

Chrissie: "Me? Why would I want to hurt anyone?"

Maria: "CONTROVERSY AND CORRUPTION SELL. REMEMBER THE JUDGING SCANDAL AT THE 2002 OLYMPICS? EVERYONE TUNED IN. RATINGS SOARED. IF SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENED HERE AT WIMBLEDON, NBC AND ESPN WOULD RAKE IN THE CASH. WITH THE WORLD'S ECONOMY IN THE SLUMPS, A GOOD CONTROVERSY WOULD BE THE ANSWER TO EVERYONE'S PRAYERS."

Serena: "That's right! And Chrissie, you came back to NBC after trying to retire because you suddenly realized that you still needed the money, isn't that right?"

Chrissie (flustered): "No, not at all! It's just that...well...um...I like broadcasting. And I missed seeing what Bud Collins would wear every day. And anyway, if you want to know who hurt Justine, why don't you go talk to Patty Schnyder?"

Holmes: "Why should I?"

Chrissie: "Wasn't it some kind of orange juice or something that was spilled on Justine's hand?"

Holmes: "Some kind of substance which aggravated her sprained muscles. There was no chance to analyze it, for Ms. Henin-Hardenne washed it off as soon as she could. But she thought it resembled orange juice, yes."

Chrissie: "Well, if you want to learn about strange orange juice, Patty's the one to see."

Holmes: "I am aware of Miss Schnyder's unfortunate problems. I see no connection of them to this case, especially as they were some time ago."

Chrissie: "But that guru of hers had her drinking some kind of special orange juice!"

Holmes: "No, it was normal orange juice. I happen to know that because her parents retained me, briefly, to track her down. It was an unpleasant experience, but I assure you, there was nothing poisonous in what she drank -- only in what she was told by the man who seduced her."

Watson: "Oh, very poetic, Holmes!"

Holmes: "Thank you, Watson."

<Chrissie just folds her arms. Everyone except Venus glares suspiciously at each other. Venus just stares sadly off at nothing in particular.>

Holmes: "And what are you thinking, Miss Williams? Venus, that is."

Venus: "I'm just thinking about how much I miss Martina Hingis."

<The others exchange baffled looks, not really knowing what to make of that.>

Holmes: "You don't speak much, do you?"

Venus: "No."

Holmes: "Why not?"

Venus: "For a whole host of philosophical reasons. It would take a long time to explain, but that would require speaking, and as I just said, I don't speak much."

Holmes: "Er...yes. I can't fault the logic of that."

Maria: "WAIT A MINUTE, YOU GUYS! I'VE GOT IT! I'VE FIGURED IT OUT!"

<Everyone looks at her in amazement.>

Maria: "IT WAS PROFESSOR PLUM, IN THE LIBRARY, WITH THE CANDLESTICK!"

<Venus slaps her hand to her forehead.>

Kim: "We'll forgive you only because you're young. But please don't do that again."

Chrissie: "Well, I, for one, am glad that you're on the case, Mr. Holmes. If you weren't here, I don't know who would solve this problem."

<The cultured voice of a suave and debonair man joins the conversation.>

Man: "I would."

<Soft, intense music suddenly strikes up from no discernable source, and a man who looks a lot like Pierce Brosnan in a tuxedo walks into the players' lounge. Every woman in the room -- even the lesbians -- immediately begin to swoon.>

Watson: "By jove, it's...it's..."

Man: "The name is Bond. James Bond. Step aside, Mr. Holmes. I'm taking over this investigation."

Holmes: "Since when?"

Bond: "Our Majesty, the Queen, asked the Secret Service to get involved when Scotland Yard didn't produce any results in the first half hour of their investigation. I had just come off an assignment in Bulgaria, so they sent me. They wanted to send Austin Powers, but he was busy."

Watson (mumbling): "I suppose we should be thankful for small favors."

Kim (to Bond): "Forget Lleyton! I want to have your children!"

Venus: "I want to practice having children with you before we have children!"

Serena: "So do I!"

Maria: "SO DO I!"

Everyone (to Maria): "You're too young!"

Maria: "I DON'T CARE!"

Bond: "Now, now, ladies -- work before pleasure. Let's get down to business."

<Bond grabs Chris Evert, pulls her onto her back in his arms and plants one on her.

Holmes and Watson, their eyes growing wide, slowly lean forward to get a better view, as does every single person in the players' lounge. Holmes and Watson then look at each other and motion to themselves and point to Bond, as if to ask, What does he have that we don't?

The moment is interrupted when Bond's pager goes off. He stands Chrissie back up and leaves her gasping and woozy.>

Bond: "An emergency! I have to go!"

Watson: "Ah...er...hard luck, old chap."

Holmes: "Yes, it's a...real shame. We'll miss your expertise. What's happening?"

Bond: "Someone's trying to take over the world. One Mr. B. Gates, head of an organization known only as MS. M's calling me back because MI5's having trouble, but I need to get with Q, first."

Holmes: "Well, you're such a VIP, you'd better mind your P's and Q's and get back to M and Q ASAP or they'll consider you AWOL."

Bond (narrowing his eyes): "Don't mess with me, Mr. Holmes."

Holmes: "I wouldn't dream of it."

<Bond leaves. All the women stand and watch him go with dreamy eyes, waving after him sadly. As Bond walks out the door, the intense, exciting music disappears, as mysteriously as it arrived.

Holmes turns awkwardly to Chris Evert.>

Holmes: "Well, Ms. Evert...after all this ghastly business is over, could I take you out for a drink?"

Chrissie (looking at him blankly): "Get lost, creep."

<Chrissie stalks off, leaving Holmes and Watson standing alone. The other women all wander off, still looking dreamily after James Bond -- all except Serena Williams. She approaches Holmes.>

Serena: "Excuse me, Mr. Holmes?"

Holmes: "Yes?"

Serena: "I couldn't help but overhearing..."

Holmes: "Oh, pay that no mind! I'm sure it's simply that I am not her type."

Serena: "No, I don't care about that slick pass you just made at Chrissie. I'm talking about earlier, when you said you had a reputation to uphold. I just wanted to tell you that...well...that I understood what you were talking about, because I've been there...and that I believe in you. I know how it feels to be the best. When you're Number One, everyone wants to knock you down, even if you didn't do anything to deserve the aggravation. You just have to take things as they come and do the best you can. You know...just keep doing the thing that made you the best in the first place."

<Holmes stares at her for a moment, then puts a hand on her shoulder.>

Holmes: "Thank you, Miss Williams. You're very kind. Come along, Watson -- let's go speak with Miss Dokic. To the hospital!"
Spirit is offline  
post #14 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 30th, 2003, 10:39 PM
Team WTAworld
Senior Member
 
RayRob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 3,073
                     
getting better - how many parts will there be - I really want to find out who the culprit or culprits are!
RayRob is offline  
post #15 of 33 (permalink) Old Jun 30th, 2003, 11:14 PM
jmp
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 639
                     
Quote:
Originally posted by Spirit
Holmes: "People give off subtle clues when they are lying, and only professionally trained assassins and spies with many years of practice can prevent it."
I've noticed the same thing. I can hardly ever tell when professionally trained assassins and spies lie to me!

Part 4 was very entertaining. I liked the exchange between the players. The Bond cameo was a pleasant surprise. He da man!!

I hope Ms. Dokic can shed some light on this baffling conundrum.
jmp is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TennisForum.com forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome