Locker Room Confrontations! ALL NEW & EVEN BETTER! Starring Lindsay, Jenn, Vee, 'Ree
(Location: dark, fancy restaurant.)
(PATTY SCHNYDER is at the desk, speaking to the hostess.)
Patty: Could I be seated? I’ve been here a while.
Hostess: Sorry… there are a lot of big tennis stars in here now.
Patty: But I’m a professional player! Maybe you’ve heard of me… I’m..
Hostess: Excuse me.
(Already seated are JENNIFER CAPRIATI and her brother.)
Jennifer: This tastes horrible.
Steven: You’re just made ‘cause Matthew Perry broke up with you.
Jennifer: Damn it! I’m mad cause of the Aussie, you idiot! I went out in the first round, remember? How come no one thinks I’m serious about my tennis? (Pats her stomach.) Besides, Matt got a little fat.
(in walk SERENA and VENUS WILLIAMS, overhearing Jennifer.)
Venus: That’s a laugh, coming from you-know-who! (giggles)
Jennifer: Bitch! F*** you! (jumps up and tries to hit Venus, missing badly)
Serena: (watching the wild swing.) Hmm, just like her game.
Jennifer; S***.. With the low light and my eye surgery, I can’t see a thing! Talk, B****, so I know where you are! (keeps swinging)
(in walk LINDSAY DAVENPORT and Mr. DAVEN-TO-BE.)
Hostess: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Davenport! Right this way.
(LINDSAY walks over near JENNIFER’s table, flashing her big engagement ring. The bright flash temporarily lights up the room and blinds VENUS.)
Jennifer: There you are. Now hold still you black b****! (swings at Venus, grazing her nose.)
Venus: Yow Ming! That was close.
Serena: (suddenly talkin’ street)
‘Old up, bee-yotch! You don’t want me to go Compton on yo’ ass! I may live in Palm Beach, but I was raised in the PJ’s!! (Adopts a martial arts pose and prepares to fight JENNIFER.)
Steven: Hey hey hey… everyone just relax! C’mon Jennifer, you really don’t need this kind of press. (Pulls JENNIFER away, who is trying to hit the waiter now that the room is dark again.)
(AT another table sit KIM CLIJSTERS and LLEYTON HEWITT.)
Kim: Sorry about your loss, honey.
Lleyton: ‘Sawright, luv. Ah’ll be back. You’ll be back too, swee’ art.
Kim: (Glances at Serena.) All I know is I had blisters all over my feet—you didn’t see me calling for a medical timeout. No matter…Belgium uber alles.
Kim: How can I say it… um .. Belgium ROOLS!
Lleyton: Oh! Got it. Speakin’ o’ losin’, a fella could sure use some serious consolation, if you know what I mean.
Kim: No, what?
Lleyton: Y’know… a massage.
Kim: (confused) A massage? Doesn’t your trainer do that?
Lleyton: No, no.. y’know, luv, a deep tissue massage. (winks.)
Kim: (still confused) Usually my English is very good, but..
Lleyton: Neva mind, luv, here’s John, I’ll ask ‘im.
(LLEYTON goes up to Mr. DAVEN-TO-BE.)
Lleyton: ‘ey Johnny-boy. ‘Ow are ya?
John: Fine, Lleyton, what’s up?
Lleyton: It’s my little lady over there. (waves at Kim.) She won’t… you know… take the plunge.
John: Huh? She won’t work out in the pool?
Lleyton: No, no, no..Christ—first ‘er, now you! Everyone around here acts like they’ve never had sex!
John: Well, we haven’t.
John: Don’t you know Lindsay is the nicest girl on tour? She has her reputation to think of!
Lleyton: Christ A’mighty.
John: (after a pause)… I’m just bullsh****’ ya.
Lleyton: Whew! Ya had me goin’ there for a minute. What’s your secret?
John: C’mere. Now listen, and learn. (walks over and points to LINDSAY’S ring... LINDSAY is offering some anger management tips to JENNIFER.)
Lindsay:...then, I count to ten, and tell myself that the linesman is probably a nice person who just make an honest mistake...
Jennifer: That's effin amazing.
(Back to LLEYTON and JOHN)
Lleyton: Yeah, I know you’re engaged, but…
John: No… Listen. You want your girl to invest in you, right? To commit? Well you’ve got to invest in her first! You’ve got to put up to make sure she puts out. Get it?
Lleyton: ‘Oim right wid ya, mate. Besides, ‘Oim loaded!
John: That’s the spirit…you’ve got money to burn… and you don’t have to marry them! I just gave Lindsay the ring so she’d do the nasty!
Lleyton: F****’ brilliant, mate. ‘Anks a lot.. (looks at his watch.) Say, do you know any jewelry stores open after 9 PM? I’m kinda in a hurry…
(LINDSAY walks over.)
Lindsay: Did I hear something about investments? Are you giving him some banking tips?
John: Exactly, darling.
Lindsay: You’re so sweet.
(They kiss and sit down.)
(In walk MARTINA HINGIS and SERGIO GARCIA, right past PATTY SCHNYDER.)
Martina: I hope the lobster is better this time.
Sergio: Yes, pumpkin.
(After them, STEFFI GRAF and ANDRE AGASSI walk in, with their son JADEN.)
Martina: Not him again.
Sergio: Don’t you like kids?
Martina: I guess they’re OK, as long as my mom takes care of them.
(JADEN toddles over right near their table. Suddenly, from the direction of his pants, comes a sound….)
Martina. (sniffs the air.) Oh my God. Did you hear that? Jaden just pooped his pants right here!! Garcon! Garcon!! I want this….this thing removed immediately!
(STEFFI & ANDRE walk up)
Steffi &Andre: What’s the problem?
Martina: Your son has a little something extra in his pants.
Andre: What’s wrong with that? He’s a baby.
Martina: Well, it stinks, for one, and I’m trying to eat for another! That smell does NOT go with blanched asparagus.
Steffi: I think it smells great, don’t you Andre?
Andre: Yes, Rosebud.
Martina: They have a kid..and they go insane. Steffi used to be the most stuck-up girl on tour.. .now she thinks her son’s poop smells like perfume!
Patty: (still at the door)
Remind me to never get pregnant.
All: With that hair??!!
Last edited by c2; Jan 26th, 2003 at 09:39 PM.