Skit about the Williams sisters and Indian Wells: And I am Telling You I'm Not Going
Larry Scott: Itís that time of year, ladies.
Serena Williams: I donít know why you even bother.
LS: You know, this year itís even mandatory.
SW: Seriously? Why do people actually want to go there? We gotta tell you Larry, but Palm Springs really is not our kind of place. Itís the kind of place where the new yearís parties are over at 9:30. We go to New York, or Miami, Paris, or wherever and thereís stuff to do. Itís fun to go to those places!
Venus Williams: This year Iíve been to Hong Kong, Australia, Dubai, and Mexico already and itís only March. After those places, I have to say, Palm Springs is pretty boring.
SW: In other places, you know, we have kids coming up to us, kids from underprivileged backgrounds, people of colour, coming up to us and telling us how much they love us. You know whoís in Palm Springs? Old white people! Itís basically the Ronald Reagan fan club over there. They donít like us, we donít like them, case closed.
LS: But thatís not the point. This is your job. This is a mandatory event and those old white people are hugely important to your sport. Old white people can actually afford to go to a tennis tournament!
VW: Whatís the deal with all these mandatory events anyway? If we ever played as much as you guys told us to, we wouldnít be tennis players anymore; weíd be lying in the sun, drinking margaritas with Martina Hingis and the Belgians.
SW: But not in Palm Springs!
VW: You know weíll be in Miami. We love Miami. You love Miami. We all love Miami. But having Indian Wells and Miami back to back is too much for us. Itís four weeks of ridiculous heat and hard courts. You know how injury-prone we are. And like we said, Palm Springs makes us cranky. By skipping Indian Wells, we get to spend nearly two months at home in Florida and keep ourselves healthy and happy so that weíre able to win majors and give you guys a lot of good publicity.
LS: But we want you in Indian Wells! By not showing up you create a lot of bad publicity, for us and for you! Didnít you hear Billie Jean King say that she wants you to go? I thought you respected her opinion.
SW: Of course we do.
VW: Weíd like to see her play in four continents in three months in searing heat against Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova in the first round with a half-filled stadium where everyone is rooting against her.
SW: In her home country!
LS: Weíre going to fine you if you donít go.
VW: How about this for a headline, Larry? ďWTA attempts to force Williams sisters to play in front of racists against their willĒ?
SW: Amen. And I am telling you, Iím not going.