Re: The premature, lie there like a frog US Open Confrontation Thread
US Open Lockerroom, Flushing Meadows, NYC, NY, August 27, 2007
Sybille Bammer, Martina Hingis, Ana Ivanovic, and Daniela Hantuchova exchange pleasantries and get ready for their respective practices.
Enter Marion Bartoli, crying, holding a half-eaten cupcake in her left hand, and a balloon string in her right, with the balloon missing.
MARION: Zhou guys, has anybody seen mon ballon?
SYBILLE: Balloon? No, sorry.
ANA: Marionwhyareyoucryingsohard?it'sjustaballoonwecang etyouanotherone!
MARTINA: Yeah Marion, don't sweat it, is it your birthday or something?
MARION: Mais non, eet was a geeft from daddy for making zee top 10. Eet had "#10" written on eet. A Venus serve knocked eet out of my hands, and zen I kept trying to hold eet but I couldn't keep zees een my hands! Eet kept flying away from me, like, how you say, irretrouvabahl?
DANI: Well, about you making #10, technically...
MARION (now sobbing hysterically): Tais-toi Daniela! Don't rub eet een! Zhou skeeny-baleenkee!
DANI: I'm sorry, I'm sure you'll find your balloon someday soon. Just keep trying! I'll just go back there and pet my whale now.
Ana, Sybille, & Martina struggle to hold back the chuckles.
MARTINA: Oh wait! I think I see your balloon up there Marion!
MARION: Le where?
SYBILLE: I see it, way up there, in the rafters...I think I can get it down.
MARION: Le how?
SYBILLE: I'll toss a tennis ball up there and see if I can jostle it loose from where it's stuck.
Sybille tosses the ball up 50 feet, but it misses the balloon and appears to not fall back down. The balloon mysteriously disappears.
ANA: IreallythinkyoushouldworkonyourballtossSybille,itc angetalittlehighattimesandhardtocontrol.
SYBILLE: Could you slow down Ana, it's really hard to understand you when you talk so fast.
ANA: IsaidIthinkyoushouldmodifyyourballtossreallyyeahth at'dbesomethingyoushoulddoforsureand...(Ana takes a quick breath)
SYBILLE: Um, OK sure, thanks.
Sybille shrugs and walks out, having not quite followed Ana's verbiage.
MARION (bawling intensely and stomping her feet): I want mon balloo! I want mon balloo!
Enter Sania Mirza, clad in a bellydancing outfit.
SANIA: What on Earth's all the ruckus back here? I'm trying to get my forehand fine-tuned through the mystical and exotic art of bellydance and I can't concentrate!
ANA: Marionlosthertop10balloonit'sreallysadIhopeshefind sitbutshe'shystericalIreallywanttohelphersomehow.. .(breath) butmymindisgoingamileaminuteandIcantslowdown.
MARTINA (under her breath): Hmmm, the bellydancing...so THAT'S how she gets those forehands to blaze across the court like a bolt of South Asian lightning! Must...tap...that...power...
SANIA: What'd you say Martina?
MARTINA (looking down at her shoes): Oh, nothing.
Marion continues her tantrum, interchangeably racing around the room wildly and mimicking her pre-service jumping regimen in a vain attempt to reach the balloon.
Enter Justine Henin
JUSTINE (fearful): What's up with Marion running around the room? I hope she's not about to steamroll me again!
Enter Jelena Jankovic
JELENA (fearful): What's up with Marion running around the room? I hope she's not about to steamroll me again!
Enter Nicole Vaidisova
NICOLE (dressed in an open beige overcoat): Citizen watches! Get yer Citizen watches! So on time they make the Swiss feel late!
MARTINA: The Swiss scoff at your piddling Citizen watches! Hmmmphh!
NICOLE (snapping at Martina): Can't you see I'm working? Say that in Czech, Hingisova, I just dare you!
Martina turns around and runs out of the room, in fear of a vicious ballbashing.
SANIA (following Martina out, bellydancing): Oh Martiiiiiina...wait up!...wanna play "stuff the bellydancer's skirt" again?
Nicole, pissed off, ventures back out to hock her wares. Meanwhile, Marion is still running around like crazy...
MARION: I can't believe I lose eet! Le wah! Le sniffle!
JUSTINE (whispering to Jelena): That's how I felt about Wimbledon this year.
JELENA (whispering back somberly): Must've been raining for your match with her too then, huh?
JUSTINE (rolling her eyes, and unintentionally louder): Non, I got whitewashed by Pierce Brosnan!
Marion halts abruptly.
MARION: Oh Piiiiiierce ees so dreamy. Reminds me of daddy, wees zee long iron pipe.
JELENA (whispering to Justine again): Why do I have this strange feeling Pierce likes the Chinese players better than Marion?
Enter Agnes Szavay
AGNES: Marion! I got your balloon! Dani'd stuffed it away in her locker. I had to wrestle it away from her. Here you go.
MARION: Oh la la mon Dieu! You're my savior!
All the players stare at Marion's balloon, hoping it will burst sooner than later.