The Lena D. Bachelorette Party Confrontation Thread
OPEN ON A DARK ROOM. OCCASIONAL GIGGLES BREAK THE SILENCE. FROM OUTSIDE, WE HEAR VOICES, ONE IN PARTICULAR SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
But Mommy Vera said no wild parties. And no boys.
A DOOR OPENS. SILOHETTED IN THE LIGHT: ALLA K., LENA D. AND DINARA.
A BUNCH OF PLAYERS CRY OUT:
SURPRISE! ITíS YOUR BACHERLORETTE PARTY, LENA D.!
THE LIGHTS COME ON. WE SEE LENA IS BLINDFOLDED AS DINARA AND ALLA LEAD HER INTO THE ROOM.
Oh dear. This isnít going to be a wild party, is it? No alcohol, no boys, no naughty movies, noÖ
No, Lena, just cookies and milk.
DINARA TAKES OFF THE BLINDFOLD. LENA LOOKS AROUND. SHE POINTS AT A MARGARITA MACHINE.
That doesnít look like milk to me.
Yes. Itís the Slurpee machine Sania and I had in last yearís Halloween Confrontation.
REE AND VEE STEP FORWARD AND GIVE LENA A SMALL PACKAGE.
LENA OPENS IT. THEREíS A KENNEDY HALF-DOLLAR INSIDE.
But why would I want a coin with a picture of the President who was outsmarted by our great Russian leaders during the Turkish Missile Crisis?
Thatís a very sentimental coin. The one Dad used for Vee and me. I figure you can use it to decide how itís gonna be with Maxim. You wanna have a headache, give him tails. You want him to get lucky, heads.
You mean that coin isÖ
But why would I want to have a headache? And why wouldnít I want Max to be fortunate? Maybe if he was lucky he would score more goals and his team would win the championshipÖ
Watching her brain is like watching a retarded puppy trying to climb out of its basket. So sad, yet so funny. Hey, JJ, pass me another MargaóI mean Slurpee.
Open mine next!
LENA OPENS CAROíS PRESENT. IT IS WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A LARGE DILDO. WELL, ONLY TO ANY ONE BUT LENA.
LENA STICKS THE SEX TOY OVER HER FINGER AND WAVES IT AROUND.
A big novelty finger to remind me that the #1 tennis player in the world is one of my best friends! Thatís so sweet of you!
CARO TURNS TO SAFINA AND HANDS HER A $50.
I canít believe you won that bet.
SAFINA and ALLA:
LENA OPENS A LARGE VIBRATOR.
Oh, what fun! I didnít know it was going to be a karaoke party! We have batteries for the microphone, but no DVD. I wonder where it is?
ALLA HANDS DINARA $50.
Jesus, I donít believe it.
Iíve known her a long time.
QUEEN MASHA AND ALEXA GLATCH STEP UP.
We will unveil our present now.
Yes, your Extreme Recognizableness.
ALEXA PULLS A DRAPE OFF A ELABORATELY FRAMED PICTURE.
We wish you to have this lovely portrait of us and our soon-to-be royal consort. We are certain you will display it proudly in your hovel.
Itís Ö ItísÖ
Observe that it is painted on the flayed skin of a peasant.
YANINA HANDS ELENA A PRESENT.
ELENA OPENS IT, REVEALING A SMALL BOTTLE.
What is this? Perfume?
No. Itís a slow-acting, yet undetectable poison. Heíll take hours to die.
But I donít want to kill my Maxim!
Oh. My bad. Can I have it back? There was this one ball kid at Cincinatti last yearÖ
Thatís so rude. You canít just take a gift back. Now, here you are Lena, dear. A bottle of my 2012 wine. Itís going to be even better than the 2011!
How the hell can she have wine from a year that hasnít even happened yet?
The same way Lenaís going to have babies without ever having sex. Nothing in these confrontations ever makes a lick of sense.
Hey, open my gift.
LENA OPENS A VERY SHEER NIGHTGOWN.
Itís lovely! I have the perfect bra to wear with it!
Oh, good Lord. Here. Even you can figure out what these are for.
LENA OPENS A BOX CONTAINING SEVERAL PAIRS OF SPLIT CROTCH PANTIES.
Oh dear. All these lovely panties are torn. But donít worry, Jelena. When I was a little girl and Mommy Vera sewed all my tennis dresses, she taught me as well! Iím a whiz with a needle and thread. Iíll soon fix them right up!
FLAVIA AND FRANCESCA ARE NEXT.
Poor girl. We think maybe you will be nervous. So we brought you something.
Something to calm you, make you relaxed.
THEY HAND LENA A CIGAR SIZE DOOBIE.
I donít smokeÖ
But you should, really. Trust me on this one.
LENA OPENS A VIDEO CAMERA.
Oh, the irony.
VIKA MAKES HER OFFERING.
ITíS A STRAP-ON HARNESS, ONLY IT CONTAINS A SNICKERS BAR.
Fuck his mouth! Iíll fuck your mouth!
Fuck my mouth!
I thought someone said there were cookiesÖ
No, just mouth-fucking Snickers!
Speaking of things to eatÖ
LENA OPENS A BOX OF EDIBLE BOXER SHORTS.
Those were the best. The store had like 12 flavors. I tried them all, and the peppermint ones were definitely the best. The strawberry ones were pretty good,too. The lime, not so muchÖ
A KNOCK AT THE DOORÖ.
Woo! The stripper is here!
ENTER RAFA NADAL!
ELENA COVERS HER EYES.
Iím going to fuck his mouth!
RAFA BEGINS TO DANCE, STRIPPING OFF HIS SHIRT.
His boobies are even smaller than JustineísÖ
Oh my God, you mean youíve never even seen a guy with his shirt offÖ
DISSOLVE TO LENA, WITH HER BACK TO US, TOSSING AND TURNING IN BED. SHE SITS UP.
Oh, thank God it was all a dream. And today, I marry my beloved Maxim.
SHE GETS OUT OF BED, HER LONG BLOND HAIR FALLING OVER HER FACE, AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM OFF CAMERA.
FROM THE BATHROOM, A PIERCING SCREAM.
WE CUT TO HER REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.
SHE STARES IN HORROR.
HER MOUTH IS
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
"I read on the internet that there is something chipmunky about me :-)"--Andrea H.[/SIZE]
Jo-La Queen of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs