locker room confessions continued -
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old Oct 18th, 2002, 03:41 PM Thread Starter
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locker room confessions continued

Reporter: Okay ladies, things got a little out of hands just a moment ago. Jennifer has agreed to come back in with the rest of the group to finish the interview.

(Jennifer walks back into the room with cigarette in mouth)

Monica: cough...cough...cough..

Lindsay: OMG Jen, what are you doing smoking a cigarette.

Martina: Like, yeah Jenjaver...tobacco kills.

Jennifer: So what...sleeping around kills too! We're going to die anyways.

Reporter: Jennifer, do you mind?

Jennifer: Aw sh!t...(drops the cigarette on the floor and puts it out with her shoe)...are you square pegs happy?

Reporter: Now, what were we discussing before catfight took place.

Monica: I think the topic was about Martina's decision to take the rest of 2002 off.

Jennifer: (Pulling a little round container out of her pocket and pinching a quarter size amount of chewing tobacco and carefully packs the rightside of her mouth)...yeah, yeah, yeah...we were discussing Miss Wuss' decision to run from the Williams Sisters like a Swiss Alp Beatch!

Lindsay: That was totally uncalled for Jennifer!

Jennifer: Oh, I'm sorry Did I offend the 3 Pus-kateers? It appears that I am the only one here that isn't afraid of playing Shaquille and Barry Bonds.

Monica: As're the only one here that is obsessed with beating the sisters.

Martina: I can't possibly compete with Venus and Serena at the level I'm playing.

Reporter: And what level would that be.

Martina: I'm getting really tired to early in the match and not able to run effectively.

Lindsay: Same here...our matches used to be really, really close.

Jennifer: (Stands up and starts to clap...clap...clap...clap) All I know is you two are the two biggest cramps that I have even seen in my whole phucking life! Ya'll have allowed them to take over our game.

Monica: You are way out of line.

Jennifer: Speaking of lines...isn't there a TACO BELL LINE WITHOUT YOU IN IT!

Lindsay: Don't pay her no attention Mon.

Monica: No, no...I'm tired of being the little good girl. Speaking of that left over powder on your mustache from the line you did before this interview.

Lindsay: Mustache (rotflhao)...

Martina: Come on you two...this is not the kind of support I need right now.

Reporter: (blowing a whistle that she pulled out of her purse)...TIME OUT!

To everyone's surprise...Jennifer automatically turns around and faces the wall and put her hands on the wall.



Reporter: Jennifer (whispering in a mother/psychiatrist like voice)'s okay. Let go of the wall.

Background whispering...

Monica: She's crazy, I mean really crazy.

Martina: Like, uh, you said it Mon.

Lindsay: Doesn't surprise me at all.

Jennifer: You'll have to excuse me...every now and then the purple unicorn with the police uniform tells me to assume the position.

Lindsay: (scooting her chair away) O-OK

Reporter: If you ladies are ready...I have the Williams Sisters on the phone.

Hey Venus...Hey Serena.

Serena: Hello.

Venus: Hello.

Reporter: I have with me Martina, Monica, Lindsay and Jennifer.

Serena: Hey ladies.

L/M/M: Hey Serena.

Jennifer: Hey!

L/M/M: Hey Venus

Venus: Hi Lindsay...Hi Martina...Hi Monica.

Reporter: Jennifer is here too.

Venus: I know.

Reporter: We're sitting here talking about Martina's decision to take some time off and clear her mind.


Serena: Yes, I heard.

Venus: I didn't

Reporter: It was announced the other day. It's on all of the websites.

Venus: I didn't see it.

Reporter: Well how do you feel about her decision.

Serena: I fully support Martina's decision.

Venus: How do I feel about what?

Reporter: Her decision

Venus: What does it matter?

Reporter: will this effect the game.

Venus: No, what does it matter to me. Martina needs to make the best decision for her.

Serena: What she means is it is totally up to Martina.

Venus: What I mean is what I said...what does it matter to me. I have way too many things in my life to deal with...

Reporter: Like, how to beat your sister in 2003?

Jennifer: GOOD QUESTION...I've been wondering that myself.

Venus: First of all...I love my sister with all my heart and I want so much for her to do well in every tournament. I just don't sit around thinking about how to beat a person...that's for insecure people.

Lindsay: I agree with Venus...

Jennifer: What's phucking new...

Lindsay: (looks over to Jennifer and rolls her eyes) can't worry about another's persons game. You have to play your game.

Reporter: Serena, is that what you did at the Roland Garros, Wimbledon and the U.S. Open?

Serena: Naturally I played my game, but Venus is soooooooooo talented...I had to stay calm and focused.

Jennifer: Crockuvbullsh!t

Serena: Excuse me?

Reporter: Your serve was definitely on while Venus' was definitely off...can you explain.

Venus: You just did. Her serve was on and mine was off.

more giggles

Serena: OMG! Whenever I know that I have to play Venus, especially in a slam...especially on her turf Wimbledon...I'm just praying to my JEHOVAH the whole time to let my serve go in...let my serve go's like you are playing a professional football team. She's everywhere...OMG...I know that you all could see me shaking...I was sooooo nervous.

Jennifer: Crockuvbullbullsh!t!

Monica: I didn't see her shaking.

Martina: Uh, like, her a$$ was bouncing everywhere, but shaking...I don't know.

Lindsay: I didn't watch

Jennifer: I tell you it's A CROCK OF BULLSH!T

Monica: Will you please be quiet!

Serena: Excuse me?

Martina: She's not talking to you Serena...she's telling Jennifer to be quiet.

Venus: I thought we were talking about Martina leaving and not us playing against each other?

Reporter: You're absolutely correct. Do you feel a void whenever a top player is out with an injury.

Venus: Yes, I've play both Lindsay and Martina so many times...likes 18, 19, 20 times sort of look forward to playing those players.

Reporter: Is that right Linzi and Marti.

L/M: Yes it is.

Venus: With Jennifer...she just started playing top 10...quality it's hard to say.

more giggles

Jennifer: What did that classless b!tch say about my tennis?

Reporter: holds down the mute button

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old Oct 18th, 2002, 04:54 PM
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Jennifer: What did that classless b!tch say about my tennis?

Reporter: holds down the mute button


Monica: That Classless b!tch said, "that you just recently started playing top ten tennis."

Venus: What did you call me monica?

Lindsay: Um, vee, I think she was just quoting Jen.

Venus: My name is venus, not vee, and if venus is to hard for you to pronounce then The Queen will suffice.

Jennifer: someone needs to like get off their phucking high horse! (takes a puff on her ciggy)

Venus: I wasn't aware I was on your back, sorry.


Serena: Can we please just stick to the subject!

Reporter: Ok ladies how about we talk about something less confrontational?

Serena: Like Fashion! I have a new outfit I'm planning for my next tournament.

Martina: oh no.

Linday: <groan>

Venus: LordhavemercypleaseforgivemeifIhavetolieaboutanoth eroutfit.

Reporter: what was that venus?

Venus: Nothing.

Jennifer: Nothing my white italitan florida by way of brooklyn ass! <blows smoke rings>

Monica: she said the A word. mY pastor says the A word will land you in hole of sin.

Venus: Jen knows all about holes, k holes, ass holes...


Lindsay: maybe fashion is not such a safe topic.

Martina: especially when you wear hefty garbarge bags linds.

Lindsay: what! they're not hefty they're glaad!

Serena: I can give you fashion tips Lindsay, dont worry.

Jennifer: You better phucking run lindsay before she like wraps your ass in a spandex catsuit.

Monica; She said the A word again.

Venus: dont worry monica it doesnt count because lindsay doesnt really have an ass.

<Lindsay checks her behind out.>

Linday: I do too have an ass! Just because its not mac truck sized doesnt mean its not there!

Martina: ooooo as they say on rikki lake, "dont go there girlfriend."

Monica: I love that show Girlfriends on upn.

Everyone: You watch UPN?

Jennifer: I bet the like the phucking cosby twins over there dont even like watch UPN.

Serena: i'd rather be a cosby twin than the illegitmate daughter of Ozzie Osborn and Chynna.

Martina: Ha! YOu williams sisters are just so funny, maybe you should be on UPN.

Venus: only when they put you on the sci fi network.

Lindsay: Come on lets try at least to get along. I mean I'm getting married soon.

Monica: Married? Oh I hope its nothing serious? Will you be in the hospital long?

Jennifer: What the like phuck are you talking about? She said married, boy meets girl, girl and boy phuck, girl marries boy!

Serena: someone gag her please.

Jennifer: I like gagged enough watching like you in your catsuit.

Monica: I hope i get married soon.

Martina: Didn't you hear the middle part monica? That has to happen first.

Venus: It does not. Don't listen to them Moncia, save your virginity.

Jennifer: Oh yeah like we all believe that stud boytoy phucking bodyguard doesn't have a hands on work ethic. Dont worry I'll take him off your hands if you dont like want him.

Serena: ooo dont let her talk to you like that venus!

Venus: If you can steal him then he wasn't really mine anyway.

Jennifer: goddammit dont you ever like get phucking angry!?

Lindsay: Last time I saw her angry she was screaming over beads at the aussie open.

Martina: Oh yes I remember the pearls so well. Ha!

Jennifer: you should cause like that was the last time you like beat them when they were wearing pearls. <jen digs in her bag and brings out a silver flask>

Monica: jennifer! what is that?

Jennifer: flavored water.

Serena: vodka flavored.

Jennifer: how did you know? <she takes a swig and passes it to monica>

Monica: oh, I , um my pastor says that spirits will sully my soul and that I should bring it all to him when I have some.

Martina: Give that to me. <she swipes the flask and takes a swig> Thats better. I need all the relief I can get these days.

Monica: actually youre whole game is a relief. Youre so easy to beat now.

Martina: what?

Lindsay: shes right.

Venus: its true.

Serena: I gotta agree.

Martina: And you jennifer, what do you think?

Jennifer: <burps> Please like you know you've been my biatch for like two years straight now.

Martina: oooo you just wait jennifer. When we meet again in the aussie final I will cream you so bad.

Venus: that sounds vaguely smutty to me.

Monica: speaking of smut can we go back to the middle part?

Jennifer: MONICA you wouldnt like know what to do with a dick even if you had like touched one before!

Monica: Jen your so stupid women dont wear dickies!

Serena: they sure dont where I come from.

Linday: Monica youre never going to steal mike sell back from his wife.

Martina: Oooo monica your so devious. Who knew? We must hang out more.

Jennifer: If you want to like steal him you got to work him like this...<jen works the ciggy gently in and out of her mouth then puffs a long stream of smoke>

Venus: that was obscene! Do it again.

Martina: Jennifer youre such a showoff. To bad you can't apply that technique on court.

Serena: she can during mixed doubles.

Lindsay: lol!

Monica: i dont see how smoking will get me mike sell.

Jennifer: Godddamit you twit! you gotta like release youre phucking inner hussy.

Serena: emphasis on the phucking part.

Monica: But my pastor says that hussies are not allowed in the gates of heaven but are welcome to the confessional booth on saturdays after six.

VEnus: Okay, too much information. Remind me never to go to church with you.


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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old Oct 18th, 2002, 08:52 PM
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Funny stuff

The WTA Women of Wonder Featuring....The Goddess: Venus Williams The Glamazon: Serena Williams The Lioness: Jennifer Capriati The High Priestess: Monica Seles The Saint: Kim Clijsters The Phoenix: Chanda Rubin The Bon Vivant: Amelie Mauresmo The Titan: Lindsay Davenport The Courtesan: Anna Kournikova The Exile: Martina Hingis The Sorceress: Anatasia Myskina The Minx: Maria Sharapova
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