Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul - TennisForum.com
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
Worshipping the bangs
 
miffedmax's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Larsson's Player Forum
Posts: 53,867
                     
Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

OPEN ON THE INTERIOR OF THE PLANE. LENA D., DRESSED IN HER FLIGHT ATTENDANTíS OUTFIT, STANDS BY THE FRONT DOOR.

CHAKY IS THE FIRST TO ENTER. HER EYES ARE RED FROM CRYING AND ALL THE RACKETS IN HER BAG ARE SMASHED.

(EVER SINCE I HAD MOMMY VERA ABANDON LENA FOR SESIL, IíVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO REUNITE THEM, AND WELL, IT FINALLY HAPPENS)

LENA D:
Hello, Anna! Say, did you use any of the tips I gave you for your semifinal?

ANNA:
Tips? All you did was talk for an hour about how playing on Ashe was the most stressful thing youíd ever done, and how Sveta is invincible in New York, and how my serve is nearly as awful as yours and how hard it is to even see the ball during big matches! By the time you were done I was such a nervous wreck! And then you had the nerve to ask if I wanted to go shopping!

LENA:

Well, thatís the kind of coaching I get.

ENTER VEE AND REE:

VEE:

Man, I canít believe we both lost to that little Belgian runt.

REE:

She beat you, but not me.

VEE:

I didnít say she beat us. I said we lost to her. Thereís a difference.

REE:

Okay, you may have lost to her, but I didnít. Iím the US Open Champion, I donít care what anyone else says.

VEE:

No, youíre not.

REE:

Yes I am. I beat your ass in the finals again.
LENA:

Please, itís a long flight. Donít fight. Can I get you something?

BOTH:

NO!

ENTER QUEEN MASHA:

MASHA:

Nonsense. There is only one Queen of the US Open and it is us. We void this yearís result by royal fiat.

LENA:

Whereís the other Masha?

MASHA:

We had to fire her as she was winning too many matches and distracting from us. Besides, we have heard a rumor that some of our subjects would like for us to have bigger boobs.

(QUEEN MASHA CLAPS HER HANDS; LARRY SCOTT AND TED ROBINSON APPEAR CLAD IN LOINCLOTHES)

MASHA:
And these were the biggest boobs I could find.

ENTER AGNES:

Well, I may not have won, but I still have the most unpronounceable name of any contender . . .

CHAKY:

The hell you do! My name is impenetrable! Even I canít pronounce it!

ENTER THE SERBIANS AND VAIDISOVA:

ALL:

Oh, woe is we.

ANA:
Itís a good thing Iím so adorable. Otherwise people might notice I have the mobility of Hadrianís Wall.

JJ:
Itís a good thing Iím so witty, or people might notice my serve is almost as horrific as you know whose.

LENA:
Whose?Ē

VAIDISOVA:

I canít believe Juergen kicked me to the curb. It was kind of weird, though. The whole time we were together he kept muttering about biting him, and horses and . . .

MASHA:
We donít understand why it is that men want to talk so much when they are in bed. It is so hard to concentrate! And they are such babies, expecting us to drive them to the hospital afterwards over a little case of frostbite . . .

ENTER MOMMY VERA.

MV:
Has anybody seen my thick-thighed, hairy-armed useless lump of a daughter?

ANA POINTS TO LENA, WHO IS BUSILY TRYING TO WEDGE THE DRINKS CART INTO AN OVERHEAD COMPARTMENT.

MV:
HEY! I have come back, useless daughter who canít event get to second week of a Slam!

LENA: (JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND CLAPPING WITH GLEE)
Oh! Mommy Vera! I knew you were my real mommy all along! But I thought you were going to only coach Sesil . . .

MV:
When she got her tasteless tramp stamp I knew she was not the sort of girl I could work with.

LENA:
A tramp? Poor Sesil is a hobo? Thatís so sad . . . (Lena starts to cry)

ENTER KUZZY:

SK:
No, is Sveta who is sad. Sveta have lost. Sveta was nervous.

CHAKY:

But you are so good, what made you nervous?

SVETA:

Poor Sveta had no idea it was up to me to avenge all the humiliations Belgium has heaped upon our beloved Mother Russia. Weight of all history was squarely on Svetaís sturdy shoulders.

CHAKY:
What? What has Belgium ever done to Russia?

SVETA:

Lena D. told me all about it.

CHAKY:
What?

LENA D:
Well, I might have exaggerated . . .

CHAKY:

Exaggerated?

LENA D:

Well, I may have told her that Napoleon was Belgian. And Hitler. And Ghengis Khan. And Ronald Reagan. And Nastya Myskina And Serena . . . I was only trying to get her inspired with a nice pep talk like the one I gave you . . .

SVETA:
This is dark, sad day for Mother Russia. We should all cry like Bepa . . .

MOMMY VERA:
Not as dark as October 15, 1981.

SUDDENLY, THE DOOR TO THE BATHROOM FLIES OPEN AND JUSTINE EMERGES.

JH:
Help! Help! There is a crazy man in the bathroom!
LENA D:

Donít be silly.

JUSTINE:
I am telling you there is a man! I was sitting in the stall when I saw this face peering in. Then he started to stomp his foot. Then he stuck his hand under the door! He is horrible pervert, and it is your job to get rid of him!

LENA:

Oh, okay.

(LENA GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. THERE ARE SOUNDS OF A SCUFFLE. SOUNDS OF LENA D YELLING SOMETHING ABOUT ďDOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW ABOUT THIS?Ē FINALLY, LENA D. EMERGES, DRAGGING AN OLD, BESPECTACLED MAN IN A SUIT BY THE EAR).

LENA:

Sir, this is a WTAWorld flight. Only women tennis players are allowed on this plane, you naughty Senator!

THE SENATOR:
But I swear, I thought she was a boy!

JUSTINE:
Merde, not again! Why do all these men think I am a little boy?

ENTER SESIL:

Whatís up?

ANA:

Itís so awful! Lena D. has caught this horrible man trying to molest Justine!

SESIL:

Justine? What would he want with her? Hey, listen, for just $200,000 you and your tennis federation can have me . . .

SENATOR:

Just a goshdarned minute! Are you implying that I would cheat on my wife with another woman? What do you think I am, some kind of Democrat?

AGNES:

What should we do to this horrible man? He deserves to be punished.

MASHA:

We could waterboard him . . .

JUSTINE:

Letís hit him with our rackets . . .

JJ:

Letís hit our tennis balls as his . . .

NIKKI:

Letís find a horse and . . .

MOMMY VERA:

No! You are all too merciful.

VEE:

What? Those sounded pretty harsh . . .

MOMMY VERA:

I have here tape of useless daughter at Roland Garros final . . .

ALL:

NOOOOOO! No one deserves that . . .

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs
miffedmax is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:00 PM
Senior Member
 
Spunky83's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Dīdorf
Posts: 10,846
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

OMG...I havenīt been in here for a while due to my horrendous amount of work lately but damn thereīs nothing else I would have rather read than one of your crazy WTAflight-reports!!!

Riding the 3AM Rollercoaster

Visit: Anastasia-Myskina.com
Inside-Tennis.net
Justine - Nastya - Ana


M-A2R0T0I6N-A
Spunky83 is offline  
post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:09 PM
Senior Member
 
Justineladivine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 994
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

Brilliant, hilarious, up to your usual standards.BTW this is the line that cracked me up most :
It’s a good thing I’m so adorable. Otherwise people might notice I have the mobility of Hadrian’s Wall.

Thank you so much, MM it was already a beautiful day, but you've made it even better.
BTW, lovely to see you again, Spunky83, check Justine's subforum out (the What have my friends become? thread. A poem's been dedicated to you in it.)
Justineladivine is offline  
post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:17 PM
Senior Member
 
Spunky83's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Dīdorf
Posts: 10,846
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

Seriously?

Riding the 3AM Rollercoaster

Visit: Anastasia-Myskina.com
Inside-Tennis.net
Justine - Nastya - Ana


M-A2R0T0I6N-A
Spunky83 is offline  
post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:18 PM
Senior Member
 
-sugi-'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Nagoya, Japan
Posts: 24,462
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul



NaraChiricoRiskeDuval
DiyasStephensIshizuVan UytvanckMcHale
SvitolinaMiyamuraGonzalezAoyamaWatson
I miss Ai, Erika, Rebecca and Shinobu
-sugi- is offline  
post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:24 PM
country flag xan
Senior Member
 
xan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 5,810
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

Excellent!

[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

Official Hitman of the Maria Mafia
xan is offline  
post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 01:58 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Posts: 14,934
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

Hilarious! I love it!
peanuts is offline  
post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 02:11 PM
blurring the lines between the real and the fake
 
V-MAC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 24,940
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul

Good stuff

V-MAC is offline  
post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old Sep 9th, 2007, 02:25 PM
Senior Member
 
Hashim.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lahore
Posts: 23,394
                     
Re: Last Flight Out of New York, with a layover in Minneapolis/St. Paul


KIM CLIJSTERS & JELENA JANKOVIC
PETRA KVITOVA..ANGELIQUE KERBER..MARIA SHARAPOVA
Hashim. is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TennisForum.com forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Image Verification
Please enter the six letters or digits that appear in the image opposite.

Registration Image

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome