As few of you may know I wrote quite a few sketches on the BBC Message Board revolving quite a few of the WTA (and ATP) players. I came across some this morning and thought it might be fun to post them and see what you think. I've only found 5 and there are many more but it may take a while to discover them as I wrote them quite a while ago. Anyway, here they are.
A little soap opera I began but never finished - Tennis Trials and Tribulations Episode 1-4 (in order – they include players and certain posters of the BBC Message Board):
and one of the sketches I found:
WELCOME TO WTA MASTERMIND! 4 girls are contestants with other well-known players making up the audience.
John Humphrys: Hello and welcome to a special edition of Mastermind - the WTA special. First we have veteran WTA player from USA - Venus Williams.
Venus: Veteran?! OH JEHOVAH! HMPH!
John: Next in line we have, from Belgium, Justine Henin-Hardenne.
Justine: Ho ho. For sure.
John: Thirdly, we have Svetlana Kuznetsova of Russia.
Svetlana: Vank you.
John: And last, but by no means least, Maria Sharapova. I...er...think you’re beautiful, Maria.
Maria: Well...*high pitched hmmmmm*...who doesn't? *giggles*
John: Let's get down to the show. Venus...please step up to the chair. Ready, Venus? Let's go. What type of witness comes to your door to preach about God?
John: Correct. What is the opposite of a boyfriend?
John: Correct. Complete the movie title. **** Where's My Car?
John: Correct. What does Venus Williams love?
Venus: I love Dubai Duty Free.
John: Well done, Venus. Those are your questions. You score 20 points!
Serena: *shouts from audience* You go girl!
John: Next, let's have Justine.
Justine: Allo. Letz begin with zis zupid progggrammez. For sure.
John: What sounds does Santa make?
Justine: Ho ho. That's hard. I think it is-
John: You were correct. Name me a deodorant spray.
Justine: For sure. I believe it is-
John: Correct. What does someone say when they burn themselves on a quartet of beaches.
Justine: Ho ho - for sure...
John: Brilliant. What's the longest English word?
Justine: I know zis one! I am fluent in Eeengleesh afta ooll. Anzidizezzztablishhhmontarianizzzzm.
John: Well done. You score 20 point also.
Justine: Yezz! I knowz zat I am ze bezzt!
John: Svetlana, please come up to the chair. Your questions start now. Name me the biggest selling Oasis hit.
John: Correct. Name me a children's novel.
Svetlana: Villy Vonka and ve Chocolate Vactory.
John: I'll accept. Name me a fizzy drink.
Svetlana: COKE! No- DIET COKE! NO! SPRITE!!! NO!!! VANTA!!!!!!
John: I'll accept. Who is the only woman to have won the US Open and to be knocked out in the 1st round the following year?
Svetlana: HAHA! Vat a vally!
John: I'm afraid it was you.
Svetlana: OH! Vollocks.
John: You score 15 points. So I'm afraid you're disqualified...also in the 1st round.
John: But for that superb Vera Zvonareva impression we'll give you an extra 5 points!!!
Vera: *from audience* WAHHH!
John: Finally, let's have Maria Sharapova. Your questions begin now. If you add the words 'hair' and 'dryer' together - what do you get?
Patty: *from audience* I KNOW!!!
John: Incorrect. Before 2006, Amelie Mauresmo was the only #1 player to have no 'what' to her name?
Amelie: *from audience* Salut! I've had plenty of them thank you very much!
John: Incorrect. What are credit cards made from?
Maria: Fantastic… plastic…
John: Correct. What are combs for?
Maria: You can brush my hair...
Patty: *from audience* I wish I could.
Maria: And dress me anywhere...
Amelie: *from audience* I wish I could.
John: Your answer was correct. What nationality are you?
Anastasia/Elena: *from audience* NO SHE'S NOT!
John: Correct. Those are you questions. You score 15 points! Which makes Maria our winner!
Venus: Jehovah, girlfriend!
Svetlana: Vow. Va Va Voom!
Justine: HO! For sure!
Kim: *from audience* How did Maria win? She scored the fewest points!
Lindsay: *from audience* Yeah! It's unfair!
John: It is because I am not who I seem...*He pulls off face mask* It is I, YURI SHARAPOV!
Yuri: And with my help, Maria will create Sharapova World Domination!
Amelie: *from audience* Sounds good, non?
Kim: But how can she rule the world if she can't even beat us at tennis?!
Maria: Shut up! I'm only 19! And besides - I'm really super duperly talented...
Elena: In what? Being a pain in the ass?
ALG/Tatiana: She can also be a pain in the ankle.
Maria: A HA! This is how I will rule the world... Give me a mic..."I'm a Barbie Girl... plastic... fantastic..."
Girls: NO! SHE'S TOO POWERFUL!
Yuri: That's my girl. Mwah ha ha!