i think this feature will amuse some and others will have a different reaction. personally, i thought most of the parts are funny.
The tennis-based TV drama that Maria Sharapova plans to help produce is only a vague idea in the minds of its creators at the moment. But if it were airing this week, how would the opening scenes from the Sony Ericsson Championships go?
By Kamakshi Tandon
Scene: The locker room at the WTA championships in Madrid. Seven players are inside. Enter Sharapova.
waves) Hey everyone! I made it!
laughs) Yeah Ė Venus says, ĎMerry Christmas.í
SHARAPOVA: Hey, I finished tied for eighth Ė and thatís when I hardly played.
IVANOVIC: Yes, thatís very exciting, Maria, but Daniela would have got in first because she played more tournaments.
SHARAPOVA: That doesnít make any sense. If I end up with the same number of points with fewer tournaments, didnít I do better? Playing a lot doesnít prove anything.
indignant) And whatís wrong with playing a lot?
HANTUCHOVA: Besides, I won two tournaments. Maria just won one.
KUZNETSOVA: And whatís wrong with winning just one tournament?
CHAKVETADZE: I won four Ė so Iím second? Justine has nine, Iíve got four. Jelena has four too. Ana, you have three?
IVANOVIC: And the final of Roland Garros. That was very exciting. But who breaks the tie between you and Jelena?
CHAKVETADZE: I guess Jelena Ė I didnít play as many tournaments as her.
KUZNETSOVA: No one plays as many tournaments as Jelena. Why do you play so much?
JANKOVIC: I was losing first round in every tournament last year, so I think I should enter every week just so I can get some matches. Then I started winning and I had such tough draws all the time, I was too tired to pull out. All those phone calls and fines, not to mention Larry always sobbing and pleading. Also, I donít really like to pull out.
SERENA: And whatís wrong with pulling out of events? If we hadnít given Larry all that practice, he never would have been to get all those millions out of Sony Ericsson.
SHARAPOVA: You guys take Larryís phone calls? During the winter he called me when I was in the middle of shopping and now heís straight on call-forwarding to Max. I mean, how many times do I have to tell him, no, I wonít change my cell phone carrier.
KUZNETSOVA: Justine, youíre very quiet.
HENIN: You know talking breaks my total focus on winning. Plus, Iím busy reading these 264 pages of notes from Carlos.
KUZNETSOVA: Come on, you can talk to me. Iím friends with everyone. I was even nice to Maria during Fed Cup. And what happened to the new, warm Justine we all keep hearing about?
HENIN: Of course, thatís why I didnít glare at anyone today.
KUZNETSOVA: So I hear youíve got a new boyfriend? Is that what the eyelinerís all about?
SERENA: Speaking of touchy subjects, how about Martina?
express shocked agreement)
JANKOVIC: Yeah, wow. When she started going out with Radek, I was like, ďWhat is she on?Ē but I didnít think I would actually get an answer.
HANTUCHOVA:I played doubles with her at the US Open and she seemed fine. I guess she didnít know then. Itís so strange. She's in Zurich with her new boyrfriend.
IVANOVIC: Who is it?
HANTUCHOVA: Heís Ukrainian. Likes horses, like her. Very rich.
SERENA: I hope heís got good insurance
CHAKVETADZE: By the way, is there going to be on-court coaching here?
HANTUCHOVA: It doesnít matter even if there is, Anna Ė your ex-coach canít come on the court and kick my water bottle.
CHAKVETADZE: I know Ė all the valuable tactics, he saved for his wifeís matches. All he told me was not to cry so much because my mascara runs.
JANKOVIC: It doesnít really matter whether they have the coaching or not, actually. Look at us: Ana gets her coach from her clothing company, Maria keeps saying hers is a hitting partner. Anna cannot even remember who is coaching her this week. Serena is using only her parents and Justine is, like, opening her mail on court. And I wonít even tell anyone who my coach is.
SERENA: Yeah, itís totally overrated. (whispers) Like Maria.
SHARAPOVA: What was that?
SHARAPOVA: I donít know what youíre all complaining about. Okay, so I lost my serve when my shoulder got busted and I had to borrow Elenaís spare one, but itís not like most of us are doing great.
Serena canít win unless she hasnít played in the last six months. Jelena canít win anymore because she canít stop playing. Ana stopped winning halfway through the summer, Anna only won halfway through the summer. Sveta canít win a final unless her opponent retires, and Daniela canít win a title outside Indian Wells unless itís to stop me getting into Madrid. And we all keep losing to Justine.
JANKOVIC: Justine is only winning because sheís playing like the guys with the spins and the variety. Is that even allowed? We should talk to Larry about it.
JUSTINE: Itís allowed because Iím shorter than all of you.
IVANOVIC: By the way, why did Venus decide not to come?
SERENA: Sheíll be here for UNESCO. Sheís not playing because she says sheís been having dizzy spells. But personally I think itís golf elbow.