Last Flight out of London '09 - TennisForum.com

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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Last Flight out of London '09

OPEN ON THE PLANE. LENA D'S FLIGHT ATTENDANTS UNIFORM IS BARELY VISIBLE BECAUSE SHE IS SWATHED FROM HEAD-TO-TOE IN BANDAGES. SHE HAD A BIG BLACK EYE. DINARA STANDS NEXT TO HER, DRESSED IN A FLIGHT ATTENDANTS UNIFORM THAT IS A COUPLE OF SIZES TOO SMALL--LIKE MAYBE SHE BORROWED IT FROM LENA.

DINARA:
Are you sure I have to do this?

LENA:
Yes. Mommy Vera says that if you blow enough opportunities at majors you have to come up with a second job. Like being a flight attendant for World Trans Airlines.

DINARA:
Two questions. Why should I listen to Mommy Vera, and what the heck happened to you?

LENA:
Mommy Vera is perfect and all-knowing. This is a fact. Second, did you not see that knife fight I was in the other day? What a brawl! You should see the other girl though. She probably can’t even walk!

ENTER SVETA:

Hello pretty girl. Sveta mad. Sveta not get flight when she win Slam.

Sveta swam her from France. Sveta so tired she lose. Sveta sad. Sveta sad and mad.

ENTER ORACENE AND MOMMY VERA:

MV:
Once again, I am forced to watch as idiot daughter invents new ways to lose.

ORACENE:
At least you don’t have to sit there and watch with your ex-husband with some bimbo bouncing up and down like a damn jack-in-the-box.

ENTER THE MASHAS.

QUEEN MASHA:
We think it’s a shame they had to cancel Wimbledon this year. We have officially struck it from the official records.

LENA (to Masha the Lesser)
I thought you quit that lady-in waiting gig…

LIL MASHA:
Hey, I lost my Stella contract. What am I supposed to live on? My tournament winnings?

ENTER ANA AND JJ:

JJ:
Ana, do you ever have that “not so fresh feeling?”

ANA:
Shut up! I don’t want to talk about it!”

JJ:
Damn, you’re a cranky bitch. Here, I’ve got Pamprin, Midol…

SABINE IS COMING FROM THE BACK OF THE PLANE TOWARD THE RESTROOMS. CARO IS COMING FROM THE FRONT OF THE PLANE TOWARD HER SEAT…

CARO:
You wanna get out of my way?

SABINE:
Why don’t you get out of my way?

CARO:
Don’t make me call the flight attendant.

SABINE:
What’s the big deal? We go to our seats on this plane after every tournament.

ENTER VEE.

LENA:
Hi, Venus! Boy, I bet that was your easiest title defense ever!

VEE:
Shut up, Lena.

LENA:
But I almost beat her! She could barely walk off the court! How did she come back?

VEE:
Damn coin toss.

SABINE:
Don’t you have some Legos to play with?

CARO:
At least I won’t be wearing those goofy, lame-ass adidas togs you wear any more. I’m the new glamour girl. You move your lame kraut ass.

LENA:
Oh dear. This plane, much like this routine, will never get off the ground.

ORACENE:
Hmmm. Looks like we may be here for a while. Say, Vera, you want to play the Reverse Dozens?

MV:
What is this game?

ORACENE:
Well, I say something like “Your daughter’s teeth so yellow, when she smiles traffic slows down.”

MV:
How is this a game? You have simply made an accurate observation about useless daughter."

ORACENE:
Yes, but now you get to make an equally accurate observation about my useless daughter. Until one of us runs out of observations.

MV:
For example, I might point out that Serena’s butt is so big it takes her two trips to haul ass…

ORACENE:
Then I say "You daughter's arms are so hairy she looks like a Chia pet..."

MV:
Oh, I like this game ...

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs

Last edited by miffedmax; Jul 5th, 2009 at 02:49 PM.
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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 02:42 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09



Great as always!

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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 02:45 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post

LIL MASHA:
Hey, I lost my Stella contract. What am I supposed to live on? My tournament winnings?
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 02:49 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

The game

ORACENE:
At least you don’t have to sit there and watch without you ex-husband with some bimbo bouncing up and down like a damn jack-in-the-box.



Les reines de Paris.
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 02:52 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post

ORACENE:
At least you don’t have to sit there and watch with your ex-husband with some bimbo bouncing up and down like a damn jack-in-the-box.

--


LENA:
Hi, Venus! Boy, I bet that was your easiest title defense ever!

VEE:
Shut up, Lena.

LENA:
But I almost beat her! She could barely walk off the court! How did she come back?

VEE:
Damn coin toss.



Brilliant as always.

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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 03:20 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 03:55 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Barely elicited a chuckle.
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 04:30 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Haven't read one of these in a while.

A lovely read as usual.
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 04:34 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 04:37 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

I don't know, I must be missing something. I never laughed once....
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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 04:39 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

great

KIM CLIJSTERS & JELENA JANKOVIC
PETRA KVITOVA..ANGELIQUE KERBER..MARIA SHARAPOVA..MADISON KEYS
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 04:40 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

I only laughed at the one line I quoted.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 06:05 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Amazing, as always

Sharapova | Jankovic | Pavlyuchenkova

“They are definitely a good example of how local communities can overcome the ‘victim syndrome,’ take greater control over their lives and build productive futures for themselves,” Ms. Sharapova said - UN Goodwill Ambassador
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 06:37 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09


as always

Sharapova
Azarenka Kerber
Pavlyuchenkova Sakkari Muguruza Goerges Wickmayer Kleybanova Kuznetsova Halep Shvedova Kasatkina Bencic Kanepi Svitolina Cirstea Tsurenko Vekic
Dementieva Clijsters Petrova
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old Jul 5th, 2009, 08:52 PM
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Re: Last Flight out of London '09

Love it love it love it!

Stosur/Pironkova/Robson/Govortsova/Kuznetsova/Safina/GB Girls
U.Radwanska/K.Bondarenko/A.Bondarenko/Azarenka/Mauresmo/A.Radwanska

Official Right Midfielder Of The Sveta Football Team
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