NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN ...
4/23/2007 11:26:00 AM
Well, Im finally allowed to pretend Im twenty! So exciting not to have to fake being a teenager anymore!
After getting my
cortisone shot, I hopped on a plane and flew back home. I had to start
rehab to heal my
sprained shoulder. That injury happened during the Australian Open final.
I've been trying to become more mature and independent now that Mom isn't around. I guess she got tired of pretending to keep her sham marriage together.
Anyways, I went to the grocery store where I bought some toilet paper. Nike's got me wearing this new low-cut dress for the clay season, and my endorsement contract stipulates that I stuff my bra. Sheryl Crow would chew me out if she knew how flat I really was. Sweet Mother Russia, I waste an entire tree each time I stuff!
Then I had to go to T-Mobile to start up this new Motorola Q9 I received. This is the first doodle I'm writing on this so please don't mind the spelling mistakes.....I'm not used to this teeny keyboard. Fortunately, your my fans so your always gonna forgive my functional illiteracy and remind people that "Maria's from Russia".
One of the best things about having this time off is actually being able to spend time in one place, which means getting to spend it with
a 'special someone' without having to have daily text conversations.
My birthday was so fun! It was almost as awesome as the third time I celebrated my "7th birthday". Mom and Dad even decided to fake it and appear together ... for some extra endorsement money. It was just like old times! :-)
I received amazing bouquets of flowers from my handlers and sponsors. I had about 15 people get together at one of my favorite restaurants in L.A and it was great to see most of my
close friends in one room.... which happens
every time it's contractually obligated
once in a blue moon.
Everyone has been asking how it feels to be 20. I laugh to myself and think: "The same way it's felt for the past 2 years!" But 22 doesn't feel any different. I got up, rang my bell, asked Papa Yuri to unlock my cage, went to the gym, came home, got berated by Papa Yuri, and got sent back to my cage without dinner. Papa won't let me out of my cage until I get my serve back. He says he has locked the door and forgotten the key.
Well, this doodle took way too long! I'm never doing it on this hand-held again even though it forces my haters to cut me some slack for being
4/25/2007 11:47 PM
Omigod, you guy! I'm totally "on the lamb" ... like a modern day Bunny and Clive! I managed to escape my cage today. I sent Papa Yuri a text this morning from my new Motorola Q9 (available at T-Mobile stores for $129.00 with two year service agreement!). So anyway, like, I typed a message to Papa Yuri that was, like, "Papka, my chest hurts! I had a dream about the Aust. Open final and I think I'm having a heart attack. Help!"
Then I laid down on the floor of my cage and played dead. It was pretty gross cuz, like, Papa Yuri only changes the newspaper once a week. Anyway, he burst into my cage and found me playing dead. When he bent over me to see if I was okay, I lunged up and bit him so hard that he passed out. I ran out of that cage and headed outside. I jumpped into my new LandRover (which comes fully loaded for just $64,900 at Hayes Auto) and took off! I was so awesome and brave -- not even Peter Bodo could have hated on me!
I started to think of a place where I could hide. I thought about calling my
best friend from childhood, but I figured that's the first place Papa Yuri would look after he woke up. (And got stitches, of course. ROFL!)
I decided to call
the saleslady at the Marc Jacobs outlet
my second best friend. She didn't answer her cell fone! I was bummered!
ANyways, like, now I'm just sitting in my Land Rover in the mall parking lot. I got some fast food. I won't mention which fast food chain because those bastards don't deserve no free endorsement! Please!
Things are pretty boring here in the SUV, but fortunately I can check my e-mail on this Motorola Q9. I've gotten like 342 e-mails today from my number one fan, Dan23! I totally heart him! He's so great. He knows I totally beat myself at Miami this year. He rockz.