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post #1 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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AO confrontation thread

Is it too early? I hope not. Just a week.

OPEN ON LOCKER ROOM. SERENA SITS WITH ORACENE. ENTER SVETA WITH HEADPHONES.

SERENA:
And that’s how I’m going to get back to number one, Mom.

SVETA (rapping with Ipod):
“You be illin. . .
Cough, cough, cough—Oh, wow! Run-DMC is right! I AM ill!”

SVETA DISSOLVES INTO ANOTHER COUGHING FIT.

SUDDENLY, LENA D., CRYING LIKE HER BEST FRIEND JUST DIED COMES RUNNING INTO THE ROOM, CHASED BY A HUGE PITBULL

LENA D:
Mommy Oracene! Mommy Oracene! Serena’s dog just ate Patrick!”

SERENA:
That’s not my dog.

DOG IS LICKING SERENA’S HAND AND WAGGING TAIL MADLY).

LENA D:
Poor Patrick . . ouch!

SVETA HAS JUST PINCHED LENA D.

SVETA:
It will be okay.

ENTER KIM WITH ANA.

KIM:
Well, with me retiring, somebody has to take over as the sweetest, kindest, most lovable girl on the tour.

ANA:
And you picked me? That’s so nice!

KIM:
No, you’re so nice.

ANA:
No, you’re the nice one.

KIM:
It’s so nice of you to say that.

ANA:
Oh, aren’t you sweet . . .

AT THIS POINT, SERENA’S DOG CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE AND VOMITS UP PATRICK, WHOLE AND UNHARMED. HE RUNS AND JUMPS INTO LENA’S ARMS.

LENA:
What happened?

SERENA:

Those two were being so nauseatingly sweet it made my poor dog throw up. Frankly, I’m about to puke, too.

SUDDENLY, A TINY MARTINA HINGIS APPEARS ON ANA’S SHOULDER.

MARTINA:
“Don’t be sweet! Be a bitch! Sweet girls are so boring. You’ll be as boring as Clijsters. Lord knows your tennis isn’t going to interest anybody.

LENA D:
How can you be so small?

MARTINA:
I’m Martina HIngis, and I can do whatever I want. Okay, I can do whatever I want, except win the French Open. But other than that. . .

TRUMPETS SOUND IN THE HALL. DOORS OPEN. NICK BOLLITERI ENTERS, SPREADING CONTRACTS ON THE FLOOR. ENTER QUEEN MASHA, ACCOMPANIED BY MASHA THE LESSER. MASHA’S CROWN IS BIGGER AND MORE JEWEL ENCRUSTED THAN EVER BEFORE.

MAKIRI:
Queen Masha commands me to inform you that she is not speaking to any of you! Also, be sure to pick up Queen Masha’s towels when she is done, not leave them lying on the floor like that pile over there . . .

KIM:
Uh, I think that’s Mary, actually.

STUBBS POPS UP OUT OF A TOWEL BIN:
STUBBS:
“Hey, bitch, who died and made you Towel Monitor?

ENTER MOMO:

“How is everyone! Well, with Justine out of the tournament, and Lindsey about to have a baby . . .

A LOCKER OPENS AND SESIL’S HEAD POPS OUT.

SESIL:
See? See? I told you it could happen!”

MOMMY VERA’S HANDS APPEAR FROM INSIDE THE LOCKER AND PULLS SESIL BACK IN.

MOMMY VERA:
Shhh! Is not yet time for thunderour return!

MOMO:
Well, like I said, with Justine and Vee and LInds out, I’d hate to see anyone else drop out of the tournament. Say, Sveta, that cough sounds really bad . . .oh, I have some mail for you.

SVETA TAKES LETTER AND RIPS IT OPEN, TO BE ENGULFED IN WHITE POWDER THAT SETS OFF ANOTHER SNEEZING AND COUGHING FIT.

MOMO:
Good to see you Kim, how are you? How’s the wrist?

YANKS AND TWISTS KIM’S WRIST AS THEY SHAKE HANDS.

LENA D:
Linds is having a baby? How exciting. I know all about that! Don’t you?

MARTINA:
No, I don’t know.

KIM LOOKS AT MARTINA QUIZZICALLY.

MARTINA (whispers)
Of course I know where babies come from. I want to hear where she thinks babies come from.

LENA D:

Well, the Mommy and the Daddy decided they want to have a baby. So they go to bed and pray. And an angel comes down and gives them directions to the magic cabbage patch. And they go there, and the daddy plants magic cabbage seeds. And the poor mommy has to do all the work—weeding, watering, hoeing, and that’s why they say the mommy has labor. And after a few hours—it’s magic, you know—a big fat cabbage grows. And you open it up, and there’s a baby inside!”

SESIL’S HEAD POPS OUT AGAIN:

‘WRONG! WRONG!

MOMMY VERA PULLS SESILS HEAD BACK INTO THE LOCKER.

TO BE CONINTUED????

Max
Pass the duct tape and super glue. Lena's done broke my heart one last time.
Onward my LOB! Lena (ret.) Vika Vee TOB Caro Alexa Sabs Wicky Lesia Vania BMS Ekat Andi H. Jo-La Lena V KP2 Lil Bit Kiki Mini Mak Baby Veronika
V Squad, The LOB Elite: Vika, Venus and the Mad Viking of Norrland
Jo-La Duchess of Norrland and Bastad
Elena Viatcheslavovna Dementieva--Eternal Goddess of the Divine Bangs
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post #2 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 02:36 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post
LENA D:
Mommy Oracene! Mommy Oracene! Serena’s dog just ate Patrick!”

SERENA:
That’s not my dog.

DOG IS LICKING SERENA’S HAND AND WAGGING TAIL MADLY).


Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post
AT THIS POINT, SERENA’S DOG CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE AND VOMITS UP PATRICK, WHOLE AND UNHARMED. HE RUNS AND JUMPS INTO LENA’S ARMS.

LENA:
What happened?

SERENA:

Those two were being so nauseatingly sweet it made my poor dog throw up. Frankly, I’m about to puke, too.


Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post
MARTINA:
I’m Martina HIngis, and I can do whatever I want. Okay, I can do whatever I want, except win the French Open. But other than that. . .



Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post
MAKIRI:
Queen Masha commands me to inform you that she is not speaking to any of you! Also, be sure to pick up Queen Masha’s towels when she is done, not leave them lying on the floor like that pile over there . . .

KIM:
Uh, I think that’s Mary, actually.

STUBBS POPS UP OUT OF A TOWEL BIN:
STUBBS:
“Hey, bitch, who died and made you Towel Monitor?


PLEASE continue, Max
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post #3 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 03:23 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

i can't wait to hear how it ends

Master Racket Technician and Professional Stringer
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post #4 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 04:00 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Great stuff

Serena Hingis Venus Hsieh Keys Date-Krumm Riske

Pierce Seles Capriati Bartoli Davenport Kournikova Sugiyama Frazier
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post #5 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 04:06 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by miffedmax View Post
LENA D:

Well, the Mommy and the Daddy decided they want to have a baby. So they go to bed and pray. And an angel comes down and gives them directions to the magic cabbage patch. And they go there, and the daddy plants magic cabbage seeds. And the poor mommy has to do all the work—weeding, watering, hoeing, and that’s why they say the mommy has labor. And after a few hours—it’s magic, you know—a big fat cabbage grows. And you open it up, and there’s a baby inside!”

SESIL’S HEAD POPS OUT AGAIN:

‘WRONG! WRONG!




Sesil would know where the baby comes from

NICOLE VAIDISOVA

Dokic - Hantuchova - Zakopalova - Minella - Szavay - Bammer - Safarova
Stanciute - Panova - Gubacsi - Cibulkova - Cirstea - Hofmanova - Cetkovska


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post #6 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 04:08 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

There are the best threads ever
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post #7 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 04:14 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Max, this is by far my favourite one ever, amazing stuff!



Your comedic timing, and punch lines are perfection.
Keep it up!

gone
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post #8 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 04:26 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Lena D's line about labor is so ROTFLMAO!!
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post #9 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 05:00 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Hehehehe!

What a great confrontation to kick off 2007!

FUCK YOU, SEWTA.
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post #10 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 05:36 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Thats priceless!!!! Keep going!

~Lindsay Davenport~
Serena Williams | Venus Williams
Stephens -|- Kvitova -|- Kuznetsova-|- Li

In Remembrance of:
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post #11 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 05:51 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread



NaraChiricoRiskeDuval
DiyasStephensIshizuVan UytvanckMcHale
SvitolinaMiyamuraGonzalezAoyamaWatson
I miss Ai, Erika, Rebecca and Shinobu
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post #12 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 06:36 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Petrova & Dementieva enter locker-room.

Nadia: So Lena did you hear about Justine, how shocking!
Elena: Nadia this is old news, I know you were to busy licking Dima's chest at Perth but honestly it was all over the news.
Nadia: Well excuse me, and I did not lick his chest He was too busy awwing over Tatiana
Elena: Anyways just look at it this way. Its gives us a much better chance of winning a grandslam!
Nadia: Great point, I will finally have this monkey off my back!
Monkey: Bitch please! I ain't ever leaving you! *picks through Nadia's hair for bugs*
Nadia: Ugh!
Elena: Who said you were going to win! Mommy Vera and I have worked on my serve all off-season. Now as long as I don't face Sharapova I will win!
*Enters Kim*
Kim: Hey girls! I just came off my victory in Hong Kong!
Elena: I noticed *grumbles* But with that serve you've got there is no way you will win the Australian Open!
Nadia: *death* At Lena saying Kim has a bad serve. So Kim I assume you've heard about Justine.
Kim: Oh yes, isn't that so sad. Pierre and her always seemed like a happy couple. ----Oh my gooddd what just happened. The floor is shaking!
Elena: *begins crying and clenches onto Kim*
*Enters Serena ALG*
Anna-Lena: Hey guys! *stuffs bratwurst in mouth*
Kim: Hey Anna-Lena. How's it going
Anna-Lena: Terrible!!!! I'm fat and I can't win a match! *runs off bawling*
Nadia:
Kim: Poor girl. So young yet soo--- What is that obnoxious music?
*Svetlana enters with headphones bursting with sound, and rapping*
Sveta: Booty Booty Booty Booty rockin everywhere!
Kim, Elena, Nadia:
Sveta: What's up my gangstress bitches!!!! *pinches everyone*
Elena: Ow! *smacks Sveta*
Sveta: Girllllll why you trippin?!? I'm finna bust yo ass if you play that shit again!
Elena *glances at Nadia* : You can tell she's from St. Petersburg...
Sveta: *walks off* I'm bossy! I'm the chick yall love to hate!
*Enters Martina*
Martina: Hey girls! Have you heard the news!"
Nadia: Yes I feel so bad for Justine!
Martina: *slaps Nadia* No you insignificant wretch! Radek and I are getting married!
Elena *in a low voice to Kim*: Isn't that old news?
Kim: Yes, but just say congratulations so she she'll shut up and go away.
Elena & Kim: Congratulations!!!
Nadia: I want a husband! *sniffsniff*
Monkey: *smacks Nadia on the head* That's not what you said last night! *continues picking through Nadia's hair*
Kim: So when's the wedding Martina?
Martina: Oh I don't know yet, probably after Radek retires. *a black widos crawls until Martina's lips*
Elena: *faints*
Martina: Oh Elena, he's not thattttttt gorgeous!
Sveta: Hi Martina! *coughs up flim*
Anyways I've gotta run. I have practice to attend. Oh and by the way. I'm having a party for when I make the finals. You three will already be out so I'm sure you can come! Tootles!
Sveta: Oh no that bitch did not! Naida hold mah jewelry while I knock the shit out of her!
Martina:
Sveta: Hmmm..*looks over at Kim* Hey Kim, we really hit it off at Hong Kong, wanna play doubles with me!
Kim: Oh my goodness look at the time! Its time for our practice session Elena!
Elena: We had a prac--
*Kim grabs Elena and bolts off*
Sveta: *looks at Nadia* Bye Nadia! *walks off*
Nadia: Not even Sveta would go for me. Its all your fault you damn monkey!
Monkey: Now you listen here you pidgeon-toed lezzy bitch. I am the only reason !!--
*Nadia grabs monkey and throws him into a locker*
Nadia: That will be the end of you
*Monkey works his way out of the locker-room and looks towards Nadia as she leaves....*


To be continued...

Walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone

Last edited by Cat's Pajamas; Jan 7th, 2007 at 06:47 PM.
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post #13 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 06:50 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

I know I'm not as good at it as Max. But I decided to try

Walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
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post #14 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 06:54 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

Both are good!

I think Nicole needs to be thrown into the mix.
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post #15 of 77 (permalink) Old Jan 7th, 2007, 07:01 PM
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Re: AO confrontation thread

LMAO! That martina bit was hilarious!!!

Martina Hingis 4ever!!!

Now and forever, I'll remember.
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