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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old May 17th, 2009, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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The Steampunk/parallel universe FO LRC...

MY STEAM-PUNK, PARALLEL UNIVERSE FRENCH OPEN LRC THREAD… MAYBE NOT YOUR THING, BUT I HAD SOME TIME TO KILL AND NEEDED TO WRITE SOMETHING GOOFY TO RELIEVE STRESS IN MY LIFE...

ELENA D. WALKS INTO THE LOCKERROOM AT … WELL, SHE HAS A STRANGE FEELING IT’S NOT ROLAND GARROS, BUT IT IS A MAJOR TENNIS COMPLEX IN FRANCE. SVETA, MASHA THE LESSER, VIKA, NADIA, ALL DRESSED IN VICTORIAN STYLE MAID ATTIRE WORK FURIOUSLY—SVETA STRINGS A RACKET, MAKIRI SHINES SHOES, VIKA SEWS ON THE HEM OF A FULL-LENGTH TENNIS DRESS, NADIA IS REGRIPPING ANOTHER RACKET…

LENA:
What on earth…

NADIA:
Well, if it is the great-granddaughter of the greatest choking idiot in all of Russia…

LENA;
No! I saw the poll on tennisforum! Sveta beat me, I swear!

SVETA:

Hey, no fair!

MAKIRI:
She’s talking about your great-grandfather, General Dementiev, who, at the Battle of Borodino…

VIKA:
Just when it seemed the Russian Empire would drive back the French, was ordered to charge…

NADIA:
And in a moment of blind, choking panic, attacked in the wrong direction.

SVETA:

Russia lost. Sveta sad. Sveta no get to play tennis. Sveta just racket caddy for nice French lady now.

LENA:
What? Russia has all the best tennis players. Well, except for Serena and Venus…

SVETA:
Shhh! Not say those names!!

NADIA:
And go put on some clothes, you shameless hussy. You can’t just stand around in your underthings like that.

LENA:
What? These are my tennis clothes?

MAKIRI:
Please. Russian girls aren’t allowed to play tennis. And no decent lady goes around showing her arms and legs.

LENA:
Decent? I’m such a prude I don’t even kiss my boyfriend! Mommy Vera still supervises all my dates!

SVETA:

Sveta sorry to hear about Maxim. He pretty man.

LENA:
What? What happened to Maxim?

VIKA:
You’re starting to piss me off, you blonde idiot. We all know Max got captured by the Anglo-American Empire and sent to their worst prison camp.

LENA:
Maxim is in Gitmo?

MAKIRI:
Worse. Much worse. He’s in Buffalo.

LENA:
Have I stumbled into some bizarre parallel universe? Or am I serving for a match and just having a worse panic attack than usual?

ENTER CARO:

What’s this? Why is my racket caddy standing around in her underwear? Get dressed at once Elena. I don’t have all day.

LENA:
Well, at least this part makes sense…Caro does pretty much own my ass these days.

ENTER JUSTINE AND A PREGNANT KIM.

JUSTINE:
Allez! Allez!

VIKA:
I HATE it when she does that! Shuddap already! I’ll be done in a minute!

JUSTINE:
Impertinent little bitch! Where is my other racket caddy and my stool!

ENTER SAFINA CARRYING A STOOL.

JUSTINE:
Put down the stool.

SAFINA SETS THE STOOL DOWN IN FRONT OF VIKA. JUSTINE CLIMBS ON TOP OF IT TO SLAP VIKA.

Maybe that will teach you some manners!

VIKA:
Yeah.

LENA:
Wait… I thought you had retired…and I thought Kim already had her baby.

SVETA:
O lordy! Sveta don’t know nothing ‘bout birthing no babies!

KIM:
Sveta…you know, I’ll go to the hospital, you know. It’s the, you know, modern thing, to, you know, do.

SVETA:
Sveta not know. That’s what Sveta just say. Why no one ever listen to Sveta?

JUSTINE:
Why would I retire? I just won the Grand Slam for the second straight time!

LENA:
No, because Serena just won the Australian…

JUSTINE:

The Australian? Who cares about those Anglo-American fake slams! I’m talking about the real Slams—the French, the Spanish and the Batavian Opens! You better watch it with your talk about those fake foreign slams. Your already a known associate of the terrorist Myskina and her RFLFF!

LENA:
The RFLFF?

KIM:
You know, the Russian Fucking Liberation Fucking Front …

ENTER THE SERB SISTERS AND THE SLOVAKS.

JUSTINE:

If it isn’t our beloved Austrian allies…

MEANWHILE, AT A LARGE FIELD OUTSIDE OF LONDON…

RICHARD WILLIAMS MEETS WITH HIS DAUGHTERS. THEY STAND BESIDE AN ORNATE STEAM-POWERED ZEPPELIN TYPE AIRSHIP WITH ORNATE PARACHUTES ON THEIR BACKS…

VEE:
Dad, are you sure this is a good idea.

RICHARD:
Brilliant idea. Best idea I’ve ever had.

REE:
Just dropping us into the middle of Paris in broad daylight…

VEE:
Shouldn’t we send an army or something?

RICHARD:
That’s what everybody expects. That’s just what the tennis establishment would have us do. I don’t listen to them. Now, here’s your pilot…

ENTER ALEXA GLATCH.

VEE:

Dad, she can’t even drive a steam-powered bicycle!

ALEXA:
Hey, this is a very risky flight. We could very easily crash.

REE:
Yes. Which is why we want a different pilot.

ALEXA:
Please, I must have survived 50, 60 crashes. Where else you gonna find a pilot with that kind of experience?

(TO BE CONTINUED...)

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old May 24th, 2009, 08:37 PM
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Re: The Steampunk/parallel universe FO LRC...

Wonderful!!






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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old May 24th, 2009, 08:50 PM
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old May 24th, 2009, 10:11 PM
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Re: The Steampunk/parallel universe FO LRC...

brilliant as always!!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old May 24th, 2009, 10:17 PM
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old May 25th, 2009, 01:15 AM
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Re: The Steampunk/parallel universe FO LRC...



Is Amelie the "nice French lady"?

Amelie Mauresmo


Au Revoir


"Form is temporary; class is permanent."
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old May 25th, 2009, 01:37 AM
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Re: The Steampunk/parallel universe FO LRC...

I'm hearing Sveta speaking with the voice of Mongo from Blazing Saddles.

"Sveta not know--has something to do with where choo-choo go."

/Larry Scott: the Difference Engine

"If you practice for ten years, you may begin to please yourself, after 20 years you may become a performer and please the audience, after 30 years you may please even your guru, but you must practice for many more years before you finally become a true artist—then you may please even God." --Ali Akbar Khan, 1922-2009
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