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post #1 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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All England Lockerroom Confrontation

OPEN ON THE WIMBLEDON LOCKER ROOM. A GIANT STONE SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH A MYSERTIOUS RACKET STICKING OUT OF IT. WRITTEN IN GOLD LETTERS ARE THE WORDS “WHOSOEVER PULLS THIS RACKET FROM THE STONE IS THE RIGHTFUL QUEEN OF ALL ENGLAND (THE CLUB).

ENTER MOMO.

MOMO: What great mystery is this? My racket stuck in a giant stone?

ENTER M&M

MAKIRI: Don’t touch Queen Masha’s racket, Knave!

MOMO: Don’t be ridiculous! It’s a Dunlop!

MAKIRI: Clearly, you are as blind as you are French! For that racket is clearly marked with what for the masses is a “P” but is clearly a “Q” for Queen Masha.

ENTER VENUS AND SERENA:

VEE: Hey, what’s my stick doing in that rock!

MOMO: Your stick?

REE:
You’re both crazy. That’s mine—haven’t seen it since ’03!

ENTER LENA D EATING A BAGEL THE SIZE OF A PIZZA.

LENA: “Yes, ‘its I, Elena of the Faint Hands, who can barely hold a serve. Hey! What’s my tennis racket doing stuck in that rock?

A FLASH OF BRILLIANT LIGHT. A PUFF OF SMOKE APPEARS. MIFFEDMERLIN, CLAD IN BLACK ROBES COVERED IN MYSTERIOUS SYMBOLS: A BLUE AND WHITE LONGHORN, A RED C, A NORDIC WARRIOR, A WHITE T).

MIFFEDMERLIN:
Yea, verily. Such is the nature of the spell that each of you shall see your own racket, but only one of you can pull it out.

MASHA:
We don’t believe it. Another Arthurian confrontation.

MIFFEDMERLIN: Hey, you think it’s easy coming up with this shit?

ENTER ANA AND JANKO.

Janko:
Perturb? Disturb? Blurb? I’m trying to write a song about how great our nation is, but there are so few good words that rhyme with Serb.

ANA:

Hi, I’m so happy to be here. Uh, Lena, what’s with the huge bagel?

LENA:
Oh, Marion gave it to me. See, I’ve decided that the reason I’m losing is that I’m too skinny. All the big girls beat me.

ANA: Oh, no, you’re just so cute just the way you are.

LENA: Maybe, but let’s face it. Marion kicks my ass. Serena kicks my ass . . .

REE: Hey, blondie, who are you calling fat?

LENA: Oh, you are not fat now. But when you were fat, you used to kick my ass.

REE: That’s true . . .

LENA: Masha beats me . . .

MASHA: We are perfect! Peasant, how dare you!”

LENA: Oh, you are much bigger than me.

ANA: Well, if being fat will make you happy, then I hope you get fat!

LENA: (to MiffedMerlin) Hey! Why are you staring at me?

MIFFEDMERLIN (who has obviously been staring,) Who? Me? I’m not staring. Or drooling. I’m not doing that either.

ENTER BALATCHA:

EB: I thought the Queen was that old lady . . .

ENTER MARTINA NAVRATILOVA: Hey! What the hell is my racket doing there? Although I am obviously the Queen of Wimbledon . . .

ENTER STEFFI Back off bitch! That’s my stick!

MIFFEDMERLIN: Oh, this was such a bad idea.

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
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Last edited by miffedmax; Jun 23rd, 2007 at 02:00 PM. Reason: mistake
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post #2 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:10 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Hilarious

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post #3 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:11 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

hilarious. great job max
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post #4 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:32 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation



KIM CLIJSTERS & JELENA JANKOVIC
PETRA KVITOVA..ANGELIQUE KERBER..MARIA SHARAPOVA..MADISON KEYS
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post #5 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:36 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

hahaha, funny. but not the funniest
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post #6 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 02:44 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation



Nice.
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post #7 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:03 PM
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post #8 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:07 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Quote:
Janko:
Perturb? Disturb? Blurb? I’m trying to write a song about how great our nation is, but there are so few good words that rhyme with Serb.

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post #9 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:36 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

you should continue the story while wimbledon goes along. Then in the end let the winning girl pull out the racket in the stone So many story possibilities, and just kick out characters out of the story when they lose The venus rosewater dish would make a great 'holy grail' no?

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post #10 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:39 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Outside the locker room stand three men, waiting. They breath a sigh simultaneously.

Man #1, Rainer Hofmann: "Hello gentlemen. You don't look too happy today. What's in your mind?"

No response.

Rainer H.: "OK I will go first. I love my sweetheart Patty. I am entirely devoted to her and that's why I am here standing all day, to protect her and make sure no phychos and freaks ever get close to her. Yet... folks on the internet wrote bad things about me!! I just cannot win. Sigh. Sigh."

Man #2, Yuri Sharapov, breaks silence: "That's nothing. I love my daughter Masha to death and I want her to win all the tournaments so I, I mean we, can get all the money. That's why I am standing here all day, to intimidate her opponents and psyche them into defeat!! I am the model father of WTA yet those dimwits on the internet wrote bad things about me! Life is tough. Sigh."

Man #3, Rafael Font de Mora, finally speaks: "You lucky men have something to hang on to. I am all lost. Sigh. Sigh."

Rainer & Yuri: "Then what are you doing here?"

RFdM: " I have an addiction, an obsession that I cannot help."

Rainer & Yuri: "What???"

RFdM: "Anna-Lena Groenefeld. I don't know why I am here but I have to get close to her, sit in her opponent's box, stare at her, then watch her lose and cry. I get a kick out of it it's like drugs. I can't help."

RFdM begins to cry and walk away.

Rainer & Yuri, stunned, congratulate each other.

Rainer: "What a freak! I am glad we are normal. I am a loving husband and you a loving father. We are misunderstood because there're too many dimwits on the internet. But this guy Font de Something, he belongs to the mental institution!"

Yuri: "Exactly. I am just completely dumbfounded. What did this guy do sitting in someone's box all day if he doesn't make any money out of it? That's stupid. I wouldn't have sit in Masha's box for a minute if there ain't no money involved. She is my golden goose, I mean golden girl!"

Rainer: "You are a wise man. I am glad we have this conversation... (look at his watch) Oh! Patty is 20 minutes late. I need to go check her out to make sure no psychos and freaks are around her. See you."

Yuri: "You bet! I need to go, too. Time to practice my courtside routine. Oh wait! Where's my banana?"

Rainer and Yuri slowly walk away. Yuri keeps searching his pockets for a banana...

When Rainer, Yuri, and RFdM are completely out of sight, Anna-Lena, Masha, and Patty come out of hidding and safely walk into the locker room.

Last edited by clonesheep; Jun 23rd, 2007 at 04:37 PM.
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post #11 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 03:52 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

^
nice one

KIM CLIJSTERS & JELENA JANKOVIC
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post #12 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:24 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Reading inspirational notes at changeover has lately become a fade. Serena's note prompted her to Australian Open victory. Justine read a letter just before serving for the French Open title and it worked perfectly. Today Tennis Channel has an exclusive inside the locker room special to find out what the players are writing and reading for their upcoming matches.

Serena, Justine, and Anna-Lena Groenefeld are sitting, each quietly reading a piece of paper.

Camera close-up to Serena's note:

Dear Serena,

Yes I am talking to you. That's myself.

(This is confusing.)

Serena, I love you. I mean, I love myself.

The only person who can beat you, I mean beat me, is yourself, I mean myself.

So, don't beat me.

If you don't beat me, I mean if I don't beat myself, then you always win.

So I always win. Is that clear?

Talk to you at the next change up.


Camera switches to Justine's note that she is reading that was written by someone else:

Dear Justine,

Good luck. Hope you win it all. And remember to wire 50% of your prize money to my bank account as usual. That's called "alimony" in English as I just learned LOL. My flamboyant lifestyle needs some support LOL.

Truly your ex,
Pierre-Yves


Finally, camera turned to Anna-Lena Groenefeld's note, written by herself:

My name is Anna-Lena

I am a big gorilla

Pay no attention to skinny monkey Font de Mora

I fear him not

'Cause I am a big gorilla

And he is skinnier than Daniela
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post #13 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:27 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Quote:
MASHA: We donít believe it. Another Arthurian confrontation.
MIFFEDMERLIN: Hey, you think itís easy coming up with this shit?

And for going a little old school with Martina the First and Steffi, Max.

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post #14 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 04:43 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

good one with bagel thing ....

1.
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post #15 of 58 (permalink) Old Jun 23rd, 2007, 05:12 PM
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Re: All England Lockerroom Confrontation

Inside the women's locker room at SW19.

Ame: Who is the blond bimbo outside our area? She looks somewhat familiar. She's been out there for over an hour. Kinda sad really.

Ree: Oh hell, Amelie, that's just Kim, she must be missing the tour, can't understand why. I'd much rather be home watching a movie or getting ready for one of my many TV appearances but playing tennis is the sacrifice one makes for stardom.

Peppermint Patty: So what should we do, invite her in or give her something? I mean she was once the #1 player and all and I hate to see her outside all by herself, we let the old bag in here so why not Kim?

Ree: Girl, I haven't got time to stroll down memory lane and don't be messin with my bag, you got your own bag and it looks full to me. What you got in your bag, PP?

The Nav: What old bag you talking about PP?

PP: Not you Martina, I was talking about that other old bag, Chrissy Everts,or something like that, you know, old prune face. I think she's even older than you are, Martina. You guys want some choclate? That's whats in my bag, the dwarf's physio said she couldn't have any so she gave me her supply to pass out.//Patty opens up her bag to reveal a huge supply of Belgian treats? Maybe we should give some to Kim?

JuJu: Who you calling dwarf, bucky? I'm almost as tall as you are and at least I've got game. I gave you my choclate for you to pass out and your bag is still full. I should have known better, Carlos warned me about you.

Ree: Hey JuJu, how come you just didn't pass it out yourself?

JuJu: I'm not friendship material and sharing would hurt my image so I figured Patty could use the PR.

PP: //Upset from the putdown// Hey Justine, how's your husband?

JuJu: Ok, I guess, by the way, PP why were those uniformed men leading Hoffman out of the stadium? Say hello to your folks for me, Ok?

The Nav: Ladies, stop with the insults, Let's think of something positive to do for Kim, she really does look sad out there all by herself. One of us should go out there and invite her inside. Who will volunteer? How bout you Justine? Justine? Damn that little scamp is fast. How bout you, Patty?

PP: I'm not going out there, I've got all this f****** choclate to pass out.

Janko: I know lets draw straws or do paper, rock, sissors?

Ame: Oh year, I remember Kim, nice butt----boring game. Look boys and girls, I'm the defending champ, I've got enough on my plate thinking about my responsibilities at Wimbledon, I haven't got time for cheerful reunions. Let Sugi go out there and invite her in. Sugi, Kim was your old dubs partner, right?

Ai: It's bad enough we get blamed for WWII, now I'm supposed to go outside and drag her butt in here just because I'm Japenese, I don't think so. She's the one who wanted to have babies and get married or does that need to be reversed? I'm reading War and Pease and I'll go speak to Kim when I'm finished.

The Nav: What page are you on?

Ai: Seven. // Let Nadia go out there, she and Kim were friendly?

The Nav: Yeah Nadia, you go out there--you and Kim were buddies. Say something nice to her, she was nice to all of you, except may the dwa---uh JuJu.

Nadia: Why me? Kim was nice to everyone. Look my doctor says I won't be able to play Wimbledon if my depression gets any worse. I can't think of anything more depressing that to waste my time talking to a former player who hangs out in front to the women's locker room. She'll just want to talk about having babies, her wedding dress, ouch my back in hurting, I just can't do it.

Big Masha: I can't believe how cowardly all of you are. I guess it's up to the Siberian Tigress to do the right thing. You guys are going to owe me big time for this. I'm only 20 but it's obvious I'm the only adult here. This is a big time gesture on my part. Your girls should be ashamed of yourselves. Kim is anxious to see you and not one of you have the huevos to go out and invite one of the greatest and certainly the nicest players to ever pick up a racket into the locker room. I'll do it, just remember that.//Big Masha gets up and goes to the entrance.

Big Masha: Hey you, chubby girl---go away. You're making everyone uncomfortable. So don't make me call security on you. Shoo---go away and don't come back.
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