Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul
OPEN ON THE INTERIOR OF THE PLANE. LENA D., DRESSED IN HER FLIGHT ATTENDANTíS OUTFIT, STANDS BY THE FRONT DOOR.
CHAKY IS THE FIRST TO ENTER. HER EYES ARE RED FROM CRYING AND ALL THE RACKETS IN HER BAG ARE SMASHED.
(EVER SINCE I HAD MOMMY VERA ABANDON LENA FOR SESIL, IíVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REUNITE THEM, AND WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENS)
Hello, Anna! Say, did you use any of the tips I gave you for your semifinal?
Tips? All you did was talk for an hour about how playing on Ashe was the most stressful thing youíd ever done, and how Sveta is invincible in New York, and how my serve is nearly as awful as yours and how hard it is to even see the ball during big matches! By the time you were done I was such a nervous wreck! And then you had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go shopping!
Well, thatís the kind of coaching I get.
ENTER VEE AND REE:
Man, I canít believe we both lost to that little Belgian runt.
She beat you, but not me.
I didnít say she beat us. I said we lost to her. Thereís a difference.
Okay, you may have lost to her, but I didnít. Iím the US Open Champion, I donít care what anyone else says.
No, youíre not.
Yes I am. I beat your ass in the finals again.
Please, itís a long flight. Donít fight. Can I get you something?
ENTER QUEEN MASHA:
Nonsense. There is only one Queen of the US Open and it is us. We void this yearís result by royal fiat.
Whereís the other Masha?
We had to fire her as she was winning too many matches and distracting from us. Besides, we have heard a rumor that some of our subjects would like for us to have bigger boobs.
(QUEEN MASHA CLAPS HER HANDS; LARRY SCOTT AND TED ROBINSON APPEAR CLAD IN LOINCLOTHES)
And these were the biggest boobs I could find.
Well, I may not have won, but I still have the most unpronounceable name of any contender . . .
The hell you do! My name is impenetrable! Even I canít pronounce it!
ENTER THE SERBIANS AND VAIDISOVA:
Oh, woe is we.
Itís a good thing Iím so adorable. Otherwise people might notice I have the mobility of Hadrianís Wall.
Itís a good thing Iím so witty, or people might notice my serve is almost as horrific as you know whose.
I canít believe Juergen kicked me to the curb. It was kind of weird, though. The whole time we were together he kept muttering about biting him, and horses and . . .
We donít understand why it is that men want to talk so much when they are in bed. It is so hard to concentrate! And they are such babies, expecting us to drive them to the hospital afterwards over a little case of frostbite . . .
ENTER MOMMY VERA.
Has anybody seen my thick-thighed, hairy-armed useless lump of a daughter?
ANA POINTS TO LENA, WHO IS BUSILY TRYING TO WEDGE THE DRINKS CART INTO AN OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.
HEY! I have come back, useless daughter who canít event get to second week of a Slam!
LENA: (JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND CLAPPING WITH GLEE)
Oh! Mommy Vera! I knew you were my real mommy all along! But I thought you were going to only coach Sesil . . .
When she got her tasteless tramp stamp I knew she was not the sort of girl I could work with.
A tramp? Poor Sesil is a hobo? Thatís so sad . . . (Lena starts to cry)
No, is Sveta who is sad. Sveta have lost. Sveta was nervous.
But you are so good, what made you nervous?
Poor Sveta had no idea it was up to me to avenge all the humiliations Belgium has heaped upon our beloved Mother Russia. Weight of all history was squarely on Svetaís sturdy shoulders.
What? What has Belgium ever done to Russia?
Lena D. told me all about it.
Well, I might have exaggerated . . .
Well, I may have told her that Napoleon was Belgian. And Hitler. And Ghengis Khan. And Ronald Reagan. And Nastya Myskina And Serena . . . I was only trying to get her inspired with a nice pep talk like the one I gave you . . .
This is dark, sad day for Mother Russia. We should all cry like Bepa . . .
Not as dark as October 15, 1981.
SUDDENLY, THE DOOR TO THE BATHROOM FLIES OPEN AND JUSTINE EMERGES.
Help! Help! There is a crazy man in the bathroom!
Donít be silly.
I am telling you there is a man! I was sitting in the stall when I saw this face peering in. Then he started to stomp his foot. Then he stuck his hand under the door! He is horrible pervert, and it is your job to get rid of him!
(LENA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. THERE ARE SOUNDS OF A SCUFFLE. SOUNDS OF LENA D YELLING SOMETHING ABOUT ďDOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW ABOUT THIS?Ē FINALLY, LENA D. EMERGES, DRAGGING AN OLD, BESPECTACLED MAN IN A SUIT BY THE EAR).
Sir, this is a WTAWorld flight. Only women tennis players are allowed on this plane, you naughty Senator!
But I swear, I thought she was a boy!
Merde, not again! Why do all these men think I am a little boy?
Itís so awful! Lena D. has caught this horrible man trying to molest Justine!
Justine? What would he want with her? Hey, listen, for just $200,000 you and your tennis federation can have me . . .
Just a goshdarned minute! Are you implying that I would cheat on my wife with another woman? What do you think I am, some kind of Democrat?
What should we do to this horrible man? He deserves to be punished.
We could waterboard him . . .
Letís hit him with our rackets . . .
Letís hit our tennis balls as his . . .
Letís find a horse and . . .
No! You are all too merciful.
What? Those sounded pretty harsh . . .
I have here tape of useless daughter at Roland Garros final . . .
NOOOOOO! No one deserves that . . .
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs